The days were a blur. There was nothing to say, nothing to do. Simply sit and wait. Wait for something. What it was, Marie did not know. Before she did. They were going to heal the city. Something about scientists and musicians working together to build a better world. Something like that. That seemed like a good thing to do. She should work on that. As soon as she was done waiting for whatever she was waiting for.

Alice was there, in Marie and Sophie’s room. She was checking Marie’s ears, a somber look on her face. Alice snapped her fingers by the left of her face. Marie hardly made a reaction. She simply looked at Alice before looking away.

“Her hearing’s fine,” Alice said. “I’d say it was healed by the end of that day.”

Marie’s dad nodded, an anxious but somber look on his face. “She doesn’t seem to respond to me.”

“I can’t heal that kind of hurt,” Alice whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Marie stared at the wall, hands in her lap. Alice left the room and her dad came in, sitting at the bed beside Marie. They remained silent for some time.

“The funeral’s tomorrow,” he said. Marie did nothing, the silence settling over them again. “You should go. Show your support. Albert misses you. I can’t keep turning him away for you.” Marie stared at the wall, clearing out every single thing from her mind so she could bask in a void of nothing. “Sophie’s getting some lunch together. I want you to eat today.” Thinking about being in a void would have to mean there was still something. She couldn’t have anything. “Please, Marie? Talk to me?”

She would have her void.

***

The funeral happened, and Marie sat through it, staring ahead, her mind consuming her, blocking everything out, cocooning her in a voidless cold blanket of emotionlessness. She was barely aware of her dad next to her, rubbing her shoulder. Albert was on the other side in a wheelchair. He had taken her hand, her limp fingers through his, not reacting to his squeezes. Sophie was next to Marie’s dad, glancing at Marie every so often. There was a knot in Marie’s throat, but through sheer willpower, she kept it contained. She had to be strong. There was an entire mountain of emotions outside her void, and it would crush her if she left. The longer the funeral lasted, the more Marie buried her own emotions as deeply as…

Marie closed her eyes as the speeches brushed past her. There was a large variety. Somber musical numbers, artwork, and the final song where everyone shared their deepest sorrows to each other. Her lines of the song were left unsung. To speak them would be to leave the void and be crushed by the mountain.

They gathered in another room that Marie had no memory of going to.

“Marie?” Marie turned to see her dad, looking at her with the concern that seemed ever present in his eyes. He waited for her to speak, and she waited for him to give up and say what he was going to say anyway. Her dad swallowed, his eyes raw from crying. “Do you want me to get you a plate of food?”

Marie nodded. Her dad watched her a moment more before he turned and headed toward the food line. Marie zoned out again, staring at nothing and thinking of nothing. She completely forgot Albert was next to her until he squeezed her hand tight. She looked over at him, orienting herself again to see him. He was in his wheelchair, so she had to look down. It was strange, she having to look down at someone. She always looked up at everyone. They were all so much taller than her.

“Marie, no one blames you for what happened. You know this, right?” Albert said.

It was a knock on the door of her void. An invitation for the mountain to come in. Marie shut it tight as she simply stared at Albert. Albert glanced over at someone who had come up behind Marie. Albert squeezed her hand again before letting go and wheeling himself away. Marie turned to see Billy.

Her void tore just a bit. She hadn’t seen Billy in a while. Something was supposed to happen when she saw him. She was supposed to apologize. It wasn’t for the thing, but for a different thing. In her refusal to apologize, a familiar guilt snuck through her void, making it tremble.

“Hello Marie,” Billy said. Marie stared at him, feeling her breathing start to pick up before she smothered it down. She couldn’t feel anything. She would simply sacrifice her friendship with Billy in order not to be crushed by the mountain just outside the void. “Lovely funeral, wasn’t it?” Marie gave no reaction. She couldn’t. “Funerals are for the living. Gives us time to mourn.” Marie did nothing. Billy took her elbow, and Marie hardly felt it as he led her to a quieter part of the room. Marie let him, because to act otherwise would mean to be crushed.

Billy rubbed his forehead before he dropped his hand. “Look, your dad is super worried about you. Enough that he called me yesterday for my help.” Marie gave no reaction as Billy watched her. Concern grew in his face. “Okay, we all are, Marie. This is not good. You cannot be this deep in denial. It’s dangerous what you’re doing.”

The void shivered again, and Marie kept it held tight. She needed to control herself. She fell back on an old habit. “One, Hydrogen. Two, Helium.”

“You didn’t join any of the songs,” Billy said.

“Three, Lithium. Four, Beryllium.”

Billy swallowed. “This isn’t healthy.”

“Five, Boron. Six, Carbon.”

“Stop naming those elements, Marie,” Billy said.

