Chapter 37

A Human Heart (III)

It wasn’t difficult to get away from the hubris of the swarmed city, Cain realized as soon as he started edging closer to the National Forest. Though it wasn’t completely void of life, as many opted out of entering the Tower that daily killed thousands, it was remarkably... silent, at least compared to how densely it was packed beforehand. Perfect to clear his thoughts, regain some clarity and perspective -- at least until he reached his destination, which was a mile or so into the wooded area where Jamal’s phone was pinged.

He found the man hunched over a tree log, a pool of vomit beneath him, disheveled and fast asleep, several empty bottles laid out beside him. Cain sighed and sat down next to the man, lighting up a cigarette in silence. The morning's mist rolled up in the distance, the tall mountains bobbing up and down in the distance. It was a quaint area, one that Cain had never visited before. Before or after the Tower fell, in his past life, he largely remained confined inside a small perimeter, too uncomfortable to leave it.

Jamal coughed suddenly, rolling down the log and onto the grass below, yelping in pain as he haphazardly tried standing up. He seemed out of it for a good few minutes before coming to somewhat, looking around and spotting Cain, smiling suddenly.

“Eey~~ it’s C-man!” Jamal exclaimed excitedly.

“... did you just call me semen?” Cain asked oddly.

“Yeah, C-man!”

“...”

“What’s up, C-man? You, you got any booze? I’m kinda thirsty...”

“Do you even know where we are?” Cain asked, sighing.

“Ay, man! We at that old Rick’s building or whatever, drinking and stuff!”

“... have some water,” Cain, after some struggle, managed to pour enough Mana out to open up his inventory, tossing a bottle of water at Jamal’s feet. The latter quickly picked it up and started gobbling it, most of it slipping at the sides of his lips and down his jaw. “You’ve been drinking yourself near death for a week now, Jamal.”

“Aaaah,” Jamal exhaled in satisfaction, having finished up the bottle. “A week? Sheesh, feels much longer, gotta say.”

“... I found you lurched over a log in a fucking forest, Jamal,” Cain said. “If you’re gonna drink yourself silly, at least do it somewhere you can’t die.”

“... where?” Jamal scoffed lowly. “The Tower, maybe?”

“...”

“It ain’t right, Cain,” Jamal said, curling his fingers around the bottle of water tightly. “What happened. It... it just ain’t right.”

“It’s not.” Cain said.

“I knew those two. We knew those two,” he added, glancing at Cain. “Heck, I was gonna buy that goddamn kid his first beer after we left.”

“It’s cute you think he never drank before...”

"That's... that's not the point," Jamal growled. "It's, it's like a rite of passage. He's earned it, the mental case. Fuckin' balls the size of Texas. And look where it got 'im."

“...” Cain remained silent, taking a puff of the cigarette. “You’re afraid.”

“Of course I’m afraid, man!” Jamal exclaimed, gritting his teeth. “Aren’t you?! Just ‘cause we got magic and shit... it doesn’t matter in there! One mistake, and boom go our lives! I’m... I’m not a soldier, Cain! Never even took taekwondo classes or some shit! I spent most of my life with my ass on a chair, studying and watching movies and pretending I’m the ‘shit’!”

“... yea, it’s scary,” Cain said, nodding lightly. “But it’s scary for everyone, Jamal. The thing is... we don’t have to brave it. This isn’t a war. You went in, took a shot, and realized... it wasn’t for you. There’s no shame in staying outside. None at all.”

“... that’s the thing,” Jamal said, his expression hardening as though there was a cosmic-like contest inside his mind. “I... I want to go back, Cain. Part of me... part of me even can’t wait. That thrill... that feeling you get, you know? When starlight surges through me... it’s like... it’s like there’s an infinite ocean of energy buried inside my soul, and I’m drawing from it. And I can feel every single cell in my body like... like this electricity, some sort of fuel, pushing me forward. Do you... do you feel it too?”

“... I do,” Cain said, nodding. “It’s hard to resist.”

“It is,” Jamal nodded. “And yet... at the same time... there’s a voice inside my head that’s telling me I will die if I go back in there. Fuck...”

“For about a year after Lana was born,” Cain spoke out after short silence. “I was so leery of... everything. I’d look left and right ten times before crossing the street if she was with me, I’d avoid other people like plague, I’d disinfect every single thing she touched... I was so terrified of anything happening to her that I barely have any memories of her first year. I don’t even remember the first time my baby walked because I was too busy checking ‘strange sounds’ in the bathroom.”

“Damn... what the hell?”

