Window wasted no time at all bringing herself up in front of me for everything she wanted to cover as soon as we made it back home. Everybody else spread out to go do their own fun things that didn’t involve reading endless walls of text and game mechanics.

OKAY WE’RE FINALLY DOING THIS

THANK YOU

Coughcough.

Ahem.

Now then.

First. You know that enhancement crystal you got? It lets you enhance stuff. Shocker, I know. Like, major plot twist. Anyways, it takes one enhancement crystal to enhance a weapon or piece of armor. OH. BY THE WAY. Having individual pieces of armor is way too much work and stuff to manage so, from now on, you only get to craft sets of armor. Also, this only applies to you and Vala. Everybody else comes with their own armor. You can also only switch yours and Vala’s weapons. But, I’m adding special trinkets and stuff that everybody can use and that can be enhanced. Oh, and you can enhance the others’ weapons even if you can’t change their weapons. And their armor. You just can’t give them new—I’M BEING REPETITIVE.

Okay. Moving on. Patch notes over.

So, you have an enhancement stone to enhance weapons, armor, and trinkets. To keep things simple, you’re only going to be able to enhance your weapon right now for the sake of this demonstration.

Say, “Open Enhancement Menu.”

“Do I have to? Can’t you just go straight to it?”

YES.

LET ME ACT LIKE A PROPER INFORMATIONAL STATUS WINDOW.

“Proper informational status windows need ordered around and told what to do?”

I—well, when you put it that way, you almost make me sound like a submissive masochist.

BUT NO. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. IT’S JUST THE WAY THAT THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. LIKE, WHAT IF A MENU IN A VIDEO GAME WENT THROUGH THE MENUS ALL ON ITS OWN WITHOUT ANY INPUT? THAT’D BE BAD GAME DESIGN. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE MENU AND CHOOSE THE OPTION YOURSELF.

“Since when do we care about bad game design here?”

Just say it.

pls.

I sighed, not that I was actually annoyed or anything, and gave up. “Alright. Open the enhancement menu.”

OKAY WE’RE FINALLY DOING THIS

THANK YOU

FINALLY.

Enhancement Menu!

Enhance Weapon

Enhance Armor

Enhance Trink—

“Just take me straight to whichever menu is relevant next time.”

You couldn’t even let me have that one thing. Why can’t I just be treated like a proper informational status window for one day?

“I love you.”

All I want to do is fulfill the purpose I was created—

…

“What?

……………………

y-you can’t just suddenly say it like that… it’s unfair…

“I love you. You’re a great mom. I’m happy I get to spend time with you. You’re the best informational status window to ever exist.”

HTWREHTRWESDHTBE4RHBTER OKASY

OKAY OKAY

OKAY

I GET IT

CONGRATULATIONS MISSION SUCCESSFUL

I… I love you too.

NOW CAN I PLEASE GO BACK TO BEING AN STATUS INFORMATIONAL—I MEAN, AN INFORMATIONAL STATUS WINDOW?

“I guess so.”

Ehe. Good job, Papa. You made Mama’s love points shoot up.

YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL HIM THAT

WE AREN’T EVEN ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING WITH THAT MECHANIC

We’re embarrassing you with it!

My own daughter shouldn’t want to embarrass me T_T

This world is cruel and unjust.

I love you, Mama!

I love you, too. Now go play somewhere.

‘kay!

Luca flew off, transformed into her humanoid form, and ran off in search of somebody to play with.

“That was easy,” I said.

Good. Kids are supposed to be easy to deal with.

“I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite.”

But our daughter is perfect which means that she’s easy to deal with.

“Fair point.”

Anyways.

Weapon Enhancements

Sticky Fluids

Applying this to a weapon will inflict a slowing effect on any enemies you hit with it.

Toxic Sludge

Applying this to a weapon will inflict enemies with poison that slowly drains their health.

Zombie Juice

Any enemies you beat with this have a 25% chance of spawning a zombie doggo that will temporarily fight for you.

They’ll all use up your enhancement crystal. Changing enhancements or removing enhancements will also use an enhancement crystal. So if you want to change stuff and experiment a lot or anything, you’re gonna have to farm for a lot of them. Good news is that all bosses from this zone and onward will drop them. Even the ones from the previous zone will drop them if you try the levels on their challenge difficulties, and there might be new drops there that you can use, too!

Oh, right, by the way, challenge mode is a thing. If you beat all the challenge fights from the previous zone, you’ll unlock an extra two new story missions designed to be super challenging!

But you’re not ready for that. Plot armor won’t help you in challenge mode, and you’d probably get insta wiped in the bonus levels.

But there’s also a new bonus waifu at the end of each zone’s challenge mode.

