“Presents?” Allen asked, not really going for humor, just straightforwardness.

Andy laughed full heartedly, “Straight to the point, that’s what I like most about you m’boy. Even in a world filled with souls from hell, you’re still honest.”

Allen smirked. “Call it a form of reverse psychology; nobody expects me to tell the truth.” He said to himself.

“Can you explain the tournament in greater depth?” Christopher asked, “I also want to know what your stake is in all this.”

Allen tapped his foot and glanced over at Amelia standing next to him. His eyebrows knotted a little when he noticed how intently the girl was studying the frozen ogre. Its head was hovering halfway between the ground and the stump of its neck while vile green blood hung in the air where it had spurted out from the stump like a garden hose. Amelia just stared at it blankly like it was some work of art.

“Alrighty then,” Allen said to himself, putting on a smile.

“Ah yes, the tournament,” Andy began. “For you five, it’s partly a test of your strength with the System, which is universal to everyone participating, and partly a trial of your characters. For me though, it’s a test of how well I can fill the shoes of a god.” He paused for a moment, dimming a little as he considered his response. “My job is to guide you through the trials to come; to be there to show you the way, just like any god would do. If I can prove myself worthy, then I will be granted higher authority over my domain and over awoken planes, like the one Earth is in.”

Christopher grunted and looked down. His expression was deeply pensive, most likely indicating that he would be satisfied for a while. “Thank you, that is all,” he said at last.

Allen raised an eyebrow. “I guess Andy’s just more sincere with Christopher. I can’t really complain though.” Allen could spend hours thinking about what kind of cosmic responsibilities Andy had, but that just wasn’t how he operated. He felt no need to delve into matters that didn’t concern him. “Not anymore.”

“Okalie-dokalie, are you kids ready for some presents then!?” Andy prompted, his form glowing brilliantly.

“Yes!”

“Fuck yes!”

“…Sure,” Allen added, trying hard not to sound as obnoxious as Ty or Camila.

Amelia seemed to be quietly anticipating her present while Christopher had zoned out a few moments ago.

“Alright then. So, you all know how it sucks when you get a present but it’s not what you really wanted?” Andy paused as if his question wasn’t entirely rhetorical. “…Well I’m gonna do the cosmic entity equivalent of gifting you all some cash. So, as thanks for agreeing to this little scheme we have going here, you all get one wish.”

“Only one wish? Seems kind of cheap to me, why not three?” Allen asked dryly. It was meant as a joke, but he instantly realized the delivery might have been just a little too dry.

“There are three rules though,” Andy continued, expertly ignoring Allen’s dig. “No wishing for any additional power in the System or in the world, no wishing for any significant alterations to your bodies, your equipment, or the world, and obviously no wishing for more wishes.”

“I wish there were no rules,” Allen replied immediately.

Andy narrowed his eyes at the Assassin. He exhaled deeply before droning out his response. “There are four rules… Now, how about you Ty?”

“Uh, infinite money?” he answered.

“Denied,” Andy replied. “That would break rules one and two in effect.”

“Damn.”

“I’ll come back to you,” the god said with a sigh.

Camila cleared her throat. “So, um… what exactly do you mean by significant body alterations?” she asked somewhat hesitantly.

“Anything that isn’t purely cosmetic,” Andy said, his white glowing eyes crinkled into a devious grin. “So yes, I can make your tits bigger.”

“ANDY YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!” Camila roared. The woman launched herself at the dark figure, but Andy just somersaulted through the air while giggling like a child.

Camila’s face had flushed a bright crimson. Allen had no way to tell if it was from embarrassment or anger, probably both. Instead, he made absolutely sure to show no reaction at all, which was intensely difficult, even with all his training. Even Amelia had grinned a little; Allen hadn’t missed that.

“Fine fine, what do you want then?” Andy chortled, lazily floating above the group.

The Berserker was still seething, but seemed to understand the futility of her outburst, if only for the time being. Ty’s hysterical laughter certainly wasn’t helping to disarm the situation either. Camila hesitated again and looked down. “…Just give me a minute to think about it,” she grumbled.

“Sure, of course. Now, how about you then, young lady?” Andy prompted, turning to face Amelia and floating down to her. “I can give you socks that never get holes in them, I can make it so nobody ever puts pickles on your burgers, or I can even make you irresistible to men.” He leaned in close and smoothly draped an arm around Amelia’s shoulder. “Anything within the rules… So, what will it be miss?” he asked in his humorous yet calming voice.

Amelia was quiet for a moment while she looked back at Andy. The god winked one of his bottomless eyes and the healer smiled back awkwardly. “Um… C-can I just have a picture… of my family please?” she stuttered.

Andy didn’t have a mouth, but Allen figured it would be hanging open if he did. The god sighed and stood up straight again. He, along with the rest of the group, fell silent as they looked over each other.

