‘Wheres the beef, Aya?!’ I yelled out in my head as I sat on my bed in my quarters looking at the hamburger on my plate. It looked like hamburger. It smelled like hamburger. But it was not hamburger. It was nothing more than an illusion made to trick my mind into thinking I was eating the real thing. But I knew better, I wasn’t fooled in the least.

‘Replicators can only imitate the real thing.’ Aya explained for what must have been the tenth time over the course of our interstellar journey. Normally when we stop at a station or a planet, we would be able to acquire supplies for some real food. We never got the chance to do so at Avon’s place, and now we were paying the price.

‘Whats this slop even made out of?’ I asked as I picked up the fake bun and gagged at the fake cheese and patty.

‘Every order from the replicators are from reprocessed plant-based products.’

‘Don’t bullshit me Aya, I’ve have tofu before and this is garbage. Tofu may be fake, but at least it has some taste to it! This replicant crap is pure disappointment and emptiness! I swear Aya, if I have to spend another day eating this crap I’m plotting us on a direct course into a black hole.’

‘I’m sorry Captain, but its all we have at the moment. We are still a day’s travel from the Falrias system.’ I groaned out loud,

‘Just kill me now.’

‘Negative.’

The thought of another two days of these hellish conditions was too much. Boredom was bad, but at least we had decent food to look forward to in between systems. Now we didn’t even have that. With a sigh, I atomized my half-eaten not-burger and headed out of my room for a bit of a stretch and a workout in the cargo bay. As I walked through the hall of the ship, I stepped over Hortur’s tail. He had run out of lemons yesterday and was just now starting to feel the effects of lemonlessness.

“Hang in there buddy.” I called out to him. “We’ve another day to go.”

“Kill me…” Came the pitiful reply from within his room.

“I know exactly how you feel man.” He tried to say something else, but a wave of nausea gripped him. With a brief ‘peace out’ I left him to his suffering.

The door to the cargo bay zipped open as I approached. It was a shame, we had all this cargo space and no cargo. We could make some extra cash transporting goods across systems if we utilized what we had. Not as much as a dedicated freighter, but still, money is money. Looking around the empty room, I spied Egyle wrapped up in her bedsheets asleep against the walls closest to the engines. She’d been doing that more and more as time went on, and I was pretty sure she had a ship fetish. She’d fit right in on My Strange Addiction like that dude who was in love with his car.

I could see the headlines now, ‘Princess has illicit relationship with a ship she doesn’t even own!’ I’m sure her parents would love that. Well, since she was sleeping here I’d come back another time.

“Captain?” Egyle yawned groggily from the corner. “We there yet?”

“Another day and we will be.” I responded to her as she rubbed her eyes.

“Damn.” Another yawn escaped her. The little princess was growing up, she had cursed! Look at me, corrupting the youth.

‘You truly are a monster.’ Aya sarcastically stated.

“What are you doing here Captain?” She asked groggily.

“Was going to do some light exercise, but since you’re here I’ll come back another time. Why do you keep sleeping in here anyway?”

“I like the sound of the engines. Its calming. Besides, my room is right next to Hortur’s. I couldn’t sleep last night from those noises he was making.”

“Ah, I got you. You can go back to sleep if you want.”

“Its fine…” she mumbled, “I gotta get back to cleaning anyway.” Without even bothering to open her eyes, she stood up and walked from the cargo bay, still wrapped in her bed sheet. She cooks, she cleans, and she can take out a Fighter in three volleys from a pair of outdated plasma cannons. Total wife material.

Just not my wife. That position was saved.

‘You’re hopeless.’ Aya sighed.

‘Hopeful actually. Me and Avon are friends now, thats like, super close to almost being married kinda.’

‘Negative.’

‘Why you gotta do me like this Aya?’

‘Someone has to bring you back to reality.’

‘Thanks mom.’ I rolled my eyes. It was time for a workout.

—————————————————————

A baking red sun beat down upon the dunes of Falrias II. Massive groupings of sandstone cities had been built around the few massive oases located on the surface of the planet. The rest of the world was comprised entirely of unforgiving desert, the perfect habitat for the Lamlian people like Jiirl. Her golden hair rustled in the breeze that flowed through her home, humming happily as she folded freshly washed laundry. Her upper body clothed in only a very thin black shirt. White scales glimmered in the sunlight as her blue eyes affixed upon the three guests sitting in her living room.

“You boys thirsty?” Jiirl asked with a kindly voice.

“Yes’m!” the three men sitting on her sofa all spoke in unison.

