17th February

This is likely to be the last entry in this journal. The traps laid out are closing around me, and there’s little more I can do to avoid them. I have few options remaining to me, aside from some unsavory paths I will not go down, not for any reason. So I will put down here my final thoughts and words of advice to you, my dearest Caitlyn.

How I wish things didn’t have to be this way. I wish I had more time. Time to be with you, and prepare you for what’s to come. Time to teach you, get to know you, laugh with you, all the things a proper parent should do with their child.

Instead, I must prepare the way for you, and will do so with all my skill.

I just re-read what I wrote. Your mother would have said that I sound like a bad melodrama. Best to move on to the actual details.

I’ve finished my work with the house’s spirit…the Caretaker, as your mother called him…readying him to be your tutor and guide. You may trust him without reservation, as he is literally incapable of betraying you in any way. He will guide you in all the ways I cannot.

I have fortified the house’s defenses, and they were already formidable indeed. From this day forward, no one - aside from myself, of course - will be able to enter the house or grounds without your explicit permission. Through Margrave - whom you will have met by the time you read this, and whom you may also trust for different reasons - I have been able to obtain samples of your blood and hair from your doctor, allowing me to teach the house to recognize you ahead of your arrival. If I understand things correctly, this should ease its acceptance of you as its new Guardian.

And I have gone to great lengths to restock the laboratory. In fact, I suspect I may have gone too far in doing so…you may find things there that you will have no need of for many years to come. But it’s better to have something and not need it, than need something and not have it.

I have instructed the Caretaker to see to it that you find your mother’s collar and Sparkle’s ring. To be honest, it surprises me how much I have missed that charming little creature…I rather wish I hadn’t sent her away, but her presence, with how devastated she was after your mother’s death, was a burden I could not deal with at the time. This was better for her…she undoubtedly lost track of time in a day or three, was distracted, and forgot for a while.

Part of me wishes I'd been able to do the same.

Your mother’s collar contains a few helpful secrets that not even the Caretaker knows about, and though Sparkle does she was sworn to silence about them by your mother…and nothing will make her break that vow. When you’re ready, or when you need it, you’ll learn what it hides. Until then - and after - never take it off.

I know it will be difficult, but I would advise you to remain within the confines of the house until your magical education has reached a point where the Caretaker is satisfied that you can defend yourself adequately. The house will see to all your needs until then. If you must go out - and I do understand why you might need a breath of fresh air - stay within the borders of the town. In the house, you are completely safe…in the town, reasonably safe. But there are people and beings out in the world who would - and will - seek to do you harm.

In particular, I must warn you against a man named Bellinus von Einhardt. I have no physical evidence, but I am completely certain that he played some part in your mother’s death. He will undoubtedly seek you out, and may even claim that encountering you was purely accidental. Be extremely cautious of him if you meet him, and do not invite him into the house under any circumstances.

Also, be extremely cautious of the Sidhe, of whom the Caretaker will teach you. Aside from their representatives at the law firm of Summers and Winters, you cannot entirely trust them. They are long-standing masters of trickery and deception, and while they may not intentionally mean you harm - in fact, they may in time be good allies to foster - their comprehension of the frailty of humans is often limited at best. And they, like von Einhardt, will likely seek you out when they realize the house has a Guardian again.

In the past, Guardians of the house have dealt with the Sidhe for a variety of reasons. I will not say do not treat with them…as I said, they may be useful allies for you in the future. But always do so with the greatest of caution.

One last thing: I have prepared and set aside several lengths of wood that I feel may suit you well when you prepare your first staff. Most of them are woods your mother loved and resonated with, magically speaking. It is my hope they will be as good for you. The Caretaker knows where to find them. It is a small thing, to be sure, and something you undoubtedly could do for yourself…but I wanted to do something for you with my own hands.

Silly, isn’t it? After everything I’ve done, to feel I still needed to do more. But I suppose that’s natural.

I hope you can forgive me the fears that caused me to send you away, and understand why I had to do it. I did not want you to grow up trapped in this house, the way your mother did. You are an adult now, and I hope better prepared than a child to handle these stresses.

Never doubt that your mother and I love you. You are the most important thing in the world to us.

Be safe.

Be happy.

I pushed the journal away and sat back in the chair, accepting the handkerchief that Ken was holding out to me. I wiped my eyes and cheeks with it. “Thank you,” I said softly. “Do I want to know where you carry a handkerchief?”

Ken smiled faintly. “There’s several of them in a very neat and tidy stack on one of the shelves behind you. Your father kept them there.”

“He used them a lot after Mistress Chessie left, before he sent me away,” Sparkle said. She had flitted from my shoulder to the desk as I’d read, and now stood looking up at me sadly.

It was such a perfectly mundane explanation that for a moment it actually seemed out of place in my increasingly odd new reality. I was going to have to knit all of this together in my mind somehow, before it made me crack.

