Eggs on toast. Nothing beats it after a good night’s sleep, especially if you worked hard for two days before. I munched away in a dank, formerly ratty kitchen. The stove slowly died from starvation as the splintered door bits I’d fed it were nothing but ash. I looked around as I ate. Everything had been chewed on, and not just by rats. The whole castle was filthy.

I thought back to my early days. I’d barely go near infested areas during mealtimes. It’s been a long while since then, I mused. My trust in soapy water and fire had grown considerably. And when that trust was unfounded, cure disease usually did the job. Unfortunately, not for food poisoning, but there are other potions for that. (Actually, you vomit them up before they kick in 90% of the time. They’re a scam.)

Rapid footsteps came down the hall, ending my introspection. “Someone’s at the gate!” Matti shouted as she burst through the door.

“So? I thought you had a bunch of contractors on the way.”

“Not today! I actually checked this time. I think it’s adventurers, Gods’ Chosen most likely!”

I shook my head in frustration. “Fuck me, last thing I need is more of those idiots breaking shit.”

I slurped the egg up and held the toast between my teeth (per tradition) as I ran along behind her. We arrived at the main hall and I removed the toast to speak.

“I’ll talk to em, us GCs have a bit of a… language of our own.”

Matti nodded vigorously. “Okay. I’m the current big bad anyway, they might just attack me. Plus, the sun’s out for once, so I’ve got no powers outside.”

She disappeared into the shadows as I yanked on the door to make my dramatic entrance, only for it to break off the hinges and narrowly miss crushing me. After an awkwardly long pause, I determined there was nothing to do but shrug and proceed. I slipped out into the shocking lack of rain to a scene already unfolding, wolfing down the remnants of my toast all the while.

They were adventurers alright, four of them. A big guy in full plate (with no helmet for the aesthetic), a dude in robes carrying that one staff with the curve at the top and a floating gem in the middle, and a girl whose outfit paradoxically had enough fabric on it to clothe three, and still showed about as much skin as a bikini. She was probably the healer.

And lastly was the dark, edgy rogue. I knew it the moment I saw him; black clothes, billowy-ish cloak, face coverings, lots of knives, yup, the works. However, his air of edge was quite damaged by his girlish screams while my mule was angrily biting down on his hand. The other three were frantically trying to dislodge the agitated equine but to no avail. Luckily for everyone, nobody had thought to attack the biter, which would have ended badly.

I whistled and my mule instantly let go, trotting over to me. I marched over as Bikini was metaphorically kissing Edgy’s booboo. The big plate guy spotted me first and was about to draw his comically large sword when I spoke up.

“Oi, noobs, castle’s closed!” I shouted through a half-full mouth while wiping away crumbs from my shirt. “And tell Edgy over there that’s what he gets for trying to steal my stuff!”

“I didn’t–” Edgy started before being shushed by Bikini.

Tanky stepped up. “Who are you? What makes you think you can stand in our way?”

He did tower over me by a decent bit, but so did basically everything. “I’m the pest guy, and I’m the pest guy. Now, unless you’re doing your first quest to kill rats in a sewer, I suggest you vamoose!”

Tanky looked confused until Wiz piped up. “Ohh, he’s like us.”

“Of course I am. Now skedaddle! There’s nothing worth a crumb of XP and not one gold piece left! New owner is flipping the place so it’s all been taken out!”

They looked between themselves and Tanky told Wiz to verify my claims with his crystal ball. I huffed in frustration. Lying I could do all livelong day, but divination kinda killed it.

“Nope, get out, shoo!” I said, using my lightning speed to grab Tanky by his exposed ear and headlock Wiz, dragging both toward the drawbridge.

We all crossed the bridge only to stumble and fall in the mud. In the scramble, I grabbed Wiz’s generic-ass staff and used a little magic to huck it clear into the woodline. He watched in disbelief, like a legendary drop had just been removed from his inventory by a server admin.

“Fetch, doggy, woof woof!” I said with a shit-eating grin.

He scrambled to his feet and made a break for his precious weapon, then Tanky managed to get up a moment later despite his clunky-as-hell armor. He drew his sword at me with an angry expression.

“Alright, asshole, you’re going down!” he shouted.

I held my arms akimbo. “I’d love to tussle, but I think your squishy DPS is running off—unarmed—into that werewolf-infested forest. You uhh… might wanna help him.”

