Chapter 67.

I remembered. I remembered everything. What came after this point and everything before it was all a part of my memory after all.

If only... if only I’d been more adamant in declining the friends that egged me on back then. If only I wasn’t such an idiotic inexperienced beta. There were so many points in which I could have avoided everything that turned my life into a mess, but I utterly failed with flying colors in that department. I was truly a veteran when it came to failing to notice the signs that someone had a few loose screws in their head.

However… if I did avoid it, that girl... would she have turned out even worse? Would she have killed even more people? As far as I was aware, for the three years in which we dated, she didn’t target anyone else. I was the only one in her eyes after that day.

I closed my eyes as my mind filled with countless scenes; like a tsunami crashing down, my head was assaulted with numerous memories. These memories pieced together one by one and formed a much larger picture in my head. The messy scrambled puzzle of memories had been reconstructed once again.

When the final piece fell into place I recalled the last scene I’d seen before I entered this bizarre world.

...

“Haaaaaaaaah.”

I sucked in a deep breath and opened my eyes wide. The first thing I discovered was an unfamiliar ceiling. My body felt heavy, there was a wet sensation on my chest and a strange warmth that enveloped me. I heard a heartbroken suppressed weep from my chest where that warm wet sensation originated from.

When I directed my gaze downward, I found a head of white hair buried in my chest.

“Don’t leave me… hah.”

“Please wait for me… hah.”

“Don’t wordlessly leave me behind like mommy, daddy and big sister did.”

“You... absolutely must wait for me darling, you can’t go ahead of me.”

“We have to go together…”

“Damn it... why… poison... taking so long... kill me? Hah hah hah.”

“If I’m not fast enough… hah... I won’t be able to stay together… hah... with my darling for eternity.”

It was none other than Adele; who appeared delirious. She definitely hadn’t realized that I’d regained consciousness. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, she sweated profusely while she panted and heaved heavy breaths. She was short of breath between her words. When I looked at her from this angle, I noticed a small bite mark on her neck. It was only now I understood how serious Adele had been, she really intended to commit double suicide after all.

As for the world I just saw, was that similar to what they meant by your life flashing before your eyes before death?

When I understood her condition, I was left with two choices; of which, they were on completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I could play dead and wait until Adele passed on and then escape with my life in tact… or I could attempt to save her by sucking the poison out.

If Adele was a normal person, the latter would be the only natural choice for me, no questions asked. But, if I kept her alive was that really considered salvation to her? If she believed we died together, would that bring her happiness and let her soul rest in peace?

Wouldn’t letting her die be kinder than forcing her to live through a life of unhappiness as she suffers endlessly through life in her psychotic state?

With the two choices before me, where I was forced to choose one or the other, my heart felt like it was ruthlessly torn in two pieces. On one hand, I still loved her to an extent and deep down I wished her a happy life; on the other hand, I feared her deeply and worried that if I saved her she’d make another attempt at our lives.

Is trying to keep her alive selfish? Does letting her die mean I’m running away from her again? Is keeping her alive me preventing her from finding peace, or am I secretly selfishly wishing she dies so I can return to a normal life?

Do I even really love her like I believe I do? Perhaps I hate her and fear to admit to the horrible person I truly am?

Amidst the chaotic conflicted thoughts that violently clashed together in my head over the last few minutes, I never noticed it…

I never noticed how quiet and tranquil the room suddenly became.

When I finally snapped out of it, it was already too late. With eyes of a traumatized helpless child, I gazed upon the peaceful expression of the woman that laid on top of my chest. Her smile full of bliss and release, much unlike the pained expression she’d worn just moments before.

The only sound in the room that remained was a single person’s cold heavy breaths; my own. The only flame of life that flickered inside the room originated from a lone man, whose identity was none other than my own. I was the only human left alive in the cold deathly still room.

In dead silence, I weakly raised my hands up. I wrapped them around the corpse of the now deceased, Adele, on my chest. I embraced her tightly as I desperately held back the uncontrollable trembles that wished to escape my body. I ground my teeth together tightly and held my breath. I forced down the scream of rage, anguish, and turmoil that desired to be released back down my throat. It felt like something had ripped a hole through my throat and body. A violet twister of emotions nearly exploded out and wreaked havoc within every pore of my body.

Instead of releasing my grief out loud and disturbing her peaceful eternal slumber, I held it all in; I bottled it all up. I buried it deep down and locked it all away before I threw away the key. It was the least I could do to not ruin the moment for her who’d only just passed on.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to DIE!

I WANT TO DIE!

I should have saved her.

I shouldn’t have hesitated.

I shouldn’t have over thought things.

I loved her after all.

If not, would it be so painful?

WOULD IT!

AKGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaAa!

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I screamed out inside my head.

Anguish.

Remorse.

Regret.

Turmoil.

Self hatred.

Was that what these emotions felt like?

I was never emotional over things in the real world. I never cried even once for anyone that died before. I typically never felt anything much in recent times. I’d long grown accustomed to the cruel, merciless, unrelenting world around me. I always believed I was just a shell without the capability to truly feel for another from the bottom of my heart. But this… this... hurt too much. Even for a soulless empty hollow shell like me. It was just… t- too much.

Why? Why didn’t I act? Why... did I hesitate?

She was crazy. She was insane. She was definitely... a psychopath. Those were all just excuses. I was a coward. Even if she was all of those things... she was still my first love.

I loved her.

In spite of the fear.

That I held for her.

In my heart.