The void gave a dangerous crack and dirt began to spill inside. She’d been saying those out loud? She could have sworn she was saying them in her mind.

Billy studied her carefully and she became aware he had grabbed her shoulders. “Abe’s dead, Marie. He died saving you. I don’t expect you to be okay about that.”

Marie gasped as the void blipped away and the mountain was there. “Don’t, Billy,” she couldn’t help but say. “Don’t.”

“Yes, Marie. You need to face this. You spent your entire life hiding your emotions to keep yourself from singing. You are doing the same thing now because it’s what you taught yourself to do when growing up.”

“Stop, Billy. I can’t-” Marie started to say, feeling slimy tears on her face.

“No you can’t, Marie. I cannot possibly imagine the guilt you’re trying to hide from, but you have to face it because you cannot live like this.”

“I won’t survive.” Billy couldn’t possibly understand. The mountain of emotion was there, teetering ever closer. “I won’t survive even if I feel… please don’t.”

“You’re dad said you’re barely eating, you’re not talking. You cannot keep going down this path, or it will take you to places you don’t want to be,” Billy said, his hands tightening around her shoulders.

She was choking on something. It must be the mountain, filling her up with dirt. Tears were running down her cheeks. There was music playing, but Marie refused to sing. She refused to hear the lyrics that her chip demanded her to sing. She had a choice, and she chose not to feel.

“We’re your friends and family, Marie. Don’t be afraid to share your emotions with us. It’s what the arts do. They help share the experiences and trials of life. You can’t expect to carry this burden alone,” Billy said.

“Stop!” Marie screamed. “Stop it! I can’t! It will crush me!”

“Abe deserves to be mourned,” Billy said, his calm voice cutting through her screams. “He was my best friend, Marie. And he’s gone.”

The mountain was on top of her, crushing her. It was difficult to breathe.

“He was the only friend who I could turn to,” Billy said. “He was there for me, every single time, and now he won’t be.”

Marie was shaking, the mountain of grief filling her lungs with dirt until they burst, entering her body until it was too heavy of a weight. She became aware she was on the floor, Billy kneeling beside her, holding her hand. She closed her eyes again, covering her eyes with her other hand to hide her tears. If this pulverizing pressure hit her physical body, she’d already be dead, but this was so much worse. This weight of grief was there, constantly. There was nothing that would bring relief from this pain.

“He’s dead,” she managed to choke out, her words feeling like thick mud as they exited her mouth.

Billy squeezed her hand. “He is.”

Her hand tightened over her eyes. “It’s all my fault.”

“No, no it’s not,” Billy said. “It’s Josef’s fault.”

Marie gasped for air. “It’s too much. I can’t do it.”

“Tell me. Share it. We’re here with you, Marie.”

“I don’t have your genius. I can’t explain so you understand. I can’t.”

Someone grabbed her wrist. It was both gentle and firm. She brought her hand down to see her dad, kneeling next to Billy. He helped her up, even though she only wanted to lay on the floor. “You don’t have to explain anything to me Marie. I already know.”

The full brunt of the grief hit her in the chest, her lungs giving out and her heart breaking into a thousand bits. The reality of it all came toppling down. They had won, but it didn’t feel like they had. There were still riots, still anger, still death no matter how hard she tried, no matter how much they asked for peace. No matter what they had sacrificed.

Her dad pulled her into a hug, holding her tight. Marie sobbed. The pain racked her over and over as she hung limp in her dad’s arms. Abe should have had the privilege of growing up. Of living the life he wanted. He had a bright future ahead of him, and now it was gone.

After feeling numb for so long, she was almost hyper-aware that Billy was hugging her too, supporting her up, his tears falling onto her shoulders as hers fell on her dad’s. Abe’s parents were feeling this grief. Again. They had a few short weeks where the pain was gone, and now it was back again. And Marie couldn’t help but blame herself.

Albert was there, braced against his crutch as his casted arm stroked her hair. He leaned his head on her other shoulder. What little strength was in her legs gave out, but it didn’t matter. They were holding her up as the pain continued to drag her under. She had done nothing when Josef pulled out the gun. Nothing. She should have fought, but instead she froze. If Abe and Marie had joined forces against Josef, would Abe still be here?

Sophie’s familiar scent was right behind her as the hug grew. Even Edgar was there, his strangely warm hugs feeling like a fireflies light in the blackest of nights.

Marie would never know what Abe was going to tell her.

There was no explanation or equation to logic herself out of this pain. Nothing of true substance in her science mind to help her come to terms with this. There were no lyrics or poems that could possibly ease the hurt in her soul. However, surrounded in the warmth of her dad and friends, she forced herself to feel it anyway.