Tanky looked right at Wiz, still at a full scholarly sprint. He did a double-take and rolled his eyes. “Goddamn it. I’ll be back, pest guy.”

And then he ran off. I brushed some mud off and returned to the sight of my mule biting Edgy’s other hand, and Bikini helplessly trying to get the jaws loose. I whistled again and the bite ended… again.

“He really can’t keep his hands off other people’s property, can he?” I commented as the déjà vu really hit me.

Bikini sat Edgy down and started to heal his hand once more. “No, he really can’t.” She gritted her teeth. “He’s lucky we were friends back home or we’d leave him in jail,” she said at me, but not to me.

“Friends back home, huh? Did truck-kun bowl a strike with you four?” She looked at me like a kicked puppy. “Alright, that was in poor taste. Let’s get you out of here. Stand him up, and if that bite broke skin you need to soak the wound in holy water.”

She helped Edgy up, whose attention was split 45% pain, 45% loot that he can’t have, and 10% dialogue (searching for spoken cues to take loot). I helped Bikini carry him out as she looked at me, concerned.

“Why holy water?”

I pursed my lips. “That’s uhhhhhhhh not a normal mule. Trust me, you really want to.”

We made it across the bridge and I slipped away into the control room to flip the bridge lever from ‘dramatic entrance’ to ‘shut’. I heard the chains at work as the way closed. An urge crept over me and I took the stairs up to the parapets. The moment I peeked my head over, Edgy zoned in and shouted, which carried strangely well over the rushing water between us.

“Fuck you man! That horse is a fucken demon, and you’re a loot hoarding piece of shit!”

The healing had evidently brought back his garbage attitude, so, with physical harm off the table, I settled for his ego. I gripped the stone parapets and knew exactly what to say.

“I blow my nose at you and your knnnnnnnnnnnnnnniggit! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!” I bellowed in a bad french accent.

“What the fuck are you on about? Let us back in!” he yelled in frustration.

“No, now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second timea!”

Edgy failed at loading a pistol-crossbow before Bikini stopped him. “Chris, Chris! He’s quoting Holy Grail you uncultured swine. Come on, the other two have run off to god-knows-where.”

I simply pointed across the way toward the woodline, where two figures could be seen panting and wheezing after running a distance that looked a lot shorter than it was. While they were both looking away I disappeared behind the parapets shouting: “Fetchez la vache!”

I dug a carrot from my cart and fed it to my mule. “Good boooy,” I said while scratching his neck.

“Well, that was a spectacle,” Matti said from behind me.

A glance over my shoulder showed her to be wearing a comically large hat for shade. “Yeah, but those pests are now controlled.” I pinched my nose. “Job’s done.”

She nodded along, not getting my references. “What was that about your mule… not being a mule?”

“Oh, he’s a shoggoth... I think. He’s on vacation as a mule for the next 6,000 years. Who’s a good eldritch abomination? You are!”

Matti scrunched her brow. “Shoggoths can be mules? Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” I addressed my mule. “If you’re a dark being from outside the bounds of time, space, and sanity, flick your ears.”

Sure enough, the ears doth flick. In addition, he neighed and we both experienced that indescribable chill that accompanies beings who flaunt their disregard for the normal state of reality. I looked at Matti with a grin and a shrug before we headed back inside. I had a question on my mind.

“What made you doubt the whole shoggoth thing anyway?” I inquired.

Matti looked uncomfortable. “Well, someone once told me they’re like this… slimy maid person that can change shape,” she explained as we made it inside.

I stopped, took a deep breath, and shook my head. “First of all, no, that’s not in any way correct. A shoggoth can be anything it wants to. Second, there is a 1,000% chance a Gods’ Chosen told you that, or told whoever told you. Finally… I know exactly which parts of the internet said chosen has been to.” I hung my head. “And… he was probably into them… you know.”

She smacked her lips and looked to the side. “There aren’t werewolves in those woods you know,” she said, desperate to change the subject.

I looked up. “I mean, I was making shit up. What’s actually there?”

“Oh, you know, about seven thousand zombified treants.”

……

The cellars stank of booze as I casually hosed near-pure alcohol over everything in sight. Dozens upon dozens of yeasthound slimes had crawled out of the walls, but I was not all that tasty-looking to them. Compared to the feast I was spraying via hose from the gigantic glass bottle on my back, I was practically invisible. Of course, the moment I ran out, they would either leave or attack me, so timing was key. I saw Matti ahead, hefting her own massive bottle with a hose at the ready.

