When most heroic stories begin, people used to read about the hero coming of age before taking up the sword to go slay the enemy of the story. These days the stories all start with a man either getting summoned to another world, or getting hit by a truck. There are also the rare stories where ‘God’ makes a mistake before giving the half-wit a chance to go to another world; who knows if the ‘God’ even made a mistake.

My story sadly starts with not a roar of victory, or even a whimper of pity; it starts with the loud ringing brought about by a gunshot. A low caliber gun, shot to the right place, is enough to cause one to die sadly; and that bullet went right through my heart. Don’t I love being a parody death; thanks for that cunt.

Course not my fault that the bitch decided to ambush me a good mile from my house, a bit away from the corner store I just bought my delicious soda from. It’s a lovely Saturday night as well, but nope, not going to be able to enjoy my soda and smoke while playing some video games.

“This was because they took you from me; I’m just taking back what is mine!” Crazy is over there muttering to herself, the fuck did I ever see in her? “You always said you’re going to hell, I’ll join you there… we’ll be together.” And there’s the psycho laughing… is no one going to call the cops? What am I thinking, this neighborhood is used to gunshots!

And she continues to laugh as the gun is brought to her temple, oh goody; Murder-Suicide. Do I even want to know what the headlines will be tomorrow when people find the bodies?

Well, seems like I died quite quickly from bleed-out, hovering over my body in a spiritual like form… so can I haunt her for a split second before she offs herself? Wait… when she offs herself, do I have to deal with her spirit as well?

“Not necessarily…” Oh goody, ethereal voices from nowhere… and, why is time stopped? I did want to enjoy seeing the bitch shoot herself in the head; “Well pardon me for interrupting then, not like I have an actual job to do.”

From the darkness of the night, far off pass the the illumination of the streetlights, walks a woman with the palest skin I have ever seen. Though wearing a petticoat is kind of out of fashion, and a matching tophat no less. Combat boots, tight jeans… and the fluffiest hair I have ever seen in my… life? I give a slight chuckle as I notice who this is;

“Good evening, Death. Good to see you again.”

“And they say you erased your memories this time around; course you don’t remember me actually.” She smiles at me as she moves closer; the swinging ankh around her neck a real eye catcher there; “But you probably just guessed since you’re dead now. I wonder though… how will you act this time around?”

“What ever do you mean?”

“Well, most people at this time will be begging for more time, will be saying it was a mistake…”

“Meh… I got shot, I am dead. I got what everyone else does in life… there is no use begging for more of something I cannot have.” I just smile at the woman, at Death, who gives me a sweet smile back as she bows towards me with a flourish of her hat.

“As always, you never cease to amaze me.” She stands straight, taking another step towards me before looking to the side at the frozen form of my ex… the look on her face as she holds the gun to her head, one for the history books; “You always seem to choose the homicidal ones… I will never understand your taste in women.” Death is now shaking her head, why do I feel like I am being pitied…

“Well excuse me, madam judgy. She was not like this when we met… and why does it sound like this is not the first time I have been killed by crazy?”

“Not important, what is important now is where you’ll be going.” There is that soft smile again… and why does my ‘heart’ feel like it’s beating... “It’s time to celebrate, as you’re done here. You can continue along your path of whatever it is you want to do. That is why I got dressed for the occasion.” She does a small twirl in place, showing me the full look of her outfit; eliciting a laugh from me,

“And here I thought you always greeted people with this outfit; so where am I going now?”

“Well, first you need to go to this specially thought out place for all the souls in existence; The SPD, Soul Placement Department. There you will get to choose where you go after this, it’s a very big set up, and quite… boring?” She rubs her chin at that last statement, sounds like the DMV…

“Okay then… when and how will I be going to this department of souls? I’d rather go before this nutjob here joins me on my trip.” Seriously, I don’t mind seeing her end her life, but I’d prefer not her joining me in the afterlife.