“Coming right up!” she smiled and slithered towards the kitchen to prepare a refreshing glass of imported mint tea. Her husband Hortur hadn’t sent her a message in days, but that was the usual with him. ‘Hes always so caught up in his work. Sands bless him so.’ She thought happily to herself as she opened the refrigerator to bring out the ingredients necessary to entertain her guests.

“You idiots.” A blond haired boy who had introduced himself as the Prince mumbled softly. Jiirl didn’t know what to think of that, having a Prince in her own home. It was preposterous! As if someone so important would bother themselves with someone like her on a planet like this. The group had only arrived two days ago asking about her husband. When she couldn’t give them an answer the turned a little unruly, but nothing a firm hand couldn’t solve.

“Here you are boys.” She smiled as she placed a plate with four glasses balanced atop upon the table in her living room.

“Thank you Mrs. Klaas.” The three armored men spoke as they took their glasses. She nodded happily. Prince Lavizo, if he truly was a prince, looked at the fourth glass cautiously.

“I added a bit of honey just the way you like it dear.” She smiled at the boy before heading back into the kitchen.

“Thank you very much.” He mumbled with rosy red cheeks.

‘What a good boy.’ Jiirl thought to herself.

Before she could begin to start getting a bowl of snacks ready, the communicator began to play her favorite Lamlian band’s song. The same one she had danced to on her wedding night.

“Oh my!” she smiled as she rushed over the communicator and held it up to her head. “Hortur?”

“My love, forgive me for not contacting you earlier. Are you safe? Are you well?” He heart soared as she heard his voice. Her tail swished back and forth happily.

“Oh Hortur its so good to hear from you! Yes yes, I’m both safe and fine. How about you? Are you well, dear?” The four men in her home watched and listened to her conversation with an unhealthy amount of interest. She’d have to give them a proper scolding later.

“Yes yes, I am! And you?”

“Oh everything has been lovely. Thank you dear.”

“Good, good. Listen Jiirl, something has come up. I need you to get your things ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“Is it him?” The so-called Prince asked curiously, but a sharp glare fixed him right up. This was her home and he was under her rules. And her rules said no interrupting communications.

“We need to leave Jiirl. Things have…” he sighed, “I’d much rather explain face to face. Just please, get your things ready, okay?”

“Hmm alright dear, but what about our home?”

“We…we’ll have to leave it for now. Please get ready, I’ll be there in an hour at most.”

“An hour?! Oh my, such a surprise!”

“See you soon, my sun.”

“And you, my sands.” The communication ended with a beep. She couldn’t believe her ears! Her husband was coming here for her! Frantically she began to think of all the things she’d need for their journey together. ‘Oh its so exciting and romantic!’ she thought to herself.

“Mrs. Klaas, was it him?” Lavizo asked politely. She nodded, he was becoming a much better young man than when he had first arrived.

“Indeed, he’ll be here within the hour he says.” Unable to contain her joy, she began to gather things she’d need for wherever they were going.

“Alright guys, lets move.” Lavizo spoke in a commanding tone and headed towards the exit. “Thank you for your hospitality Mrs. Klaas.” Lavizo remember to say before leaving.

“Thank you!” the men echoed

“You’re welcome. Oh! Before you leave, I have a gift for you!” She rushed into the kitchen. The four humans waited around by the exit, not wanting to be improper in their hostess’ home. “Here you boys go.” She handed them each a thermos, “Surish Bush wine.” She explained with a smile. They all thanked her for her great kindness. “You boys are welcome back any time, you hear?”

“Thanks again!” They all bowed their heads and left the home. It was good that they were finally able to learn some manners.

————————————————————————————————————

“Falrias orbital, this is Boatsy, requesting permission to dock.” I spoke into the communicator.

“Falrais orbital confirming Boatsy. Please dock at the designated hangar.”

“Roger that orbital, Boatsy out.” With our location confirmed, we zipped towards our destination, a very minor spaceport that orbited Falrias II, a desert world of white sands. Small splashes of green surrounded large inland oceans called oases by Hortur. It was at one of these we would find his wife.

“Alright Egyle, I’m entrusting you with a vital mission here. I spoke as we assembled in the cargo bay. With Aya’s help, I transferred a large amount of money to her account. “Buy everything. Every bit of food you can find, we want. Crates and crates of whatever you can get your hands on.”

“And lemons. Don’t forget the lemons.” Hortur spoke with a hand over his stomach.

“Food and lemons. Got it.” She nodded seriously.

“Oh and if you can, a bottle of Surish Bush wine would be lovely. My wife and I love the stuff.” Hortur requested.

“I’ve had that wine before! Its quite delicious and refreshing. I’ll get a few bottles!” Egyle smiled happily.

