Chapter 18

“Congratulations, you just won a lifetime supply of instant coffee!”

“Now, if only you could sign here on the dotted line to receive the prize.”

“Oh, ignore the part about selling your soul, it's not a big deal anyway. These days, is there anyone who hasn't already sold their soul one way or another?”

“Do you even believe in that nonsense anyway? It's just my boss being weird.”

Hey, in my defence, it was good coffee.

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I stared hard at the grey screen before me. I liked to think that my stare, full of incredulity and fury, was making the screen shake, but it was obviously the pre-programmed interface that caused that. So now we are going for noir, film grain and old tv static look?

It was a mess, but it wasn't what annoyed me so much.

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Finally grow a spine - 7499.9 kg biomass (Limited Time Sale - 25% Discount)

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I had about tree fiddy. Okay, I had even less than that - I had 0,001 kg.

Just when you think you have outsmarted this shitty system, it comes up with new ways to torture you.

To even start to explain what has been going on, let's take a small step ‘back to the future’.

I really need to keep these references in check…

-Few days prior-

Slowly, my thoughts returned. It didn't feel like waking up. No, it felt more like you’d tuned out at one point and now someone poked your side to see if you are still following the conversation. The last thing I remembered, was darkness enveloping me after I avoided that silly system trap. I would have snorted at that if I had a mouth. Did they really expect me not to notice the obvious ‘Plant’ choice on that list? As if I will ever go back to not being able to control myself. You can't trust anyone these days. Well okay, scratch that, Kevin seems like a good pal, and, until now, Susan has been a good sport at working as my community manager. I guess that means I have at least two - People? Persons? Beings that are on friendly term with me? Yes, I'm aware that we are kind of sharing a body, but it's on the ‘things I will need to fix in the future’ list. Right now, I need to survive long enough to get to that.

Speaking of surviving - where the heck am I? It's quite dark here, I can't even see my fingers… Self-deprecating jokes for the win! The mute guy told the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water.

Enough jokes

“Open status.”

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-Name: ??? -name not selected

-Race: Mutated multicellular organism

-Title: ‘NULL’

-Age: ‘STRING OVERLAP’

-Energy: 78/100

/System skills:

-Inventory

-Evolve

-Suicide - (Currently active)

/Current evolutions:

-‘NULL’

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“Um… disable suicide?”

It doesn't work, it's still active. Is it stuck? Crap, I don't want to die right now.

Wait… I don't? Yes, I don't! Then, is it bugged? Maybe it's broken. Hey, as long as it stays that way, I'm fine.

On a side note, where did R&D, Crafting and Mods go?

“Open evolve”

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/Skin shop:

-luminescence ($1 kg biomass):

$Puke green

$Neon (I just murdered people) red

$Emo black

$Shit brown

$Dirty laundry white

$...

-Body patterns ($1 kg biomass):

$Slutty butterfly

$Chinese hieroglyphs for bread

$’No ragrets’

$Badly drawn lion

$Incoming lawsuit mouse

$’Omelette au fromage’

$...

/Available evolution paths:

-Finally grow a spine - 7499.9 kg biomass (Limited Time Sale - 25% Discount)

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Huh… So anyway, it seems my system clock has stopped functioning. Not to mention the emptiness in the Title part. Did I lose everything including my mods? Nah, I don't think so. I can still feel something going on inside me. Should mean I still have my primitive sensory systems. Still, something is different, I just can't put my finger on it. “What's that, Kevin? Bobs?”

Noooo! Where are my Bobs, I can't feel any! I need to look for them!

I activated my thrusters and went up. It didn't take long to reach the first obstacle in my search as my multicellular body shuddered from the impact. There was something covering the top side of the water. Is that ice? Must be winter outside. How much does cold affect me anyway? Okay, no time to think, I need to search! Choose a side and go!

I feel like I'm missing something important. The feeling keeps growing stronger.

“Kowalsk..Kevin analysis!”

“Stop snickering and just tell me what's wrong!”

Oh… Multicellular organism… I'm not dumb! Mother says I'm special! Shaddup, stop laughing!

Another impact shook me.

Am I really this close to the side? Last I remember, I was in the middle of the pond. Well, now that I know what's up, I don't need to rush anymore. My energy is getting low, however, if I take it slow from now, I should be fine. I need to be careful though, if I'm this close to the side, I might accidentally leave the water. I'm not sure if my new state can survive outside it. Let's just slowly float to the middle for a few hours and figure things out in the meantime.

-10 minutes later-

Oh no, this is bad! Is the water already this shallow? I already reached the other side, so I tried going down and, lo and behold, I reached the bottom just as fast.

“Okay, I don't have time for any elaborate plans anymore. Operation ‘Panama’ starts now!”

“No Susan, I'm tired of being trapped. I'm tired of not being in control! If I must die, I will do so on my terms! I don't care if the plan is borderline insane, the best plans always are.”

I activated my inventory digging powers and rammed my body into the pondside. It was time to dig myself out of this prison. If luck is with me, I will find another body of water. If not, well, I already beat the main game, this is just a shitty DLC.