Chapter 30: Colonization is the Pits

The 'large packs of small creepy monsters' thing happened three more times in the span of a mile. Master Hethok casually defeated the first two groups, but his flames were noticeably weaker each time. When the third group attacked he was only able to torch half of them. Annette, who had been faster about invoking Melos's name, prayed to her god in order to reinforce everyone's weapons and we dealt with the remainder easily enough.

Murray seemed more and more distracted as each group was handled and took to flapping along beside me while muttering to himself.

{Murray.}

"Huh? What, boss?"

{Something's bothering you. What is it?}

{no problem all is happy}

{Murray.}

"What, boss?"

{It's hard to hide things in Dog and you're not very good at it.}

"Bah."

{Tell me what's bothering you.}

He glared at me. "Dat's cheatin', boss. Ya can't go jes orderin' me around like dat when ya know I'm contracted."

I panted happily at him.

He sighed. "Dere's no reason why Lord Gliv woulda sent all dis puny little crap wid his forces."

"I was wondering about that," Master Hethok said. "It did seem odd. They're more chaff than any real threat, but I was assuming they were there for exactly the purpose we've seen: To use up resources from the defenders. It will be some time before my powers return to full strength."

Corporal Belker coughed. "In that case, maybe you shouldn't be such an Attunement hog?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Seriously, leave the small fry to us. Let's save you for the big scythe monsters and shit."

"Malazaheen," Annette said.

"Good health," Corporal Belker said, which was the Realms equivalent of 'Gesundheit'.

"That's what the scythe monsters are called."

"What, 'scythe monster' wasn't clear?"

"Corporal, we're getting distracted," Sergeant Carpenter said impatiently. "Murray, talk to us about the small demons. What's going on there?"

The imp hesitated.

{Answer him.}

He growled at me.

"Fine, wadevah. I t'ink one of da hazdahem set up a spawning pit. Prolly a small one, but it'll grow."

My stomach suddenly sank. "What's a spawning pit?"

"It's where imps and demons and stuff come from. As long as dere's a pit around, it keeps spittin' out little baby shit like ya been seein'. Dose t'ings will grow up inta bigger demons ovah time, and da longah da pit is around da strongah it'll get. Da strongah da pit is, da strongah da t'ings dat come out of it."

"Well, that doesn't sound good," Annette said. "How do we destroy this thing?"

"Ya'd have ta find it foist. It won't be out in da open, it'll be somewheres safe an' protected."

"Never mind destroying it," Aerith said, frowning. "What will the effects be of having such a thing in the city?"

"Eh. Mebbe focus on findin' and destroyin' it?"

"Imp, please do not attempt to dissemble or distract," Master Hethok said. "You are ill-practiced at it compared to the demons I have negotiated with in the past."

"I dunno what ya mean. Findin' it and destroyin' it sound like da important pahts ta me if ya worried about not havin' piddly little shit all ovah da place dat'll grow up ta be not so piddly. Right now ya average civvy coulda killed one ah dose babies. Give 'em a couple ah weeks to feed and dey'll toin inta somethin' fast an' tough enough dat ya'd need a trained and well-armed warrior ta do it and dey woulda gotten smaht enough ta run from trained and well-armed warriors. Dey'd be hard ta get rid of, so ya'd need ta get used ta dem hangin' around eatin' people."

"Obviously," Master Hethok said. "Now, answer the question: What would be the effect of an Infernal spawning pit on the city?"

"Look—"

{Murray.}

The imp sighed. "Look, dis ain't my field, okay? I can't say fah shooa."

"Take your best guess," I said.

He grunted in frustration. "I t'ink it would start toinin' da city inta annudah chunk ah Hell. Absorb ya completely, not dis half-assed t'ing ya got goin' on now. An' once it was convoited enough, da strongah demons could staht movin' around widdout much trouble. Right now it's hahd fah us to be heah. Da big guys, dey wouldn't be able tah jes wandah in. Dey'd have ta be summoned, have one ah da residents spend mana ta create a shell for dem and derefore grant permission for dem ta be heah. Eventually, Lord Gliv or one ah da guys like dat could take da place ovah."