“Waifus?” Vala asked, suddenly leaning over my shoulder. That meant she was using her wings to hover in the air behind me since she was too short to do so normally. “I heard waifus.”

“Nobody said waifus. The closest thing you could have done is read waifus, and I don’t know how you would have read waifus without already being over here in the first place,” I said.

“Waifus are waifus regardless of how they are delivered.”

“That’s… not the—alright.”

“Good little human,” Vala said, patting my head.

“That’s a new one from you.”

“But it’s true. You are good. You are also human.”

“And the little?”

“Well… your pinky toe is little, so it’s accurate as long as one part of you is little.”

“Fair enough.”

Drake, you’ve become way too accepting of everything. You’re supposed to be the straight man who reacts like everything we do and say is over the top. Instead, you’ve become just as crazy as everybody else and I feel like even I’m more of a straight man than you. Well, a straight informational status window woman.

“Vala. Why is there a floating, sentient window talking to me?”

“Because I made it!”

“Why wouldn’t you make something more normal?”

“Informational status windows are very normal where I come from!”

“You don’t come from the land of video games!”

“If I spend all my life playing them, and my world becomes vidya, then that means I come from vidya!”

“No it doesn’t! And you’re thousands of years old! Video games have only been out for a few decades!”

“But the important thing is that these last few decades are the only ones that matter.” Vala nodded a couple of times. “Therefore, my whole lift has been spent with video games. I come from the vidya! My home is the land of dungeons, dragons, boys pretending to be cute cat girls to catfish lonely virgins out of all their money in games, and loot boxes!”

“That last part is nothing you should be proud of! Also, nice pun.”

“Heh, thanks.”

…

If you’re going to try and return to your roots, can you at least not do so by making me sound like I’m some weird thing?

Also you literally planted a star.

I’m not the weird one here.

I crossed my arms over my chest. “There’s nothing weird about planting stars. How do you think they grow?”

THEY GROW FROM, I DON’T KNOW, THE BIG BANG AND CHEMICAL REACTIONS AND STUFF

“You foolish informational status window! They grow from being planted in the ground and being watered with love! And with water!”

I’M PRETTY SURE IT WOULD BURN ANY WATER AWAY BEFORE IT CAN EVEN GET CLOSE

“Not if the water is full of love. Love, Window. Love. If it’s gardened by a man who loves his plants, star plants included, then the water will persevere until it makes it to the star’s core!”

NEXT YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT A GARDENER’S LOVE CAN ESCAPE THE EVENT HORIZON OF A BLACK HOLE

“You’re wrong, Window.”

Good. You’re not that insane after a—

“A gardener’s love could even break through a black hole’s singularity! Not even infinite density is enough to defeat the love a gardener has for his garden!”

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

“He has a point,” Vala said. “Don’t forget, love is the most powerful thing in the universe. Nothing is stronger than love.” She then kissed my ear. “By the way, I love you, Drake. Hehe.”

I turned my head, careful of her horns, and kissed her back. “Love you too. Not as much as my garden, but still.”

“It’s okay. I know you could never love me more than your garden.”

THAT’S NOT SOMETHING TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF

IT’S NOT HEALTHY TO LOVE A GARDEN MORE THAN A LIVING BEING

“Window, when you truly love somebody, you have to support them no matter what choices they make in life! Even if it’s losing in love to a garden!”

THAT’S SOME SERIOUSLY MESSED UP LOVE

wait

tags: yandere, monster girl, vanilla, memes, lazy

There we go. I turned you into a doujin’s tag list.

“Nice. Also it’s okay because it’s not like Drake really loves his garden more. I think.” Vala looked at me again. “Do you?”

“Anyways,” I said, “I get to choose one of those enhancements, right?”

“Dr-Drake…”

“I’m joking. I love you more than gardening. Barely.”

“Phew. Barely is enough for me.”

Vala, you shouldn’t settle for any “barely.”

Vala tilted her head, making sure to tilt it in the opposite direction from my head. She was doing good with being careful of stabbing or bashing me with her horns. “Why?”

Because! You’re like, perfect! Even if we got that one review from the guy on the first volume who said that you’re only ever called perfect and never actually shown to be perfect, you’re perfect!

“No I’m not. I’m lazy, just want to play video games and munch on snacks, cuddle, and do lewd things every now and then. I don’t care about anything else.”

YOU LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED THE DREAM GIRL OF DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY VIRGINS? AND YOU’RE A CUTE DRAGON GIRL TO TOP IT OFF. YOU ARE LITERALLY A UNICORN OF PERFECTION THAT MOST MEN WITH GOOD TASTE WOULD DREAM FOR BUT BELIEVE TO BE IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN IF WE TOOK AWAY THE FACT THAT YOU’RE A DRAGON GIRL, THEY WOULD STILL THINK IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEBODY LIKE YOU TO EXIST. EVERYBODY WANTS A CUTE LAZY GAMING GF WHO LOVES THEM AND WANTS TO DO LEWD THINGS AND CUDDLE.

