How I Met Your Monster #39

Mandi

Profile:

Mandi, 23

Skeleton

Likes: Sleeping

Dislikes: Being woken up

Bio:

I guess I'll give this a shot. Not too many folks excited to hook up with a skeleton, but ay.

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I walked into the cave where Mandi was sitting against the wall. She looked exactly as I pictured her. Describing it is a bit difficult, so here. Imagine a skeleton. Nailed it.

She seemed annoyed to be doing this interview, even though she was the one pushing to do it via the app. I sat down on the the wall opposite of her, and she looked up and her jaw creaked as the bone gently tilted up in a smile.

"Hey, Silas. Nice to meet you."

"You sure you want to do this?"

"Of course! Why do you ask?"

"You just don't seem like you're that interested."

She chuckled, "It's hard to seem like anything. Emotion is hard to show on a blank skull you know."

"So, pardon my ignorance and the possible ignorance of my readers, but have you always been a skeleton? Or were you something and then died?"

She looked through me for a moment, the hollow eye sockets pointed in my direction. I almost repeated the question or just checked to see if she was alright, then she animated again.

"I was actually a few different dead people. About twenty three years ago, a necromancer used a bunch of spare parts to create me. He then stuck me in this cave to protect some of his treasure."

"Wait, is this cave the entrance to a dungeon?"

"Yeah! Well, it was. I got beat all the time. Skeletons aren't great for defense, but one day this guy comes along and beats me. Which is fine. Wore him out a bit. Then he goes and beats the next guy. Kind of surprised by that, but it isn't too rare. Then he gets the mini boss. Now we're all starting to get worried. We almost abandon our post to get with the spider queen guarding the treasure directly."

"Why didn't you?"

"Before we could come to an agreement, we hear the sound of her dying. Not too long after that, we heard an explosion and the guy just waltzes out. We were absolutely baffled. He takes off, we get a bit worried. We wait around for the boss to show up and tell us what to do next."

"What did he say?"

She shook her skull, "He never showed up. The only one who knew what we were protecting was him and the spider queen, but she's fully dead. The dungeon doesn't respawn bosses like they do us."

"So, you're all just sitting around waiting for this necromancer to show up?"

"Yeah, basically. I mean, our whole purpose was to defend this place."

"Well, I do know that a necromancer died fairly recently. Could it have been him?"

She laughed, "Well, I mean yeah. But necromancers have a tendency of not staying dead, you know? Most will become liches and use clones or phylacteries to keep going on."

"What's a phylactery?"

"It's an item that contains their soul. That way, no matter if the die, they can come back. Most liches will have tons of them so that they are essentially immortal."

"And you think this guy has them? Maybe that's what he had the spider queen guarding?"

Mandi nodded, "Yeah, that was my guess. Nothing else really seems worth the trouble. But I mean, if anybody could just come in and destroy it like that, it may not have been."

"It sounds like this guy was pretty powerful if he got through all of you so quickly and destroyed it on site."

"That's fair. I didn't get a real good feel for him."

"So, is that why you're on Unhinged? Nothing else to do?"

"Oh yeah. Plus I like looking at all the people. We all sent one of the bats out to buy us phones so we could get on. Don't tell any of these guys, but I plan to swipe left when I come across them. I'm tired of seeing them."

"If it's been so long, why not just leave?"

She shrugged, her bones clinking as she did, "No where else to really go. I don't need to eat or anything, so as long as I have a phone to keep myself entertained, I'm fine."

"Have you met anyone through the app yet?"

"Nah. Not too many people want to bone a skeleton. I get it. Though I have been reading your blog, and I'm thinking of giving Drakar a visit. I don't mind being a skeleton, but having flesh and everything could change a lot for me."

"I'm almost completely positive that Drakar will be able to help you. Though he does charge money."

"That's fine. Every now and then someone comes to the cave and I just beat them up and take their money. Not too worried about full fledged adventurers anymore. Speaking of-."

She gets up, pulling out a wooden club she was sitting on. I may just be a human with a magic sword, but I do have a magic sword. I pull it out from its sheath and swing as hard as I can to knock her club out of her hand. I know skeletons won't be affected much by a blade, so I recover her club and smash it through her ribcage. She splits in two and uses her arms to chase after me. All of her momentum is gone, so I smash her club through the elbows and she stops.

"Aw, man. Guess I got used to people being surprised or scared."

"Yeah, today wasn't the day. Plus, I don't have any money on me. But hey, I hope you meet someone or get the help you need. Maybe stop doing this kind of thing though."

She agreed and I left the cave, heading back into town to write this up.

To this moment, I'm still not sure if Mandi was interesting in an interview, in a date, or just wanted to rob me. Sadly, I think I have to assume the last one as that was what it came down to in the end. That being said, if you are going on a date with anyone, human or not human, please make sure to protect yourself at all cost. There are people out there who may use your excitement to meet them to trick you into something more dangerous.

In a world where we meet strangers online, it is even more important to protect yourself. Tell a friend all of the information of your date, make sure you only go public places. It's a scary, violent world out there, so please, dear readers, be careful. Until next time.

-Silas D.