14. The Doubt

Lace stayed with Tommyn and Haden a little while after the talk with Sage, but she couldn’t enjoy herself. There was too much to consider.

She left, walking into the darkened courtyard of the Lodge. She still had one more night of sleeping in a stable before she would be presented with her room.

What am I going to say to Avon? I hope he won’t think badly of me.

She raised a hand to the sentries on the wall, lit by a crackling brazier. She was about to ask to be let out through the closed gate when she heard their raised voices.

And saw their faces.

Counter and Excelerate, the former slowly circling the other like a starved wolf.

“You know what you’ve done,” Counter said. “Might as well have spat on his grave.”

“I gave her what she wanted,” Excelerate said with a shrug. “You think you’re doing her any favors?”

“What she wanted? She doesn’t know what she wants! She doesn’t know what it’s like! That’s why Gale wanted to protect her from this life!”

Gale. They’re talking about me!

Lace looked back. No one else was in the courtyard.

I should walk back inside, or at least announce myself.

“A stupid wish. People die. Nothing he could have done would have prevented that. Lace could trip and crack open her head. She could get a scratch that festers. She could be robbed in the night and gutted like a fish. At least, this way, she’ll be able to do what she loves.”

“It wasn’t your choice to make! No one asked you to step in! One more year and I would have fulfilled my promise. Don’t you think it was hard on me, subjecting her to that? Creator’s sake, she looks just like him, staring up at me with those fucking eyes.”

I can’t walk away from this. I have to know…

Lace stepped off the path and hid behind some bushes in the shadow of the wall, pitch black all around her.

“You talk about it like I should care how you feel,” Excelerate said. He took a canteen out of his robe, uncorked it, and downed a solid mouthful. He gritted his teeth and stowed the canteen away. “You’re a Hero. No part of your job is easy. Don’t act like that earns you any pity.”

“This is just a job to you, then?” Counter asked. “He was our friend. You could at least try your best to keep her alive. I know what happened in Winewater. Doctor told me.”

“He was your friend. Lace is my apprentice. I will teach her how I see fit, unburdened by whatever silly promise you made once upon a time.”

“You’re a sorry bastard, you know that?” Counter growled. “It would be better for Aribel if you retired. You’ve grown old. Apparently, weakness wasn’t the only thing that came with age. You’ve grown cruel, as well.”

“All true,” Excelerate said. He turned to leave, walking towards the stairs leading down from the wall. “But at least I’m still alive.”

Counter ran forward and threw a punch with his right, left hand lighting up with blue energy. He aimed for Excelerate’s head.

The black-clad Hero vanished. Counter’s blow struck air.

In a split second, he was thrown to the ground, Excelerate’s boot against his throat. The energy dispersed into faint trails that snaked up through the air.

“Weaker, huh?” Excelerate asked. “Still strong enough to beat a reject like you.”

“Get off me!” Counter demanded, clawing in vain at Excelerate’s foot.

“Sure.”

Excelerate stepped off the man’s throat, had another sip of his drink, and disappeared once more.

Counter got up and dusted off his clothes, swearing himself red-faced. Lace held her breath as he stormed down off the wall and crossed the courtyard. He didn’t look her way once. He entered the main hall and Lace breathed a deep sigh as soon as the doors closed.

The thoughts she was left with defied explanation.

Counter said that Dad didn’t want me to become a Hero. I mean, he never really encouraged it, but he never forbade it, either. He must be mistaken. Dad would have been proud to see me get this far.

Right?

She waited until the ordinary sentries returned for their rounds. She was let through the gate and she headed straight for The Golden Lion. She stopped partway, thinking.

Maybe I could go visit Mom. Maybe she could…

She shook her head.

Oh, what am I thinking? I don’t need another person telling me how much of a disappointment I am. If she would even let me in, that is.

She continued on her way.

It wasn’t a long walk, and she didn’t have to leave the inner city, so she didn’t fear any muggers.

Excelerate all but confirmed it, though. He spoke as if he knew what Counter was talking about.

So… those were Dad’s wishes all along.

