"You made a wrong turn, ladies. Get the fuck out!"

A cranky old woman waves a stick at us as our group wanders into 'The Furious Stallion'.

Holy hells, my danger sense even leapt through the roof. She is white haired and with a gnarled appearance and tanned brown skin. Is the old lady a secret badass?

Even Aria shirks back somewhat next to me.

We split up from Yuuzu, Kali and Kurono to come here at Kiku's desire; but wow... this place is kind of a dive.

It's strangely meticulously clean... but the outside looked like it was about to fall down, and it's one of those pubs I recognise as a British guy that one does not enter unless one is associated with a local. The glares from the regulars at the bar that could melt steel attest to that. An angry cat also hisses from a shelf. Customer service isn't the number one concern in a place like this...

Fortunately, brave Kiku leaps in to tank for us as usual.

"Um... Excuse me..." She starts to ask, gulping herself, but showing some steely resolve in her big green eyes.

"The fuck? You harder of hearing than I am? I told you to leave, girl! Begone!" The old woman interrupts, firmly grabbing the stick in a stance with both hands. She clearly doesn't need it to stand.

Holy shit... it's a sword cane!?

But Kiku remains firm, somehow, despite the fact I'm sure the rest of us feel like pissing ourselves.

"Are you… Violet?!" Kiku asks.

The old woman continues to glare, but her stance drops and the cane clicks back on the floor.

"Do I know you? I fucking don't know any little green haired bitches. And don't you dare claim to be me granddaughter as well!"

Kiku shakes her head and responds. Is she quivering?

"You don't know me. But you know my master, Celia Florents."

The old woman, Violet, stops ranting.

"Your... master...? Celia... took a damn student? What the shit? You're lying! Who told you to..."

"Um... When the horse brays, it does so wishing for a..."

"...A finer day than this."

The old woman finishes her sentence. Is this like a spy code between chefs? Weird.

"Well consider me fucked. Except I couldn't give it away these days." She cackles.

Her entire demeanour changes. My danger sense relaxes somewhat.

"You... you're barely fucking ten or something." The old woman says.

"Eh wot!? I... I'm thirteen." Kiku exclaims.

"Same difference."

Violet cackles again, snatches up Kiku's gauntleted hand, and sniffs it suspiciously. Kiku looks aghast.

"Hmm... maybe I was mildly rude. You're a sapling... but you can handle a blade..." she says, nodding slightly.

Mildly rude? I wonder what she considers very rude. How can you even tell battle prowess from sniffing a hand?

I yelp slightly as she squints at me suddenly.

"This your husband? Your hands are already all for him, right?"

"Eh wot!?! Um... I!" Kiku cries out, blushing as red as blood.

The old woman snorts, shakes her head and shuffles up to me. She gives the appearance of being infirm, but given the stance earlier, it's probably an act.

Violet grins at me. Scary.

"You better fuck this girl before her legs give out. I know you're a pretty weak mage dude or something, but don't be a pussy, that's what she's for." She says, deadpan.

What the! What!

I gape.

Aria has gained dot eyes and there is an uncomfortable silence of death all around me.

Violet snorts again as she looks over the other girls.

"Ah... right you are. Well, aren't you a lucky little shit? Don't get your dick in a twist, I think they'd all share." She continues.

I swear that if this were an anime, everyone would fall over in a huge collapse right this second.

The last thing I expected was for a crude old bat to address the elephant in the room.

"Boy... there's so many legs willing to open here, I feel like I'm the madam of a whorehouse! You'll be dead afterwards, but be a man and get on the job already!"

She taps my cheek with a sharp nail as a ghost pours out of me.

All the girls are frozen like me with the appearance of a ripe tomato field.

"Bloody hell! Take turns if you must. You want your pussies to go dryer than mine?" She berates the girls.

She then goes over to vegetable’d Kiku, who has steam coming out her ears and is shaking like a boiling teapot.

"Anyway. So, you can cook, and you wanna cook better? Celia was a dumb bitch in love with herself, crap at teaching..." Violet grimaces.

"But she could cook, so if she taught anyway, you're clearly worth a test at least. I'm putting you all up for two days. No fucking charge."

Well... that's lodging sorted. But what the hell do I even do now?