Valle

It had been a wild day, that one. Between seeing Estella once again,Carr interrupting the king, him seemingly knowing the man, the amount of strange weapons they seemed to possess…it was all almost too much. But nothing is too much for me. Still, this came close. After everyone had gone to bed—we were given quarters in the governor’s house—I decided to roam the island by myself at night. Foolishness, this, I thought, walking across the island. We were not officially allied yet, and a king should know better than to walk by himself at night in a strange country. Especially when they have strange weapons and my stats do not work here.

My compromise was to look at the ocean from the back of the governor’s house. It was far enough away from the rest of the city that there was hardly a sound there, and yet close enough to feel safe. The ocean was beautiful here. It reminded me a lot of being atop the villa in Cresna, watching the water. Which is why it hardly surprised me when she sat down beside me on the same rock I had chosen, as casually as if we had agreed to this meeting.

“Crazy times we live in,” Estella muttered, handing me a glass filled with a clear liquid. “Rum,” she clarified. “Your favorite.”

“Thank you.” She looked different than earlier today, as I knew she would, wearing a thin white dress well-suited for this hot, humid atmosphere, and as quiet as the night itself. “Many years I have known you, and many more years will pass…and every time I will be surprised the way you change when we’re alone. My friends were quite shocked to see how you behaved.”

Estella chuckled, then puffed her cheeks as if offended. “It is not as though it’s an act. The more people around me, the more energetic I feel. Even just one person is enough to make me feel energized.”

“You seem quiet around me, though.” Always have been. “What is the difference, my lady?”

She smirked at me, and against my better judgement I found myself thinking about how beautiful she was. That is not a thought for me to have anymore. “It feels rude,” she said quietly, “to interrupt your serenity. Even when we were kids, the way you would gaze at the night sky and swear to yourself that you would make Cresna an even more beautiful place to live...do you know how much it meant for me?” Estella shifted around on the rock, coming closer to me. “I was just a child when my father was banished. We came to Cresna, and at first I expected to get more than a few funny looks thanks to this”—she tappede at her ears, ever so slightly pointy—“but you did not allow that to happen. Then, I expected to get bored with that little backwater city in the middle of nowhere…but damn if you didn’t make every day interesting. It was worth staying up late just to see that glint in your eye when you thought of how Cresna would be in the future.”

There was a long silence.

“How close is it to your vision, King Valle?” Her voice was gently, almost ashamed. “Is it everything you dreamed?”

“And more.” My wildest dreams could not have predicted what it became. “The people worked hard. We have an amazing theatre company there now—I studied there, you know—and their shows have no fear of being upstaged by even Arcadia’s. Old Marco turned that old dusty kitchen into a restaurant known throughout the empire, you know? Nobles would come from Arcadia, Londres, everywhere just to have a taste of his cooking.”

“No way! The same one who made that—”

“—Lobster you liked? Yes.”

Her smile widened and she threw her arms up in the air in celebration. May I burn in hell, she is beautiful. “That is fantastic! He deserves that so much, no one worked harder than he did. Wow.” She shook her head, still grinning. “Things really turned out like you hoped.”

“Not everything,” I replied. Shouldn’t have said that. But it was true. “Not everything,” I muttered again.

This near silence stretched for a long while. Near, because every few seconds one of us would open our mouth and make a sound, but the attempt would stop there. So much we wanted to say, so long we had waited—and now everything felt like it wouldn’t come out. It’s been a while since I felt this indecisive. Duelling against Johan had not made me second-guess my every move so much.

“I’m sorry,” Estella said softly. There was shame in her voice, but not regret. “For leaving.” Another pause. “And not—and not telling you properly.” There was some regret here. “I was just afraid that if I talked to you, that you would have convinced me to stay.”

I turned to look at her. “Would you have?” My voice was softer than I remembered it being. “If I had looked you in the eye and asked you to stay, would you have?”

“I think so. That’s what I was afraid of. I would have stayed…but I would have missed Razil every day. Would have wondered how things would have been different if I had gone. Every time I looked out the window and imagined the land across the ocean, every time I had a bad day and wondered if I would be happier in Razil…I would have blamed you.” She looked me in the eye. Her smile was gone, and there was a sad concern there. “I didn’t want to hate you, Valle. Not ever. That scared me more than anything. So I selfishly just left you with a note, a present”—my hand fell to my sword instinctively—“and hoped you wouldn’t hate me too much.” She looked at me hesitantly. “Did you? Do you?”