“Oh, she won’t be following you for a time, and when you get there she won’t be able to recognize you.” Death moves closer to me as she places her hand on my shoulder; “And can’t I enjoy the time we have just a bit more… might be a while before we see each other again.”

“Don’t worry, knowing me, I’ll be dead before you know it.” As I am about to smile, Death gives me a slap across the face; okay, that hurt.

“No joking about that… you will live a full life and enjoy every moment of it.” She sighs, before rubbing my cheek where she slapped; “Don’t worry, you will know more later.” Before I can say anything, she hugs me; tightly. Sighing softly, I just rub her head as she hugs me… something tells me that memories of before this life would answer this question. Let’s just let her have some time…

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s get you to the afterlife, so we can meet again.” As she moves away, I can feel a part of my soul… long buried… long to have that simple hug continue on for an eternity more. However, it is time for me to move on; I won’t ask for more time, nor will I lament my own death; I just need to move on.

“So, how do we do this?” As I ask that question, I notice that my surroundings have changed, and I am now in a waiting room… Death nowhere to be seen. The last look of loneliness in her eyes will stay with me though… my soul itself wants to stay with her. Sadly, I won’t be able to see her again until my next death; and she would hate me if I die too soon… don’t want that, so I’ll live a long life.

“Please take a number, and find a seat.”

Taking in a deep breath, I move over to the ticket taker, and pull out the change of my life…

…

Let’s just say that the number I picked had quite the amount of zeroes on it… if only I ever had a paycheck with that many. Looking around the waiting room, I notice that the denizens here are mostly little orbs of light of varying colors. These little guys also seem capable of speech, so they’re probably what souls look like. Though looking down at myself, I seem to have at least a bit of a humanoid shape to me; two legs, two arms, and what could be a torso… if it wasn’t for the silver shimmering.

Kind of wish this place was a bit like the DMV, at least there they tell you which number is currently being helped. No magazines, or anything to do but talk to the other spirits that are currently waiting for their numbers to be called. That raises the question; how does one… start a conversation with one of these beings?

“Well you’re a rare one, aren’t you?” Suddenly, a turquoise orb floats over to me and takes a seat in the chair to my right. “Not everyday you see one of us here that retains their humanoid form, least of all one with four separate colors in them.” Wait, what did it say? Four colors?

“I can only see the silver, what do you mean four?”

“Really? From where I am… floating… you have four colors; Silver, Gray, Orange, and Red. Though the Silver is most prominent, with the Gray looking like… tendrils? Tentacles? Lovecraftian in nature; with the Red acting as odd veins. The Orange is centered around your heart area.” The orb bobs up and down for a few seconds before coming to a stop, ‘looking’ at me before asking; “So, what brings you here?”

“Well, I died, obviously. Done in by an ex-girlfriend with a gun, right into my heart I believe. Took me by surprise after I bought some nightly supplies from a corner store; which sucks, since I was looking forward to a night of whiskey and cigar.” I sigh softly as I think about it, “Was gonna watch some movies, maybe play some video games. But, oh well; was not meant to be.”

“Yeah, that sounds a bit rough compared to others; the green guy way over in the corner died from drinking too much water.”

“So he drowned?”

“No, he drank so much water that he started to bleed from every orifice.” I dunno if I can make a face in this form, but I am sure if I could, I would be making the face of yeesh. “Myself though, I died of old age, so… a bit better than most people. Been here for what seems like a century though, kind of dull here without some music at least.”

“I agree with you there, waiting for my number to be called so I can do my paperwork.” Might be my imagination, but I feel like the orb just buzzed;

“That’s rough, waiting for my name to be called; according to the lady behind the counter over there, my case worker should be here soon to get me.” So we have caseworkers as well here in the afterlife. Wonder when they got all the paperwork and pencil pushers though.

