For better or worse, I decided to trust in my family. Your next-door neighbor might slit your throat for a few coppers, but family was the one thing you could rely on. I felt the Vice Dean stare at me as I gazed at one of the screens, doing my best to discount her words. We sat in silence for a few moments more before she sat up with a start.

The water sloshed noisily as she roared, “ATTENDANTS! Two glasses, my alcohol, NOW!”

Something fell and shattered in the distance. Several pairs of feet desperately ran to and fro. In less than a minute a male mer and a female human in blue robes cautiously moved one of the screens. The mer ran over to us, shakily placing two glasses down while his counterpart opened a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of wine.

“D-d-do you n-need i-ice, Vice Dean?”

“No need, and do be prompt the next time I call,” her eyes frosted over as she stared at the two.

“Yes, Vice Dean!” They shouted, scrambling away.

They put back the screen before making good their escape. The Vice Dean took one of the bottles and poured two glasses of whiskey, then used her arcane to drop a large sphere of ice into each.

“Wow, you’re a people person, aren’t you?”

“Better to be feared than loved Tome, something that’s going to bite you in the ass one day.”

“If you don’t give others a reason to, most often they don’t try to kill you.”

She handed me a glass, we clinked.

“To those destined to die by stupidity, may natural selection weed you out efficiently, expressly, and expeditiously.”

She eagerly drained her glass, I only drank half, not quite pleased with how she worded the toast.

Her eyebrows arched, “Oh, now you can’t drink either?”

In an instant I finished the whiskey, eliciting a smile from her.

“Good to know you’re somewhat of a man. Speaking of which, what did you think of Nerida?”

Godsdamnit, I thought I’d covered the N’s.

“She’s quite beautiful.”

“And from a good house. Coincidentally, one subservient to mine. I could give her to you if you wanted.”

“Is that why she was so interested in me? I thought it was because I was top in my class?”

“Bah, ha, ha, ha! Top?! Sure, just as a gnoll surrounded by rocks could be considered the most intelligent of the bunch! You’re number one amongst the lowest of the low, do take a bow. Heh, heh!”

I squeezed the bridge of my nose before responding, “So then why did you tell her I was amazing?”

Agrippina refilled our glasses, white wine this time, “What the hell are you going on about? The only thing I’ve told her is that I’m interested in you.”

“That’s…”

“Either way, do you want her or not? I could gift wrap her for you, imagine her coming to your room, naked except for the bow only modestly covering her more delicate regions.”

“While I appreciate the offer…”

“Gods above, you’re just as bad as the other worlders!”

“I am not! How…”

“Do I seriously need to tie you up, then lower Nerida onto your dick with a rope? Gods! You have a peerless beauty such as myself, and another slightly less perfect woman to boot, and still you hesitate?”

Yes, yes I did. Women did not throw themselves at me even before I became cursed, and had far fewer reasons to do so now. Agrippina and… Son of a bitch! Both of them were seemingly interested in me, signaling to me that they were either trying to use me, harm me, or just plain crazy (all three in Agrippina’s case). Crazy could be quite fun when it lived at least the next town over. You don’t date next door crazy, that’s just asking for trouble.

“You don’t complicate things, especially not where you live.”

The Vice Dean motioned to the glasses, we clinked, again emptying them.

“Tome, for all your bravado, do you honestly believe you’re going to survive?”

“Of course I am! I’m in the middle of…”

“Tome, things are going to be expedited, very soon.

I scowled, “The Fools’ Errand?”

“Damn that little foreign bitch!”

“Oh, don’t be so hard on her, it was an honest mistake.”

“Just like the rest of her kin.”

Agrippina beamed evilly at her witticism before pouring us some whiskey.

I sighed, “They’re useful, the same can’t be said for the pinnae and kobs.”

“The kobs, no. But the pinnae… They are beauty at its finest! They’re…”

“They can’t fly! What the hell purpose do they serve?”

Agrippina gave me a mistrustful glance, “Is that really why you don’t like them, or is it perhaps…?”

I glared at her, my anger more from the accuracy of her assessment than authentic annoyance. Still, I wasn’t about to let her know that.

