“The description says that we can find the seller at the ‘Old Skygull’ ?” Avryl says with a raised eyebrow.

A skygull. Something tells me that it’s a perfectly normal seagull, but it was renamed because there was no sea around. I’m willing to bet money on this.

“That’s an old bar of the upper levels,” a member of Laura’s group says as he looks at his Terminal.

“A fine job, squire! Then please use your divine guidance to show us the path towards this mysterious establishment!” Laura exclaims.

This woman has a way of making following a GPS to find a bar sound like an epic quest that would warrant at least three movies. The power of Yoshiko-speak is frightening; I’m starting to believe that it’s a form of magic on its own.

However, moving around the upper levels is itself quite the adventure. For once, the streets are not very static due to the nature of the place. So the GPS has us moving in seemingly random directions because half of the fucking city decided that it wanted to be vertical. Jumping around a series of unstable platforms that are smaller than my feet while being above a bottomless abyss is also an experience I wouldn’t recommend to anyone. Who thought that this place was a good idea?

Was dimensional stability seen as beneath the wealthy elite of the time? Now that I think about it, it sounds dumb enough to be true. Nevertheless, seeing Sword bounce like a frog on platforms the size of his pinky finger is a sight to see. I never thought the hulking giant could be so agile. The elves with their bulky and impractical power armor were not so gracious. Furthermore, having all the Knights scream their lungs out every time we crossed a sidewalk got old very quickly.

As if it wasn’t enough, the journey lasted thirty minutes. Thirty fucking minutes of almost constant, high-pitched incoherent screaming. I don’t know exactly when it started, but the idea of yeeting myself into the oblivion beneath my feet became more appealing the more time passed.

Even the few locals that crossed our path looked at me with something resembling sympathy.

Then we arrived at a crossroads. The Old Skygull was within our grasp, but there was a slight issue. The entire street was upside-down and directly above our heads. Walking onto a sudden vertical surface and having my feet stick to it like glue while my perspective suddenly changes was dizzying, to say the least.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, the elves screamed when they followed us. Even Sword was starting to look visibly annoyed at the constant— The constant fucking screaming! Why do I even hear them? I made the air around me almost unable to vibrate, how is the sound still reaching my ears?!

“SHUT UP!” I snap at the elves. “If you keep screaming I swear upon any god you believe in that I’m going to throw you off the fucking railing!”

Having railings was a welcome addition, but they are not that useful since we are technically upside-down.

My intervention shut them up. Finally, I can enjoy the—

“WHAT DID YOU SAY? AAAAAAAHHH!” one of the elves points at a wriggling cloud before screaming again. It causes a chain reaction, and all the other elves start screaming while waving their arms around.

“Can I shoot them?” I ask Yoshiko. “Please. I will even pay you to look the other way.”

“What were you saying?” she asks with a raised eyebrow, “I used a quick spell to shut out the pleads of the lost souls haunting this place.”

She had a sound-canceling spell the whole time! I clench my fist and force a smile. ”Then, could you share this boon with your humble partner? The sound is starting to affect my reason.”

“Of course!” Yoshiko nods and waves her hand.

I let out a sigh. Silence never sounded so beautiful. I close my eyes and take a deep breath; this is probably the best day of my life and—

“We arrived,” Yoshiko says as the incoherent elven screaming symphony reaches my traumatized ears again.

The elves suddenly calmed down. I ignore the long-eared banshees and take a glance at the building. The Old Skygull has seen better days; it’s a rather small wooden building with a red roof that looks like it’s ready to crumble. The doors of the entrance are rust-covered steel panels similar to what would be usually found in a submarine.

Yoshiko pushes the doors open; the creaking doors were so loud that we probably annoyed the entire neighborhood. The interior of the bar is somehow damp and smells of seawater. There’s barely any lighting other than the dirty light-bulb-like constructs swaying on the ceiling. The eerie dark green glow they emit gives a unique atmosphere to the bar.

The bartender, a pale and gruff bear-like creature wearing a— I blink a couple of times to make sure that my eyes aren’t deceiving me. The bear bartender— A beartender? Is wearing a sailor uniform from the 1940s. The few tables look like those giant wooden wheels that were used to steer sailing ships, and the chairs are re-purposed wooden barrels. The few patrons are quite a sight. And not in a good way. More in an ‘Oh god oh fuck I need to get out or I’m going to get shot’ kind of way. Each of them looks like they were lifted from a pirate movie.

The patrons are all looking at us, or at least those with eyes are looking in our direction. I can’t tell for those weirder creatures I can’t identify. Even looking at them makes me very uncomfortable. The staring contest doesn’t last too long, and they all focus back on whatever they were drinking.

“Where’s the guy?” I ask Avryl as I keep an eye on the most suspicious patrons. And by that, I mean all of them.

“No idea,” the Artificer mumbles as she also eyes the interior of the dimly lit bar. I notice that her fingers are tapping on her Death Ray, but this is Avryl we are talking about. She’s probably scheming to cause a ruckus and being ‘forced’ to shoot everyone while laughing like a mad scientist.

We need to find this mysterious vendor and get out of this place. Now how are we supposed to—

“Pray tell, humble sailors! I hath a request, so listen carefully!” Laura shouts as she puts her hands on her hips and looks at the ceiling by slightly tilting her head up. I follow her gaze, but there is nothing where she’s looking at. I should have seen it coming.