Nearly empty, I passed her up and darted down a side hall as she continued where I left off. She painted a trail along the floor and the massive parade of living boozy gelatin followed mindlessly. When they all passed me, I followed along at a distance. Our plan was going off without a hitch; my laps had gotten the things good and hammered, and she was about to close it out.

I saw her at the end of the hall. She reached the dried-up basin and threw the bottle in. It shattered against the stone floor and the slimes frenzied at the smell wafting into the air. She quickly misted and joined me at the rear of the rushing pack. I gave her a thumbs-up as she reformed beside me and she smirked like it was the easiest thing of her life.

We quietly watched the slimes spill into the waterproof basin, the exits of which had all been sealed off. When the last leapt over the precipice to dine on the pool of alcohol, we rushed forward and completed the sigil on the door, completely enclosing the space. I clapped my hands together.

“Fantastic. Those things are no joke, so I’m glad that went so smooth.”

She peered in. “Oh, do I know it. I led some minions to exterminate small populations before. The way they quickly ferment anything organic is... eugh,” she shuddered. “This is a much better method.”

I leaned over to see the feeding frenzy going down in the pool. “Yeah, these things were one of the biggest bumps in the road when I started the business.” I sniffed at the sharp air. “They should be far beyond the critical ratio by now. Care to do the honors?”

“With pleasure,” Matti proclaimed mischievously.

She snapped her fingers and created a little lighter-flame. Raising it to her lips, she drew a deep breath and blew it through the barrier. The flame split into a thousand tiny embers, slowly drifting down. The first touched, and instantly there was an inferno. Horrible shrieks of immolated slimes filled our ears as the feast turned to panic. The roiling gelatinous waves crawled over one another in an attempt to escape, spreading the flame faster and faster.

They tried to seep into cracks, to jump through exits in the pursuit of water, but all was in vain as they were utterly trapped. It smelled like working in a distillery while the next-door grape gelatin factory burned to the ground. Matti looked quite satisfied.

“Aren’t those bottles a little expensive to break willy-nilly like that?” Matti inquired.

“Oh, nah. Those are milk bottles… you know, from the highland giants? Reduce, reuse, recycle and stuff.”

……

“You really sure you want these to go?” I asked, looking at the colony of sleeping vampire bats.

“Yes, I want the castle completely cleared. Besides, vampire bats are sooooo last generation. Bug-eating bats are the next big thing!”

I looked down at her, slightly puzzled. “Really? Aren’t those a little… plain?”

Matti looked slightly disappointed. “Dennis, I can hear a mosquito through a foot of stone. Bats I can tune out and sleep through, but the bloodsucking competition? Not so much.”

I nodded. “Alright. And—just to be sure—you don’t want to resell them? Still plenty of boomer vampires that will accept no substitute.”

“Fuck em. Torch away.”

Wordlessly, I took my volcano rod (giggity) and started blasting away (giggity). Oh those poor things. Totally mundane, vanilla creatures subjected to an endgame-level trash item. The cone of flame had them dropping like flies with no chance of escape. They fell by the thousands and were charred by the time they hit the floor. I didn’t feel too bad; it was a lot less chance of diseases being spread after all. I stopped the flames and scrunched my nose.

“One colony down, two to go.” We didn’t move on for a minute. I could sense she did have some attachment to them. I decided to break the tension. “So, bug bats, huh? What else do you have in mind for your new lair?”

Matti snapped out of her little moment and we walked and talked. “Well, I was thinking something small and well-hidden. Since I’m not a member of the League of Conspicuous Evil, I don’t have to follow their standards of findability.”

“They don’t pass down memberships anymore?” I asked confusedly.

“Oh they do,” she corrected. “But it’s optional and must be filled out within six months, so I plan to decline around the time I sell. I’m surprised my sire was still a member, since deliberately targeting women under the age of sixteen is grounds for expulsion.”

“Didn’t you say he turned you the night of your sixteenth birthday though?” I asked as I peered into another tower full of bats.

“Well yes, but still. He walked that razor edge.”

I hosed another colony with extreme flames until nothing but us survived. “I know the type. They’re like minimum-wage employers.” Matti looked confused until I continued. “If they could legally go lower, they would.”

……

“And since the libraries are coming with me, I was thinking of dark magic research. You know, come up with some new spells and brew some dastardly new potions?”