No one said anything as we all digested that.

"Go back to how we would destroy one of these pits," Sergeant Carpenter said.

"Eh. Jes take da clients outta it. It'll collapse."

"Clients?" I asked.

"He means the tormented souls," Annette said. "Right, imp?"

"Dat's a prejudicial toim. We call dem clients. Da hospitality woikahs are dere ta provide fah dem."

Aerith snorted. "They are souls, they are being tormented. Call a spade a spade."

"Look, meatbag—"

"What's he talking about, Murray?" I asked.

Murray glowered. "Bigotted meatbags like him try ta make us Infernals look bad by sayin' we is torturin' people an' we're evil an' stuff. Da hospitality woikahs are jes doin' dere jobs."

"What exactly are their jobs? What do they do on a daily basis?"

"Dey fulfill da clients' needs. Provide dem wid what dey is lookin' for."

"That sounds nice," I said. "So they would bring me bacon and give pets?"

"Uh, well...not e'zactly. I don't t'ink you'd end up in our hospitality division, boss."

My ears drooped. "Aww."

Sergeant Carpenter laughed bitterly. "That's a compliment, Athos. He's saying that you're a good person. Good people don't end up in Hell."

"Eh," Murray said, waffling one hand. "Good and bad is kinda...fluid. Da definitions change ovah time, and it's all about degrees, right? Nobody is all good, nobody is all bad. We gots some clients dat you might be surprised at. I mean, shooa, we gots plenty ah da ones yah'd expect. Morimazu, Gail Berman, people like dat. I was more t'inkin' about how we don't gots no dogs. Dey nevah come ta us."

A balor jumped from the building we were passing, screaming a war cry on the way down. Ten feet above us it landed on the edge of a glowing white wall and snapped in half.

"Really?" Aerith said, stepping aside so as not to be under the body when it hit the ground. "You've never gotten a single dog?"

"Not dat I've evah seen. Den again, I nevah traveled dat much and Hell is a big place. Maybe dey all go ta some uddah part."

"This sounds like something Commander Selb needs to know about," Sergeant Carpenter said. "We need to find that thing."

"I find myself curious as to why one has not been set up before," Master Hethok said. "Surely it would have been in the best interest of Hell to colonize us?"

"You is doin' a fine job all on ya own," Murray said. "Shooa, settin' up a pit would let us take da place ovah, but it's prolly bettah like it is. Dere's plenty ah mortals here lookin' ta do deals and so we gets access ta da area. If dah place gets convoited inta more Hell den we're locked outta trade wid da rest of dis Realm. It's like I said: We can't jes go wherevah we like, we gotta be invited. Small fry like me, it's easiah ta slip t'rough da barriahs, but even I can't jes wandah freely. I need a contract ta let me exist heah long toim. Permission from one ah da mortals dat lives heah."

"I'm confused," I said. "It's better if Hellsport is still run by mortals, so why would one of the hazdahem set up a pit to make it not run by mortals?"

"It's better for Hell as a whole to keep Hellsport a mortal city but a military commander would prefer to be able to bring in his larger troops more easily," Sergeant Carpenter said.

"Said differently, demons are selfish and the hazadahem is thinking about its own short-term needs," Aerith said with a snort.

"Hey! Be nice! Murray, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it."

"Nah, it's a fair cop," Murray said, replying to his own translation of my words. "At least from a mortal's perspective. Hell puts a big premium on brains, so we get points fah bein' smahtah den uddah demons. Keeps everyone on dere toes but it does make us look bad ta da mortals who t'ink we is jes backstabbin' each uddah fah no reason."

"You're backstabbing each other because that's what you are," Aerith said. "All of you. Betrayers, liars, and torturers. It's in your nature."

Aerith was not a nice man.

"Not shooa I'd go t'rowin' stones dere, meatsack. You humans ain't such great shakes on da love and kindness and hangin' tageddah t'ing. Wasn't you da one tryin' ta farm Attunement offa da boss heah?" He jerked a tiny thumb towards me.