“Ha ha, tell me about it,” Cain shook his head. “Truth is, we never know when it will be our time, Jamal. But I do know that regrets will make that time much worse than it needs to be. ‘What ifs’ will swarm your mind, and you won’t even be able to die in peace. I can’t tell you what to do,” he added, looking down at the man. “But if you ever do want to go back... you have my number. And... if not.... call me up anyway. Having more friends is always better than having fewer.”

“... you’re a cool man, Cain,” Jamal chuckled as he slowly stood up, tossing the bottle away. “Embarrassingly so, actually. You’re barely older than me... yet have a ton of dad-vibe in you. It’s kinda creepy, actually...”

“Though I’ve only been a dad for nine years, I’ve been a daddy for much longer.”

“Dude...”

“It’s all that dad-vibe,” Cain grinned. “Can’t help myself.”

“...” Jamal laughed helplessly, shaking his head.

“Come on,” Cain said, standing up from the log. “Let’s go back home.”

**

“Diya, lunch is ready!” Emma called out as she stopped in place, admiring the spread on the table. She was mostly admiring the arrangement, as the food itself was ordered.

A few moments later, the young woman creeped out of her room in silence, rubbing her eyes as she walked over and sat down without saying a word. Lana joined from the back, silent as well, sitting down and glancing between Emma and Diya worriedly.

“Are you busy today, Diya?” Emma suddenly asked as she sat down, startling the young woman.

“H-huh? B-busy?” Diya asked.

“Yeah,” Emma nodded, pouring herself a glass of wine. “I looked it up, and apparently a lot of good places still function. There’s this neat spa center nearby that I thought of visiting. You know, just to unload and all, and was wondering whether you’d like to come with me.”

“Uh--”

“What am I talking about? Duh! Of course you do,” Emma interrupted before Diya could reply. “I mean, we are friends now, and friends go everywhere together. Lana, you wanna come with us, too?”

“E-eh?! Really?!” Lana exclaimed excitedly.

“Of course!” Emma grinned. “We’ll make a whole day of it! Spa, a fancy dinner, and movies here! If we find some clothes stores, we can go shopping as well!”

“Yaaaay!”

“Uh... Em--Emma...” Diya mumbled. “I...”

“... Cain asked me out on a date,” Emma played her last card, smiling pleadingly. “And... and I wanna look my best, you know? Please? Pretty-please?”

“...” both Diya and Lana blushed faintly, though the latter more so with excitement rather than embarrassment. Diya shyly nodded her head, causing Emma to cheer aloud.

As they finished eating, Lana scurried hurriedly to call Cain and confirm what Emma said, while Diya and Emma stayed behind to clean up. Though Emma noticed that the young woman was eyeing her with eyes full of desire to ask a question, she remained silent, waiting for the girl to speak up herself. It happened just before they were completely done, in a shaky and tiny voice.

“Do... do you think... he’s disappointed?” despite expecting the question, Emma did not expect that one, surprising her.

“E-eh? Who? Cain?” she asked.

“Hm.” Diya nodded feebly.

“Disappointed in what?”

“... me...” her voice turned to a whisper, and Emma was certain that if it was before the whole Class thing, she would have been unable to pick up on it.

“Why would he be? W-wait--you... you didn’t develop a crush on him or something?” Emma asked with a strange look in her eyes.

“W-what?! No, no!” Diya denied immediately, her cheeks flushing even redder, flustered. “I swear--no!”

“O-okay, okay... I believe you.” Emma smiled lightly as she tried to calm the young woman down. “So... why are you asking?”

“... he... he always... seemed ready,” Diya replied as the two sat down. “For everything. And... it was... it was supposed to be my job. To be ready. To strategize. I... I thought... maybe he was angry and disappointed... because of it...”

“...” Emma picked up on something, but chose to remain silent for the time being, merely sighing and putting on a smile. “Cain... if there’s anyone he’s disappointed in, Diya, it’s himself. He knows, just as well as I do, and everyone else, that without you there, by our side... even if we came out alive from it, we’d all look like zombies. This time around, he bailed us out a bit. So, we pick ourselves up and prove to ourselves we can be better.”

“...” Diya glanced at her from below, a faint glimmer of determination in her eyes. “I... I can be better.” she mumbled.

“Of course you can, ha ha ha,” Emma said, patting her head. “Besides, that bastard pissed me off royally yesterday morning. I really wanna shock his eyes out of their sockets when he sees how better I’ll be the next run. Don’t worry about him, Diya. Or anyone else, for that matter,” she added. “Just be yourself, alright?”

"... yes." she nodded meekly, causing Emma to smile. She saw the same desire in the young girl's eyes that she herself had -- that sort of determination that had her almost wanting to return to the Tower immediately and to prove to herself that she belonged.

She knew it was a silly thought, especially considering that she was still having very vivid nightmares of that place, but that sort of paradox was born, the double-think in a way, that had her guessing her own sanity, among many other things.