《Shovels In Spades》B4: Chapter 35: Feeling Timeline and Unwavering Acceptance
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"Talk about what?!" Rose yelled as she flailed about in Daz's arms like a suffocating fish.
She was clearly getting nowhere so she instead tried to punch herself free. The fists that hit Daz's face felt no stronger than if a fly was constantly landing on him and taking off.
"Would you calm down for a moment?" he asked slowly. "You're not going anywhere and this talk is going to happen. The three of us as a family are going to discuss what happened in the library. You're smart enough to know when I won't budge on something, right?"
Rose shot him perhaps the most helpless and worried look he had ever seen her make. "... I don't want to..." she weakly whispered.
"You need to regardless of your wants," Daz said as he approached her bed and laid her down on it, making sure to avoid the sleeping baby Bronze Dragon Madison had given to her for her birthday. It was happily snoring on her bed.
"I-I... Can we, uh, not?" she begged as calmly as she was able to. "I really, really don't want to talk about this. I-I'm sorry for shouting at you earlier. I'll behave from now on, okay? No more snark. You hate my attitude, right? I-I'll fix it. Just... Just don't do this, please."
Daz shook his head. "No. You are being a fool and Madison will explain why. I'll just be here at the door. Trust us, Rose. We love you and we're on your side."
The reaper then approached the room's only exit and leaned his back against it. He then folded his arms across his chest. "Give us a chance to talk to you, yeah? Your fears are irrational."
Madison jogged to the other side of Rose's large bed and she then scrambled under the sheets, avoiding the dragon, of course, and cuddled the girl. "Comfy?"
"Uh... Y-Yeah?" Rose answered in confusion, dread filling her every word.
Madison closed her eyes and snuggled closer, burying her face in Rose's platinum-white hair. "I, knew."
"K-Knew what?" Rose could feel her heart pounding in her chest like a war-drum.
"You, love, Daz, not, father, brother, but, man," Madison said slowly and calmly. "Way, you, looked, after, you, turned, 8. First, crush, slowly, love. I, knew. Could, see, it."
"W-What? That's perfectly normal for girls my age! Who says it was love?!" Rose shouted in protest. She gazed up at Daz expecting to see disapproval and disgust in his eyes but instead she was met with his usual blank expression.
"Daz, never, feel, same, so, never, worried. Happy, moved, on. Vanessa?" Madison asked and she instantly felt Rose go rigid in her arms.
Madison brought a hand up to Rose's head and slowly stroked her hair lovingly. "Can, trust, us. We, not, judge. Explain?"
"... Will you leave me alone if I just explain?" Rose asked, her voice cracking near the end of her sentence.
Madison nodded softly. "Mmm. Promise."
"Fine." Rose gripped her bedsheets tightly and she took a few short breaths before muttering, "C'mon, Rose. You told Scruffy. You can tell them too. They'll leave you alone after you do and they already know everything anyway... You can do this..."
It took her a good few more moments, but eventually, she exhaled one final sigh and began speaking.
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"... When I was 6 - so 5-year-ago - I guess I had that typical mindset of a stupid girl so attached to her brother that she thinks she wants to marry him. The problem was that even though I kept getting smarter and smarter, that feeling never left," Rose said, avoiding all eye contact with Daz, instead choosing to stare at her bedside table.
"Is that why you're so sassy?" Daz asked.
Rose cursed internally. She didn't want anyone to speak while she explained. It was easier to imagine that she was talking to herself that way. "... No. Not really. Maybe a bit? Who I am isn't a phase or me trying to hide how I felt about you, Daz. It was- is... just who I am."
"So the sass is here to stay. Shame," Daz sighed. "Sorry for interrupting. Won't happen again."
"I hope not," Rose replied as she felt Madison squeeze her gently. "Anyway, I was never actually sure how I felt about Daz. I think my feelings peaked when I was 8 like you said, Madison... I always thought I hid it well... I guess not. I just... wasn't against the idea of being with him like how you are. You two always seemed so happy even despite Daz's muted emotions. He never smiled back then but I could see how much it warmed his heart to be around you, and yours when around him."
Rose felt bitterness swelling in her chest. "I never went to school because you guys were never my legal guardians and Dad never cared enough to enrol me. Leaving the apartment - and then the house - was practically impossible since I barely had the strength to move my chair more than a few hundred meters without getting exhausted until the system fixed that problem. Even after the world collapsed around us... I still had no friends."
She cracked a self-pitying smile. "I know I act like I don't care much about people but not having even a single friend your entire life... That really hurts."
"I, friend," Madison said, trying to comfort Rose.
"It's not the same. You're my mom more than anything else, Madison. I've never looked at you or Daz as friends." Rose didn't know why she going into so much detail but she kept going. She needed to say all of this just as much for her own sake as she did for theirs.
"I spoke to people online every now and then when I was finally able to persuade you to convince Daz that paying for an internet subscription was worth it but it wasn't the same. Even though I spoke to people every day I was lonely." Rose's tone broke Madison's heart.
"Didn't, know... Never, asked, or, told. Would, have, brought, to, park. Meet, people... Sorry..." Madison softly apologised into Rose's ears.
"... Thanks... I, uh, I'm at fault just as much, so don't be sorry..." Rose really wasn't good with this kind of emotional stuff, though oddly enough, she wasn't regretting giving in to Daz's demand to speak.
