I was so startled I didn’t move away, but let his lips press against mine. I froze for a second, my heart hammering and my stomach flip-flopping like crazy. My body lit up in response to his touch. All that repressed desire and anxiety I’d experienced since Changing blossomed and It felt too good, better than it had any right to. I opened myself and let his tongue sink into me.

We kissed like we were sparring, our tongues dancing hard against each other. He tasted like rum and smelt of spices. I pulled him onto me, shivering as my breasts pressed into his muscled body. The friction of our clothing was delicious and teasing. My body’s hunger responded to him, to this, and we were rolling around, laughing, snarling, struggling for dominance. We rolled around in the dead leaves and grass, not caring how filthy we got.

He bit my neck and I moaned in pleasure. Then I returned the favor, licking and biting his salty skin. Alec groaned. It made me smile, having that effect on him. I felt his hardness pressing against me, through his trousers and that made me ache for him even more. I began fumbling with his belt, in a feverish rush.

“Wait, wait,” he said. I sat up, straddling him. He was flushed and breathing hard. “Let me show you something,” he said.

He reached his hands towards my face and I cocked my head. “What are you…?” I started to ask as his hands neared my skin. Instead of touching me, they hovered, an inch or so away from my body. A warm wave washed over my skin, raising gooseflesh everywhere it went. Whisper-touch fingers slid beneath my clothing, brushing and teasing everywhere they went. I bit my lip, moaning at the sensation. I arched my back, reveling in the invisible touches all over my body.

“What the hell?” I moaned.

He smirked up at me. “Just a little Seer bonus.”

“Ah,” I groaned. Grinding against him, I asked, “What’s the point of sexy touch powers?” Though right now, I saw exactly the point of them.

He moved his hands over and away from me, changing the nature of the sensation on my flesh. Behind the smirk, his eyes narrowed and sweat was beading on his forehead. “Some of the Seers can touch you from across the room, even lift things without touching them, like this.” He swept his hands up and my shirt lifted up and over my breasts. Alec whistled.

“The fuck?” I said. Before I could comment on the revelation that telekinesis was a thing, the warmth enclosed my breasts, pressing and squeezing them. I sucked air in between my teeth as my nipples hardened beneath his ghostly touch.

“Whoa, whoa,” I said. “My head is swimming.”

Alec pulled his hands back and I sadly felt the ghostly sensation withdraw. His face was flushed and sweat dotted his brow.

“Does that take a lot out of you?” I asked, running my finger down his face, collecting the sweat on his cheek.

He nodded. “You’re worth it though.”

More heat blossomed on my cheeks. I was glad I was already so hot and bothered, or that might get uncomfortable. To shut him up before he said anything else embarrassing, I kissed him hard, pulling him back up so he could touch me for real. I ran my hands down his back, making him groan and return my ardor with his own intensity. I wanted to pull him into me, to devour all of him. I kissed him like he was my air, my water. I needed this. His fingers ran through my hair and mine his. We were savaging each other.

I opened my eyes and saw his squinted in pain. I realized I was gripping his head fiercely, too fiercely. My strength, I wasn’t even aware I was using it, and I was crushing him. The thought of hurting him cast up the image of a dying boy’s face where Alec’s should have been. With great reluctance, I pushed him away.

“What, what’s wrong?” he asked, panting.

“We can’t do this,” I said. “I’ll hurt you again, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not right now.” I pulled my shirt down and scooted away from him.

“Peri,” he said, leaning into me and taking my cheeks in the palms of his warm hands, “It’s ok. I don’t care. You caught me by surprise, that’s all. I can take it.” He bent to start kissing again, but I pulled back, much as I did not want to.

“You don’t know that Alec. We have no idea. I could squeeze you too hard or… worse. I just don’t want to take that chance.”

“But I’m telling you, it’s Ok. I don’t want to let something like our powers stand in the way of us being together. I can take whatever you can dish out, I promise. I want you so much Peri, I’ve wanted you since we first met.”

I stared at him, unsure whether to laugh or slap him for fucking with me. “What do you mean? We barely know each other.” We’d hung out in the early days, but after he joined the Seers, we’d barely seen each other. The occasional poker game was about it.