With a sigh, I swiveled around in the chair to look up at the portrait of my mother, and made a mental note to tuck the photo of my father into one corner of it. “I wish you were here,” I said softly to it. “There’s so much I don’t understand, it’s really beginning to scare me. I wish you could’ve been here to help me with it.”

Sparkle landed on the arm of the chair and looked up at the painting too. “Me too.”

I looked down at her and smiled. “Thank you.”

She gave me a bewildered look. “You’re…welcome? For what?”

I shook my head. “Never mind. My father wrote something about some secrets regarding my mother’s choker…” I refused to call it a collar. That just felt too weird, somehow.

Sparkle bounced on her toes and beamed up at me. “Yup!”

Ken drifted over and exchanged an amused look with me. “Can you tell us about it, Sparkle?”

She folded her arms and shook her head. “Nuh uh.”

“Please, Sparkle?” I asked.

Her firm expression faltered. “I’m…not supposed to, Mistress,” she said, sounding a little uncomfortable. She shifted from foot to foot, fidgeting restlessly. “Mistress Chessie told me not to tell you ‘till it was time.”

I nodded a little. “All right. I can accept that.”

Sparkle relaxed and looked relieved.

“When will it be time?” Ken asked curiously.

Sparkle gave him an uneasy look. “Mistress Chessie said I’d know. It’s not now, though.” She nodded firmly to punctuate the statement.

“Ah,” I said.

“Oh,” Ken said.

We exchanged another look. Ken shrugged helplessly.

I smiled down at Sparkle. “Promise you’ll tell me when it’s time?”

She beamed up at me. “I absolutely, positively promise with certainty, Mistress!”

“Thank you, Sparkle.” I turned back to the desk and stared at my father’s journal again.

“You should probably read the rest of them, Mistress,” Ken said softly. “There will undoubtedly be important or useful information in them, and he may have left other messages for you.”

I nodded. “I will. But not right now.” I looked up at him. “I need time to digest this. It’s all making my head spin a bit.”

Ken’s expression was understanding. “How about taking a stab at those magical aptitude tests I mentioned? They should be good and distracting.”

I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “All right. It does sound kind of fun.”

Ken huffed a small laugh. “You won’t think so by lunchtime. Come on, let’s go to the lab.”

The magical aptitude test turned out to be a bewildering barrage of seemingly unrelated questions and small physical feats.

“Which of these colors do you find the most soothing? Which one do you find the most jarring?”

“How does a bright, sunny day make you feel? What about a gray and rainy day?”

"Hold your right hand out in front of you and make a fist. Now extend your index finger. Close your eyes. Can you touch your right index finger with your left without opening your eyes?"

"Which of these birds would you rather be: A sparrow, an owl, or an eagle?"

"I'm going to use magic to reproduce several sounds. I want you to give me your first impression of how each one makes you feel."

Ken even had me stand on one leg - first one, then the other - to see how long I could stay on each one. Thanks to childhood gymnastics and ballet lessons, and years of keeping myself in good shape since, it was several minutes for each without so much as a wobble. Ken found that amusing, though he wouldn’t explain why.

Sparkle dozed off about fifteen minutes in, curled up on top of a stack of books.

By the time we broke for lunch, I was both exhausted and bewildered. As we walked toward the kitchen together, Sparkle fluttering down the hallway ahead of us (still yawning and stretching), I looked at Ken and said, “Okay, so, you’re going to need to explain that to me. What was that all about?”

“There are several ways of determining what forms of magic you have an affinity for,” Ken said. “This was the least intrusive, and requires the least amount of actual magical proficiency. It’s not the most accurate, but it’s well grounded and gives us a good place to start. Basically, it’s a personality test.”

I nodded, trying to follow. “I rather thought it reminded me of personality tests I studied in the psychology classes I took as an undergrad. So, what did you learn about me?”

Ken smiled. “Well, in this case, I wasn’t looking for personality traits, I was looking for elemental affinities. That is, which elemental magics will be easiest for you to work with, and which will be difficult for you.”

“All right.”

“In your case,” Ken said, “I think you’re going to find Water, Air, and Force particularly easy to work with -”

“Force?” I asked curiously. My brain regurgitated a variety of information about mathematical calculations for force magic in Evocation, but it didn’t clarify things particularly.

Ken nodded. “Elemental classifications for magic are particularly imprecise pieces of terminology. Force magic, which some scholars refer to Will or Spirit magic, amounts to using willpower to manipulate kinetic energy to produce force effects: Telekinesis, shields, kinetic strikes, even the manipulation of raw energy to some extent.”

I’m fairly certain that the look I gave him was one of blank incomprehension.

He laughed softly. “Fear not, Mistress, it’ll make a lot more sense once you start doing it. Magic can be like that…seemingly nonsensical until you’ve actually produced your first spell effect for a type of magic or element.”

I sighed a little. “All right.”