…

No idea how long I spent talking to the turquoise orb before we heard a name being called from the doorway in the back; there stood a man wearing a rather decent suit. Mr. Orb seems happy as he looks at me;

“Well, looks like I’m up, good luck to you young one. Perhaps we’ll meet each other in our next lives… but I highly doubt that.” With that, the orb begins to hover away towards the back, and then disappears behind the door. Well, kind of lonely without him around, was a decent distraction.

I’ve been hearing the lady behind the desk calling out numbers, though nowhere close to my number as of yet, so this is going to take a while. Nice to see that she waits until the spirit actually comes up to the desk before moving onto the next number. Paying attention to what the procedure is though, looks like when you get your paperwork and finish with it, you take it to a window next to the door to the back. The turn around for the paperwork being finished and your name being called appears to be rather quick compared to your number though; lucky me.

So I either find another orb to talk to, or I can sing to pass the time… maybe begin writing my great American novel. The skies the limit when you’re dead and don’t require sleep!

…

‘Some amount of beer on the wall; fuck I lost count of my beer… take it down, smash it around… fuck me I’m never gonna like beer ever.’

…

“So then I told him, which he told her, which she told them, and then they told the person--” A pink orb just keeps talking, I am honestly going to shoot myself at this rate… please call my number soon or I will end my existence. Please…

…

“Hey you, the one staring off into nothing! Your number has been called, come up here right now or I will come over there and smack your starry existence into the nearest bin!” Shaking my head quickly, I come to from my stupor; looking around to remember where the fuck I was. Holy shit, that woman looks pissed off; quickly making my way over there, so as to not incur her wrath anymore than I already have, to get my paperwork.

“Sorry about that, time must have slipped away from me there for a while.” Trying to be nice to the poor lady…

“Don’t let it happen again; you don’t want to know what happens to people who don’t fill out their paperwork properly.” Okay, don’t piss off the mad woman… actually looks like a person here instead of a floating orb. Old lady, with a sour face of someone who works overtime with no actual pay to show for it. “Take your time with the paperwork, not like you’re going anywhere until it’s done anyway. Make sure it is done correctly as well; I don’t like having to file a report on falsified documents.” Yeah, don’t piss her off.

“Yes Ma’am, I’ll be sure to fill everything out correctly. Again, sorry for the trouble.” I say before making my way, quickly, back to a seat. Let’s take a look at this… packet of paperwork that I was handed. Oh dear lord, I feel that this is at least fifteen pages of stupid inane questions about my life… why can’t we just do the basics and be done… why do I need to tell you the amount of people I slept with?

Well, the paperwork won’t fill itself out anytime soon… just have to do this quick so I can get along to the next step. Have I mentioned how much I hate places like this? Cause I really hate these government type buildings and shit like this.

…

Name: Marc Jacobson

Nationality: Scandinavian Celt

Gender: Male

Age on Death: 30 years

World: Earth? Gaia? Terra? Penal Colony?

How do they really want me to answer that question?

Feelings of Death: Sad that I went before my father, but everyone has to go at some point. Will miss those that I left behind, as everyone who dies will. Got out of taxes, for now at least.

Well, they do ask you to list your regrets in a later page, not too many regrets for me other than the dying before my father. Most parents will tell you that the worst thought to them would be to bury their own child. Simple enough to fill that area out, will do so now to save time for later.

Most of the questions in this packet were just basic information, which was easy enough to fill out; but there were some that I had to stop to think about for a little while. Seriously, who can remember the last time they went out of their way to do something low on the morality scale. Honestly, most of these questions are just asinine.

I just want to be done with these questions so I can begin waiting for my turn to be called. Whatever it is I’m being called for, assuming it’s for reincarnation or something?

…

Who knew that you could develop a cramp in your hand when you’re nothing but spiritual energy… how do the orbs do this? There’s a question and a thought, I have a humanoid like shape; but how do the orbs write when they’re orbs?

I’m getting off track with my thoughts, better go turn this in so I can continue with my afterlife… now where do I go for… ah, over there at the window near the door.