Many answers would have worked here and I decided against them all. Over the years there were many smooth lines I had picked, many ways of answering the sharpest of questions without saying much at all. But this was Estella. She deserved better. Even if it hurts to say it—to admit it. Aloud or to myself. “I did.”

Even in that humid place, the night breeze bouncing off the ocean still felt quite chilly. Her eyes twitched for a moment, and I knew mine had too. “I see.” The hurt in her voice was plain. “I’m sorry.”

“But not forever. Not always.” My hand reached for the back of my neck, as if scratching it would make it easier to put this into words. “I really admired you when we were younger. You were the most beautiful, amazing person I had ever met. I dreamed of being as good a swordsman as you were…no, I don’t even think my dreams reached that far. I just wanted to be good enough to be by your side and not look pathetic. In my dreams, we ruled Cresna together—we watched it prosper. We—you—” I stopped. I have been trying to look mighty and impressive for years now, I thought, this is the first time I have allowed myself to sound this…vulnerable. It felt scary.

Estella leaned closer still. “Please,” she muttered, and she was now so close I could feel her breath against my shoulder. “I want to know what you dreamed of.”

Her voice shook slightly, and this gave me the resolve needed to continue. It matters to her, so I will say it. Nothing else matters. “You would go on to step into the arena to earn your world title, breathing heavily and nervous, then spot your loving husband in the stands. He would look you in the eye, and you two would feel as though you were up in the rooftops of that villa, swimming together and looking at the stars. You would win the title, and he would feel like the luckiest man alive, so proud of you.

“Later that night, you and your husband would dance together under the moonlight, mayhap after a few cups of wine, you would swim together in that body of water near the villa that was so special to you as kids. You would come watch him in the theatre, the star of the show, drawing attention from everyone from across the Empire—no, even beyond! Even those from Razil would brave the cruel ocean just to see this amazing actor who could drive them to tears with a flourish of his sword. And you would feel proud of being his wife as well.”

The ocean breeze was fresh, and the air cool on our faces. It had been a long time since I’d felt anything but heat in this country; it made me feel as though we were younger again. The sea stretched out before us as far as we could see, blue-green waves rolling against white sand, and I wondered if there was a place, somewhere, somewhen, beyond those waves where our dreams could have been true.

“I would have liked to live in your dream,” Estella muttered. She still huddled close to me, but now she buried her face in her arms. It was better if neither of us saw each other’s faces. “If I could go back, I—maybe I would have preferred that.”

“Me too.” Wind could be as melodic as a bard in nights like these, blowing softly against rock and singing a heartfelt tune. “Maybe I would. But we can’t turn time back anymore than we can stop the world from spinning. Things go on.” I drew a deep breath. “Things went on when you left.”

The ocean was beautiful that night. “What did you do after I left?” Estella muttered.

“I was really angry at you. Thought you left because you thought you were better than us, better than me, that you looked down on us”—I shook my head—“that’s what I tried convincing myself of, anyway. It was easier to deal with it that way.” Gods, I was young. It sounds so childish when I think of it. “So I started working hard. That competitive spirit in me, that desire to be the best—that fire that died out when I met you? It came back. Just a little. Just enough to make me wish I could defeat you one day. But I knew it was a childish dream, even then. Remember the rule—someone with weaker Swordsmanship can never hope to defeat someone with a higher amount. Kept honing my skills, even though it hardly mattered. Got a thrill out of lowering my Swordsmanship and fighting against people on an even level—but I heard you became world champion around the same time.”

It was her turn to draw a deep breath. “You did quite well for yourself, though. Around the time I became World Champion I heard you became Champion of Cresna, that you managed to save the city during the war and even got it province status.” She chuckled lightly. “I remember being shocked…hearing that the innocent boy I used to love beneath the stars ended up doing what he was always vowing to do when he grew up. He really—he really made Cresna into a beautiful city, armed with nothing but fencing and theatre.”

“Love,” I muttered. “Just love.”