“Nahhhhh. If they told me to get in the kitchen and make them a sandwich I’d be too lazy to and tell them to make me one instead.”

THAT KIND OF BANTER MAKES YOU EVEN MORE PERFECT

“Vala, go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich,” I ordered.

“Okay!” Vala replied.

I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID YOU WOULDN’T ACCEPT IT AND WOULD TELL HIM TO DO IT INSTEAD

“But I love Drake and want to make him happy, so it’s okay. I’ll make sandwiches for him.”

HTREWDSH5TRWSEDHTRWSDFHBTRWDFHTRHTRDFSHBNTSDEF

I’M SUING WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT PUTTING YOUR FACE NEXT TO THE DEFINITION OF PERFECT IN THE DICTIONARY

“Don’t actually make me a sandwich,” I said. “I’ll make us some instead.”

“Eh? You sure?” Vala asked me.

“Yeah. Like Window is saying, you’re perfect. Let me treat you.”

“Hehehe, okay. I’ll go play some more vidya while waiting. Oh! And put an extra pickle on mine.”

“You know, I’ve heard of people who don’t like pickles and ask for them to be removed, but I’ve never heard of somebody who asks for extra pickles.”

“People who don’t like pickles are weak and their bloodlines will probably die out. Pickles are the bomb. Good for your health and gut and stuff. Especially the properly fermented ones. They nice and cronchy, too.”

“Cronchy?”

“Yeah. Crunchy but with an o.”

“Fair enough.”

“Mhm! Okay, vidya time.”

With that, Vala flew off to return to her games.

“Alright, Window. Let’s get back to the status stuff. I think… I’ll go with the zombie juice on my own weapon. It’s the latest one I got which probably means it’s the most powerful. Also, I want even more dogs.”

You know what really makes my love points go up? Actually using the system.

I love you so hard right now that I don’t even mind telling you it without blushing. All because you’re actually doing system stuff.

“Don’t get used to it. I’m going to go make me and Vala sandwiches now, and then we can check out the towers.”

But… but weapon and armor crafting and stuff.

“Just let me see whatever I need to upgrade my axe.”

Royal Cat PickAxe (Upgrade from Cat Bone PickAxe)

Upgrade Time: Instant

Required Materials: all that royal cat stuff

Durability: 100%

Efficiency: 130% (I forget if we removed efficiency or if we just removed difficulty, uh… I guess I’ll leave efficiency)

7 Damage

An upgraded PickAxe that uses… uh… royal cat stuff? The shaft will have a pretty bow and cat toy dangling from the bottom of it now.

Royal Cat HoeSho (Upgrade from Cat Bone HoeSho)

Upgrade Time: Instant

Required Materials: see above

Efficiency: 130%

6 Damage

An upgraded HoeSho that… basically looks the same as above, except it’s a hybrid of hoe and shovel.

“You’re really getting lazy with these, aren’t you?”

Shut it. Just agree to upgrade them.

“Alright, alright.”

Okay. Now, since you agreed to upgrade those, we can upgrade them into the latest versions!

Spooky Pickaxe (Upgrade from Royal Cat PickAxe)

Upgrade Time: Instant

Required Materials: all that royal cat stuff

Durability: 100%

Efficiency: 170%

12 Damage

Honestly, it’s gonna look like a downgrade. It was a nice, fancy, pretty little royal cat thing before, but now it’s going to look like a bone made into a PickAxe with questionable leather for a grip. But it’s technically made out of more difficult material to acquire which makes it better since that’s how video game logic works.

Spooky HoeSho (Upgrade from Royal Cat HoeSho)

Upgrade Time: Instant

Required Materials: see above, again

Efficiency: 170%

9 Damage

Same but a HoeShoe.

“Wait. Will my PickAxe keep the enhancement since I’m just upgrading it?”

Yeah. If you wanted to switch weapons you wouldn’t keep it but, as long as you’re just upgrading the same weapon, you can keep it.

“Alright. Then I guess I’ll upgrade both.”

It’s a miracle, we’ve finally done some system stuff.

“I’m going to go make the sandwiches now and then we can check out the towers. You want one?”

I’m good. I’m gonna go find out what Luca is up to. Probably playing games with the doggo sisters again.

“Must be nice to have three fun aunts. Also… I just realized Vala is back. I mean, I knew she was there, but I forgot she left. She went to go see Santa or something, didn’t she?”

Oh. Right. That random plot line happened.

“Guess I’ll ask her how that went while we eat.”