“Beauty might be important to you nobles, I mean, why worry if your partner can’t carry their weight when you can hire someone to do it for them?”

Agrippina’s eyes widened as her lips formed a grin. She took her glass and used it to roughly push its counterpart towards me.

“To jealousy, something befitting only peasants and knaves…”

Our glasses tinkled softly, her remark cutting sharply into my keenness for drinking.

“Maybe if you peasants worked a bit harder, you could afford the finer things too.”

“Sure, and if we all…” abruptly I stopped speaking, choosing instead to quickly down my portion before my stupidity got me killed.

“And if we all…?” she prodded me to finish, slowly draining her whiskey.

“Nothing,” I quickly answered.

As much as I hated the Vice Dean, there was a good chance I would cross a line. In my mind I cursed over and over again, wondering how uttering “And if we all murdered our brothers and sisters, there’d definitely be more wealth to go around,” was in any way a good idea.

“Humph, it didn’t sound like nothing, you’re holding back again Tome, that’s what I’m trying to teach you. You have to let loose when someone comes at you. Give back, preferably better than you were given. It’s the only way. Speaking of which, you’ll be needing a second etching soon if you are to keep up.”

“THE HELL! It’ll be six months before everyone else is ready for their first etching, why…? Ah, shit, because of the other worlders? Seriously?”

She stared at me with a thoughtful expression, “Everyone will be undergoing two etchings even if they haven’t received the first in the coming weeks. It’s a good thing you haven’t made many friends, because half of your class will be atop pyres, and that’s before the quest.”

“That’s insane! We’re losing mages, just to kill other worlders? If you just tell everyone, we’ll all go and slit their throats in their sleep!”

“Tome, you’re not seeing the larger picture.”

I gazed at her in confusion, “Mages dying in droves, to ensure other worlders dying in droves, what’s more to comprehend?”

My body tremored, why the hell were so many going to be sacrificed, myself included, for something so stupid? Why even bring those good for nothing bastards to our world only for us to kill them?

She looked at me devilishly, “You’re assuming that the main goal is to eliminate the other worlders.”

“Yes, and…?”

“And, it’s not.”

“So then what is the main goal?”

“Let’s wait and see if you’re smart enough to figure that out for yourself.”

Hephaestun’s ass, Arodite’s snatch, Demerus’s tits, Dynachus’s cocks, why could no one just say what the hell was going on!?

“What is going on!?” I shouted, no longer caring if anyone else in the Bath heard me.

Agrippina raised her glass, I neglected to return the motion. I still downed the alcohol, more in the hopes that it would take away just a fraction of the anger I was feeling. My eyes scrutinized Agrippina, trying to see if I could understand what she was thinking with this damned ploy.

“Ah, now that hits the spot, oh, do stop staring, it’s in poor fashion.”

“You haven’t explained to me what’s Goddamn going on!”

Nothing she was saying made any sense. Six months for the first etching, then surely at least several before the next. What the hell could be the motivation for slaughtering mages in training, myself included? Vividly I recalled the pain from my first etchings, along with all the anger and betrayal I had felt upon learning the truth. The alcohol was no longer keeping me calm, no…

“And why do you think that is, Tome?”

“Because you’re being a bitch and trying to torture me!” I shouted, throwing my glass into the pool.

My shoulders rose and fell with every breath, my hands clenched into fists, ready for the slightest provocation. Agrippina stared at me nonchalantly, before swimming towards me, a thin smile on her face. Her hands softly took my own. I pulled away violently, or at least I tried, but found my arms held fast by the water they were half submerged in.

“Let me show you something.”

She began to pull me into the middle of the pool, but I still resisted. While I couldn’t move away from her, I could prevent her from moving me, at least for the moment. The tugging stopped; she pressed her body close to mine. My body and mind both heated up, putting a stop to my struggle out of disbelief. Her lips brushed again my ear, blowing erotically. Involuntarily I shivered in excitement. She pulled in closer, her moist lips sensually touching my ear.

She whispered, “Now that’s what a man does, we only had to get a few glasses in you and your blood boiling to get you here.”

“I don’t…!”

