voting results

A: Hello and welcome to ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die,’ the talk show for dead people, by dead people! I’m your host Alexa Despacito, and I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel for a joke in this intro so many times that I’m all out of barrel, thank you for asking. Here with me tonight is Kari Serpette! How are you feeling tonight, Kari?

K: KARI IS GONE. KARI WAS GOODNESS AND INNOCENCE AND HOPE, AND THESE THINGS ARE DEAD WITHIN ME. ONLY I REMAIN.

A: Okay. We’ll just ignore the fact that everything you say is prefaced with the letter K and a colon. Would you like to introduce yourself?

K: I AM THE DJINN. THE DARKNESS BEHIND THE EYES, THE SHARP POINT INHERENT IN SMILES, BLOOD BENEATH THE SKIN.

A: I take it you’re a poet.

K: THERE IS ART ONLY IN PERFORMANCE, AND MY PERFORMANCE HAS SINCE CONCLUDED. THE PILE OF BODIES IN THE ESTATE SHALL REMAIN MY MAGNUM OPUS.

A: Yeah, about that… I’m pretty sure all of those people are alive again. How does that make you feel?

K: …YOU JEST? ALL OF THEM?

A: That would appear to be the case. Sorry.

K: THEN I WILL SEEK A METHOD BY WHICH TO ENACT MY REVENGE. IF I MUST, I WILL WAIT UNTIL EACH OF THEM DIES, AND I WILL TORTURE THEM IN THE AFTERLIFE. I WILL SAP THE VITALITY OF THEIR SPIRITS UNTIL THEY ARE LEFT ONLY WITH FEAR. I HAVE AN ETERNITY BY WHICH I CAN DEVISE WAYS TO MAKE THEM SUFFER.

A: Wow. Uh, good on you, I guess. How do you feel about being the fifth to die?

K: THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO VOTED FOR ME ARE MORTAL. SIMILARLY, WHEN THEIR TIME COMES, I WILL BE THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE, WAITING. IT IS A GRUDGE LIKE A FINE WINE THAT I INTEND TO FERMENT AND, IN GOOD TIME, SAVOUR.

A: I’m not sure they’ll go to the same place as us. How you feel in a word then: murderous. Although, since we’re in a world without murder, perhaps the more apt term would be torturous?

K: TORTUROUS. YES. AND AS THE MILLENIA ROLL ON, I SHALL CONJURE UP NEW AND HORRIFIC WAYS OF CAUSING PAIN. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT TORTURE.

A: You’re going to dedicate your afterlife to revenge? Most people kind of mellow out when they get here. What would you say to putting up your feet and taking it easy for a little while?

K: WHAT’S SOFT AND HUMAN HAS GONE TO THE WORMS. MY ESSENCE AND EXISTENCE ARE ONE IN THE SAME: REVENGE.

A: That’s just swell. Say that again into the camera, please, we’ll use it for the Where Are They Now: 10,000 Years After 10,000 Words Show. It’ll make for good dramatic irony.

K: MY ESSENCE AND EXISTENCE ARE ONE IN THE SAME: REVENGE. WAS… THAT SATISFACTORY? PERHAPS I CAN INTONATE MORE SCORN.

A: Nah, that was great, thanks. My producer sensors were tingling and I know a good shot when I see one. Now, would you like to hear the reader mail?

K: ANY INFORMATION THAT COULD IDENTIFY THESE INDIVIDUALS WILL BE USEFUL. THEY WERE, AFTER ALL, RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL.

A: Response #4 wrote: “You peaked early. Now it is your time to go.”

K: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

A: Oh, you know, just readers from around the world.

K: HOW CAN I PEAK WITHOUT HAVING LOVED, HAVING LOST, HAVING GAINED REVENGE ON THOSE WHO RUINED MY LIFE, HAVING FOUND MY PEOPLE? I WONDER IF THOSE AROUND YOU TREATED YOU WITH SUCH CRITICISM WHEN YOU WERE TEN; IF THEY QUESTIONED YOUR LIFE CHOICES WITH A TENTH OF THE HARSHNESS I HAVE ENDURED. IN TRUTH, AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO DISAGREE, MY LIFE HAD NOT YET BEGUN.

A: The anger’s coming away a little bit now. Don’t get all sad on me, will you? That would undermine the strength of your convictions r.e. torturing those who did you wrong.

K: ANGER BEGETS SADNESS. SADNESS BEGETS ANGER. IT IS A QUESTION OF ENERGY, AND I AM IN NO SHORTAGE OF THAT.