The fires burned low at The Golden Lion, dark gold streaming into the street. There were no guests in the common room when she got in, only Jen cleaning up a bad spill and Avon strumming his lute by the fire.

He looked up when he got in, and his thin-whiskered mustache shivered a little.

“Well, that’s a fancy get-up you’re wearing. Been to a ball or something?”

“Or something,” Lace said. “I was officially inducted into the Heroes’ Guild tonight. I’m an apprentice now.”

“That’s amazing!” Jen said. She threw the rag to the side and caught Lace in a running hug. “I’m so proud of you!”

Lace wrangled her for a moment and managed to squirm out of her hold. “Thank you.”

“I guess we’ve got to show you some more respect from now on. Call you ‘Master Hero’ and start scraping and bowing.”

“Not for a while yet,” Lace said, giggling at the thought. She composed herself and walked up to the innkeeper. “I’ll be staying in the Lodge starting tomorrow, so I’ll be out of your hair. I’m going to be training to become a Hero, so I don’t think…”

“Say no more,” Avon said, holding up a delicate hand. “I’ll get in my niece in to replace you. Actually, I have a bit of an offer for you, if you’re interested. Even a Hero-to-be needs coin.”

He was right, of course. Lace didn’t have a copper to her name.

“Tell me.”

“I was thinking. You’ll be busy with Hero work, but I’d bet you’ll have nights off. You could come in during the evenings, whenever you’ve got the time. Show off your Power a bit, talk to the patrons. It’ll give the place a little…” He pursed his lips. “Officiality, if you will. I’ll pay you for your time, of course. By the hour.”

“That… sounds really great, actually,” Lace said. She allowed herself a smile. “It’ll be nice to be able to come back here.”

“And if you ever need a stable to sleep in, you know where to find it,” Avon said with a nod. “Never thought I’d see the day. A Hero working under my roof.”

“Apprentice. I’m not a Hero yet.”

“Same difference.”

“You look tired,” Jen said, putting a hand on Lace’s arm. “Maybe you ought to get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” Lace said, unable to hide her weariness. “I guess so.”

She went into the stable through the back. Blissfully, Jen and Avon bid her goodnight and left her alone.

She fell back against the wall as soon as she was out of sight. With the silence came all the thoughts she had been trying to repress.

You mustn't become a Hero.

Gale never wanted you to be a Hero.

You could have been one of mine.

She put her face in her hands, slowly sinking to the ground.

“No, no, no…” Lace mumbled. “This can’t be it. This is wrong, I… I’ve worked so hard for this. I did the right thing. Dad would have been proud of me.”

The wind howled in through the cracks in the door, set stray bits of hay fluttering and got the three horses all worked up in their stalls, neighing and snorting. One of them reared up, kicking with its front legs.

Lace was at the center of it all. She curled up tight, arms clutching her legs. Her breathing quickened out of control.

I only got in through luck. If it wasn’t for Excelerate, I would have missed my chance forever.

Not luck. A mistake. I should never have been accepted. No one wants me there. Excelerate only took me on as another body for him to work through.

Even Kiren wishes he could have someone else. I’m only ever a liability to him.

If it wasn’t for me, Dad wouldn’t have risked his life on That Day. He could have played it safe.

If it wasn’t for me, Mom wouldn’t have gotten hooked on that stuff. She wouldn’t be so miserable.

Lace stood and went over the big chest of tools that sat in one corner of the stable. She dug through the shovels and rakes until she found a decent sized knife.

She held it up for a moment, letting her eyes wander over the blade. She pushed her index finger against it and slid downward. It drew blood. Sharp enough.

She breathed heavily. There was a pressure building inside of her skull, throbbing against her temples. It needed to be let out.

Why would anyone need me? I can’t be a Hero—I can’t even save myself.

Lace sat down atop the chest and brought up the knife.

She held out a chunk of her hair and started cutting.

No. They’re wrong. They’re all wrong. I’ll be a Hero. That’s my destiny. It must be.

As she cut away at her hair, the wind eventually stilled. She was left panting on top of the tool chest, piles of brown hair all around her.

I’ll prove them all wrong, and they’ll be sorry they doubted me.