PRIMORDIAL GOD LUNA

Lynne stared at the massive monster, incapable of the single thought but: “RUN!!” - so he did. Turning around, he bolted backwards but realized soon that he was merely running in spot. Glancing backwards, he saw the gigantic monster still the same distance away, looking strangely at him.

“What are you doing?” the monster’s voice echoed out, deep yet at the same time strangely melodic.

“… what the hell does it look like I’m doing?! Frying eggs?!” Lynne replied, sweating bullets.

“Sarcasm?”

“No way!!”

“… you don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going to harm you.”

“Yeah, sure, let me just check in with my brain- and yeah, your sheer size is enough to make me piss my pants, and you telling me you won’t hurt me helps me as much as burning the corpse helps its reviving process.”

“… why do you think you were able be so strong during your last battle? Do you honestly believe it was all of your own accord?” the monster asked, ignoring Lynne’s tantrum.

“Hah, the next thing you’ll tell me was that I was borrowing your power!” Lynne laughed mockingly.

“That is exactly what happened,” the monster said in a matter-of-fact way. “You nearly dried me completely.”

“That sounds oddly sexual.”

“H-hey!! What are you thinking?!!”

“… why are there suddenly red spots on your otherwise terrifyingly bleak skin? Wait, are you blushing?”

“N-no!!”

“… great, of all the monsters that I could have drained dry of strength, I get one shyer than a ten year old kid.”

“Do you want me to eat yo-u alive!? Huh?! Is-is that what you want?!” the monster’s voice went from deep into high-pitched within a single moment, changing the suffocating atmosphere from the start to that of playground’s.

“Sure, go ahead,” Lynne said, smiling wryly. “I already did the same to you, apparently.”

“What do you mean? Oh! You – you shameless bastard!”

“Hai, how about we go back in time for a bit? What’s your name? Why are you so big? And, most importantly, what the fuck are you doing inside of me and how did you get in here? Mind you, if your answer is my bumhole, I’ll kill myself on the spot.”

“Shameless bastard! I am Venerated, Beloved, Worshiped Primordial God Luna – Primordial God of Flames! Ha? Are you terrified? Are you ready to kneel before me and kowtow for eternity to seek my forgiveness?!”

“Uh, one question before all that begging thing,” Lynne said calmly. “How come I’ve never heard of you if you’re so famous then?”

“…”

“…”

Strange silence dawned on the small realm; the monster stared at Lynne in disbelief, and the latter stared at the former expecting an answer in all honesty. Pairs of crimson and azure eyes locked onto one another, as if bound by eternity.

“Khm, y-you are just… just… yeah, just a backwater kid!! How could you have possibly heard of a Deity such as myself? Hah! Let me tell you: I ruled the Realms before! I definitely did! Hah! I once burned an entire realm because a kid, not unlike yourself, teased me terribly! Hah! Are you afraid yet?!”

“… another thing, if you’re God of Flame or whatever, why’s your name Luna? Although I’m partially illiterate, even I’m certain Luna has jack shit to do with fire.”

“…”

“… ah, one more thing, if you’ve ruled all these realms – as you say – why are you sitting so lazily inside of me? Are you on vacation or something?”

“…”

“Alright, alright, what do you want?” Lynne asked, seeing as the strangely shy monster was remaining silent.

“… please, I beg you, stop teasing me! Wa wa...” … is she crying?! Fuck, she’s totally crying!! What the hell does a gigantic monster have to cry for?! Oh my god, what the shit is this situation?!

“… uh, there… there? It’s-it’s all fine, I-I promise I won’t tease you anymore. H-how’s that sound?”

“Great, thank you! Waa, waaaaaa...” the monster cried loudly, like a little child, its endless tentacles weaving about like serpents.

“… so, oh—o Great Deity, Divine Master, Holy-- Flammable Spirit, why hast thou summoned me?”

“I-I, sob, I summoned you because I, sob, need your help.”

“… of course you do.”

“What?”

“N-nothing, continue please!”

“You know how you killed a bunch of people just now?” the monster asked.

“Yap, oh please, remind me of that. I was very much looking forward to burying that deeply inside my mind, but why bother? Ha ha, isn’t this great?”

“… right… so, I realized that each time you killed someone, a bit of my body fell apart.”

“Wait a fuck! Isn’t that a bad thing?!!”

“Eh? No, it’s fine. This isn’t my true body.”

“… you don’t say.”

“I was cursed,” the monster explained. “By my mum.”

“By your… mom…”

“Yes,” the monster said, lowering its head lightly, cheeks flushing red. “It’s a bit embarrassing to say it, but… mum cursed me because… well, because I refused to marry Sir Longlel Lolson and…”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…” Lynne fell onto his knees. “I’m totally dreaming this. This is definitely my way of coping with the terrible things I’ve done. I’m trying to find a way to justify all that killing, and it just so happens that I’ve gone to the ‘insanity plane’ inside my mind to devise it.”

“… no, I’m very much real, as is Sir Longlel Lolson.”

“And you hear absolutely nothing ridiculous about that name?” Lynne asked.

“No? Why? Is it strange?”

“… aii, why even bother. Go on.”

“Khm, anyway, because I refused, mum turned me into this monster, and told me that the only way to lift the curse is to… to… to…”

“Why are you stuttering?”

“It’s to… to… to bed ten thousand men!!” the monster suddenly screamed out.

