“Golden Point Pest Extermination, what can we do for you? … Uh-huh, yeah… Full-service, okay, where now? … Castle Sidia? Let’s see, that’s in Stormboro, so our guy can be there in twelve days. Would you like someone from our closer location instead? … Oh, he’s here, but he charges extra, is that okay? … Alright, would you like to hear the rate? You already know? … Great, he’ll be off right away. Thank you for your patronage.”

Greesley set down the calling stones and headed for my office. “Hey, Boss–”

“I heard. Castle Sidia. Haven’t been, but it’s a nice dreary area, lots of undead and misery. Should be fun! Mind helping me load the carriage?”

I was soon waving to my employee and departing. A great big golden exclamation point was suspended over his head in a continuation of my greatest in-joke. Of all the things I regret in life, commissioning a ten-foot-tall neon gold sign shaped like the mark of the quest giver was not one of them. Even if nobody in this new world actually got my little joke. At least it was an absolute magnet for people like me.

The first four days were a breeze, easily mistaken for a late spring jaunt through the countryside. Then I saw the blanket of gray clouds hanging over the horizon, eternal and persistent in their annoyance. The mule drawing my small carriage didn’t like the gloom, but he knew who was in charge. We walked in the rain, ate in it, slept in it. The place was called Stormboro for a reason. And then, on the seventh day came the first real issue.

“HALT WHERE YOU ARE PITIFUL HUMAN!” bellowed a great voice from out of sight.

A twenty-foot-tall demon of red and black materialized in front of us, carrying a great shard of obsidian that passed for a sword (if it didn't shatter on the first blow). Fire spewed from his eyes and mouth. My mule and I did not budge an inch.

“WHO DARES TRESPASS SO BRAZENLY INTO THE LANDS OF DARKNESS?” he shouted.

I casually reached into my pocket and drew a business card, flinging it at him like a little frisbee. It grew in the air and he caught it, quickly reading the fine print like an experienced demon.

“GOLDEN POINT?” He looked me up and down. “HAVE WE MET?”

I raised my finger. “Jerrotram Maurokus? I thought I recognized you. I cleared that infernal bubonicite infestation a while back.”

Jerr smacked his forehead. “DENNIS? IT IS YOU! THAT HELLFORT WAS ACTUALLY LIVEABLE ONCE WE WERE RID OF THOSE! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?”

“Doing well, business is booming. What about you? What takes you so far from that fort?”

He slumped slightly and handed back my card, which shrunk and dried itself. “THOSE GODS’ CHOSEN BASTARDS BLEW IT UP AND KILLED ME! BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN’T REALLY KILL A DEMON, YOU CAN ONLY PUT HIM IN CRIPPLING DEBT. I HATE THIS RAIN, BUT THEY DON’T TRY TO STIFF ME COME PAY TIME SO IT’S SOMETHING. I’M STILL PAYING OFF THE MORTGAGE ON THE FORT.”

“Fair enough, Jerr. Listen, I’d love to catch up over cinder moss tea, but I have a job and cannot be late. When you have a new place, give me a call. We’ll have a cup and I’ll make sure nothing else moves in with you, sound good?”

“IT’S A DEAL, DENNIS!” he exclaimed jovially, patting me forcefully on my back with a 200-pound hand.

With that, I was off once more. The roads of mud were no fun, but I didn’t mind as much as my mule. The one time we got stuck, a horde of skeletons descended on us to push the cart out. Say what you want about the lands of darkness, but they know a service call when they see one. The only time I was woken in the night was from a bunch of ghouls looking into the cart, reading the card I had left on my head.

“It’ssss the pessssst guuuuuuyyyy,” the biggest one whispered. “Eat sssssumnnn elsssse.”

With that, they wandered off and I went back to sleep.

And at the end of the rainy trip was the tall, imposing castle. Seeing it in the distance, I remembered the owner; a big bad vampire who'd used our services before. He was a stingy bastard too. Always one to spring for our cheapest services, usually causing the problem to return in a week. I quietly wondered what made him finally go for a premium package over saving money. It couldn’t be good.

I came up to the drawbridge around the moat. Well, the castle was built on an island in the middle of a white-water river, so I’m not sure it qualifies as a proper moat. Nonetheless, it opened without any input or communication from me, as it did with any real villainous adventurer magnet.

Nobody was there to greet me. The courtyard was devoid of any minions, and it was in disrepair to say the least. Most, if not all the traps were set off and needed to be reset. Hedges and trees were overgrown, branches were strewn all about, and there were a fair few bloodstains even despite the rain. Must have been scorched on by fire I surmised. I maneuvered the carriage under an overhang that kept the rain out and tied up my mule.

“What a mess. I hope they have the funds to pay me with all the repairs that need doing.”