“Alright, while we do that, Hortur and I will go retrieve his wife. We should be back in an hour or so.”

“Affirmative. Good luck you two!” Egyle smiled and headed down the ramp to acquire our supplies. We followed shortly after in search of a shuttle that would take us to Hortur’s home.

“Are you sure you know how to fly this thing?” Hortur asked nervously as I sat in the cockpit of the shuttle we had been given leave to use. Multitudes of buttons and gizmos lit up in front of me as the ignition started up.

“Nope, but it cant be too hard.” I spoke as I grabbed the flight stick and slowly increased the throttle. Aya was giving me instructions as fast as I could think, just like when I piloted the ship. Like a rocket, we shot out of the station and hurtled towards the planet far below.

Dunes of sand came into view as we cruised through the planet’s atmosphere. It wasn’t long until a city of white sandstone buildings came into view followed by the nearest inland ocean.

“Thats Shirishilis.” Hortur explained, “We’re not far from my home now. Take it down anywhere.” As soon as Hortur spoke those words, the shuttle began to nose-dive towards the city.

“Ummm.” I spoke as I attempted to pull up on the flight stick. It wouldn’t budge.

“Captain, please pull up. You’re scaring me.” Hortur uttered nervously as the sandy streets crept ever closer.

“I’m trying buddy. This thing ain’t budging.” I grunted while trying my best to pull up. “Well Hortur, its been fun.” I sighed as I sat back in my seat.

“No! Not like this!” Hortur cried out as he reached the flight stick. No matter how he struggled, it wouldn’t budge.

Moments before we collided into the streets of Shiri-something, the shuttle leveled out and slowed down.

‘Did you enjoy the ride?’

“Not funny Aya.” I grumbled. “You made me accept my death for nothing.”

“Aya…did this…?” Hortur panted as he held a hand over his heart.

“Robot humor.” I explained.

“Ha…ha…” Hortur managed as he took deep breaths.

‘See? He thought it was funny.’ Aya spoke smugly.

‘Thats just the mania settling in.’

Sand buffeted my face as we walked through the streets. The breeze proved very comforting in the blazing heat of fifty degrees Celsius. I had no idea what a Celsius was, but it must have been fucking hot. At least it was a dry heat and not the muggy crap you get when humidity gets involved.

Hortur led the way through the sandy streets as multitudes of Lamlian people slithered around us. The young and old all had tanned skin and a multitude of colors for scaled lower bodies. Most chose to wear nothing at all for upper-body clothing, even the women. Especially the women. Predatory eyes locked upon me as more than a few caught my wandering eyes.

‘Its impolite to stare.’ Aya chastised.

‘I’m not staring, I’m appreciating art.’ I replied as one of the snake-women winked my way.

“Don’t fall for their charms Captain, it isn’t uncommon for a Lamlian woman to crush human bones during coitus.” Hortur warned.

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body Hortur. Can’t we spare like an hour or so?” I asked as the same Lamlian beckoned towards me.

“I’m sorry Captain, but we should not delay. It didn’t seem like my wife was in any danger, but I’d rather not risk a delay.”

“Yeah yeah.” I sighed and shook my head at the Lamlian woman sadly.

Once-dense crowds of snake-people dispersed entirely as we approached our destination. Something didn’t seem right about that.

“Be on your guard.” I whispered to Hortur who nodded. We soon set our eyes upon Hortur’s mansion. And I do mean mansion. He owned a three story home with a pool on the roof and a garden on the second story balcony. Outside the doorway stood a very familiar face who I hadn’t seen since the first day I was summoned.

Prince Lavizo.

“We meet again, false Hero.” He spoke in that self-assured manner.

“Sup shorty?” I asked, causing him to grind his teeth together.

“Where is my sister?” He asked. “What have you done with her, you cur?”

“Currently she’s up on the space station shopping.” I answered.

“Shopping? You make my sister shop for you?!” He growled. “You have no honor.”

“Actually, she likes doing it.” I shrugged. “Shes good at finding deals too.”

“Of course! The Salyzans are descendants from an ancient merchant house, I’ll have you know! Trading is in our blood!”

“Cool beans man. Listen, just get out of our way so we can get Hortur’s wife and get out of here. The heat’s starting to get to me.”

“No! I’ll see your blood spilled upon these sands Hero.” Lavizo grinned, “Men! Get them!”

Silence greeted him.

“Men?” Hortur and I looked around for any sign of people.

“Captain, look.” Hortur pointed towards the roof of a building. A human in body armor was currently laying against the rim of the roof. Sleeping.