Her eyes escaped her arms for a moment to look at me. They were red. “Love for fencing, love for theatre, love for my city.” There was a fourth love we both knew should be left unspoken. “Passion has always been my guiding light. I don’t know if my path is the right one, but my loves have always been the bricks that pave my way toward my goals. Be it Cresna or some other ambition—I always entrusted it to my passions. It feels more than simply good to find a way to get to your goals like this. It feels right. When you dream of something and managed to reach it your way, it just feels—it just feels like it is meant to be. Like you are meant to be. Like you belong in this world.”

I withdrew the blade she gave me. “It’s why I can act so proud,” I admitted. “It’s not because of how strong I am. It’s because everything I have ever wanted, everything I have ever earned, I did it with my passions. And this reinforces me belief that Valle, the Champion of Cresna is a man to rely on.” The sound of that sentence made me smile. “I like it more,” I said, quietly. “Champion of Cresna. I like it more than king.”

There was a hesitant silence. A short distance away, a group of sailors were laughing loudly over their drinks. One of them whistled through his teeth, causing another sailor to slap him upside the head. Their laughter echoed faintly against the rocks, until they faded into the city and we were once again left alone. “Did you ever stop hating me?” she asked softly.

“Of course I did. I could never stay mad at you.” I had not meant for my voice to come off this soft. “At some point, I realized I wasn’t dreaming of becoming a better swordsman just because I wanted to show you up. Deep inside…those embers had never gone out. Valle of Cresna always dreamed of being the greatest swordsman alive, you know?” I grinned at her. “Couldn’t hate you then. Never did, really. Just tried to convince myself…will myself into feeling something other than…sadness. That you were gone.”

She shifted her gaze to the ocean. “I was sad that you were gone too,” Estella muttered. “Wondered what life was like across the ocean. Felt like I needed to know no matter what. But”—she let out a sad laugh then—“it wasn’t like what I dreamed of. Leaving Cresna, getting to live in my hometown again…I felt like a stranger here. Like I didn’t quite belong anymore. Cresna was more my hometown than Razil. I traveled around the Empire, I fought in many tournaments, but—shit.” Her voice cracked just a little at the end. We both pretended it didn’t happen. “What the fuck did that title even matter,” she muttered, “when I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with?”

I didn’t have a response to that.

“Did you ever think of me?” Estella asked. “When you weren’t—when we weren’t together?”

The moonlit ocean was calm, and the wind blew from behind us. I could see the waves breaking on the sandy shoreline, their sound bringing a smile out of me for reasons I did not know. “A lot.” This was not the dignified answer of a king. It was not even the proud answer of a champion. But it was mine. “Sometimes I’d remember…you used to talk about moving east, if you couldn’t return to Razil. Find a less cloudy place, one with better food, fancier clothes, tastier wine…you used to say that a lot. So I would stop, remember how long ago it was…and think how it wouldn’t surprise me if there was a beautiful ring on your hand by then. Why, it was possible you even had a child by then! Mayhap I would have known—you were the World Champion after all—but it was entirely feasible you kept it secret, many famous champions did. I would imagine what kind of manor or castle you were living in, as World Champion. If it was everything you always dreamed of. And that’s when I would tell myself to forget it.”

“Ah. That…that makes sense.”

But it wasn’t everything. I could leave it here. I should stop here. I am the King of Cresna, I need to—

“But sometimes,” I found myself saying, “on rainy nights, with a glass of rum in hand, I would glance out the window, watching the droplets crash against the glass, look at my reflection and wonder what was missing. And before other thoughts could come over me, a single loud one would take over.” So many times. “I would wonder if you ever looked outside like that too. If when you were drinking, you would ever find yourself thinking about that boy from Cresna you used to fancy.”

Estella made an effort to hide her face from me. “I did,” she muttered quietly. “More times than I can imagine. Every time things got difficult, whenever I felt alone—I thought of you.”

“We should have known better,” I said slowly. “Back then.”

We were atop the villa in Cresna, after an intense day in the arena. Both of us had won our matches, her splendidly, and me dramatically. Estella and I took turns swinging that bottle of rum, and before long our clothes were gone, we were swimming, we were dancing, and were whispering in each other’s ears. “Let’s do this forever,” I had told her.

She kissed me in response. “Forever and ever.”