Oh, hey! That reminded me. I pulled up my character sheet and saw that yes, I now had more than enough Attunement to buy Enhanced Rapid Recovery, so I did. I checked the description again.

Enhanced Rapid Recovery Rank: Advanced Duration: Instant Range: Contact Cost: 150 mana Max Level: 10

Target recovers (Level x N) + 1d20 HP immediately. N is their Recovery, including any currently-active buffs that enhance hit point regeneration.

This Skill may be used up to ceiling(Level / 2) times per day.

EDIT: Athos, as one of the two living embodiments of Dyadic Unity, your Spirit and Physique are one. We previously mentioned how this complicates the normal Transference mechanisms and that we were going to special-case your instance to handle it. When you use this Skill the recipient will receive the benefit to, in preference order: HP, curing physical status effects, Physique, MP, curing spiritual status effects, Spirit, HP overcharge.

If you target yourself with this Skill you will receive the benefit to, in preference order: HP, curing physical status effects, Essence, MP, HP overcharge. Overcharged HP drain away quickly. The maximum number of temporary hit points you may have at any time is 25% of your normal maximum HP.

Overcharged HP drain away quickly. The maximum number of temporary hit points one may have at any time is 25% of your normal maximum HP.

I was still down some hit points from my fight in the grocery store; Sergeant Carpenter had replaced the Spirit that I had given him but since my visible wounds had closed when I shrank he didn't realize that I was still injured. I hadn't mentioned it because Spirit injections were an inefficient way to heal and I figured I'd wait for my natural regeneration to take care of some of it. This seemed like a good opportunity to test my new ability, so I went ahead and pushed the button.

Skill 'Enhanced Rapid Recovery' has amplified and sped up your life processes! You recover the equivalent of 130 HP!

A warm tingly feeling washed over me from nose to tail, making me shiver like when I came in from walkies in the snow and the toasty warm house greeted me. My hit points surged upwards and Skillup messages flew by as the Skill went from level one to level four all in one go.

That was very cool. I wasn't completely back to full so I pushed the button again.

Skill 'Enhanced Rapid Recovery' has amplified and sped up your life processes! You recover the equivalent of 507 HP! 80 hit points recovered. HP at max. No physical status effects in play. Physique at max. 300 mana recovered. MP at max. No spiritual status effects in play. Spirit at max. Remaining healing allocated to temporary hit points. 127 temporary hit points gained.

"Oh, neat." I dismissed the skillup telling me that I had jumped from level four to level ten, and also that 97 Attunement had appeared in my General Fund.

"What?" Sergeant Carpenter asked.

"I just bought Enhanced Rapid Recovery and I used it to heal myself, but—"

"You used it already?" Aerith said. "For heaven's sake, dog! It's an expensive Skill! You should have saved it for—"

"Excuse me," Sergeant Carpenter said. "I believe Athos was speaking."

"Um, yes. Sorry. Well, the first time I used it, it didn't get me all the way back to full so I used it again. That healed me up and replaced all my mana and I got some temporary hit points and also some Attunement. So, yes. Neat!"

Aerith looked at me for a moment. "Wait...it recovered your mana?"

"Yes?"

"...What are you?"

I shrugged. "A dog?"

"It doesn't recover mana. It's right there in the name: Recovery. Not Restoration. It's a physical healing Skill."

"Um...I guess I'm just lucky."

"That's not how luck works, dog. Skills do one thing and only one thing and they are the same for everyone. Why is this one working differently for you?"

Oops. I tried to think how to answer this without mentioning Supreme Exemplar, Dyadic Unity, Epic Skills, or anything like that.

"I'm Patched?" I said hopefully. "My home world doesn't have any magic, so maybe that's it?" Aerith was staring narrow-eyed at me. I couldn't help but hunch a little and look away. Fortunately, before he could say anything there was a howl from in front of us.

Never in my life would I have imagined being so glad to be attacked by a half-dozen giant balor demons.