How I Met Your Monster #18

Grant

Profile:

Grant, 34

Talking Duck

Likes: Peas, bread

Dislikes: Oil spills, cats

Bio:

Hey, my name is Grant. Just here looking to get to know some people. Hit me up if you're interested.

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Hey y'all. Vexys here. And I'm pretty pissed about what just happened. Let's get into it.

I showed up at the lake, enjoying the sunshine and the breeze, almost cancelling the date to go get an ice cream, when a duck began waddling my way. There were a bunch of ducks around the lake, but this one was off on his own, like the other ones just plain didn't like him. That should have been the first red flag, but I figured that since he was magical, the other ducks were just weirded out.

He plopped down beside me, all silver and green, and turned his head to me.

"Um, Grant?" I said.

"Why, yes. It is I, Grant. You must be Vexys. Wow, your picture does not do you justice!"

Flattery will get you most places, so I relaxed a bit. I couldn't quite see myself falling in love with a duck, no matter how magical they were, but I was filled with the hope that I would at least get a cool friend out of it.

"Well thanks, Grant." I smiled, "So are you like a fully fledged talking duck, or is this a curse, or what?"

He shook his little head and ruffled his feathers, "No curse. No shape shifting. Just an ordinary duck who can talk and use tools. Makes for a lonely life around this lake, but I've been applying for jobs around town, and have the money saved up for a deposit on an apartment."

"That's awesome. So are you on the app looking for love or friends?"

"Honestly, I'll take what I get. Friends would be awesome. Another talking animal would be great. I'm pretty open to anything. Sure beats sticking with these assholes who constantly stay away from me. And beats floating around and getting fed bread by old ladies."

"Couldn't you make friends with them?"

"I tried that! Half of them can't hear me and the other half try to kidnap me to take me home as a pet."

"Wow, you've really thought this out."

"What? What do you mean?"

It's at this moment I should tell you readers something. You know that smell in the air right before a thunderstorm hits? As soon as Grant had sat down next to me on the grass, that smell filled the air around me. Besides right before storms, there's only one other thing I associate that with. Like I said, it was a nice, sunny day. Beside a breeze, the day was still. There were no clouds.

"Come on, Zeus. Turning into an animal? Don't you think you've done that one to death by now?"

A crack of lightning hit the ground beside me and Zeus was sitting in the duck's spot. He grinned sheepishly and checked to make sure his toga was hanging correctly.

"Wow, Vexys. You saw right through that."

"I have never trusted a talking animal to not be you. This is a regular thing." I stood up to leave, and he grabbed my arm.

"Wait," he said. I sat back down.

"I wanted to apologize for the other day at rockz n rollz. I really am trying to be a better guy and make new friends. Yeah, I'm also trying to be a skeeve, but that's in my nature. But that's not all of who I am. I was ready for a cool hang out and you made it seem like you were in it for more, so I thought you were."

I thought back on that day. As much as he was flirting, he didn't do anything direct until after I led him on. I sighed. I had to give him that point.

"Alright. Apology accepted. But I just can't trust you, Zeus. I pray to you for clear skies and I've grown up hearing stories of the crap you did to trick people. And even though you say you were doing it to apologize, all you're really doing is proving those stories correct. Plus, you saw Hera. Even if you are just looking for friends, she doesn't believe that. I really don't want her negative attention."

"Right! Which is why I brought her!"

"What?"

Another flash of lightning and the goddess of family and marriage was sitting next to her husband in the grass. She had one hand on the back of his neck as a way to mark her territory and was glaring at me with piercing eyes. I adverted my gaze. The stare wouldn't work on them, but I couldn't take the full hate that was coming my way.

"There, see Hera? Vexys is just a friend. She's just interviewing people for a website."

"My husband, I still don't like the temptation she brings. She has an innocent motive, but who knows whether she carries ill intentions in secret." Hera said.

"I can assure you," I replied, "I have no interest in Zeus. Not even as a friend if you so will it. But you are putting me between a rock and a hard place. If I am his friend, Hera, you will work against me. And if I'm not his friend, I believe he will focus his attention to tormenting me. Either way, I'm being tortured."

"As much as I am not malevolent, I understand your worry, Vexys. I have been vengeful in past affairs. I will watch you closely. As long as you do not cross my wished, I will leave you unharmed."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I could hear her in my head.

If I even think you have one toe out of line, however, I will make you wish you were never born.

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, and Hera vanished. Zeus gave me a thumbs up and disappeared as well.

What have I gotten myself into? I just wanted to meet some people outside of the circle I was already in. I thought after interviewing Zeus the first time, I would be able to have my pick of these interviews. I definitely want to keep doing these and working with Silas, but if this keeps up, I'll be on the radar for all of Mt. Olympus, and that just can't happen.

So, yup. I'm pissed. Silas, when you post this, please know that I want non-Greek related creatures moving forward. I would have rocked that dragon interview if you had given me a chance. Instead you stood there with your mouth open excited about a transformation you can catch on youtube. Get it together. See ya.

-Vexys

(Editor note: I understand Vexys' frustration, but to my credit, I thought it was actually going to be a talking duck. I thought that would have been cool. I completely spaced Zeus' inclination to do that. I did not stand mouth excited over the transformation. It was an amazing sight, but I am not a child. No need to be rude. Or put these jabs in your write up. You know I don't like removing things without your permission. -SD)