A: Okay. Response #7 wrote: “She doesn’t really do anything but compare everything to what she’s used to. Not dynamic.”

K: I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LOOK DEEP INTO YOUR SOUL AND ASK THE SAME QUESTION OF YOURSELF. CAN YOU MAKE SENSE OF NEW SURROUNDINGS WITHOUT RELATING IT TO WHAT YOU KNOW, OR IS YOUR PERCEPTION FILTERED THROUGH A SIMULACRUM, AS MINE IS? WE CANNOT SPEAK WORDS THAT WE HAVE NOT LEARNED. FOR INSTANCE, PERHAPS YOU HAVE JUST LEARNT OF THE IDEA OF A SIMULACRUM, AND NOW IT IS IN YOUR REPERTOIRE. I WAS LEARNING. I WAS DYNAMIC. AND YOU… YOU KILLED ME.

A: Again, you keep trailing off in a way that suggests you’re not so much angry as—

K: GRRR. I AM. SO. ANGRY. THERE IS NO TRACE OF COUNTERPRODUCTIVE SADNESS LEFT, ONLY HATRED.

A: Response #9 wrote: “Kari, gonna be honest, you’re kinda bland.”

K: BLAND? AND WHAT IS FLAVOURFUL? CAN YOU PURPORT TO BE THE SAME? PLEASE WEIGH UP THE SUM OF YOUR ESSENCE, FILTER THE SUPERFICIAL AND TELL ME IF ANYTHING AT ALL REMAINS. WHAT ARE YOU BEYOND YOUR LIKES, YOUR DISLIKES, AND YOUR PRINCIPLES? YOU CAN CUDDLE UP TO THEM ALL YOU LIKE IF IT DISTRACTS YOU FROM THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH. BUT I WAS JUST A CHILD WHO WASN’T ALLOWED LIKES, OR PRINCIPLES, AND THAT REMOVED MY HUMANITY IN YOUR EYES. WHY, ADULT? WHY DID YOU KILL SOMEONE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOU?

A: Response #10 wrote: “I like both of you, but your violence and anger is kind of getting a bit annoying. And I already know who you killed and why. You’re just a sitting duck at this point.”

K: WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU KILL ME? WHY DO WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE A ‘SITTING DUCK’ MUST BE KILLED? WHERE A CHILD WHO HAS KNOWN ONLY VIOLENCE AND ANGER IS DOOMED ONLY TO REPEAT IT, AND DOOMED TO DIE BY THE VERY SAME THING? WHY ARE YOU SO VIOLENT? WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY ME? WHY KARI?

A: Response #13 wrote: “I like you but we already know your story. The others are still mysterious.”

K: WHY? I DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE MY STORY. ALL I’VE EVER WANTED WAS TO DIE, BUT IT HAS BROUGHT ME NO PEACE, AND NOW I MYSELF AM TORTURED BY THIS QUESTION: WHY DID YOU KILL ME? WHY DO PEOPLE ONLY EXPLOIT EACH OTHER? I WAS TEN! I DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING OF THE WORLD, AND NOW I’M DEAD BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF MYSTERY. WHY WOULD YOU KILL SOMEONE FOR THAT? IT’S NOT FAIR! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

A: Response #18 wrote: “You were interesting at first, but now your secrets are revealed and your story is kind of over. Also, I personally find the school arc with you and Haralda to be least exciting.”

K: WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

A: Response #19 wrote: “You were interesting, and I wish you had more time to see the good parts of life, like Constance said. Sorry.”

K: WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

A: Response #28 wrote: “It looks like you're out of character development. We already know your story. Rest in peace.”

K: WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY A: Jesus Christ, Kari! Kari! Can you hear me in there? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY A: If you’re just going to keep shouting that, we’re gonna have to wrap up the show... WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

A: Are you… done?

K:

A: Kari?

K: I want to be alone. I’m going away. I’m going where there’s nobody to hurt me.

A: Who do you want to see win the game, in the end?

A: Kari?

A: ...Are you there?

A: Uh. Just a moment, readers! We’ll have her back in a jiffy!

A: Any minute now…

A: I feel a cough coming on.

A: Jung qb lbh zrna fur’f tbar? Fur jnf whfg urer, jnfa’g fur? Jryy, lbh orggre svaq ure, be jr pna’g qb gur shpxvat nsgrefubj! Lrf, abj! Zbovyvfr gurz!

A: Sorry about that, just clearing my throat. Actually, that’s all we’ve got time for, folks! I’ll uh, catch you next week, or sooner! Thanks for your continued support!