"... Even though Daz hates Dad and was forced to take me in as a baby, even though all of his emotions were being suppressed, he still treated me like his own daughter and loved me so much... It was... hard to not have those kinds of thoughts about him," Rose explained as her voice started to crack even more.
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"The most frightened I've even been in my life was when I was all alone in the family house for 2 full days when the apocalypse started. Monsters were banging on the gates, wanting nothing more than to kill me. I thought I'd been forgotten. You were out of state learning your swordsmanship and Daz hadn't come to save me yet. I thought he'd pulled a Dad and abandoned me," Rose explained as she hugged herself tightly and curled up a little bit more.
Daz felt his chest tightening in guilt. 'I was so distracted by the system and setting up Fort Skip while keeping a close eye on Lyle and the Richie family that I never considered how Rose would have felt...'
He scowled deeply at himself. 'True, I fully believed she was capable of surviving. The house had guns, after all. I also still did not have my emotions at the time and I was running off of the desire to gain power, but I really did abandon her for several days... What a shitty brother and father-figure, huh?'
Rose continued, "Even after rescuing me and bringing me here he never gave me any attention. It was always about improving the fort or preparing for the next waves. I mean, sure, I get it. I'm not stupid. He was trying to get strong to survive because the gods were making things tough on him. He had people to look after and he saw me as being competent enough to not require babysitting, doubly so when you returned, Madison."
Tears welled up in her eyes. "I just didn't realise how much it hurt to be ignored like that. I tried to bury myself in my work and distance myself from him unless he needed me to help soothe the pain and loneliness. I was honestly surprised when that actually worked. Movies make that out to be a pointless effort. Slowly but surely I stopped seeing him in a romantic light and I was able to see how much he cared about me as his sister and daughter."
Rose bit her lip. "Then enters Vanessa. She's beautiful, strong, kind, goofy but in a charming way... She's got an awesome accent and she puts up with my constant shit. I mean, how could anyone not fall for that?" she asked mockingly.
"I know it's weird. I've barely known her for over a month... Maybe I'm just desperate. She's my first real friend and this could be some sort of stupid suspension bridge effect... It's just when I look at her... I... I want to hug her... I want to kiss her... I want to talk to her all day... It's creepy! I'm such a freak..." Rose's tears began to flow in earnest.
Madison shook her head and squeezed Rose. "Silly. Not, creepy. You, Rose. Nothing, less, nothing, more. Just, Rose. Who, love, doesn't, change, who, are. Daz, and, I, still, love."
Rose silently cried as she lay there in Madison's caring and motherly embrace for quite a while but Madison could feel some of the tension in the girl's body leaving her.
"Does, Vanessa, know?" Madison asked softly.
Sniffing harshly, Rose answered, "No. Of course she doesn't. I was scared I'd blurt it out one day during her helping me out of my VR capsule or when we just chat or game together on my laptop. I... I told her not to come near me for a while."
"Smooth," Daz commented.
Rose lowered her eyes and smiled weakly. "I know. Look, I've never done any of this before! I was never, ever going to tell you that I had feelings for you when I did! That was too many levels of wrong, but Vanessa? She isn't related to me. We barely know each other... We... We're close. It could come out by accident. It was stressful just being near her. You don't know what that feels like. Make fun of me for being gay, sure, make fun of me for being an idiot, okay, but don't make fun of me for not knowing how to deal with someone I like!"
"Why would I make fun of you for being gay?" Daz asked. "Also, I mean, technically, if you loved me before doesn't that make you bisexual? I'm no expert and I don't mean to nitpick but I'd like to know the correct term to use when describing your sexuality."
"I-I guess? I don't even know if what I felt for you was real or not..." Rose mumbled in a hurry. "Does it matter?"
Daz smiled. "No, and that's the whole damned point. Rose, Madison and I don't care which team you're batting for. It doesn't matter even slightly. We support you in all the things you do, y'know? That includes your love life."
Daz chuckled a bit. "Granted, I didn't expect this to come up anytime soon let alone during an apocalypse, but hey, that's life now ain't it?"
Madison couldn't agree more. She kissed the back of Rose's head and added, "We, love, you. So, much, love. Never, disgust, or, weirded. Only, love. Happy, found, healthy, target."
"You two..." Rose slight raised her body and Madison moved with her so as to not impede her. She looked straight into Daz's eyes and asked, "Do you really mean that?"
'God she looks so vulnerable... I never thought I'd live to see her ever in a state like this... I guess deep down she really is just a normal girl entering her teenaged years like anyone else, huh? I always thought her massive intellect would kind of ignore that since Madison was such an outlier case and I have no idea how to handle raising a normal girl... Still, I'm happy,' Daz thought.
He unfolded his arms and pushed himself off the door. He approached Rose and crouched to be eye-level with her. "Always, Rose. There is nothing wrong with you being interested in other girls. There is nothing wrong with you. You always have been and always will be my perfect little sister... who, granted, has a tremendous amount of flaws."
Rose chuckled faintly. "That was almost sweet."
She lunged for him and hugged him tightly.
"Rose?" Daz asked in confusion. 'It feels like she's trying to choke me that's how hard she's hugging me... Is she also... shaking?'
"Just... Don't move," Rose ordered with her face buried in his shoulder.
Madison raised her torso and smiled with her eyes at Daz, in response, he sighed. "Yes, Ma'am. Don't cry for too long though. This outfit self-repairs but it doesn't self-clean, sadly."
"You're such a jerk..." Rose whispered almost inaudibly.
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