Getting up from my seat, I make my way to the window and wait behind another two orbs who… float… in their paperwork to the receptionist. Then she checks the packet of questions for what I guess are missed questions, or accuracy of the data. Wonder what one makes when they work in a center like this…

“Okay Mr. Hendricks, thank you for filling this out quickly. Please go back to your seat, and wait for your case worker to call you back. Shouldn’t be too long.” And then the gray orb floats on back to his seat; only thinking he since she said Mr. She then takes the packet, puts it in a machine, and calls out for the next in line. Second verse same as the first, only faster and slightly worse. Finally calling for me…

“Ah, Mr. Jacobson, glad to see you again. Please hand me your packet and we’ll get you all set up.” Her face looks rather happy, and I feel like I have an odd look on my face…

“You remember me?”

“Well of course, we make it a point to remember all souls that come through here that show… unique qualities.” She scans through the packet with what looks to be a small smirk at certain points…

“Am I really that special?”

“Ah, right, you opted for the treatment last time you were here, so you don’t remember. Don’t worry, it will come back in time.” She finishes leafing through the packet, “To answer your question though, most people here that you see will show up as orbs with a single color to them. There are certain criteria for someone to… evolve… like you did. When a soul is certain of who they are, metaphorically since most forget, then it will slowly become more humanoid. As for colors, research is still being done as to that.” Quite the simple explanation from the lady, who just keeps smiling, “I actually asked you about what you did for the colors last time… and you told me a single word. Mentality.”

I feel myself stiffen up at that word, as it does mean something to me, and to think that I had done it before this… explains a lot. She finally finishes going through the packet of papers and puts them into the machine; which then begins beeping… the smile on her face becomes one of… pissed off.

“That fucker…” Clears her throat after the anger outburst, then gets back into professional mode; “Sorry about that Mr. Jacobson, it looks like your case worker decided to drop you as a client like the moron that he is. At the moment, a new case worker is being… decided on for you, so it might be a bit longer than normal for you to be called back.” I can see her eye twitching…

“Is that… bad?”

“Well, it is a stupid thing to do since a case worker is supposed to stay with their charge through thick and thin. By dropping you, he committed a taboo within the company, as he now gets to select a new client. Normally they get a client randomly, but an experienced case worker gets a new client while a new case worker gets an experienced client.” She says with an agitated tone, I can almost hear her grinding her teeth at this point. I think my head is beginning to hurt, which is amazing considering…

“So… instead of working with a problem client… he decided to screw it the moment he saw someone with a better prospect? Sounds right.” My hands slowly rub my face, an old habit whenever I feel like punching someone in the face; “I am to get a new case worker then… please make sure this one isn’t a cunt of massive proportions.”

“Yeah, we’ll make sure on that. Now he won’t be given any leeway on this one; most case workers get to enjoy some perks with good clients, but he’ll be ignored.” A sly smile plays across her face as she thinks of something I’d rather not know; “Please be patient though, it will be a bit before your new case worker is decided. Again, we’re sorry for any inconvenience the SPD has caused you.” The receptionist stands up and gives me a slight apologetic bow, before calling for the next in line. With that, I go back to my seat to… wait I guess.

Why do I feel like this is gonna be a pain…

…

…

Somewhere else within the SPD…

…

Shit, shit, shit, shit…

That god damn piece of shit had to do this on my first day, didn’t he? Was just given my first assignment, who was a decent looking fellow, and he had to drop his client to take mine! This is by far the most annoying day I have ever had in all of my lives. Close second…

Now they’re telling me that I’m taking over his previous client, handed me his file, and said; ‘Go get them, Karen!’ like it was something easy! Fucking hell! I haven’t even seen my office yet, and my new client is already here… of course… at least I have some time before I have to go get him.

Quickly making my way through the corridor towards my new office, my eyes scan the doors along the way to read the names on them. Many of these workers have been with the department for lord knows how long, and their clients have been through many lives. All the while, mine lived through his first before being sent to one of the PCWs, at least that is what the board said. Didn’t even bother to mention what he did in his first life to get that punishment.

