Rule 14

Smart Monsters & Scripted Monsters Suck

Statement: Since returning to this world I’ve noticed different levels of intelligence in the monsters we fight. Some are clearly stupid. They have no brains and perform maybe three repetitive attacks. Their traits are always the same. It might as well be the same creature cloned a million times over—and with magic, it may very well be exactly that.

Then there are smarter creatures. Stronger ones. Less... Cookie-cutter I suppose. These creatures are rarely bosses in dungeons. Monsters like the Ogre King, and this spider I’m about to describe, aren’t simplistic. That makes them unpredictable—and that is something I don’t like.

When faced with large, gross, and unfriendly doom, I had two choices. Wet myself and cower in a corner, or commence with the murdering. I’ve run away to live another day, but rarely found time or sanity to wet myself like any normal person should.

Callisto shrieked. It was as though her mind had clicked off and all that remained was “spider, kill it with fire.”

Leon held up his shield. The creature brought mandibles down. I wiped the frown off my face and fumbled in a pocket for my spell book. It reached me before I could get red energy pooled. I curved so my shoulder would take the brunt; there the muscle was the thickest, and seemed to be toughest based on Callisto’s earlier strikes.

“Dieeeeeee.” Callisto charged. Her chain mail jangled loosely under the hole riddled T-shirt.

I ran right to distract the monster from her reckless charge.

It stayed fixated on me. At least, I think it did. The creature’s eyes were utterly inhuman and impossible to follow. It loomed over me by a good eight or nine feet. My body continued to steer the creature’s attention so Callisto would be under its weakest parts.

She jabbed up with both swords. I kept my arms wide and prepared to capture any limbs or jaws that came my way. The boss lurched forward and I managed to grab one of the side arms right behind the jaws. It bent toward me. Liquid-like acid burned as it dripped onto my skin. The smell of charred flesh filled my nose. I ignored it. Allegra could assist my natural healing, if we survived.

Bits of dark material flaked off its underside. I strained to give them a quick glance but couldn’t make out much detail. That served as another defect, this form didn’t have the natural night vision of my other selves.

The beast tore right. My grip on the forearm stayed strong and ripped off part of the limb but it still escaped. The monster, for lack of a better way to phrase it, pissed a stream of webbing all over the direction of my party.

The small material that flaked off the creature earlier rocked and unfolded.

“Adds!” Leon shouted.

I snorted. Now was not the time to find this situation funny but I had no other way to express the sheer lunacy of this situation. Not only had the boss dropped more baby spiders, it had put down enough web to lock my team in place.

“Oh my fucking god!” Callisto’s arms jerked to shake off the nastiness that had spilled from above.

The smaller spiders moved slowly. We needed a wide area attack to clear them. I hadn’t tried my explosive fist since our initial clash but now would be the best time. I kept an arm out for the boss and reached into my pocket for the spell book. It took too long. I needed better clothes and cords to bind the book.

Baby spiders crawled on the webbing. The large one stepped away from us and seemed drained. I used two fingers to pull the pages apart and slid my index finger over the first thick page. Energy pooled.

It would take a few seconds for it to reach critical mass. I hoped only five or so, the same amount of time the explosive took when arming after attachment. Then I could hopefully hit something and watch as pieces of the landscape and monsters turned into chunks. My ears stung and neck flushed. The weight of my spell book in one pocket hardly registered anymore.

Callisto broke free before my special attack could go off. She kicked two of the crawling critters, and tore webbing to regain movement. The spider overlord watched us. I could see its jaws twitching in the dark shadows between trees.

“Murder. Red. Sun. Decaying filth!” She spoke gibberish and swung her sword uselessly. The small spiders ignored her badly aimed strikes.

“Kindly get to cover!” I shouted as I leapt into the air.

Callisto glanced my way and ran toward Allegra. Leon had managed to move despite the webbing, but his body was still encased. My fist came down on the ground.

The world rippled. Ears popped. Vision blurred. Dirt flew as the shockwave passed through the ground. Baby spiders died in droves. They spun in circles, splatted against trees, and lay on their backs twitching.

I huffed. The move had drained my energy to zero and I felt sluggish. The arm I’d punched with was one of the regrown limbs. Blood trickled from the shoulder and my fingers bent at odd angles.

The boss spider wobbled toward us on shaky legs. Callisto shook off the daze even quicker and charged the monster. Her swords banged out a succession of hits upon the creature’s sturdy plating.

