Jake groaned, trying to catch his breath. Opening his eyes, he looked around, or at least tried to. He couldn’t move, due to him being in a human-shaped crater around two feet deep. Needless to say, he was slightly pissed.

“Fucking gods and their fucking shit. Would it be too much fucking trouble to simply just place me gently wherever they want me? It’s not as if she fucking brought me to this world. Fucking Giggles, if I die from being stuck in a fucking shitty crater from being dropped, I swear to fucking Christ on a cracker, I will tear her intestines out with my teeth and play fucking jump rope with them.” He continued ranting to himself, trying to wiggle out of the crater. After a few minutes and over one hundred fucks said, he was finally able to back on flat ground.

Standing up, he was surprised to find that he wasn’t injured, and after dusting himself off and a few more swear words, he looked around. A blue screen appeared before him.

Welcome to the world of Laeris! The All-Mother Lilith, Goddess of Change, has brought you here to act as her chosen disciple! Learn your limits, grow your strength, and become whatever you want to be]

As he was reading, another quickly replaced it.

Hey Puppet! This is Lilith. Hope you enjoyed your trip! You’re kind of lucky that I don’t get offended that easily. If I was any of the other gods here, you’d already be dead. And in the permanent way too. Probably want to watch that mouth around the younger gods, they get pretty feisty. Anyways, you should be all good to go. Go ahead and think or say ‘Status’ (you should probably think it. Otherwise people will think that you’re crazy). This should, obviously, bring up your status screen. It shows your level, attributes and things like that. But you probably already know this. Can’t wait to see you back here soon! <3 ~Giggles

“… Seriously? Fine. Just for spite… Status!” 

Status Race: Human Name: Jake Roshaven Level: 1 Titles: None Allignment: Chaotic Neutral Health: 100 Stamina: 100 Mana: 250 Attributes Vitality: 10 Strength: 10 Endurance:10 Agility: 10 Dexterity: 10 Intelligence: 20 Wisdom: 20 Achievements First of the Humans Potty Mouth Disciple of Change

 “… What the fuck does [Potty Mouth] mean.” Jake poked the questionable achievement, and a different blue screen appeared, overlapping the old one.

Potty Mouth From the amount of vulgarity spewing out of your mouth, The All Mother Lilith has decided to 'reward' you with this achievement. While speaking, and including vulgarity in the speech, relationships with other beings will be more difficult to increase, while making it easier to cause them anger. Reduces alcohol tolerance by 25%.

Jake stared at the window for a few moments. A chuckle escaped his mouth, escalating to full on laughter within a few seconds. “Alright, alright. I got you, Giggles.” He calms down a little bit, still chuckling occasionally. “So, what else have you given me?”

First of the Humans Congratulations! You are the first Human being to be on planet Laeris! As the only member of your species, you have gained new [Skills] that will help you enhance your bloodline! You’ve unlocked the skill [Tenacious D]. You have unlocked the Skill [Blood for the Blood God]. You have unlocked the Skill [One is the Loneliest Number]. Welcome to Laeris, pal!

“… I feel like I’m going to either really like these skills, or really hate them.” Jake scratches his head. Sighing, he starts patting his thighs looking for his cigarettes, but can’t feel anything. “So, if it’s not on my person, then how about… Inventory!”

Another screen appeared before him, this time in a 15x15 grid format. Most of the cells in the screen were empty, but a few of them were filled with different images. He browsed through, and poked at what he wanted.

Bum’s Best Friend Even if you are hated by the entire world, there will always be someone who wants to bum a smoke, and you’ve got infinite. Good for you. Increases Mana Regeneration by 200% while smoking (133% while in combat). Decreases Stress by 33% per cigarette. Decreases maximum Stamina by 1% per cigarette (lasts 3 hours). [Bum’s Best Friend] regenerates one cigarette every thirty minutes (maximum carrying capacity-10). Soulbound. Indestructible.

It was a small metal case, completely black. Jake opened it, and he couldn’t help but sigh. The cigarettes were pristine, hand-made instead of the factory made he was forced to buy back on Earth. He gently picked one up and held it up to his nose, sniffing. A grin split his face when the earthy aroma of fresh tobacco hit his nostrils. He placed it into his mouth and looked for a lighter in his inventory, but there was none.