Reaching my office at last, it’s time to look through his file as fast as I can… even humanoid spirits can lose themselves if they spend too long in the waiting room. Usually the case worker who ruins those souls by making them wait… get fired. Ugh, I can feel myself shudder at the thought of being fired from this place, and having to go back…

My office is rather simple though, guess that is to be expected since I myself have no merits on my record… they at least gave me a laptop and not the typewriter they had in training. There’s also a phone, simple desk, swivel chairs on either side of the desk… did they just empty a broom closet for my office? It’s fucking tiny… and the shelf is something you’d see in a supply closet! Urge to punch the fuckhead, rising.

Well, at least I have a roof, kind enough for them to include that. I crack my neck and fingers, letting out a deep breath so as to calm my nerves; before making my way to the desk and looking through the files of my new client…

…

Ho-lee-fuck-ing-shit. Of course it’s a small file since he only went through a single full life in a decent world with the rest being PCW files… but what is this person? Just his soul data is enough to make me want to hide under my desk and not do anything. Why did this have to happen to me, I just want to curl up and forget everything… forget firing, I’d rather be fired… this guy punched his last case worker.

Okay, let’s calm down, the reason for the punching was… redacted. I can feel a tension headache coming on, why did I agree to becoming one of these workers.

The good points of this client…

- Came into existence as a Silver Orb, usually colorless before first life. Had a bit of personality inside of it before going in.

- First life was eventful enough to raise points to three digits. Most have it lucky if their first life gets them above two digit margin.

- Even while on the PCW, still raised point level through various deeds. Strange enough, no name left in history since they preferred to be left alone.

- Gained humanoid form after first life, stated at the time that they were a male, and knew which family they’d stay in no matter what. Firm sense of self as they knew who they were, and were unwavering in that decision.

- Went through eleven lives on the PCW with memories intact of their previous home; stating that they would rather remember. Final life, they decided to go through treatment to forget, not to forget their home… but to forget their time on the PCW.

-When they made this decision, they had gained their multiple colors… let alone the colors had actual form to them and not just mixing. When asked about it, was stated to respond with a single word; ‘Mentality.’

I feel like this guy was some kind of monster if he was able to gain that many points just on his first life and living on a PCW. There’s even a penalty on those worlds, but even so he was able to amass… six hundred and sixty six… there’s that urge to go under my desk again. No sane mortal is able to get that many points before they retire… I didn’t get anywhere near that many before I decided to retire and become a worker in this damned place. Does he just like to suffer?

Let’s just look at the soul data at the traits he chose for his soul when he started out. Maybe that would explain everything…

[Home World]

First world becomes the home of the soul, thus increasing point gain while on said world. Penalty to point gain when not on home world.

[Destiny Destroyer]

Able to change the destinies of other people by interacting with them; does not need to be a conscious decision on the part of the holder.

[Balance Holder]

Everything is like that of a coin, a set of scales, a die yet to be cast. Equality must always be attained, balance in all walks of life.

Does not explain shit. Maybe he’s just a masochist, that would explain everything… yeah we’ll go with that for the time being. Better than seeing this client as a monster; which is the truer option on the list, but that would be rude.

Better finish reading on each life’s file before I go get him…

…

Bang

Bang

Bang

That is the lovely sound of me banging my head on my desk, it is a wonderful symphony brought about by the sudden headache I got. Everything-Is-Redacted! Major data that would be helpful, is redacted on this one’s first life; and all the PCW files are… lacking data. His previous case worker really did a number, or lack there of, on making sure everything was written down properly.

I’m gonna strangle that guy next time we run into each other…

Nothing to do now other than go get my new client… lord I wish I never took this frichen job. Well, time to rip this band-aid off…

…

…

Meanwhile…

Back in the waiting room with our rather bored out of his mind and starting to lose it bastard.

