Assafrass floated through the damp dark hole and suddenly found himself back in the storage bunker he had been imprisoned in way back when, the emptied keg festering with flies and a familiar taxidermied toucan sitting alone on a shelf.

Samwise?

Well clucking look who floated in here through a Plott Hole.

You know about Plott Holes?

There’s a lot I know about, Assafrass. I’ve crossed the life death event whoreizon. But that’s not the point. The point is that, no offense, but you ditched me you clucking asshole. I thought we were going to have so much emotional growth together!

Me too, Samwise. But maybe it’s for the best I’ve not been hauling a dead toucan around pretending I’m talking to them.

You bass turd you don’t mean that.

Yea you’re right I don’t. Wanna tag along?

Sure. Why the hen not. Just set me on your shoulder or something. You know, Assafrass, I’ve seen my fair share of Plott Holes and I think you’ve got another stop ahead of you.

Oh really, Samwise? I thought the popped open top of the festering keg was just sucking me towards it because it was so disgrossting it had collapsed into a black hole of vileness.

That is possible Assafrass that is possible but I doubt it I mean vileness level black holes barely ever occur. The probability of a black hole of vileness ever appearing is almost absolutely nil. And I’m only saying almost because I have to. As a scientist.

I forgot how smart you were, Samwise.

Well don’t forget again you clucking scoundrel.

Assafrass hee hawed and lifted Samwise up onto his shoulder. Then, they both floated into the rancid stank of the keg and were surrounded in shadows.

Quickly, the stank shifted from sticky drizzles of beer to unwashed laundry. And something else. Something spine tingling. Something horrible.

SSHHHHQQKKSHHHQQKKSHHQKK

Oh cock what is that horrible noise, Assafrass mind-sighed.

SHQQKKKHHSHQKSHQKSHQKSHQKKSHQKKSSHQKKK

Samwise please for the love of cock tell me that sound isn’t what I think it is.

SHQKH SHQKHH SHQKH SHQKH SHHHHHQKH

Assafrass I’m not omnipotent I’m just a dead toucan stuffed full of cotton there’s only so much I can tell you.

SSHHQQKH SHQKH SHQQQKKKKKHHHHSHQKHSHQKHH

Samwise I feel like you just don’t want to say what we’re both thinking.

SSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK

Assafrass we both know I can’t truly think. I have no soul. I am but a taxidermied toucan, my friend. All thoughts are yours alone.

SQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQK

Assafrass let loose a soft, shamefull hee haw. They’re clucking, aren’t they?

SHSHSHSHSHQQQKSHQQKKKKKKKSHHHQQQKKKK

I prefer to call it ‘making love.’

Samwise that’s disgrossting. You clucking creep.

SSHQK SHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQKSHQKSHQK

Okay Samwise I really want to know who’s behind these creaking closet doors.

Then float on forward you disgrossting ass voteur.

SQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQK

I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use the word ‘ass’ as an adjective, Samwise. I find it quite offensive.

SSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK SHQKSHQK

Cock hamn! Stop the vitching and go look. I want to see what’s going on too, Assafrass.

SHSHSHSHSHQQQKSHQQKKKKKKKSHHHQQQKKKK

Ugh. Fine. Let me just, let me just push my hoof against this door like so…cock I can’t believe this shit is happening…

CREEEEE

SQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQKSQHKSHQKSHQ

EEEEEEE

Holy clucking hen would you look at that shit.

A young wizard and various giggling women were gyrating under a thick, fuzzy blanket. Every once and a while, seemingly after some sort of odd display of physical affection from one or more of the women, the wizard would change from man to woman and woman to man, sometimes back and forth in a strobelike fashion. The room glowed with a dark blue hue, shiningly sensual arttwerk glittering over the walls. There was a lot more audible moaning with the door open.

I am clucking disgrossted, hee hawed Assafrass.

Really? Samwise imaginarily thought in surprise. This looks clucking awesome. Honestly, sign me the cluck up.

You’re a nasty bird, Samwise.

Who gives a shit what you think, you ass.

Don’t use what I am as a slur.

Then don’t be one.

You’re the worst.

You’re worse than the worst.

Look, Samwise, you seem to know a surprising lot about Plott holes for some reason. Can you please help me figure out what in the clucking hen I have to do to get out of this henhole? Or fill the hole up or whatever it is?

Assafrass you’ve got to at least be a little embarassed to be asking for me to help you fill this hole up.

I am okay cluck’s sake just help me cock hamn I know I ditched you but I’m just a clucking ass I mean cock hamn what else do you want from me?!

Well, you’re shit out of luck, chuppy. I have no clucking clue what to do and I have no intention of being any cockhamned help to you.

Assafrass vibrated with rage, kicking his donkey legs around wildly like some kind of floating four legged animal, eventually knocking a singular wooden clog out of the closet and into the air. This clog soared through the buffeting, musky winds and—

THWUMP

—thwumped itself into the temple of the wizard, who was currently a man. The wizard tumbled out of the bed, knocking a couple women onto the floor with him in a stupor.

“Krumbunckie, are you okay?” whined a woman with perky titties.

“I don’t know…I magic like…I’ve…forgotten something important…”

“I hope it’s not how to cluck!” vitched a woman with jiggly titties.

Assafrass barely had time to hee haw before the winds of the Plott Hole wrapped around him like a pulsing vice and pulled him and Samwise back through the closet, out of the keg, into the shadows and back into the foggy mist of nothingness where his animals waited impatiently for him.

Holy shit, Assafrass gasped, spinning around in the air in nauseating shock.

Whay dao youa havae a baird oan yoau naow?

It’s a long story, Assafrass guarded himself, glaring at Michael, Angela and the Janelle with his stupid donkey eyeballs. But for some reason I have a distinct magicing my entire experience, as visceral and jarring as it was, that my whole entire experience of the Plott Hole could, can and will remain untold as I don’t think there’s any valuable information that could be gleamed from it. Seriously. It was pointless. I promise none of you want to know what I just went through. I promise.

You clucking asshole, Angela vitched, Err, pardon me, didn’t mean to be figoted…still, you ought to know saying all that shit only makes us want to know even more.

Well, if I tell you, you’ll be disappointed. Whereas if I don’t you’ll always wonder.

The Janelle backhanded Assafrass in his slobbering face. Then, he told his companions what happened. They were disappointed. As soon as he finished, they all felt spacetime tighten around them like a pulsing film of cellophane. A gushing wind pushed them out through the Plott Hole as it sealed tight and all of their farts, even the Janelle’s fart, which was not a fart at all but instead the idea of a fart, soared down through their chests, into their stomaches, through their instestines, out their asses, up and around their bodies, back into their mouths, down their esophagi, through their stomaches and back into the comfortable little chest pockets where farts belonged, with a slight tinge of discomfort from the fact that they had been wrapped around each animal like an overchewed piece of gum.