“Our knightly order and its assigned peasantry are seeking the proprietor of a derelict vessel capable of sailing the heavens above our heads.” The elven woman continues.

Why can’t she speak properly? I know she spoke like a normal, non-insane person for a few moments after our ‘battle’. Do I need to traumatize her again? That doesn’t seem to be efficient, but—

The bartender snorts and growls as he points his paw at a dark corner of the bar.

“Thank you, owner of this fine establishment!” Laura nods and turns towards us. “Our target is located at this corner, but the bartender warned me that our seller might be in a state of inebriation.”

Great, so we have to meet with a drunken magical sailor that will probably throw a fireball at us when we will try to negotiate the price.

We approach the aforementioned corner, and a heavy breath reaches my ears. The smell of cheap alcohol seems to seep from this particular area, even Yoshiko flinches slightly. I was almost expecting MERTICORE to use a MERTCORE.Restore() since standing here for too long will probably get me drunk.

“Sire, are you the owner of the carcass of the flying vessel?” Laura says as she slams her large armored hands onto the table. An empty bottle rolls off, then another one.

Then all hell breaks loose. A stream of empty containers almost sweeps us away as I do my best to stay on my feet. Has this guy opened a spatial storage space?

The stream of bottles comes to an end, and it reveals the supposed owner of that wrecked sky-boat.

I wasn’t expecting whatever is in front of me. It looks like someone took an eel and enlarged it to be the size of an adult man. It also somehow gained long and thin arms. The eel creature, who is wearing a red and white striped shirt— it’s more of a sleeve draped over its body with holes for the head and the arms, barely raises its head.

The creature opens its mouth and a noise that could be described as a mix of a sink emptying and an exaggerated noise of wiggling jelly.

Laura nods and starts to speak in a weird language that sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard. I almost forgot that she was an elf; it must be elvish.

The ‘discussion’, if I can even call it that, continues for a few minutes until the eel-like creature nods. Laura, who is now sobbing for some unknown reason, tries to wipe her tears. However, her armored hand grinds against her helmet and makes her jump in surprise. She immediately puts her hand down and does her best to pretend like she did nothing.

“We are done here,” the leader of the Knights announces as she heads out of the bar; we follow closely.

“What was that all about?” I ask once we are out of the weirdly decorated building.

“It was a sad story,” she says as she takes a deep breath. “This poor soul was once the captain of his own sky-boat. He wanted to get the prized title of Space Marine, a title that was never obtained amongst the community of enthusiast sky-boat owners.”

I blink a couple of times. Are my ears playing a trick on me?

“You see, the title can only be obtained if you somehow go above the atmosphere with a sky-boat, a feat that should be impossible.” Laura continues her explanation.

I get it now; they say Space Marine because… Because they reached space on a boat?

“His trusty vessel failed when he went too high, and his craft fell at incredible speed,” Laura says as she looks at the smoky sky. “But that day was not his lucky day since his path crossed a rogue abandoned flying mansion that was flying by.”

She chokes up as she continues her narration while I’m too dumbfounded to say anything.

“This poor soul grazed the flying white mansion at full speed; he didn’t die but he lost something very precious to him.” Laura takes a deep breath, “He lost his beloved ass-cheeks. They were ripped off his body without him being able to do anything.”

Complete silence. Once again, I blink a few times. I must have heard wrong, right? Everyone looks rather somber, so it must be something serious that I misheard, right?

I nod to myself, that must be it. Or it might be a translation error. It can’t possibly—

“The ass-cheeks are the pride of his people, and he became a pariah. His peers started to call him the ‘Ass-less Chap’, and it weighed down on him. So he swore to never fly on a sky-boat again. I told him about our story, and he agreed to give us the wreck of his vessel on the condition that we return his ass if we ever find it.” Laura says as she takes another deep breath.

It’s my turn to take a deep breath. To recap, we got a wrecked sky-boat from a certain Captain Ass-less Chap who wanted to be a Space Marine. But he had a terrible accident that led him to lose his behind to a rogue white mansion that happened to fly around at the time of his crash. And our holy quest, besides finding Laura’s Breach, is to find a pair of ass-cheeks that belong to a giant alcoholic eel.

Right, that makes sense. I will pack my things nicely, write a letter explaining my actions, and jump off the fucking railing.

This is the bottom of the barrel. We can’t go any lower. I’m not embarking on a grand quest for some— I refuse to even fucking say it. I’m more than convinced that I’m cursed. Why did I think that it couldn’t possibly go any lower? I jinxed myself, and I’m paying it dearly.

Now, to look for a place without railings. I glance around and find the perfect spot. I just have to take a leap of faith, and I’ll be free from this insanity. Just a step and—

“Don’t, I know you must be overcome with sadness, but you have to endure.” Laura grabs my shoulder and shakes her head.

Let me go! I don’t want anything to do with these people any longer. I’ll find a way to use the Gates and teleport back to Earth where I will live a calm and quiet life far away from sky-boats and ass-less eels. Why does this eel even have an ass in the first place? That doesn’t make any god damn sense!

“We have to find this Breach, for the captain. For his memory.” Laura says with a low voice, and the others nod in silence.

What’s with this atmosphere?

I just can’t. I need a drink. No, I need an entire barrel of the strongest alcohol this dimension has to offer.