…

I wonder if a soul is able to commit suicide, or if boredom is a deadly disease which can kill at some point. Had to fight against my mind earlier or I might have lost my legs… scary thought that… even a humanoid can lose themselves in this place.

How many beers were on my walls again? How many coconuts were on the shopkeep’s shelves? I have lost count on these numbers due to the incompetence of this damn place. Honestly want to punch someone right about now, and I am mostly a non-violent person. Mostly…

It is about the time that I have nothing more to lose, when a person walks through the door on the far side of the room; a young woman with a rather professional look about her. My eyes are drawn to her as she opens her mouth to speak;

“Mr. Jacobson; please step forward.”

Oh, so it’s finally my time to be brought in for assignment;

“Man… this is so annoying…”

Getting up from my seat, I quickly make my way to the woman standing there… who is about a head or so shorter than me? Huh, so they have these types here… bob cut brunette, jade colored eyes. If I had to hazard a guess, maybe around twenty years old, if her pale and tight skin is to be taken as a hint.

“Are you Mr. Jacobson?” I can sense the tension in her voice, though I am sure that I’d be tense to in situations like this. Even the look of disdain on her face, probably was taken for a ride before coming out here to meet me.

“That’s me, was kind of worried that I was forgotten. So you’re my new case worker then?”

“Yes, my name is Karen. I am sorry for the wait, but I had to read through your… files to ascertain the best way to deal with you.” Yeah, she must be in a bad mood to be using that tone… but that’s fine.

“Then I’ll be in your care, pleased to meet you.” I might be annoyed, but none of it is directed towards this poor woman… she must have had it rough. If I could smile, I would be right now; should always smile when meeting new people.

“Follow me please, we’ll be working on your next life from here.” Karen makes her way through the door, allowing me to follow her rather calculated gait. It’s quite surprising that she is so calm on the surface; probably has been through quite a training regiment for this job.

Through the door, we find ourselves in a lovely long hallway, with doors on either side… a bit too close to make it coherent if they were separate rooms. Though, I am sure the rooms are just separate instances of the reality of this place…

[{"Good thinking, keep it up."}]

Okay, we’re going to ignore the strange voice that just appeared in my head… but oddly enough, the voice sounded quite familiar to me. It resonated with my very soul… odd.

The walk to Karen’s office is quite long and boring, is this another test? I’ll just take this one step at a time, though it won’t stop me from yawning. After this action, I accidentally bump into Karen as she stopped in front of me, with a strange look on her face, staring at me…

“Did you just yawn?”

“Yes… isn’t that a normal response? Most mortals yawn when they’re tired or bored.”

“You’re a soul right now, you shouldn’t feel anything along those lines…” Her voice wavers slightly, the look on her face looking almost scary… but then she sighs before turning around to continue along the path. I’d normally ask, but best to just let her do as she pleases…

…

No wonder there is a gap of time between each life; had to have spent at least a century walking to this fucking office alone. Course time has no constant here, who knows how much time has actually passed… a new universe could have been created while another five were destroyed. It’s almost annoying when you think about it… no it’s truly annoying.

Right as I am about to start losing my will to continue on, Karen turns towards one of the doors on the right side of the hallway. Turning the knob, she enters the door first… and folks, let me tell you that I am not impressed.

It would be best to call this little room the Broom Closet, instead of a person’s office. Seriously, there is a shelf in here where you would store excess supplies. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself though; don’t want to piss this woman off more than she already is.

“Come on in, Mr. Jacobson, and we’ll start on planning your next life. Take a seat.” Karen motions to one of the swivel chairs, the one on the client side of the desk. Taking in a deep breath, thinking to myself that this can’t be any worse than anything else I have been through today… “Since this my first day, I can’t help too much… but I will try my best.” At least she is chipper... no, there’s the blood vessel on her forehead.

Well, taking my seat, and getting comfortable… it would be best to get this over with at least.