“...Oh.”

I shrug and smile weakly. “All in a day’s work, you know?”

“Are you…?” Ok? Hardly.

“I don’t know the answer to that.” No, I do: I’m not.

The concern in Lauren’s eyes hurts to see. I’m not ok, but I also don’t know what’s wrong exactly… so there really isn’t a point to talking about it. I’m… aware of all the stuff I did. It was me, after all, at the wheel… just a version of me that was broken. That is broken. I can feel it inside me, complete with its cold, uncaring mindset. It was always there, lurking in the shadows, growing in power every time shit went wrong… and the torture just finally pushed me over the edge. It was much easier to just not care. I can’t even describe how freeing it was.

...Or how horrifying.

Some part of my thoughts must have made it onto my face because both the stoic Cerberus and Lauren are staring at me, and seem to have been for some time. “What?”

“You drifted off. Eyes all vacant and shit. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Yeah… sorry.”

“Talk.”

“I…” What, tell her I killed mercilessly and enjoyed it? Tell Thetzeke I stole his mom’s soul? That I’m only alive because my smoke addled brains pushed me to cough out the right words before I passed out? I already told her the gist of what happened and why… but I left out a lot of parts. The things that haunt me aren’t those, they’re what I... “-can’t.” I’m too weak. My mind feels raw, like I scrubbed it with a wire brush and bleach, and I’m barely holding it together. My Energy is barely working as well… still flowing around like tar.

I tried burning it earlier, and… I didn’t feel much change. My Energy barely decreased, but also it didn’t speed me up or make my body stronger. I tried flicking a leaf, and my finger completely destroyed the fragile plant, sending fragments scattering at a high velocity.

I tried it with a small rock, and not only did the rock make it a quarter of the way through a tree, but my fingernail exploded. I’m not doing that anymore. I felt the thing in me squirm in delight when that happened, immediately offering solace in the form of the painless oblivion from before.

I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. Me, yeah, but it seems alive and seperate. At the same time, it’s not like the ‘other’ contamination either. That felt like being attacked from the inside, with the fear being that I’d lose to a foreign influence. This is similar, but without the foreign part, and instead of being attacked I’m just being interfered with.

It doesn’t want to kill me. I don’t sense hostility at all, just a desire to be in control. After that brief time at the wheel, that side of me is more real than before, and it wants to increase that.

I checked inside my soul space, finding the forest still standing, but this time with one of the mega trees as well. I spent some time wandering with Kaythe… feeling excessively guilty despite his repeated attempts to wave off my liability. We encountered the increasingly small and faded Salamander, and quickly killed it again. Sooner or later it would stop coming back. I found Lethin near the tree, relaxing at its base.

She had little to say aside from repeating her warning, claiming she had more than enough presence to follow through if needed. I believed her.

The whole time we walked, however, I felt watched. Something unseen that continually followed wherever we went. Sometimes I would hear the faintest, discordant notes on the wind… but it never showed itself. Challenges did nothing. It is there, but clearly intent on hiding until I’m vulnerable again.

Heaving a sigh, I try to stand for the hundredth time and finally make it up to a wobbly standing position. “Alright! I think we can go-” Something taps me from behind and I immediately fall forward.

“You cannot fight. Not as you are. Stay, rest. You will heal.”

“There is no injury. He is healthy.”

“Perhaps in body.”

Furious, I pull at the leaves and sticks around me, destroying them with my grip but also filling my hands with splinters.

“Fucking damnit! Work with me!”

“Cerberus is right, we can’t leave until you’re-”

“Not you! M-... nevermind.”

The day passes us by, with the others obviously keeping an eye on me. It frustrates me to no end, but mostly because I know I need it. I pass the time brewing potions, taking out my frustration through creative alchemy. Thetzeke obliges my requests for reagents and returns with all manner of things to grind up and stew. Less fortunate is the fact that many of the things he brings are not plants, but instead terrifyingly large insects.

A spider that used whole, does nothing, but if only the abdomen is harvested and brewed using a careful technique that lets air out but none in, creates a potion that reacts with air and rapidly solidifies to be hard as a rock.

A worm that rapidly turns any liquid it’s immersed in into an incredibly slippery, fire retardant goop.

He returns with a gelatinous ball which he immediately tells me to avoid dropping or spilling as it will burst into flames if it contacts air or with sufficient shaking. Lauren happily takes it from me while Thetzeke kindly draws what the plant looks like and notes that it usually lives in harmony with the worm that turns water into slime. The slime keeps the plant from immolating itself while the plant retains stagnant water for the worm to survive and provides some nutrients. The plant itself looks like a massive orchid, but the petals come together to form a sort of basin with the pollen replaced instead with the heavy sacs of nitroglycerin adjacent chemical. I wonder how many fires these things start…

After creating a few webbing potions and one fire resistance potion, I replace the Healing, Mana, and Energy potions that were lost in the fight with the elders. Thetzeke quietly watches, occasionally making notes on a tablet.

“Still recording things?”

“It is a habit.”

“Isn’t it pointless now?”

“Those that made the archive were wrong. The archive was not wrong. It will be replaced, as much as possible.”

“Your people would kill you if they found you.”

“Yes.”

“You would still serve them?”

“Of course. This circumstance is only a slight departure from my prior status.”

I frown, but make no further comment. I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t do the same.

“Do you know where to find Deepwood Moss?”

“Yes.”

“Will you guide us there?”

“My mother wished for me to assist you, so I will. I would not survive alone for long. It is in my best interest.”

“Really? I mean, I welcome the help and all, but you seem to have things in hand out here.”

“The system would not tolerate it.”

He refuses to elaborate further beyond saying “Proximity to contestants prevents system phenomenon with higher frequency.” More cryptic bullshit to add to the list of things I fear.

“We will move when you are well. For now, rest.”

I do my best to listen, but the sticky feeling of my Energy bothers me like a wound. It hurts to mess with, but I can’t stop. I’d gotten so used to it being entirely at my command, growing more so with every passing day… to have it all disappear at once hurts more than I care to admit. I desperately want it back, but the shadow in my soul only mocks me and continues to move unseen.