I didn’t respond right away as I ran all about the garden trying to catch spriggans. The little plant fae were cute, but they had a mean pair of legs on ‘em. Much as I wanted to torch and be done with it, killing fae was a really really terrible strategy for long-term happiness. I dove and caught the little sticky bastard, who immediately started to chew on my hand.

“Ow, ow, ow,” I spouted while running to the cages. I opened one, threw the little bugger in, and slammed it shut, shaking my hand. “Oww, I think little shit had actual nettle-thorns for teeth.”

I applied a dab of healing potion to my hand before turning back for the garden. “Dark magic research, huh? That’s a good way to burn a few decades, so I guess it’s fitting for you immortal types.”

“It’s true, but I have second thoughts. I don’t really want to dive into books and spend years underground with spells fizzling, potions exploding, and random extraplanar beings wandering in. I feel like I might want… some sort of journey, a proper adventure.”

“That a little harder on your side of the black and white spectrum,” I said while rooting through the garden for the other five spriggans.

Mattie raised a finger. “I actually thought of that! My plan is to pay for an infiltration service. They’ll get me some papers made up that will let me blend into the lands of light, and even join one of the many adventurers’ guilds. It’s expensive, but I just came into a lot of money, so yeah.”

“Not a bad idea. If you get into a party of good guys, you can eventually become a twist villain and betray them. Then you can– COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!”

While I chased the little thornbush with legs, Matti tapped her chin. “Ooh, you’re right! And then, once they collect mountains of legendary treasure, I can steal it all when they aren’t prepared!”

I deposited the angry bush boy into his own cage and looked at her with a sense of concern. “That is… one of the pettiest, yet most despicable acts of villainy I can think of. You might just have the knack to make the big time, Matti.”

She kicked her feet up. “Oh I know I could make it big time. The real question is: Do I want to?”

……

My hands and knees ached bad, no thanks to the well-worn knee pads; but I was almost done. Matti couldn’t help with this step, instead electing to de-moss the gargoyles and give them belly scratches. It’s a shame they weren’t smart enough to be ordered around. I dipped my paintbrush in the tenth can of sigil-dye and kept going.

We were almost all the way around the exterior wall; no small feat considering the real estate. The cost of the sigil would eat into the profit margin, but premium service is called premium for a reason. I straightened up on my knees to crack my back. It popped in three places.

Matti snickered. “I can’t imagine having back pain again. Mortal problems sound so awful now.” She stopped scritching the seventeenth gargoyle with what looked like a grill brush to glance at me. “Aren’t there spells for day-to-day pain like that.”

The gargoyle grabbed her hand and forcefully reapplied the brush, then continued to kick its hind leg like a dog. I took a deep breath and tried to dispel the aching.

“Well, yeah. But I’m about to take my full bunch of mana and donk it all right through the floor on this one spell. No luxuries for me.”

“Hmm,” she uttered while resuming wholesale TLC on the gargoyle.

I powered along, trying to get the sigil finished before my spine betrayed me or the rain returned. I didn’t even notice when Matti disappeared, I was too wrapped up in my work. After a total of two hours, I had completed the loop around the parapets. Following a celebratory stretch, I shut the can of dye and fished the barrier crystals from my pocket. So began the final phase of the spell that I had been ‘casting’ for two hours.

I waved the stones about and repeated the magic words (which I had been allowed to select while co-writing the spell).

“Daamihi-phermentuum, DAAmihi-phermentuum, DAAmihi-phermentuum DAAMIHI-PHERMENTUUM!”

With the last repetition, I shotgun-chucked the barrier crystals into the air and the gigantic loop of a sigil lit up. A massive bubble of blue light formed over the whole castle. With the spell completed, I immediately sagged and sighed. Crashing to zero mana always took the wind out of me.

“Speaking of spells, this should help,” Matti said from behind me.

There was a little shock and my back suddenly started to pulsate with agony. I crumbled to the floor going “Ow, ow, aaaah!”

Panic was evident in her voice. “What? I– uhhh, oh!”

Another touch entirely removed all the pain and I shot to my feet. Matti looked guilty, tilting her head to have the giant hat hide much of her face. “Sorry I… I cast give pain instead of remove pain, they’re right next to each other.” She pointed to the dusty tome in her hand.

I sighed deeply and dramatically while rubbing my back. “For a second I thought you were getting a headstart on your villainous escapades.”

……

“Payable to Dennis T Lawson, in the amount of thirty-two thousand, five hundred sixty-eight gold and twenty-three silver, signed, Mattirina Runil of Sidia,” Matti mumbled along as she wrote.