She’d finally snapped. I couldn’t care about her mental health right now. Whatever shiny material protected our enemy’s legs could brush off her swords with more ease than my own flesh. That probably meant its jaws could pierce me with even greater ease than the pony-sized spiders we’d been fighting.

I needed to get back in there and make sure the monster didn’t set sights on anyone else while they recovered. Everyone needed to survive this battle. We had more monsters to kill and a weapon to find.

Post Note: I wasn’t concerned about their well-being—at all. They were of greater use to me alive. At times, I feel I write these things to convince myself, than anyone else.

Callisto continued striking. More adds fell. Leon sluggishly moved forward with the bundle of webbing around him. Allegra was still almost fully encased. Her eyes rolled back to the whites and the half-formed cocoon somehow continued to grow despite the leader spider no longer spitting thread.

Our healer had to be freed. I staggered over and fumbled for the spell book with my undamaged hand. With Callisto’s rage we’d need another big explosion. The webs were too tight and gross. Their edges sticky were closer to clay than actual spider webs.

The monster chittered behind me. Its feet were quiet, but the predatory growl couldn’t be disguised. I twitched briefly and resumed clearing Allegra’s wrappings.

“Get it!” Callisto demanded.

“It’s ignoring me. He’s got too much agro,” Leon shouted. Their weapons clanked. A bright flash illuminated the area but I’d been facing away from the source. “The little ones. Get the little ones!”

My hand landed wrong. Allegra’s clothes were wet and mushy. I grabbed and tore with the wounded arm. My hand didn’t close right and I could barely make a fist. I reached for another clump and grabbed off-colored yellow material. It felt different.

Allegra lifted a hand and pulled the webbing around her face. A dozen emotions flickered over her features. Rage. Embarrassment. More anger, her eyes glanced to a sight behind me. They swiftly turned to fear as she dug into the satchel for paper. I let go of whatever I’d grabbed and nodded. Allegra could figure out what to do on her own.

Pressure hit my back, driving me to my knees. Liquid drenched my skin. My muscles burned and flesh tore. The spider boss had returned and taken advantage of my ill placed focus.

Post Note: We’d been fighting lots of spiders, but this was my first boss battle as an ogre. I was still too used to being ignored by monsters. As Hawthorn, I could have freed her with ease, copped a feel, winked, and dashed back out to the big bad creature.

I meant to scream in rage. It came out, “That’s uncivilized” as my wounded hand smacked the monster. It reeled but stayed on all eight legs. Below it, a slow moving army of baby spiders loomed. Nearly invisible in the greater creature’s shadow.

The world blurred. Allegra squeaked behind me. I heard the rustling of paper as she did, whatever. Callisto uselessly slashed with her blades. She needed sharper weapons.

I punched again and let the second rune of red energy finish completing. My skin itched as it crawled down my index finger and back up.

The boss clicked and pulled back. I swung again, keeping my strikes from going too wide. The world balanced awkwardly between hazy and normal vision. I had to believe Allegra worked frantically to heal me.

It chittered or whatever term applies to enraged giant spiders. I bellowed back. Callisto spoke in tongues. My fist, complete with explosive power, launched an uppercut. I aimed straight for a red dot glowing on the creature’s face.

“Down!” Leon yelled.

My shoulder muscles heaved. The wind sang as my fist pounded through the short distance. Hip and leg muscles screamed as they pushed off the ground to extend the punch. It connected. The air rippled. My already faltering hearing turned to pure ringing.

I couldn’t see. The last punch had gone off well above my head and I had nothing to protect me from the sudden force. My arms waved searching for purchase or a landmark.

Something touched my back. I tensed, expecting a spider but felt soft tiny hands pressing against me.

They didn’t put enough pressure on me to push or pull. My pants were likely still on but the bottoms felt loose. I relied on a faintly distinguishable smell of metals and fish. Leon and Callisto had to be nearby. A dull ache in my arms spoke of my explosive spell’s backlash. I’d used it twice with the good arm and once with the bad. They both hurt so I knew that these spells couldn’t be used often.

“Old hon,” someone said. Their words were hard to hear over the ringing.

“What?” I asked.

“Hold on.” Allegra’s voice came through clearly the second time. Or maybe the third, and went fuzzy again. “The hide ear is bed.”

I understood where Arson was coming from now. Nothing sounded right. I grunted and shook my head and that only made the echoing sound worse. My neck popped and shoulders rolled.

“Pardon me. My hearing is temporarily out of order. Please tap once for yes, twice for no.” That seemed like a fair tactic to use in battle. “Are there monsters in need of squishing?”

I put up my fists how I imagined a boxer would when ready to fight.