“Hmm… Lilith did say that magic is based off of imagination…” He looked at his right hand, and snapped his fingers with his thumb pointing up, imagining a small flame appearing at the top. A deep purple flame appeared over his thumb, with a center of pitch black. He unclenched his hand, imagining the flame disappearing. It did, and he repeated the process a few times. A new window appeared.

New Spell Created: Fire Starter In a land of high fantasy, where magic is as simple as imagining things happening, the first spell you create is a lighter. You either have your priorities right, or you are simply not that bright. Mana Use: 1 Mana per Second (m/s)

He grins at the sarcastic screen. He snapped his fingers and held the flame up to his cigarette, and slowly inhaled. Exhaling, he couldn’t help but let out a light groan. It was perfect. The feeling of nicotine rushing through his body was far more pronounced here than back on Earth. He did not know if that was due to the high quality of the cigarette, or something else. But he truthfully did not care. He smoked in silence for a few minutes, a blissful look on his face. After he finished his first cigarette, he grabbed another and got back to looking at his achievements.

Disciple of Change As the All-Mother’s only living disciple, you gain a portion of her strength and abilities. You gain +10 to Intelligence and Wisdom. Each level increases Intelligence and Wisdom by +2. Increases Magic Proficiencies for Dark, Fire and Air to 50% (Master Level). Increases skill progression by 50% while following orders. Allows you to respawn 24 hours after death at the last safe sleeping area. If previous sleeping area is not safe, you will be sent to the one before that. Enjoy! ~Giggles

He smiles, and takes another drag. Skills. He thinks to himself, and his Skill page appeared before him.

Skills

Ranks of Skills: Beginner 1-9, Apprentice 1-9, Journeyman 1-9, Advanced 1-9, Expert 1-9, Master 1-9, Grandmaster 1-10

Ranks of Magic Proficiency: 0% N/A, 1-9% Beginner, 10-19% Apprentice, 20-29% Journeyman, 30-39% Advanced, 40-49% Expert, 50-69% Master, 70-89% Grand Master, 90-99% Primal, 100% Godlike

Tenacious D - You do not give up, and you never surrender. No matter what happens, you will keep trying to do what you do best: Winning. As you increase [Tenacious D], your enemies will find it harder and harder to break your spirit. Just like JB against the Devil, you can and will win. [Beginner 1] Fire: 50% Water: 0% Blood for the Blood God - You will bathe in a river of blood, and build yourself a throne of skulls. As you increase [Blood for the Blood God], enemies spirit’s will be more easily broken when faced with your unquenchable bloodthirst, and have a chance of killing themselves from fright. While the All-Mother might not enjoy a throne of skulls surrounded by a pool of blood, she believes that it might be interesting to try. Create her throne, mortal! [Beginner 1] Earth: 0% Air: 50% One is the Loneliest Number - Congratulations, you are all alone. There are no other human beings on this world, and this world is very racist against outsiders. As you increase [One is the Loneliest Number], the people of Laeris will become more welcoming, and will be more forthcoming with quests and better deals while shopping. It also increases your fertility. Go spread your seed and get humans back as the prime race! [Beginner 1] NLight: 0%/A Dark: 50%

“…” Jake stared at the last skill. “Umm, Giggles? What the fuck is this?”

A new screen appeared in front of him.

This is what happens when a new race is created on my world. It tries to help them get together more and increases their chances of reproduction, so they won’t get killed off too early. Why, what’s up?

Jake sighed, and started tapping his foot, waiting for Lilith to pick through his head.

Oh. Oh! OH! Gotcha, I’ll get rid of it. The Skill [One is the Loneliest Number] has been removed.

“Thanks, Giggles.”

Forgot that you had some trouble growing up, sorry. Well, at least you didn’t do anything too drastic.

“I killed someone, Lilith. That was pretty drastic back on my world.”

She deserved it. But you need to let that go here, Jake. Like I told you, this world is violent and dangerous. And, you need to be the most violent and dangerous of them all.

“Alright, alright. I’m on it.” He took another drag, and flicked the butt away. Placing his hands behind his head, he started walking, whistling a merry tune.