“We were stupid and young then,” I laughed.

Estella made a sound. “We still are,” she said quietly. “We still are young and stupid.”

She was right. If she wasn’t, this wouldn’t be so hard. I sighed, and it was here that my voice attempted to crack, but I refused to let it win. “I still remember the things you loved back then. You loved swimming in our special place together, trying out rum with me, reading books together. Six winters of rum and love under the moonlight…” I barked a laugh. “I imagine your father is quite proud of everything you accomplished. He was never quite my biggest admirer.”

“That he was not,” she laughed. “Still isn’t, most likely.”

My gaze turned to the glass of rum she had given me earlier. I had not yet touched it. “What I was saying before…” Here my voice trailed off and I turned the cup upside down, finishing it in one go. And I looked her in the eye. “Sometimes I would be sitting by a window, looking at the rain…and wonder if you ever thought of that boy from Cresna you used to fancy. And if it ever made you sad to realize that was five winters ago.”

“I did,” she replied. “And it does.”

Slowly, hesitantly, she placed her arms around my neck and looked me in the eye. God, her eyes are beautiful. To hell with my crown. To hell with my position. To hell with Cresna. Right then, nothing seemed to matter, and when she closed her eyes and leaned closer, I thought myself powerless. But something took over me then, a stronger version of me, and it gently pushed her away.

“I can’t,” I muttered.

Estella nodded sadly. “Because of Cresna?”

It would have been easy to agree. To blame it all on my responsibilities, to be faultless. It would have hurt her less. It would have hurt me less. But it wasn’t right. This had gone on for too long. Five winters too many. My gaze never left her eyes. “No.”

She flinched, more in surprise than hurt.

“I loved you, Estella. More than I knew I could love someone. And there is a part of me that wonders if there is a world where that dream of ours takes place. But this isn’t that world.” I had to be strong about this. Heavens, please, let me do this right. “Just loving someone isn’t enough. There’s just so much we can’t agree on…” Other memories rushed in. Our disagreements, our fights, the different futures we dreamed of for the two of us. “We should stop relying on those memories. Just let them rest.”

Estella studied me for just a minute. “Princess Nevada,” she said slowly, “do you love her?”

I don’t know her enough, I thought. We also disagree on much, I thought. We haven’t tried working things out yet. I haven’t told her how much Cresna means to me. Not really. “I do,” I said, sincerely. “I don’t know much about her. It might not work out. But I swore myself to her and her to me.” There was a pause here, and I thought of the time I spent with her. Of the way she smiled. “It’s not just a political obligation,” I told her firmly.

“I see.” She stood up and stretched her arms above her head. “Never thought you would be the one to break my heart.”

Memories of our childhood came rushing in. “Trust me. Me neither.”

“I will see you tomorrow, Valle,” Estella said, as she took a few steps away from me. Then, suddenly, she stopped and added, “And goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

I stayed alone on that rock for a long time. It was dark and quiet, outside and inside. Ah…can’t believe I really did that. It was the right thing to do, it was the mature thing to do, but dear lord I had not wanted it done. How many years has it been since I wanted tears to fall from my eyes so badly? There was little I wanted to do less than to be alone at that moment, but it would not do to see Nevada right now. Not because she wouldn’t be supportive—but because I knew it would hurt her confidence. That silly woman, she doesn’t underestand how much I like her.That thought brought a smile to my face. I should let her sleep.

But I really didn’t want to stay alone with my own thoughts. Not for a while. Well, if there isn’t a good choice I should just get some sleep. I ought to—

Despite my intentions of walking back to my room, I instead found myself knocking on Carr’s door. “Hey man, what’s up?” he asked, appearing fully awake. His face of confusion turned to surprise. “What’s wrong, dude—you look like shit.” When he noticed I did not respond, surprise turned to concern. “What’s wrong?” he repeated, this time in a lower, more serious tone.

“Honestly, nothing,” I told him frankly. “Can you come drink with me?”

I expected some mockery about how I looked, some pointed question about what was the source of my misery, even some ill-mannered, if good-intentioned joke about the red around my eyes. Instead, without another word, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, shut the door behind him and said, “Of course, man.”

He didn’t ask a single question that night.

I told him everything anyway.