A conversation between a Passivity Precept Counselor and Darin D., age 65. April 5th 20XX

“— Violence is necessary to stop abuse and injustice!”

“And that is why we will also put a stop to those as well.”

*Scoff* “Who do you think you are? God?”

“No. We’re the Passivity Precept.”

I reached the doorway where my prey had passed through. Since I didn’t know what to expect, I took just enough time to peer into the compacted dirt room. The space was the size of a gymnasium but. The area was the opposite of clean with its uneven cracked ground and yellow glowing mold growing on the walls. It had some kind of scratchy spell circle engraved in the middle of the floor where a huge amount of giant-rat droppings had been piled like some kind of manure hoard. Also, along the edge of that spell circle, my ratty target squatted, its eyes closed tightly. It let out a squeaky grunt that I assumed was the rat’s version of the DBZ powering up yell.

Alright, well, despite all the odd shit, literal and otherwise, that was going on in this room, I had a target to murder. And nothing screamed ‘helpless’ like a creature taking a shit.

I cast Add Water, waited for my mana to fill back up, then cast my invisibility spell and ran up to the rat. Just as it finished its business and opened its eyes, I used my swords to slice its little head right off. It flew to the side and bounced on the floor. The body collapsed with a disgusting splat. Blood gushed everywhere, including onto me.

More importantly, the rat blood seeped into the scratchy spell circle like a terrible sacrifice. The etchings in the circle glowed golden brown and the room shook.

The piles of mushy, hard and liquidy excrement flowed together to build a hand, which then slammed the ground near my foot and pulled the rest of its fat body up.

“Holy Fucking Shit Demon!” I gaged. “Observe!”

Fecal Golem (Rat). Level 2. 150 HP. 10 MP.

The PPVS could say it’s a “Fecal Golem” all it wants but it totally looked like a Golgothan from Dogma with mouse ears and whiskers.

I spent a second deciding if I was going to run or not since I was not into smelling like a beach restroom for the next two days.

Crash! I turned.

No! My exit! A crude stone door blocked my only retreat. Motes of dust billowed around it as if mocking me. I guess that decided my fate.

I turned and really looked at the monster.

What can I fight this thing with? Air? Nope. That might make its stench attach to me more. Fire? And have me change it into a flaming shit demon so I panic and inevitably pass out? No thank you! That left water. Which seemed like the obvious choice but I had my suspicions that it wasn’t the best choice.

The demon pressed its hands together and a few seconds later it opened them to reveal several balls of polished excrement which rolled in its palm looking not entirely unlike cannonballs. Or, more accurately “shat-on-balls.” The golem pinched one with two fatty fingers and tossed it at me.

Wait, this mob was a ranged attacker? Crap!

I dodged at the very last moment and started running toward it. Fortunately, my mask was still working but it wouldn’t be long until it stopped. When it failed, I’d be at a real stinking disadvantage.

After a magic air kiss to my swords, I plunged them into its bulbous ankle. Or tried to. Unfortunately, they practically bounced back while only doing a sliver of damage to it.

How the hell was I supposed to kill this thing?

A loud explosion rocked the room and I turned to see a black smear where the shat-on-ball landed.

I sensed the gravity and heat of something huge above my head and rolled to the right just in time to avoid a fist. I ran backward around the room so I could watch this monster. It followed after me but was too slow to really catch up. As long as I didn’t trip. I really hoped I didn’t!

It threw another shat-on-ball at me and I only just stepped out of the way. Just before the golem reached it the ball exploded in a blinding ball of fire. Fire! A chill ran down my spine and my limbs refused to move. Fucking fire! Terrifying fire!

The golem’s mouth gaped open and its body trembled like a jello filled balloon. Its reaction to its own ball’s explosion was the only reason I wasn’t dead and sent back to the dungeon’s entrance.

My knees shook. What an improvement from limp noodles! Still, I powered through my fear, sort of, and crept backward about as fast as a tortoise.

The golem roared and oozed after me, which helpfully kicked in my good ol’ fight or flight reflexes and made running away much easier!

Wait a second! Usually, if a monster is too hard to beat for its level that meant there was some trick to killing it. In this case, probably something to do with those!

I kited the golem until it flicked another one at me. To dodge it, I twisted my hips and let it fly past me. It hit the wall and bounced back, landing nearby.

Shit! My leg moved on its own, kicking the ball at the golem’s head.