I fetched my sword and the old staff of the heavens. It made for a good lantern and doubled for a spot of holy smiting in a pinch. Hood up, I marched over to the front entrance. The tall wooden doors still had gouges from the prior battle. I lifted the metal knocker and banged it down, but instead of a response, the force pushed the door open.

I peered inside and it was dark. Not vampiric mood lighting dark, but abandoned drug den dark. I walked in and shone the light from the staff. It was the grand hall alright, but utterly devoid of motion.

“Hello? Anyone here?” I called out.

Met with silence, I looked around and stepped further inside. It was not entirely out of the question that the place had been ransacked between the call and my arrival, but the scenario was unlikely. Suddenly, the door behind me shut, and someone whispered in my ear.

“You come here seeking death, human?” asked a woman.

“Uhh, no? I’m the pest control guy...” I said, stepping away and turning around.

A dark silhouette hung upside down from the doorframe, frozen. After far too long, she spoke again.

“Oh, is that today? I forgot. Apologies.”

She dropped down and landed gracefully. The unnatural darkness faded from the room and diluted light poured in from the dusty windows. She walked up to me and I looked… down to meet her gaze. Her face was young, and uncomfortably so. Fifteen at most. She wore a large black cloak and nondescript dark clothes. I extended my hand.

“I’m Dennis.”

She shook my hand. “Mattirina.”

“Charmed. Mind if I call you Matti?” She nodded as I looked around. “I vaguely remember there being a big guy in charge here. Something happen to him?” I inquired, unable to resist my curiosity.

Matti’s face hardened. “That would be my...” she searched for the word. “Sire. Almost called him ‘daddy’, but he's not, he just liked turning young women. Some of the gods’ chosen came and dusted him. The idiots left him in a perfectly-revivable pile right over there by the throne. The first thing I did was throw him in the river, so we won't be seeing him again.”

I looked over my shoulder. “Not a fan of his, I take it?”

“He had a thing for little girls, Dennis, the only redeeming quality being that he elected to dote and. His many… daughters, as he called us, are the reason a vampire-aging technique exists. I was his favorite because all the others rightfully ran away, but I wanted the castle. Overall, good riddance.”

I whistled. “Alright then. I’ll go get my tools and the stuff you need to sign. Would you please have one of your minions help me carry some things?”

Without waiting for a response, I left out into the rain. After digging around my carriage for a minute, I had the papers and a set of tools that I used nearly every time. When I turned to hand them over, I paused. Matti was there, holding her arms out. She saw my hesitation.

“It’s just me right now. Hand ‘em over.”

With a shrug, I passed the tools and got my own load to take inside. Once out of the rain, we set the things down and I gave her the contract in a waterproof tube. She popped it open and out slipped both paper and quill. I quickly pointed to the three parts of the contract.

“This top section is where you agree to pay for my services and specifies that I will remove all unwanted creatures from the premises. Middle is a non-disclosure agreement stating that I will not tell a soul about the castle layout, secret rooms, passages, hidden treasures, traps, and any other secret that might compromise your ability to safeguard this place against intruders.”

She nodded along. “And this last one?”

“That is a conditional release. If you fail to pay me, the non-disclosure is void and I will auction off all information on the castle to the highest bidder to recoup the losses. And here’s the estimate at the very bottom, but it’s not set in stone.”

Matti scrunched her nose, then signed. “Steep, as expected, but I need the best. I’ll get the floor plan with all the traps on it.”

……

“What made you want to have this place?” I asked while sealing the door in front of me with clay putty.

“Well, it’s complicated. As I said, all his other… daughters, let's call them, left. I wanted to leave too, but I decided to play the long game and pretend to be his favorite child. The castle was worth some of my dignity.”

With air no longer flowing under the door, I began etching a glowing sigil into the wood. “Oh? And how well did that work out for you?”

“Fantastically! I’m barely forty! From coming up with the idea to seeing it bear fruit was only fifteen years, a pittance in the long run. Of course, now I have to decide what to do with all this… and myself.”

“Right, right, it’s a big change in your life. Wouldja pass me that orange jar?”

Matti handed me the jar of cinder spice, courtesy of the hells. I jammed it into the one-way phasing sigil and heard the glass shatter through the lumber. Then, the screeches of the dire cockroaches sounded out and they pounded against the door, which I leaned against to hold shut.

She crossed her arms and leaned against it beside me. “Anyway, I figure I’ll get aged-up a bit, something that doesn’t scream ‘my daddy was a child predator!’" she pretended to gag in disgust before continuing. "After that I'll let all the young girls know they don't have to live in fear of being added to the 'family'. As for the castle, it’s nice, but it's a bit early for me to have a lair this big to myself. I might have to sell it.”

“If you do, the sterling moon festival is a great seller’s market. All the big-time adventurers travel to the major cities, so the risks and costs of moving in big villainous equipment fall off a cliff. Everyone wants to buy around then.”

