WHO ALLOWED SPIDERS TO GET THIS BIG!

There I was, carefully walking around the edge of this giant jungle room. Listening the birds, and watching the jungle carefully, I edged my way around a giant, funny looking boulder when the entire boulder lifted up and I was overwhelmed by terror.

LEGS. SO MANY HAIRY LEGS.

I barely have any time to process as I get grabbed, pierced by giant fangs, and dragged into a hole in the ground. I fire my flamethrower belatedly, and manage to set myself, and the spider on fire.

The giant trapdoor spider yanks both of us underground with amazing speed. The lid slams above us and suddenly the only sources of light are our own smouldering bodies and the magic lamp-limb I made, though it's furled up by my basket rim.

I am panic punching and kicking everywhere I can reach as I get stabbed by fangs covered in some gross fluids in non vital places when I realize. I don't feel pain the same way as a plant. Plants don't have an ability to do anything on their own, so they have no need for a self preservation alarm. Most of me is non vital areas also, the hive is still pretty small in comparison to the big body I built, and the spider's fangs aren't penetrating my woody material well, leading to lots of puncture holes but no damage. Its fangs are only sticking about 8 inches into my body, which isn't quite enough to reach my hive. I'm glad my hive isn't bigger for once.

My panic subsides a bit. It's still there, but I gain some breathing room to make a rational thought.

First, I send away the bees. No point in letting the only vulnerable creatures here get killed while I make my plan. I don't send them too far, after all, I might fail and need to call on them. I doubt it would do much good, the spider is a bit bigger than I am, but if it comes down to it... No, let's make a different plan.

Fire didn't seem to hurt it that badly, but I bet all this web is flammable. We'd both cook like soft boiled eggs in here, but maybe I could do it anyway? There's a few bee larvae in the hive who wouldn't survive that. Let's save that for later. Just in case.

Agh, those fangs wiggling in the new hole above my leg feel gross. That sensation is disconcerting and I don't like it. Have a hard right to the knee joint! And another to the eyes! And a kick to the.... whatever that's called. I don't think I'm hurting it much, but this is a fight of principle. Also I need more time to think.

Plants? I could grow some plants I guess. I don't think that would be fast enough, plants don't grow very fast, even assisted by magic, but maybe if I got a nearby tree to donate some extra fluids through a root or something I could be more prepared to survive fire? I know I could seal the trapdoor shut pretty fast, it's right next to some roots that are already there. I'm not confident that would help, but I'll keep it in mind.

My strongest ability is in psionics. Maybe I can just talk to it? Very aggressive creature though.

I form a link. It feels kind of like a bee mind, only there's at least 3 separate brains working in tandem. Also that vision and the feeling of the legs and hearts pumping from the inside is nauseating. I feel ill.

The mind of the thing is like a hurricane. There's a lot going on but it's all bent to one purpose.

Also I've hurt it more than I thought, there is some serious damage to two of the legs and two eyes, and it actually distracts me for a moment as I feel the spider's pain.

“Hey!” I mentally shout. “Let me go, you old hairy octopus! You're starting to annoy me!”

Surprisingly, the spider pulls back, and I feel wariness coming from it.

Suddenly I see the spider's leg tips twitch as I hear a sputtering whistle. The emotion I feel from it changes to... amusement?

I'm being laughed at. It sounds really unpleasant too, like a songbird choking on a penny.

A reply comes via the link. “Who are you to make demands of me, little sapling? You're in my house and I can practically taste your mana already!”

There's a lot to unpack here. It doesn't care that I'm sentient, and it doesn't want to actually eat me, just eat my mana. Also if this is its house I might have more leverage than I thought.

“You haven't really hurt me yet, but if you do, I will set the entire place on fire. I can make an awful lot of fire, but I didn't really want to set myself on fire too. I'm starting to think it would be worth it.” I don't even have to lie, it's true.

I feel a shift in emotion back to wariness. “I can be out of here in a flash of legs, and I will wait outside to feast on your charred crystal when the fire burns out.” The spider's mental voice sounds like 4 record scratches coincidentally making speech, and I hate it, but I'm getting somewhere.

I raise my vine limb, and mentally shout “Observe!” while pointing at the lid and showing off my grow spell. The lid seals shut with writhing roots that moved to block the entryway.

I feel actual worry coming from the spider, but the mental voice of the thing is steady as before.

“Well? Burn us already, Sapling.”

“Honestly, I'd rather not. It will take me a long time to heal from such severe burns as will destroy your majestic form.” A little flattery never hurt anyone. I continue. “Also you did best me in melee combat, I have much to learn in that area. Since you did teach me a few things, I could offer you a payment in exchange for your tutelage? Perhaps a mana crystal, since you seem to value them?”

“I'm listening.”

“How about one of these crystals?” I ask, and reach inside my basket to remove a crystal extracted from a moleratmadillow.

“Tiny, hardly worth my time.”

I relax a little. Now that we've started haggling over price, we've practically agreed I'm going to live through this.

“How about this?” I ask, and unleash my life force, merging the single crystal with another, nearly tripling its size.

I feel greed flash over my one of my opponent's minds. There's so much going on in there that it's hard to say what happened, but I can tell it is pleased.

“That's almost worth my time. Now how will you compensate me for my lost hunting time and injuries?”

Now we are speaking my language. If it wasn't for the horror of being locked in a mexican standoff underground with a giant spider, and if I had a face, I'd surely be grinning.

After a few minutes more haggling, we settle on a third tier crystal. However what comes next has me flabbergasted.

“I'll only accept this if you come back for some proper tutelage. With appropriate payment of course. It's been a literal age since I had a proper student, and you're durable enough to make the cut. Also you are an absolute mess. I've never seen anyone so inept at fighting that wasn't already dead from something or another.”

Gee, thanks. Now I'm getting insulted by the thing that tried to eat me. Wonderful. Try not to be rude. Try not to be rude..

“If you insist, sir?”

“I do insist. If you don't come to me, I'll come to you. And I believe I've learned your weaknesses. But bring me another offering like this, and clean up that mess you made of the roof and I'll forgive your trespass and beat you until you stop flailing around like a retarded antelope. Perhaps we can get you to improve to the level of a retarded jaguar instead.”

“That would be... nice. Could we, maybe, train me to fight like a regular animal instead of a retarded one though?”

“I apologize, but I don't think you've the capacity, Sapling.”

Lovely. Now I'm being blackmailed into spending some time being physically and mentally abused by a giant spider.

Shit.

What the hell is wrong with my life.