I pointed to the corner of the cheque. “Oh, and date it right there.”

“Mmhmm, and now you just endorse it to make the magic happen?”

“Ayup,” I said as I signed my name on the back, then pricked my finger and let a drop of blood fall on the paper.

The moment the droplet struck, the cheque burst into flame and formed a red portal with the floating cinders. Exactly 32,568.23 gold rose from the former mecha-dragon hoard and flew into the portal before it closed and a small receipt floated down through the air. I snatched it and started to sign Matti’s half.

“So that’s why you bank with the Hells,” she commented.

“Yup, that and one of the current big-wigs is actually from earth. He used to be a higher-up at… [Pursuit] Bank and they headhunted him when he arrived here. Said his ways of evil were far greater than theirs, as were his organizational structures and employee turnover.”

I tore off and handed her the half I’d signed. “He instituted a benefits program for any Gods’ Chosen, so I gave it a try. Thanks to his version of ‘mobile check deposit’ I’ve stuck with them. Gets robbed less too,” I added.

……

“And these runes right here, you take this little crystal and move it to the one you want. Crystal in triangle is no entry, bottle opens the drawbridge, and the star dispels the barrier if you leave it on for a day. Except you, but don’t wash off the mark or you can get locked out.”

Matti inspected the three sigils that I had painted rather unceremoniously on a table by the front gate. She nodded and looked up to me where I sat on my carriage.

“Thank you, Dennis. It was top-quality work, as advertised.” She offered me a handshake.

I leaned down and accepted. “Hey, spread the word, referrals go a long way. And remember: Get the barrier crystals back to me and it’s a five-thou rebate.” I passed her a coupon. “Fifteen percent off any future service, for all the help you gave me.”

She hesitantly accepted it. “Thanks. You know, it was nice to talk to someone. It’s all been subordinates, superiors, or ‘prey’ for the longest time. The presence of a peer was quite refreshing.”

“It was! And now that you’re in charge of your life, you can surround yourself with them! I’ll see you around, Matti.”

“See you around, Dennis.”

I flicked the reigns and my mule got going. After a moment, I looked back through the carriage. Matti stood tall (metaphorically)… and alone (literally). I silently wished her the best. She was a good customer, top five percent easily. It was clear to me that the castle did not suit her, clearer still that she intended to sell it. She made herself look dark and imposing, but like most people who do that, it was a cover.

I looked away. Much as I appreciated her candor and get-it-done nature, it wasn’t my problem anymore. I did what I could, when I could, wherever I could. I fulfilled my contractual obligations, not to the letter, but to the spirit; the most I would ever wish to be asked of or ask of someone. To linger on it would be to carry more weight, and invite the same thoughts on every job I took. At that rate, I’d be carrying a mental pyramid on my back in less than a month.

More girlish screaming caught my attention. A glance at the woodline revealed the same adventuring party fleeing from the forest at a sprint. They’ve been in there a while, I thought. I whipped out my telescope and counted four heads. They were roughed up and running quite fast. A passel of gnarly-looking trees was lumbering after them at a slow pace as well. A quick bit of fudged math said they were going to outrun the menace, no problem.

I sniffed loudly, thinking about the situation. My conscience woke up from its nap and told me to do the right thing, so I told my mule to stop and crawled back into the carriage. I dug up four of my eight healing potions and tied them in a little bundle. I dropped them off on the side of the road and wrote up a quick note.

Sorry about kicking you out of the castle and for chucking that staff into the forest. (To be fair, I didn’t know about the treants at the time.) I had to act in my employer’s best interest, otherwise, they wouldn’t pay me. Trust me, there wasn’t anything good in there anyway, I was being paid to clear trash mobs en-masse.

As an apology for the forest, I have left 4 venti pumpkin-spice caramel macchiatos (healing potions). One for each of you. And don’t feel bad that I was able to manhandle you, I’m a bit over-leveled for the area. No hard feelings, keep on keeping on.

Patrick.

I hoped there wasn’t a Patrick in this world as I signed, but I sure as hell wasn’t giving my real name. Placing the note, I cast a simple illusion with what little mana had returned to me. A gigantic, floating, golden arrow hovered over the potions. It could catch the eye from a mile away and pointed right to my little care package. Satisfied they would find it, I hopped back on the carriage and had my mule skedaddle to get away from Edgy specifically.

With that, my conscience went back to its nap.