Chapter 28

Hmm, there are some quick decisions to be made. I don’t have a clock, so I don’t precisely know the countdown for the system maintenance, and the headaches didn’t help with keeping time. Time, in general, is a lot of guesswork on my part since the system bugged out that part.

That being said, do I stay down here or rush for the surface? Do I upgrade now or wait for the new patch to come in? Maybe it would give me more options to choose from. I did gain a new molecule to experiment with. Scratch that, I got 2 of them. Apparently, they are called ‘vespene gas’. For a moment there, something surfaced from my memories, but it was gone by the time I could focus on it.

Right, I’ll just stay low and wait for the update. Need to find a safe spot until then as my main weapon will be disabled. I check my surroundings – I’m inside a comparatively huge crater. As always my inventor lacks the intelligence to distinguish between what I want inside and what is collateral damage. I’m just happy I get the power to aim its size and direction, else I would have never got past the cell stage. I reach the top of the hill and the ‘greynery’ is revealed – undisturbed by our fight to the death. Directing myself to the closest cluster of kelp, I dig myself a cosy cave and fill in the entrance behind me, leaving just enough open for me to watch the swaying sargassum.

If only my botany teacher would see me now. Using all these highly specific names for what I’d like to call seagrass. I don’t even know the difference between any of them. Am I even on Earth? They are probably called sldgkjsfg in the native language, so I’ll just mix it up, so I don’t have to be “plant this”, “plant that”.

…

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/System message:

-Maintenance period started.

-Estimated downtime ~10 min

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Well, that’s not that bad. I was scared for a moment that it would be something stupid like 3 billion years, or till the heat death of the universe. Maybe I’m being pessimistic and nobody is actually out there trying to mess with me. They are just trying their best, but coming off as an asshole to everyone else. Yeah…no.

It took 20 minutes for the system to boot up again. I know, I counted.

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/System message:

-Version for the pre-Alpha server updated to V0.42

-Due to crowd demand, we’re reintroducing ‘Titles’ from the Alpha server.

-Class and level system are now available, ask for ‘class’ to be given one based on your compatibility.

-New skin shop items available:

$Hairstyles

$Boot styles

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Hey, we finally got le…

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/System message:

-Due to the player’s efforts, he has been granted the following titles:

$Necrophile

$Puppet master

$Thor’s little bitch

-Reminder to all players that while the (?!,();!? corporation won’t deny any player’s access to certain fetishes, we still need to point out that some of you are sick, sick bastards.

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Alright, don’t fucking pretend that wasn’t aimed at me! Your mom’s a Necrophile! Come, I promise I will only follow my fetishes while I desecrate your corpse to my heart’s content.

Ugh, one day, I’ll kill whoever came up with this. Now, what did it say about classes? Hope they are more useful than the titles.

“Acquire class”

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/Class acquisition in progress:

-Scanning player’s data

-Searching for compatible Player Class.

/Class acquired:

-The player is now LVL 1 Bard

-Special class skill ‘Musician’s soul’ acquired

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A bard? But I don’t even know the music notation, and the last poem I wrote was in 5th-grade literature. Scratch that, I didn’t even write it; stole it from a fantasy book. Can I, at least, know what my skill does?

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-Musician’s soul – Increases the overall quality of all music pieces created.

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Fucking useless, is what it is. How is that going to help right now? I’m sure I can use my non-existent vocal cords to impress the local barnacles. Together, we will raise an army the likes no one has seen before! As thanks for this opportunity, let me sing you a song of my people:

“Fuck off, if you think I’m a punk,

Your face looks like an elephant’s cunt.

Fuck off, if you think I’m crass,

You can just shut-the-fuck-up and wipe my ass.

Fuck off and without any reason,

I hope you get butt fucked in prison”

I stole about 50% of that one, but I’m sure you’ll be glad that I made some changes for you.

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/Level Up!

-Bard LVL 2 reached!

-Increased effectiveness of all Bard skills

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That’s it, I’m done with this Bard crap. From all the useful classes I could have got, I’m stuck with this. Wait...

“Change class!”

Nothing happened, well, it was worth a try. I’ll try to focus on things that really matter – using my newly unlocked resource to increase my chance of survival. I love the feeling of growing stronger, overcoming my obstacles, and, most of all, I love destroying an enemy that was too strong for me just a while ago. It’s the only reason I even tried to climb the game ladders. I’m mostly a story over gameplay guy myself.

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-Purchased ‘Advanced defence system’

/Notice:

-Player may choose from the following upgrades:

$Skin cancer

$Bone cancer

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I want to cry, but the tears aren’t coming.

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/Notice:

-Warning, choice required. If nothing selected in 30 seconds. The upgrade materials will be lost.

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Fuck.