Matti quirked an eyebrow. “Is that so? I’ll have to look into that.”

The door rattling stopped and I gave it another minute before tossing a small pouch of azure sea mold through the sigil. It was cleanup from thereon.

……

“Fuck my life,” I whispered. “How did he get one of the clockwork dragons down here?”

We peered down into the un-looted secret treasury from the viewing balcony. Atop a sea of gold and gems rested a dragon of gears and belts, plates and hinges, steam and death.

“I don’t know, I only ever saw this room twice and it attacks everyone that’s not my sire. His will and notes had nothing on dealing with it. You have any ideas?”

I stole another peek before ducking down. “Only twelve were ever assembled, and each one has its own unique design. You have good eyes, can you tell me if there are any gaps in the armor?”

Matti took a good long look. “There is a small one on the back, but I think there are some bits that pop out to defend that little chink in the armor. I could maybe mist down there and jam something in the gears before it can act.”

“No no no, don’t do that. They may be unique, but there are some common features. First, it can detect the exact location of any dangerous creature within about twenty feet of it. Second, it can suck in a lot of air. If you get near it in mist form, it will probably inhale you and send you to the internal boiler.”

Her arms went akimbo where she sat. “Joy upon joy. Any more ideas?”

“Uhh, maybe. How is your hypnosis?”

She looked almost offended. “Immaculate of course. I carry the blood of vampiric royalty after all. But what will it do to a machine?”

I held up a finger. “No, not on him. Use it on me. Show me what you saw, that little gap in the armor.”

……

“I can’t believe you killed it by shoving your sword up its ass.”

I shook my head incredulously as she pulled me from under the gigantic metal tail resting limply on my bruised body. “It doesn’t have an ass. There was just a gap in the metal scales there, I swear!”

She brushed me off and I steadied myself on the shifting sea of coins while continuing to speak. “And that was the unbelievable part? After I jumped clear over it and threw the mechabuster SMACK into the gap you saw MID-FLIGHT?”

Matti nodded a few times. “Yes! Now, what about the twenty-ton paperweight?”

After giving my shoulder a rub, I perked up. “That’s the easy part. There’s a group that’s trying to collect all twelve. I’ll give them a call, they’ll love it.”

A few minutes later I was performing the contacting ritual with the calling stones. I input the series of directions, holding the mouth stone in the center and waving the ear stone all about. Then they flashed and I held them to my head.

“Hello? … Yeah, it’s Dennis, again. … No, I’m not calling to get more money, sort of. … Yes, I know the increased bounty is not retroactive. LISTEN. I found another one. It’s marked as lucky number seven. … No, I’m not bullshitting you. … Yes, really. It’s currently disabled and only lightly damaged. Portal over and see for yourself. … Yeah, I’m at Castle Sidia in Stormboro. You can safely zap into the...”

“Courtyard,” Matti whispered in my ear.

“Courtyard!” I repeated, giving her a thumbs up. “And bring your waterproof creepy robes. … Alright, see you in five. Buh-bye.”

I hung up and glanced at Matti, who had raised an eyebrow. “Who were they?”

“Machine-worshipping cultists. They think the clockwork dragons are the closest thing to avatars of their god that exists today. Fun bunch, they smell like grease and the blood of sacrificial maidens.”

……

“Thank you, good Dennis. I apologize for doubting you.”

I shrugged. “Ehh, I don’t blame you. What are the chances of one person finding two in a lifetime?”

The brass-robed figure looked down, showing even less of the darkness under his hood. “For the average person, 1 in 470,284,310. But I imagine your occupation has a strong effect on your odds. You will find your pay and that horrid machine-killing knife delivered to your place of business within the week. And your cut will be delivered here directly, miss Mattirina.”

I continued the conversation, saving a clearly uncomfortable Matti from speaking with them needlessly. “Thanks. Good doing business with you, will that be all?”

“Yes, but, before we go, we are having a small trifle with some self-replicating mechanical centipedes. They are eating our valuable components. Would you be able to deal with them?”

I looked to Matti for a moment. “I can’t abandon a job, but yeah. I can help you after I get back from this one. You sure you don’t want one of my guys instead?” He shook his head.

“Alright then,” I said while clapping my hands together. “I’ll give you a call in about two weeks. In the meantime, make some really terrible cogs and springs, stuff that would shear or snap in a matter of days. Then leave 'em lying around the place. It’ll be like rat poison to those things, hopefully.”

He shuddered. “Heretical as inferior craftsmanship is, we might yet resort to such an idea. May the machinations of time choose to sustain you.”

With that, he vanished in a flash, along with his four friends and the immobilized dragon, leaving a beast-shaped indent in the gold. Matti visibly relaxed.