“Anyway,” he resumed, “Water, Air and Force will be your best domains. They’re actually quite a bit more useful than they sound, since those domains include a wide variety of healing and defensive magics, as well as several highly energy-efficient combat forms -”

“Charming,” I said dryly.

“You’re going to have to get used to the idea, Mistress,” he said gently. “There are going to be times where you will need to use magic to defend yourself, and that means attacking as well.”

My head was starting to ache a little.

Ken seemed to notice, as always, and very gently said, “You have time to adjust, Mistress. It’s not going to happen this afternoon, tomorrow, or even next month.”

“Okay,” I said quietly.

Sparkle settled on my shoulder. “Mistress Chessie had trouble with combat magic at first too. It’ll work out.”

I gave her a little smile, strangely reassured by both her reassurance and the fact that my mother had had similar difficulties.

“To resume,” Ken said, “you’ll find Earth magic more difficult and taxing, but it would be valuable for you to learn some, and working with Earth magic will help improve your magical stamina. Positive elemental magic will probably be very difficult for you, but it couldn’t hurt to learn some. Fire, Shadow, and Negative elemental magics will likely be almost impossible for you.”

My curiosity was reasserting itself, which I took as a good sign. “Why?”

“Well,” Ken said, “Fire magic is inherently more violent and volatile than most other elements, and requires a specific type of personality to control well and without additional tools. It’s also the opposite of Water magic, which - at least according to this test - you have a natural affinity for, which will make Fire that much more difficult for you to produce and manage.” He smiled. “We’ll leave Fire magic aside until you’ve learned to create tools - foci - to help you control it.”

I supposed that made sense. “All right. So what about positive, negative, and shadow magics?”

Ken sighed. “We’re going to tread on theological ground for a moment. How’s your faith in God?”

I gave him a weird look. It was a weird question. Then I shrugged. “I grew up in a Catholic orphanage. Personally, I have no particular use for religion. If you can’t take care of yourself, praying for help isn’t going to accomplish anything.”

Ken nodded a little and gave me a penetrating look. “You prayed for someone to take you away from it.”

I stopped walking, and Ken drifted to a halt as he turned to look at me.

“I prayed,” I said quietly. “I prayed for my parents to come for me. Or for a nice couple to adopt me. Or even just for the system to give a damn about me, by the time I was fourteen. God never did anything for me, as far as I’m concerned.”

I heard the bitterness in my own voice and cut myself off, took a deep breath and let it out. “Sorry. I guess that’s mostly down to the arrangements my father made, isn’t it?” I didn’t yet have a clear picture of why he’d done it, and was still prepared to give him the benefit of doubt. Though I was definitely both angry with him and disappointed by his decisions…but more than either, I was sad. Sad that he'd felt so trapped that the only way he'd been able to see out was to put me somewhere safely out of the way and…and what? Act as a visible lure to help keep attention off of me? Perhaps. It was a puzzle I didn't yet have all of the pieces to.

Ken nodded slowly. “Mostly. And it’s quite all right. Any time you need someone to listen, I’m just a shout away. When you feel ready, we can talk about it at length. Until then, I feel quite safe in saying that both Positive and Negative elemental magics will be quite impossible for you, as they both require a lot of faith in…shall we say higher powers?”

I nodded.

“You won’t miss out on much by not studying those,” Ken said confidently, “as they’re largely just ways for people with more faith in outside forces than in themselves to reproduce elemental effects. Though I would advise you not to try using a Crucifix to hold off a vampire if you encounter one. That requires true faith, which you clearly do not have. Fortunately, elemental magic will work just as well.”

My brain stopped working for a moment. “Vampires are real?”

Ken nodded. “Very much so, and in several varieties. Which reminds me, we’ll need to start your magical bestiary lessons soon…” He sighed. “There’s so much you need to learn…but don’t let it overwhelm you. We’ll take it a piece at a time. Now, where was I…”

My head was starting to spin a little again.

He pursed his lips before resuming his train of thought. “Oh yes. Shadow magic, on the other hand, takes a certain…darkness of spirit that you just don’t have. Which honestly pleases me.”

“Oh,” I said. “So it’s…”

“I wouldn’t say evil,” Ken said thoughtfully. “I don’t believe that magic is inherently good or evil. Magic is a tool like any other…it is simply knowledge, skill, and power. But Shadow magic…let’s just say that as a generalization it has few beneficial uses, and has a long history of being used in unpleasant ways. We'll leave it at that for now.” Something in his tone of voice warned me not to pursue the subject. Either it wasn’t something I was prepared to hear about, or it was something he was uncomfortable discussing.

Sparkle murmured softly in my ear, “Pixies like me can’t use Shadow magics unless they’ve been…corrupted. It’s a good thing that you have no affinity for them.”

If a charming creature like Sparkle felt something was bad, it must be bad. So I let the subject go. “All right. What are we doing after lunch, then?”

Ken beamed enthusiastically. “After lunch, you’re going to try casting your first spell! So eat heartily, because spellcasting burns a lot of calories.”