Sir Broderick, Krumbumbum and Biscuit Pisser stepped out of the doors of the witch’s guild and took long breaths of fresh air.

“That was refreshing as cluck,” sighed Sir Broderick, hopping atop his ass with a smile. There was a towel wrapped over the saucepan on his head.

“Yea,” Biscuit Pisser nodded, looking at her nails, “Those witches really know how to treat a woman right.”

“I’ll say!” Pamela walked right up to them with her new, guilded notebook. Green Garey followed behind her, looking emotionally exhausted. “It was great getting to go behind that big metal door of theirs this time, eh, Green Garey.”

Everyone’s eyes grew wide, thinking about how loud Pamela had been back there.

“Aye…am suarrr ye harrd a grearrt time.”

“I did! Do you know they even want to commission some twerk from me?”

“Aye carrn’t imarrgine whaye. Tharrt said, aye quite layke what they did with me hook,” Green Garey inspected his hook hand, which now had flowers braided around it.

“I just can’t get over that light grey peter,” Krumbumbum mused. “He talked to me about his gripes with tax law while his face was split in half! Such magic.”

“So,” Sir Broderick tossed a flask aside, “How ready are we all for this wedding? I need a couple more drinks to get a hood base layer going before I hit the bar.”

“Oh not at all. I barely even know these mothercluckers.”

“Ah’ahym j’juwst g’glayug ah’ kin w’wawulk a’gin,” garbled Frinkles.

“I’m ready,” Pamela smirked, looking at her notebook.

“Yo ho to that!” Green Garey nodded.

“I’m glad you all enjoyed it so much,” a cloud of cigar smoke smothered everyone as Danielle Johnson swathered up and smiled, “Even if ye all did essentially abandon me back there to die in a fire, I’ve always been known to be generous.”

“Generous shmenerous,” Biscuit Pisser scoffed, “You’re just being nice to us because I sold you my timeshare to you!”

“Well Baronness when the timeshare is Danny Dervishes’ timeshare its value rises from nil to…” Biscuit Pisser glared at her and shook her head, “…well, from nil to much less than nil. Much less enough to easily purchase an official title of Baronnesship. Which we all agree is totally a thing and was not another scam you immediately fell into.”

“Cluck off.”

With all these people talking with the insultingness that only comes from comeraderie, Assafrass found himself in pain.

Why the long face, Assafrass? Get it? Because you’re a donkey and your face is long! Hah! I’m too hood!

Samwise? Is that you?

No, it’s the other mean taxidermied toucan talking to you in your mind.

But you disappeared back there on the skytrain.

Hen yes I did. Through a little thing called ‘wanton funneling.’

Excrete me?

It’s real. Look it up sometime, dumbass.

You’re an asshole. And I can say that.

Fair enough.

So how are you mind talking to me if you’re not here?

Well I don’t know I mean how can I talk to you in your mind anyways you know? Why wouldn’t I be able to?

I guess that makes enough sense. So, uh, where’d you end up wanton funneling to?

Oh it’s great. There’s this big velvet couch I’m laying on and all these exotic birds just keep flying over and mating with me. I might as well have died and gone to the chickens. Oh shit one’s coming up to me now. Oooh she’s doing a dance for me. Would you look at those feathers. Oh man. Okay I should probably get—oh wow—I should probably get going. Talk again soon chup!

Well congratu-clucking-lations. You clucking jerk.

Assafrass, though now irritated as hen, found he was also quite soothed to know that Samwise was okay.

The party continued walking through the Caldonian streets, smiling and waving at people that were slightly poorer than themselves. They eventually reached a huge food stand. The enticing smell of fried chicken permeated the air.

“That shit smells so clucking hood,” Biscuit Pisser looked around, smiling at the new employee twerking the stand and watching as their face contorted as they examined her visage. “So where’s Brumhilda?”

“O-oh. I should’ve known, they said you guys like to come by. Brumhilda!”

The earth shook as the massive chicken swung around and stuck her bulging head through an oversized gap in the stand. She wore a large hair net over her comb. She happily pecked at everyone.

“Ow! Owww! Watch it vitch!” Sir Broderick spat.

“S-so,” stuttered the employee, whose pants appeared soiled yet biscuitless, “Wh-what would you like to order?”

Everyone fussed at eachother for a hood five minutes over the most cost effective way of ordering fifty pygmy chicken wings, finally settling on two combos.