“That’s a little too pure for me,” Allen admitted. “If I were her, I would have asked him to make me super sexy so I could toy with the hearts of men.”

Andy snapped his fingers and smiled back at the Healer with his eyes. “There you go, it’s in your inventory,” he said.

Allen subtly crept up to Amelia, but she showed no indication that she would take out the picture. She only smiled and nodded back to the god with gratefulness plainly written on her face.

“She’s definitely strange… but I like strange,” Allen thought with a bit of a grin.

Andy cleared his throat and turned to Christopher. “And you?”

Christopher looked up from his wheelchair and grunted affirmatively. “A new spinal cord would be immensely appreciated, but I have a feeling you won’t allow that on the grounds of rule two…” He continued without obvious signs of disappointment when the god nodded in confirmation. “I see. Then I would like you to make the memory bank bound to my soul available to me when, or if, we return to Earth.”

Andy put a hand to his chin. “Huh. That’s an interesting wish,” he began. “Give me a minute to figure out how to even do something like that…” The god spent a few moments looking off into the distance of the time-stopped world, practically frozen himself. “Fucking hell,” he muttered to himself after a while, “There’s gotta be a wiki page somewhere.”

Christopher quirked an eyebrow and frowned. “Are you having trouble?” he asked.

Andy spun around to face the professor again, smiling wryly with his eyes. “No… well yes. This is sort of fun though. It’s like a little challenge,” he began, shrugging. “I think I figured out a way to bullshit the problem though…” Again, the god went perfectly still, except for much longer than before. It was as if someone had paused him in place with the push of a button.

Allen cleared his throat and yawned, awkwardly interrupting the silence. It was likely only around four in the afternoon, but he had definitely been awake for more than twenty-four hours due to Andy’s intervention.

“Ah! There we go!” Andy announced. “Okay, so, I synced the information in your memory bank to a USB thumb drive. I’ll hold on to it until you’re back on Earth, if that ever comes to pass. Converting memories to PDF is a strange and mysterious process, but I think I’ve got it figured out.”

Christopher nodded silently and smiled back at Andy, not even attempting to question the god’s word.

The professor’s wish piqued Allen’s interest in the contents of his memories. He thought for a moment but couldn’t think of any information that was so important that he would store it in raw form. “I don’t think I know of any skills that let you store anything through deaths either, that’s very interesting…” Allen thought.

“That’s really convoluted and strange,” Allen said out loud. “Why don’t you just give him the memories themselves.”

Andy groaned. “Shut up Allen. Ty, you’re next,” he continued, turning to the Defender.

Ty thought about his wish for only a few seconds before blurting it out with perfect confidence. “Make it so I never have to poop!”

“I expected nothing less from you. It is done” Andy replied with a sigh. “Be aware that you’ll have to poop again if you end up back on Earth, which might be pretty jarring and unpleasant.”

Ty didn’t seem to care.

“Camila, have you decided what size you want yet?” Andy asked the Berserker.

“Huh? …Oh, fuck off!” the woman shouted, past the stages of anger by then. “Can I just get, like, ten-thousand gold pieces?” she asked. “That’s not infinite.”

“Sorry, best I can do is five,” Andy retorted.

“Five-thousand?”

“Five.”

“Fuck you Andy!” Camila hissed.

“Five gold. Take it or leave it,” the god continued.

“That’s actually not too bad,” Christopher added quickly. “Five gold can get us all some starting gear along with room and board for a week.”

Camila sighed before shooting Andy a vicious glare. “I’ll take it,” she said through her teeth.

Andy snapped his finger and smiled. “Alright then, make sure to share,” he said.

Camila rolled her eyes as the god turned his attention to Allen. With a theatric twirl of his hand and a little bow, the god urged Allen to make his wish.

“Finally… At least he gave me time to rehearse this,” Allen said to himself. Then he took a deep breathe and made his wish. “I wish to have the knowledge of the exact location of the Wandering Gate at all times.”

The others seemed confused at the request, even Christopher. Their reactions were understandable though, considering the fact that the Wandering Gate barely even existed in legends. Allen only hoped his wish would get past Andy’s rules.

“Hmm,” the god mused. “Sure, that sounds interesting.”

Allen grinned but quickly schooled his expression back to neutral. Apparently, his wish had created a strange mood, prompting the god to continue.

“…Well, I believe that’s everything,” Andy began with a satisfied sigh. “I’ll see you all again in a month for the tournament preliminaries.”

“You’re leaving?” Amelia asked.

“Yes,” the god concurred, black wisps of smoke forming around him again as he lifted a slender finger. “One more second…” he said, then dropped his finger, “…zero.”

Andy disappeared in a cloud of darkness the instant time started moving again. The ogre’s corpse slumped to the ground in a shower of blood as its head rolled away. A calm breeze blew through the camp again and the sun was partly shrouded behind a thin cloud. Allen heard the sounds of fires burning and leaves rustling as he turned the face his group with a casual smile.