Allegra’s hand tapped once. Then tapped twice. “It’s all over brown.” Her words started clear before becoming obstructed again. I wished my eyes worked but they felt listless.

“My lack of auditory clarity is very disconcerting.” I put thought into the hesitation between spots. “There are monsters. I don’t need to squish them any longer. Did I infer that correctly?” To be honest, I wasn’t sure what the word ‘infer’ meant. Apparently, understand was too mundane a word for my current scholarly brute form.

My eyesight returned. Hearing next. Allegra frantically scribbled on paper. The sound of pencil markings in our otherwise muted surroundings made me feel disconnected. For a moment I was in school again, taking a test for some state mandated review. Then it faded, and reality came back.

In front of me lay dead and dying monsters. I paused and surveyed the landscape. These eyes were worse at finding enemies but I felt certain the only creatures moving were the boss monster and Callisto. Even Leon sat still.

The big spider’s body had flipped over. Three legs were heavily wounded and unmoving. The remaining two legs twitched and blood oozed from the wounds. Callisto engaged in one-sided hacking, chopping the unarmored underbelly with a savage smile on her face that made even me pause.

“There’s no more,” Allegra repeated. “Did you hear me Ha, Mister Underwood?”

I frowned. She’d almost given away my other name. Keeping secrets was hard enough without other people spilling them for me.

“Was that me?” I asked with utter confusion. I’d launched an attack with a huge amount of force behind it but didn’t expect these results.

“Some. Leon grabbed two legs. Your blast tore the limbs off and lifted him a few feet into the air. He’s…” Paper rustled. I turned to see Allegra frowning at one of her sheets. She tilted it back and forth. “Dazed. Very dazed. Probably a concussion, but that don’t mean a lot when magic’s involved.”

“Are you going to heal him?” I asked.

“Eventually. He’s not bleeding out. And I’m really low on energy.” She lifted a hand and swooned dramatically. I did not move to catch her. Mister Underwood could remain indifferent to the mechanisms of a woman.

“Ah. Well then. Intelligent ogre, one. Spider, zero.” I clapped, and brushed the remains off me. Sometime later I’d need to use my star made knife to clean these oversized fingernails.

“Die!” Callisto refused to stop, even after the spider stopped twitching and lay there.

Post Note: She had apparently been suffering a huge dislike for spiders. I assume seeing the large one broke her mind, however briefly. As Hawthorn, I would say she was tightly wound and needed to work out her aggression. As Mister Underwood I would suggest punching monsters. As Lance I would say, “I should have seen it coming.”

The red blot I’d punched on the giant spider’s neck was nowhere to be seen. That bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on the reason. It went onto a pile of concerns that were impossible to address without three lifetimes.

“Mmmhm.” I rubbed my chin carefully. My fingers hurt almost as bad as my legs. Smears of blood were on my hands and needed to be washed off.

The air felt clearer. The dampness hanging over the area lifted as the monster’s body melted away. Webbing between trees and on the ground shrank in size. Orbs flaked off slowly. From the dying monster’s spinnerets hung a single strand of golden silk. I stared at the material and wondered if it had any use.

“Grab it!” Allegra prompted. “Before it vanishes!”

I nodded jerkily and snagged the strand. Callisto looked up as I passed, her eyes cloudy and uneven hair matted with sweat. Her arm weakly continued to hack the dead and fading corpse with unabashed venom.

“It’s dead,” I said while rolling the strand carefully. It felt more like a thin smooth rope than any webbing. At least my earlier hunch had been right, bigger spiders gave better webs.

“Are we done with this place yet?” Leon flapped at the air with a glove and one of his gauntlets clattered into the shield. His shield clanked to the ground and he slowly shook his head. The armor must be weighing heavily on him by now. “Because the sooner we’re done, the sooner I can do my job, instead of having it taken by some ogre.”

Allegra knelt on the ground with her eyes closed, one hand clasped over her heaving chest and the other on the satchel carrying her pieces of paper. “Get over it.”

Allegra fiddled with paper some more and Callisto’s eyes regained focus.

The black-haired woman stared down the length of her arm and studied the sword. The last of the monster’s body turned into swirls, vanishing into the four artifacts we carried.

“It happened again, didn’t it? I lost control?” Callisto’s lips tightened.

Allegra nodded. Leon stood slowly and put his armor back into position.

“I really hate spiders,” she said.

I nodded. That seemed to be a fair assessment. However, I liked spiders. They squished and gave me thread. By now we’d collected enough strands to fill the trash can. This had been a win-win all around in my mind.