“Oh, um,” Krumbumbum stopped the employee and Brumhilda from receding into the depths of the stand, “Can we watch her fry them, please?”

The employee grumbled and swore to themself and whipped out two large metal friers full of oil and raw chicken. “O-okay, Brumhilda, do your thing.”

BU BU BU BUKAWFSHHHHHHHHH

And like that, the chicken was ready to go. Everyone crunched down, pleased. Krumbumbum handed the employee the money, which soon after would turn into a nice pile of mud. They threw two wings to Brumhilda and waved as they headed off on their way to the affluent section of Caldonia, which was guarded by multiple obscure enchantments including one that actually made them look dirtier and uglier than normal due to their poorness relative to most of those who lived there.

***

Werthers stepped out of the oaky stretch carriage into the glowing tropical forests of Outer Caldonia, taking a fresh breath of air and sighing with a smile. It was but five seconds before a shimmering green woman stepped out from the side of a tree.

“Why hello there. You must be Werthers. You look different than the people here.”

Werthers, stunned by her beauty and also her nakedness, could but barely stutter.

She tugged at his pants. “What are these strange fabrics enveloping your person?”

“C-clothes.”

“Wow. I had no idea. Clothes. How novel. Come, let me show you around.”

She spun around and walked dreamily through the forest. As Werthers stiffly trudged forward, he could see other naked green woman staring at him and giggling through bushes and brambles.

She pulled aside a thick hedge to reveal an enormous, mossy castle. “Here is our home, where I was told by the mystical papers that you will be joining us.”

Werthers noted that she was calling mail ‘mystical papers.’

“Why Nymphonia, who is this you’ve brought with you?” a gleeful, womanly voice sent tingles down Werthers spine as a shimmering purple woman who somehow seemed twice as naked as the other one stepped forward, brushing up against him and squeezing his shoulders.

“Why hello there Clitoria. I see you took a break from wrestling to help me introduce this…” Nymphonia looked at Werthers quizzically.

“M-man.”

“Yes…to help me introduce this woman…”

“N-no. Just man. No ‘wo.’”

“No wo?” Clitoria’s eyes engorged.

“N-no wo,” Werthers nodded. “Y-you said you wrestle?”

“Yes. Me and my friends spend days and days just wrestling eachother. I’m very strong. I think I could crush you easily.”

“P-probably.”

Nymphonia and Clitoria led Werthers into the glowing, thronging courtyard of the castle, after which many closed ornamental doors greeted them. There were tons of naked women laying around on fanciful furniture, all with strange shimmering skin.

“The feasting room is over there to the left,” Clitoria pointed a sensual finger.

“We do love to feast,” nodded Nymphonia.

“Some say,” interjected a pink woman who’d cartwheeled out of nowhere, and seemed as impossible as it was the most naked of them all, “we feast too much.”

“Yes, Nubilia” Clitoria nodded, “Some say that.”

“We spend days and days feasting with eachother. You’ll see. I don’t think you’ll be able to handle how much we feast,” Nymphonia added.

“W-well then.”

“Why hello there!” a tourqouise woman that was aggressively naked ran up and hugged Werthers. “Sorry, didn’t mean to be a little too touchy there,” she said as she continued to touch him.

“Sure you didn’t, Vulvia. Sure you didn’t,” chuckled Nubilia.

“I just wanted to be sure this newcomer of ours knew about the master bedroom, which is up that winding staircase to the left,” Vulvia asserted.

“Yes, winding indeed,” nodded Clitoria, “So many steps to climb, it’ll really make your legs sore.”

“Yes,” nodded Nymphonia, “You’ll hardly be able to walk after climbing all those stairs.”

“The real thing about the master bedroom, though,” Nubilia rasied a finger to Werther’s lips, “The thing is, it may be huge and very comfortable, but none of us ever seem to get enough sleep.”

“Oh, yes,” agreed Vulvia, “We spend days and days just sleeping and yet we never really feel quite rested. We’re always tossing and turning and thrusting all night long. Oftentimes even well into the day.”

“Indeed,” Nymphonia stretched her arms up high and yawned, “In fact, I’m feeling quite sleepy now. I could go for a nap right now.”

“As could I,” nodded Clitoria.

“Oh me too,” Vulvia agreed.

“Yes! Yes! Me too,” Nubilia smiled.

This was soon echoed by many of the other women in the courtyard, who started walking over to them in excitement.