“Tome, go with it. I know you’re angry, and I promise, I will tell you as much as I can tomorrow, but for now, just consider… You’re likely going to die, best efforts or not. What does it matter if this complicates things? It’s time you manned up Tome, your peasant life is so screwed up, what the hell difference could this possibly make? Let go Tome, let me give you your reward, for being such a good pupil...”

My anger faded as she spoke, she wasn’t completely wrong. While I was improving, the odds kept stacking against me. I let go of trying to decipher the deeper truth behind the etchings and the fool’s errand, in the now, it wasn’t as important as the warm body pressed against mine.

Again she pulled, and this time I didn’t fight. Her eyes gave a pale blue glow. The water around us churned slightly, the energies that flowed upwards now seemed to be sweeping around the pool rapidly. Within them were innumerable threads, I felt as they tingled against my bare skin. The feeling was… Intense.

“You’ve been practicing your manipulation and shapes, so I’m sure you can appreciate this.”

The pressure in the water increased, as well as the pleasure. It was as though Agrippina was massaging my body using a hundred moldable filaments. The hundred different points fractured in an instant, resulting in nearly a thousand new threads that caressed my skin. They pushed, pulled, and even spread into my skin. My mouth opened on its own, it took far more effort than it should’ve to keep from uttering any unseemly noises. Women moaned during pleasure, not men.

Her hands placed mine on her hips before moving on to my shoulders. Her eyes twinkled a mischievous blue and through my arcane I felt one thread taking on a larger form, a hand similar to the one I’d created before. Well-formed, thin fingers stretched forward. I gulped, my hands and feet no longer moving as the construct firmly seized between my legs.

“Ah!” I shouted, nothing near a moan.

The thousand threads continued their assault while the hand stroked. I took a moment to peer at Agrippina, her body was motionless in the water while her fingers danced upon my shoulders as though manipulating a marionette. I didn’t particularly care to be in such a position, but the ecstasy was too much for me even consider rebelling.

Without any warning, the other threads gently took hold of me and pulled me from Agrippina, deep beneath the waters. The strands merged with the surrounding waters, until it was like all of the water surrounding me was fondling my entire body. The sensation continued just to the point of no return, of both pleasure and breath, before abruptly shooting me to the surface. Violently I took in huge gulps of air, my arms flailing even though my body did not sink.

After a few minutes I had my bearings and control over myself once more. The force suspending me began to melt away, so I was forced to swim in position once more. It took a few seconds to find Agrippina, sitting outside the pool now, legs crossed, dangling in the water.

“How was it for you?”

“I’ve had better,” I lied.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, ha, ha! Somehow I doubt that.”

Thank the Gods for the alcohol and lack of air, or my reddened face might’ve been noticeable.

“Tell me, truly, was it at least somewhat enjoyable?”

I paused, before deciding to screw caution. We were too far in now, going back was the same measure as plowing forward.

“Yes, but since you’ve had your fun, I think it’s my turn,” I retorted, thoughts running wild in my mind.

“Oh I concur,” she spread her legs wide and beckoned towards the space in between, “As I said, there are many ways to savor a woman.”

I scoffed, “I was thinking something similar, though with your lips and mouth doing the savoring.”

“Oh, the hopeless dreams of youth! I tell you what, since you’ve finally began taking the first steps towards not being a pussy, how about you pleasure me first, then we switch?”

“Sure, but like the other worlders say, Women first.”

We stared intently at one another, the tension and temptation rising as one.

Agrippina looked at me sideways, her grin inescapable, “But Tome, Men lead by example.”

---------------------------------------------

When choosing a marriage for your children, always be sure that they have the least input in the decision. Even well-disciplined children will pine about looks, love, or the occasional humpback. These are minor things when compared with what truly matters, the Household. A marriage is not a union between individuals, but a union of families and should provide bountiful advantages, contacts, and preferably wealth to both houses.

Of course, this is immaterial if the wedding is between close relatives. For some, wealth and sex are better when found close at hand. To my readers with such proclivities, please don’t take this as an insult, you likely have enough problems where you stand. On your webbed, three-toed feet undoubtedly.

-Magda Megaera, author of Etiquette Exercises, Gentility and Grievances, Seemliness for Simpletons, and Proprietary Propriety Politesse Protocol for Poisons.