“For all the…Ugh!” Lavizo drew the gun at his hip. “I don’t need them to kill you!” He shouted. Before I could blink, the door behind him opened and a tail of white scales whipped out of the doorway and wrapped around Lavizo’s wrist. With a quick yank, the gun went flying out of his hand.

“Did I just hear you threaten my husband and his friend?” A cold, hostile voice spoke from inside the house that sent chills down my spine. A blond haired beauty slowly emerged from the house with predatory eyes and a malicious smile. “Well Lavizo?” she asked as she lifted him up by his arm with her tail and spun him around to face her.

“I…I’m sorry!” He cried out. “Forgive me Jiirl!” his eyes widened in horror as if he were remembering a nightmare. In an instant, the darkness left the snake-woman’s face. She then let go of the prince, sending him falling down to the sand below.

“This isn’t over!” he cried out as he ran off down the street.

“Well, that was exciting.” She smiled. “A shame he didn’t drink the wine, all of this unpleasantness could have been avoided. But where are my manners?” She looked at me and bowed. “I am Jiirl Klaas. Wife of Hortur Klaas.”

“I’m Chet. Chet Rosenfield.” I held out my hand which she gently shook.

“Thank you for watching after my husband, Chet. He can be quite a handful.” I shrugged,

“Hes a good man Mrs. Klaas, you’re lucky to have him.” I responded politely.

“Please, call me Jiirl.” She smiled. “And as for my husband…” Like a rubber band, she shot forward and embraced him giggling like a school girl. The two embraced like long lost lovers meeting for the first time in ages. I’ll admit, I was a little envious.

“So, where exactly are we going Hortur? You were quite evasive on the communicator.”

“Far away my love, far away.” Hortur answered.

“Well no need to worry. I’ve packed and am ready to go!” Her tail wagged in the sand, “Oh we haven’t been on a trip since our honeymoon! Chet, be a dear and get our bags, would you? They’re just inside the house on the sofa.”

“Of course.” I nodded and walked into the home with Aya laughing at me in my head for being a glorified pack-mule.

Forty minutes later, we had returned to the ship. The cargo bay was stocked with boxes and boxes of different stuff.

“I got everything I could think of!” Egyle proudly spoke when she caught sight of us coming up the ramp. “From meats to vegetables, wines and even a Glasgax!” she beamed as she lifted up something that was looked like the bastard child of a centipede and a sheep. “I call him Gribbles!”

Perhaps I had given her too much money.

That night we had dined on succulent meats, juicy vegetables, and drank the absolutely astonishing Surish Bush wine that Hortur, Jiirl, and Egyle had all raved about. It was a cold drink all the way down that left an aftertaste of mint. Over dinner, more in-depth introductions were made, stories exchanged, and Jiirl accepted that we were bringing her to a different world to be safe from the Kingdom. She said, ‘just so long as I can be with my husband I’ll be happy.’ What a nice wife. If only Avon could be so sweet.

After dinner, we had all gone to bed. Or at least, we would have, were it not for the loud banging coming from Hortur’s room. And when I say loud, I mean loud. As I lay in my bed, I could have sworn they were having a fist fight instead of bumping uglies. There was no way I was getting any sleep from the sounds of the battle going on across the hall.

‘He did say that female Lamlians are known to break bones…’ Aya reminded me.

‘Not fair.’ I grumbled as I collected my bed sheet and left my room. At first I headed towards the bridge, but the sound was still reaching my ears no matter how close I got to the controls. I then decided to take one out of Egyle’s playbook and head into the cargo bay. All the way in the back in her usual spot was a very tired-looking princess.

“Can’t sleep?” I laughed as I headed to the other side of the rear of the cargo bay.

“I see you couldn’t either Captain.” She laughed. “And you were across the hall. Try being right next door.”

“No thank you.” I spoke as I leaned back against the wall. The comforting sounds of the engines drowned out the noise of Hortur and Jiirl’s world championship wrestling match. “You know this isn’t so bad.” I spoke as I closed my eyes.

“See? Its comforting in a way.” Egyle spoke happily. “Well, good night Captain.”

“Night Egyle.” I yawned and felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

Minutes passed in silence as Egyle looked over towards Chet. “Captain? You awake?” She asked, only to receive no response. Her heart pounded as she considered being bold. He wouldn’t mind, would he? Her mind raced as she stood up with her sheet. Bare feet plodded across the cold metal floor as she headed over to Chet’s side of the bay. As silently as she could, she sat next to him. Her heart beat like a Hikxalean Menil Drum squad as she leaned against him. “Thank you Captain, for everything.” She whispered as her eyes grew heavy.