“Of course we’ll have to all climb those stairs, our legs are going to hurt so much,” sighed Nymphonia, “We may need to massage some lotion on eachother to help soothe our muscles. You’ll surely need one, Werthers, since your legs won’t yet be used to all the twerk they’ve got to do.”

“To climb all those stairs,” Clitoria nodded.

“O-okay,” Werthers nodded, nearly having a dissociative episode as he started up the staircase with the women.

SCREEEEEEAAAQK SCREEEEEAAAQQWWWWWWWKK SCREEEEEEEEEAAAWWKKKKK SCREEEEEEEEEE

“Wh-what in the cluck is that?” Werthers jumped.

“What is what?” Vluvia pouted.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAWWWWWWWK SCREWAK SCREWEEWWK

“That horrible noise?”

“Oh,” Clitoria sighed, “That’s just the bird observatory a couple blompometrics away. Don’t worry about it, you’ll get used to it soon enough.”

SCREEEEEAAWWWK SCREEAWKK SCREEEEAAAWK SCREEAAAWK SCREAAAWKK SCREAAAAAAWK

“A-are you sure?”

“Oh yes,” nodded Vulvia, “We don’t even notice the noises any more.”

SCRREEEEEEEAK SCREEE SCREE SCREEEEE SCREEE SCREE SCREE SCREEEEEEEESCRESSCREEEEEEAAAWWWWWK

“H-how long does this usually last?”

“About five hours? Give or take?” shrugged Nubilia. “Once again, you won’t really notice it after a couple days it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

SCREEEEE SCREEESCREESCREEE SCRREEEEEEEAK SCREEE SCREE SCREEEEE SCREEE SCREE SCREE SCREEEEEEE EEE EE EEA AAAAAWWWWWWWK SCREWAK SCREWEEWWK SCRE EEEEEE EEE EEEEAAAAAAWWWWWWWK SCREWAK SCREWEEWWK

SCREEE EEEEESCRESSCREEEEEEAAAWWWWWK

“F-Five hours?”

“Look, Werthy,” Nymphonia sighed, “I thought you signed on to come here with the agreeance that you’d feed those birds every other day?”

Werthers’ Legalese must’ve been a little rustier than he thought.

“Yes,” Clitoria nodded, “Someone must. And it is so hard for us to carry the birdseed, what with the shape of our chests.”

SCREEEEEAAWWWK SCREEAWKK SCREEEEAAAWK SCREEAAAWK SCREAAAWKK SCREAAAAAAWK

“I-is there another option?” Werthers stammered.

“Not really,” Vulvia looked ready to cry. “I mean, technically you could rejoin the Sincerely Skytrain Society as a conductor but, I mean, don’t you like us?”

“Oh Vulvia Vulvia it’s okay it’s okay darling come here,” Nubilia pulled Vulvia in close and allowed her to weep deeply into her heaving breasts.

SCREE SCREE SCREEEE SCREEEE SCREEE SCREEE SCREE SCREEEEEAAWWWK SCREEAWKK SCREEEEAAAWK SCREEAAAWK SCREAAAWKK SCREAAAAAAWK

“It’s not th-that I don’t l-like you,” Werthers stammered. “I-it’s just, I mean—”

SCREEE SCREEE SCREEE SCREEEE SCREEAWWWK SCREEE SCREE SCREEE SCREEEE SCREEEEEEEEEEE

“Sweet mother of cock that noise is horrible.”

“Werthy we can’t help it!” sobbed Nymphonia. Almost all of the women were starting to cry now. It was terrifying. Werthers suddenly shut down, becoming still as an exceedingly weak statue as the sobs echoed through the courtyard louder and louder.

SCREEE SCREEE SCREEE SCREEEE SCREEAWWWK

“You clucking bass turd!” Clitoria backhanded Werthers with a growl. “I’ve got to teach you a lesson.”

“Yes, teach him a lesson!” Nubilia piped up.

“Yes do teach him a lesson!” agreed Vulvia.

“Oh please do teach him a lesson Clitoria!” sighed Nymphonia.

SCREE SCREE SCREEEE SCREEEE SCREEE SCREEE SCREE SCREEEEEAAWWWK SCREEAWKK SCREEEEAAAWK SCREEAAAWK SCREAAAWKK SCREAAAAAAWK

Clitoria grabbed Werthers, lifted him over her shoulders and carried him up the stairs, the other women cheering as they followed.