“…”

“…”

“… right, so, I’m out. Ah, thanks for… you know, all the drainage. I hope you have a happy life.”

“Wait, please don’t go! I would never do such a shameless thing!” the monster cried out. “That’s why I summoned you here; each time you killed someone – beast or a person – a bit of this body was skinned off.”

“A bit? A BIT?! Do you see just how fucking huge you are?! What is your plan, huh? For me to massacre every other living thing in the universe?! It’d be easier to find ten thousand men with fetish for long… wiggly things!”

“…”

“…”

“I just need a bit of help, and I’ll be able to destroy the rest of the body from inside out.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

“… fantastic. Great. Hey-wait, you said you were Primordial God?”

“Yes?”

“… is that scything thing and others your inheritance?”

“Ah, yes! Do you like them?”

“… I’m pretty sure you refusing the marriage isn’t the only reason your mom decided to imprison you into a giant, tentacle monster.”

“What do you mean?”

“A scythe?! A freaking scythe?!” Lynne suddenly unleashed a torrent of curses. “Why didn’t you just make a technique called ‘Supreme Divine Primordial Badass Pebble Throwing’, huh? And, what the hell’s God of Fire or whatever doing designing scythe techniques?! Did your brain fry from all the burning because you’re made of fire or whatever?”

“… you meanie…”

“… ugh, fine, whatever, I’ll help you. It’s better than being stuck with a kid.”

“Hey, I’m not a child!! I’ll have you know that I’m over sixty million years old!”

“Yeah, well, I’m twelve and up, and I’m still considered a kid.” Lynne said with a deadpan face.

“Twelve and up what?”

“… nothing, nothing. So, what’s the state of my body? How badly am I injured?”

“It’s not much. I’ve managed to mostly keep your injuries external. It should take about a month for full recovery without the help of any medicine. That pet of yours has gone to search for something, though, so I imagine it will be faster.”

“Ah...” Lynne suddenly sighed as he crashed down onto the ground. “Why is it me?! Why do I keep attracting the weirdest things from this universe, huh? First it was a child-sized monkey with a tongue of vicious witch, then it was a bird who has bird brain but believes it has a better one, then it was Liz-boy who… well, he’s actually pretty normal, all things considered, you know? Then it was that Eternal whatever who can’t decide whether he wants to be completely emotionless or snarly little bastard, and then there’s you… oh, there’s so you… is there something fundamentally psychotic about me that draws all other screw-ups towards my general direction?”

“Uh… no?”

“I mean, I know I’m not the brightest fish in the pond--”

“Pretty sure that’s not how it goes.”

“--but I’m a pretty normal dude, right? I mean, I enjoy beef, chicken wings, wine, some ale, occasional lady of the night… I don’t have many strange fetishes--”

“Many?!!”

“--I don’t like insulting people--”

“Say what now?”

“--I’m pretty fair all things considered--”

“You’re actually suffering from delusions, no?”

“--I mean, yeah, there are better people out there, but I’m not bad, right? I mean, sure, I – occasionally!! - may or may not trick some people--”

“Occasionally?!!”

“--but, you know, it’s their own fault for being dumber than the chiming bells!”

“…”

“Ah, whatever… I’ll just take whatever shit fate throws at me. Anyway, you said I’m not as strong as I appear to be, right? Care to elaborate?”

“You’re still only in Magus Realm,” the monster explained cheerfully, happy the topic moved away from Lynne’s self-delusions. “There is no way you should be able to do the things you did, as you simply lack understanding, Mana and myriad of other things required. However, because I let you borrow my seed--”

“Oh my god, seriously! Seed?! Are you begging me to sexually harass you?”

“Hey! It’s your perverted mind that jumps to conclusions!! Khm, anyway, as I let you borrow my… strength… you were able to practically leap realms and fight. You’re – on your own that is – just an above-average Master Archmage. However, I can torpedo you to the Grand Realm within two years if you’re interested!”

“… uh, just checking my knowledge here; it’s Foundation Realm, Magus Realm, Grand Realm and Divine Realm, right?”

“Yap.”

“Great, so, where you at then?” Lynne asked.

“I live outside of it,” the monster explained. “All Primordial Gods are born as such, as we’re direct children of Origin Laws. I, for instance, was born of Origin Law’s spark, and was born directly as a Primordial God. If you wish to qualify me against your system, I’m in Divine Realm.”

“… yeah, haven’t a clue what any of that means, but you’re super strong, right?”

“Not at the moment.”

“…”

“At best, I can lend you my strength once in a while,” Luna explained further. “But, as I’m not inside my original body, I’m extremely limited in what I can do. I can’t even move from this very spot, as I don’t know whether this form even has legs.”

“…”

“However, if you do help me recover my true body, we can make a pact: I’ll be your follower for a thousand years, and defend you against everyone and everything!”

“… thousand years? I’d be sprinkles of dust a quarter way through!”

“… ah, talking to you is like talking to a cutie that just so happens to be a sculpture.”

“Oh, you think I’m cute?” Lynne smiled wryly.

“… did I just say that out loud?”

“Anyway, I’m going to go and rest for now. Talk to me if you need anything!”

“…”

Lynne collapsed onto the floor once more, lying down, as he closed his eyes, immediately falling unconscious. At the moment, he was attempting to bottle up thousands of deaths lying on his hands, and stuff it all down so deep not even he himself will be able to find it anytime soon.