“I’m glad they’re gone. You were spot-on, sacrificial maiden’s blood. Ritualistically purified and everything. A fun bunch...” She looked unsure. “Is it really a good idea to help them collect those?”

I shrugged heartily. “All twelve together couldn’t end the world, or even more than a city or two. Plus imagine the maintenance costs of keeping a full dozen running! This one had been stored perfectly and was barely functional! I don’t think they’ll be a worldwide scourge.”

“If you say so. You keep some odd friends, Dennis.”

I grimaced with a nod. “They do pay pretty good though.”

……

“Pass along the bottle of the endless tide, please,” I requested, halfway lodged in a snarl of plumbing.

“Here you go,” she said while handing it to me. “Are you certain that killing the normal rats is really a priority with everything else in the castle?”

I tipped over a vial of modotoxin into the rat hole before washing it down with an infinite (if slow) stream of water from the bottle. “Absolutely. Anything that eats the dead rats will die, and they’re the bottom of the food chain here. We just have to wait for it to overflow. Plus, it’s best to clear whole areas rather than gun for the deadliest critters first, dragon aside.”

Some careful crawling got me out of the mess of pipes and back into the henchman's bathroom space. Matti sat on one of the benches and I took a seat beside her at an arm’s length. After a minute of non-stop flooding from the bottle, she grew bored.

“So, what did you do before this pest-clearing business?” she inquired casually.

I fidgeted a bit. “Umm, it’s complicated.” Our eyes met. “I was one of the gods’ chosen, you see.”

Matti froze up a bit, which was understandable, given our reputation as overpowered goody-two-shoes with main character syndrome and plot armor. It didn’t help that a group of us were responsible for the situation in the castle. I put my hands up placatingly.

“Don’t worry. When that stupid goddess briefed me, she just said I needed to make the world a better place. I decided not to risk my underleveled hide and started a business instead. I mean, a pest-free world is a better one, right?”

She looked at me funny with one eye shut. “You make it better for some pretty questionable types. You think she’ll see it the way you do?”

I threw my hands up. “That’s on her for not being more specific. Besides, I funded the venture by collaborating with a great wizard to design the calling stones. Those have to count for something.”

“That was YOU? I have to thank you for that, it really helps to keep in touch with my sisters.”

“Welcome, welcome, hold the applause,” I stated as water started to spill back into the room.

Matti waved her legs back and forth as I scrambled to cast a spell sealing the water into the hole, and another to snatch the bottle. I stuck my finger in the neck to stopper the flow and sat back down. All the rats would drown within a few minutes.

“So how did you die in your world?” she asked, casual once more.

I shook the water from my boots. “Well, I was crossing the street and–”

“You got hit by a truck?” she interjected sarcastically.

I scrunched my nose. “Well, yes, but actually no. I looked both ways and it was clear, the lights were red and the crosswalk was all mine. But then, above me, a crane was lifting a cement truck out onto the street nearby and the chain snapped.”

Matti burst out laughing. “You got crushed by a giant falling truck?” she said, halfway to hysterics. “I mean, it’s always a truck from what I know, but that has got to be the most imaginative way I’ve ever heard it happen!”

I crossed my arms and pouted. “I swear, there must be a curse, or some celestial legal loophole, or maybe an angry god of commerce back on earth. Why is it always a fuckin’ truck, dude?”

She slapped me on the back, which hit a bruise and knocked the wind out of me. “Ha! You’re funny…” she trailed off. “You know, with all these powerful people hailing from it, I don’t even know what your world is like.”

I removed my finger from the bottle with a pop and said the magic incantation. The torrent of water flowing from its neck turned around and a swirling tendril of current flowed through the air and returned from whence it came.

“I’d love to show you some of my memories through that hypnosis trick… but I don’t want you to see any of the shit I fapped to.”

She flashed me a dirty, amused look. “Nor would I wish you to know mine.”

……

“And the crystal ball doesn’t lie. This is your best shot for a good night’s sleep. I don’t do breakfast though, you’ll have to make do on your own.”

A glance around the dingy, gothic room revealed a cushy (albeit dusty) bed and some other furniture. I turned back to Matti. “I’ve slept in ratty barns before. This is nice!”

She sighed. “Good, I've had my fill of ungrateful types.”

“Well you know how they are. Always asking for more. In my case, that's bad for client retention. Now I’m gonna put up some wards in a minute, so don’t touch the bed for your own sake.”

"Mmhmm..." She looked off into the halls, seeming to spot a wandering pest. "Are we on schedule? Will you really have everything done so soon?"

"Two more days, easy. You have my word!" I said while giving a thumbs up.

“Right then, sleep well! I’m going to go terrorize the local villagers. Otherwise they’ll get complacent and the werewolves will eat them… again.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Alright, have fun!”