I woke up, feeling as if I had been run over by a large ground-transport. Repeatedly.

After I had jumped us out of the Celraph-system I had found out that the person who had packed my things had been thorough. Whoever it had been. I had all my clothes and personal effects, from the small keepsakes and knick-knacks I had brought with me to Celraph and collected during my time at the Academy, to the more recent acquisitions like the legacy I had been given by Commodore Ryker and the pistol-case from Wildcat. Part of me had been angry at the intrusion into my personal space but I had just been too tired to express the anger. Instead, I had pulled on a ship-suit and fallen into the waiting bunk, simply letting my body shut off, as it wanted.

The idea hadn’t quite worked my sleep had been fitful, disturbed by strange dreams, ranging from the confusing-erotic to a plethora of nightmares. Without even getting up from my bunk, or knowing what time it was, I stared at the clean ceiling, trying to figure out, well, everything.

I needed to figure out what I was going to do, what I wanted to do, what I could do. Yesterday, I had a plan for my life, a dream I had been working on for almost a decade, ever since I had seriously decided to aim for the black sky. That dream, to become a Starfighter-pilot was pretty much dead, at least if I wanted to fly for the Federation. I might be able to fly for one of the mega-corporations but unless I wanted to let myself hired for their less-than-legal operations, I would be out of luck.

The thought of that brought another question to mind, Airah had said that the Void Guard was considering themself guardians of humanity or something like that, which would mean they had at least some military potential, which made me want to ask, who was paying for that? The Federation spent a not insignificant percentage of the taxes it took in on maintaining the Starfleet and each individual system was paying for a small force patrolling only that system. Sure, there was some waste in the Starfleet-budget but still, who was paying for the Void Guard?

And, just like my future, my feelings were a confusing, jumbled mess and which emotion bubbled to the surface switched without rhyme or reason. In one moment, I felt angry at Airah for deceiving me, in the next moment, the plot of some action-flick flickered through my mind in which the main-character saved the damsel in distress and they lived happily ever after. I wanted to punch something and burst into tears, I wanted to kill Airah and I wanted to hug her.

“Gaaaargh!” I finally let my emotions bubble out of me, simply screaming at the mess I had made of my life. Screaming helped, at least a little and after letting some of it out, I felt a little numb.

“Twitch, are you alright?” a voice asked from the other side of the closed cabin-door, sounding worried. I felt myself blush at the realisation that the cabins weren’t sound-proof and before I could get out an answer, the door opened, allowing Airah to look into the room. She was dressed like I was, just a ship-suit that didn’t leave a lot to imagination. It made me think of the strange dreams I had, one of which featured her, in just that outfit, telling me that she’d reward me for saving me.

“I heard a scream, what happened?” she asked, looking around the cabin.

“You really need to ask what happened? Well, just yesterday, I had my own plans, my own dreams, all ahead of me. Then, I thought I was saving a friend from getting kidnapped and raped but the joke was on me, the person I thought of as a friend had lied to me and the people I thought were kidnappers were actually security-officers, just doing their job, until foolish me shot them dead. So, what could possibly have happened, you ask?!” I snarled, my voice starting out incredulous and quickly turning venomous before I screamed the last question in her face.

“I... “ Airah began, sadness obvious on her face and in her voice but she stopped herself before she could continue. Part of me winced at the look on her face and wanted to provide support but I just couldn’t.

“I won’t disturb you, if you are alright. If you are hungry, there is a small galley across the hallway from the entrance-hatch and if you need them, the facilities are the first door on the right side of it.” Airah explained, her voice carefully controlled. Once she had finished the explanation, she turned around and left me alone, letting to door shut behind her.

With a curse on my lips, I punched down, striking the bunk I was still lying on as hard as I could, while I felt tears forming in my eyes. After repeating that action a few times, I let myself slouch down, simply lying on the bunk trying not to think, not to feel. Maybe the Universe would do me the favour and simply cease to exist, so I wouldn’t have to deal with things.

Alas, the Universe didn’t do me that favour and, as soon as I was able to let go of things, at least a little, I felt my stomach rumble, reminding me that the last night had been a stressful one and I needed food.

Standing, I considered getting a shower first but decided against it, simply continuing to wear the ship-suit I had put on before going to sleep. Finding the small galley was no great feat, not like there was a lot of space in the small spacecraft and it was surprisingly well stocked. Sure, there was no fresh food but from what I could see, it was good quality non-perishable food. Not feeling up to preparing anything complicated, I simply made myself a bowl of cereal, the sort that just needed some water to become edible.

The food and some good coffee were just what I needed. The simple pleasure of eating good food gave my mood a huge boost, to the point that I no longer wished for the Universe to simply cease to be but that maybe, I could find a new place in it. Hell, I had to find a new place in it, my old place was gone.

And I just had to accept that, unless I managed to find a way to travel back in time.

The idea made me give a mirthful chuckle, when I realised something. Would I wish for Airah, the woman I had been friends with for four years, to get her mind ripped to shreds by Federation Security and Psicom? The part of me that was still snarling and angry felt that way but a far bigger part of me reminded me of the many times Airah had been there for me during the time at the Academy. Did I really believe she had faked who she was all that time? Was I that bad of a judge of character?

As I sat there in the galley, my cereal eaten and a fresh mug of coffee sitting in front of me, my ears picked up something else, something I hadn’t heard before. It wasn’t the low, electric thrum of the spaceship, nor was it the gentle humming of the environmental system, keeping the air nice and breathable. No, it was a quiet sobbing noise, coming from the aft-portion of the ship, most likely the engineering-section.

The question who was sobbing was quite easy to answer, there were two people aboard and one of them was me, so unless some joker had hidden small speakers that played sobbing sounds at random times, it was Airah who was sobbing there.

It made me consider what she had told me the day before, that she had come to the Academy to learn and, once she had seen what it was about, had stayed with honest intention. If only I knew if that was true. It sounded true and felt in line with what I had thought to know about Airah in general, that she was quite honourable but also ambitious, the type of person that believed herself to be able to change the direction of an organisation as large as the Starfleet. Talk about a monumental task.

Hearing her cry made me feel bad, I didn’t like it when she cried. During our time at the Academy, we had helped each other, no matter with what. We had, quite literally, seen the dirty laundry of the other, had seen the other brought low by the brutal regimen designed to push cadets to their limits, maybe even a little further and we had relied on the other to make it past those limits, even if we didn’t think we could.

Did I really believe Airah was the type of person she’d have to be to fake all that? And if not, was I the type of person to leave my friend to suffer, just because I was angry at the consequences of her actions?