This is the life.

If I had to name my proudest discovery on this new planet, it would be the joys of being a baby – at least if you have a fully adult mind. Many might dispute this claim, after all there are some messy bits, and I can’t move to save my life. That isn’t even a joke. I’m completely helpless, laying in this scratchy blanket, at the mercy of the ridiculously large humans that care for me. At any point in time someone could drop me, squish me, or even forget about me.

However, I’ve come to accept this new life, and have decided to look on the bright side, and not give in to fear and anxiety. In my last life, I let negative emotions be the driving force in my life for far too long. Hence, I’m completely happy at this moment in time.

I may not be incredibly comfortable laying here in what appears to be a hovel, but there is nothing like accepting where you are in life and letting go of what you can’t control. And right now, I can’t control anything. Bowel movements, eating, crying, moving – you get the picture. This sense of peace didn’t come to me easy. I didn’t find it in my last life until the very end, and in quite the spectacular fashion.

A few months ago, by my estimates, I was living a carefree in a metropolitan in Iowa. By all standards, relatively normal for my 35 years of life. Happily married, brand new house, great corporate job, and even a cat and a dog. Check. Heartbroken and lost when the wife decided to “go find herself”. Check. You know. The usual.

After learning how to be on my own once again, and working through the swamp that is depression, I finally learned to live again. One small bit at a time. Every day was a brand new day, and I worked contentedly at my job, which was an an Actuary at a huge insurance company. For those not in the know, basically I calculate the odds of someone dying and how that affects your insurance. Yes, I’m the guy that says red cars have higher car insurance premiums. What can I say, the data doesn’t lie.

Moving on. Having finally gotten ahold of my own life, taking it by the horns, and living day by day, I learned how to be happy. However, like pretty much everyone, I still felt like I didn’t have a true purpose in life. Until one day, I finally had a chance to realize that very thing.

Being a nerdy data scientist, I knew the odds of quite a lot of things. Dying from lung cancer, getting hit by lightning, surviving lightning, all the good ones. I also knew the odds of getting killed by a terrorism incident. Almost the lowest one in the books. For me, who lived in Iowa, that statistic might as well not even exist.

Life has a funny way of screwing with people though. It all happened quite fast. I was shopping for some new tennis shoes at the local mall, daily jogging being a thing in my new lease on life. That’s when the shots started, people screamed, and the ‘you know what’ hit the fan.

I attempted to get out, like everyone with a brain, but the odds were not in my favor this day. It seemed those homegrown, demonic cult idiots making sacrifices of people that you see in those good crime dramas, well, apparently, they exist. For real. Even looking back, I still can’t comprehend the idiocy people, and the amount with which they can be deceived into doing incredibly stupid things. Like heading to a local mall in the middle of nowhere, walking down the middle, and shooting people for fun. I guess it’s just not my thing.

They happened to be heading right for my store, maybe they needed some new shoes too while they were out about the town. Regardless, I saw the small kids, and families huddling on the ground in fear, trying to protect each other, and couldn’t quite help myself. All the positive energy I had been building over the past few years must have been building up into this one idiotic moment.

So, I got everyone’s attention, told them to make a run for it when I had them distracted, and the fulfilled my purpose in that life. It didn’t take too long, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit. Turns out five people with guns, high on drugs, and no care in life are hard to take down solo. That crazy meth strength is real.

So, in my final few moments, I once again took solace in the comfort that was numbers. Thinking of my odds of dying in this fashion, they were truly quite small.

And, like a true nerd, said my last words on planet Earth.

“What are the odds?”

After dying, in an incredible fashion I might add, I have a few hazy memories of what I can only hypothesize would be an acid trip gone bad.

It was in no time that I gasped for breath once again, threw up, and felt so incredibly overwhelmed I almost passed out. I felt myself be wiped down, feeling like I was on a rollercoaster moving about. I couldn’t move anything and could barely tell what was happening. The only thought in my mind, “I’m still alive.”

Muffled and distorted voices talked around me. Some screaming. I think that was me.

My brain practically short circuited, then, when a completely clear and readable screen appeared in my vision.

(Initialization Completed) …

LV: 1 Experience: 0/100

Health: 70/70 Stamina: 30/30 Mana: 60/60

Vitality: 7

Endurance: 1

Strength: 1

Dexterity: 1

Senses: 3

Mind: 32

Magic: 6

Clarity: 1

Skills:

Okay. Definitely some sort of acid trip, and it’s still happening.