Doom Card: You Will Be Fat Until You Die

75% of us are overweight. Also, that number climbs every year, so if you’re not fat yet, give it a minute.

It gets worse. Over 97% of people on a diet end up fatter than ever after 3 years. So, once you switch to team fat, there’s statistically no going back. Struggling just makes you heavier.

How did we get here? Obviously, we have a communal problem. It’s not just some of us getting fat. Whether it’s sedentary jobs, or the corn syrup stuffed in everything, or the micro-teflon chugging through our bloodstream, something is happening to all of us.

That said, our current solutions to the obesity epidemic are all about personal responsibility. The weight loss industry has a plethora of temporary fixes, but when they inevitably fail, it’s your fault for giving up, you loser.

So yeah, fuck those guys. We clearly need a communal solution to our communal problem. Let’s spend some tax dollars to definitively figure out what’s making us fat. If it’s an additive - like corn syrup or teflon - we fucking ban it. And if it’s something we can’t ban - like chairs or phones - we spend more tax dollars until we get a pill or a vaccine or something. If that sounds crazy, go on another diet. We can wait 3 more years for you to come around.

In the meantime, if you can’t lose weight, you can still feel good. Healthy food and exercise are still good for you, and can make you feel amazing. That and a good night’s sleep are better than most drugs. You may be fat until you die, but you don’t have to spend your whole life tired and achy. Also, if you’re already fat, you may as well be strong and fat. It’s way more fun.

Lastly, does being fat mean you’re gross and weak? Do we still believe that? Now that we know firsthand how easy it happens and how temporary the fixes are? Even after we’ve loved and fucked chubby people? Is it not time to show a little compassion to each other? To ourselves?

Attraction isn't just about biology. Sure people are horny, but they're also lonely, scared, and vulnerable. You can get well oiled by being kind, unbothered by weirdness, and fun in the sac.

So let's get strong, vote to fund research, and love each other as we are.