He waved my objection away. “I don’t understand what’s so surprising. You’re hot and you have an attitude, unlike the rest of these...boring people. That’s enough for me.”

But my fire had died and I just felt cold inside now. The alcohol buzz was fading, withdrawing back into my center as I retreated into myself. He looked at me, imploring me, telling me the kind of things I always wanted to hear. He wanted me, needed me. And I felt like I needed him right now too.

Want and need are not always enough though, no matter how much they may seem to be. I did not want that to be true, but I realized it was. There was so much I wanted and needed right now, but none of that changed reality. None of that changed who I had hurt and who I was capable of hurting.

As he leaned forward, I held him with my hand on his tight chest. I wanted to tear his shirt off and run my hands over his skin. I wanted to feel those muscles he’d been ripping for the last few months. But if I started, I did not trust myself to stop. If I did not stop, I did not trust myself to not hurt him either. Sure he might get better, but I would have still hurt him. I could not bear that.

“It’s not about that,” I said, my voice shaking. “I want it too. I want to fuck you. I want to lose myself in this and not care about anything for a while. My God, how I want that right now.”

“Then have it,” he said, a smile on those kissable, roguish lips. “I won’t complain about a little pain; that kind of stuff excites me.”

“I’m sure it does, Alec. I like it rough at the best of times. But seriously, this is not about that.”

“Is it someone else?” he asked, pulling back.

“God, no, aren’t you listening? I fucking murdered two people the other night. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I stood up and backed away from him. This was really turning all into shit. I did not want things to play out this way. Damn it. Why couldn’t I just get laid and forget about it? Why did it have to be this complicated?

“It wasn’t murder, Peri. It was self-defense.”

I just gave him a look that summed up what I thought of that argument.

“Fine, if not self-defense, it was still in the name of defense. You were saving hundreds of people’s lives. Putting your own on the line. I mean, if there is a better definition of a hero, I don’t know what it is.”

“I don’t feel like a hero. I mean, those guys did not have much of a chance against me. They didn’t know what they were up against.”

“Fuck them. They are evil, murderous bastards. If I were you, I’d be glad that I did it.”

I sighed. My eyes were burning as tears tried to squeeze their way past my lashes. “I didn’t just kill those guys. I did something worse.”

A questioning look crossed his face. “What? What could be so bad?”

I’d already told August when I was in shock and I told General Castle and the others when I gave my report because I had no choice. Here in the dark, with Alec, I was not sure I could tell him.

He stepped back up to me. “What is it?”

Sighing, I hugged my arms around my chest. Better to let him judge me now and be done with it. “I tortured a guy. I didn’t know where the car bomb was, so... I... tortured one of the guys I beat up to make him tell me. I… I hit him and when that did not work, I broke his fingers to make him talk. I did not know what else I could do to make him tell me.” Tears burned my cheeks.

Alec did not say anything for several minutes. We just stood in the clearing, with nothing but the sound of our breathing and the gentle wind that rustled the leaves around us.

“That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you don’t want to risk hurting me?”

I nodded, without looking back up at him.

“Peri, I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think I would have done worse if I had been in your situation.” He slowly put his arm around me and held me. “I won’t judge you for that if that’s what you’re worried about.” I felt him kiss the top of my head.

It was so nice, just being held. This simple comfort was so welcome, I thought I might give in and surrender to our desires. In the end, my fear and self-loathing were far more potent than my desire, and I gently disentangled myself.

“I hope I can come to see myself the way you do, Alec. But now, I just need more time.” I handed him the bottle and what little was left in it. “Thanks for the rum. I hope we can do this again sometime.”

And then I turned and left him there, standing alone in the night air, while I crawled back to my bed full of self-recrimination and doubt. After rejecting Alec, I would not be surprised if he did not want to have anything else to do with me. While I was afraid of hurting him, I did like him and did not want to lose his friendship. I’d known more than a few guys who didn’t take rejection well.

I tried not to think about anything as I lay in the dark, trying to force myself to sleep. It was a long time before I could sleep.

Every noise sounded like a snapping bone.