TRAVELOGUE

Lynne, Thalia, Gru, the monkey and the bird were leisurely strolling through the desert on their way back to the border. Their business at the fort concluded rather quickly after the beasts dispersed and Lynne left the secluded meditation after about a week. Although Gru was slightly startled to see that Lynne had become Empyrean Child so quickly, it merely served to make his decision to join him ever so easier. Of course, he kept pleading Lynne to teach him new techniques, but Lynne always found a way to wiggle out of it somehow.

“We should reach the border in about an hour at this pace,” Thalia said. “It’s strange that we’ve met no living soul on our way back. Shouldn’t Wastelands be constantly at warfare?”

“It has diminished quite a lot since ex-boss Fyre decided to unite the Beastkin,” Gru explained haphazardly. “If my guess is correct, he should be preparing for invasion.”

“Oh?” Thalia arched her brows lightly. “Do you know how strong is he? What’s his main element?”

“… I’ve never seen him fight, actually,” Gru said, somewhat confused himself. “But he should be plenty strong. Lucela was our main vanguard for the most part, and she was extremely strong, yet she obeys his orders unquestionably.”

“Maybe she’s his lover?” Lynne asked casually.

“Eeeh…”

“What?”

“… when Boss fights him,” Gru said, looking away awkwardly. “You-you should probably hide your face.”

“…”

“…”

“Lynne, you definitely can’t hide your face!” the monkey said.

“Fuck off, furred bastard!”

“Who are you calling furred bastard, rotten brat?! Do you want me to balden you?!”

“That’s not even a word, you idiot!” Lynne said.

“Hah, what dumb nonsense are you talking about? Not a word? Of course it’s a word! Mighty Ape says it’s a word, so it’s a word!”

“What mighty fucking ape? All I see is a small, ugly cretin who can’t even wipe his own ass properly!”

“What do you mean you rotten~~”

“Are… are they always like this?” Gru asked Thalia.

“More or less.” Thalia said calmly, as if indifferent to the ongoing fight.

“Boss sure is fierce,” Gru said with admiration. “But that monkey isn’t half-bad either.”

“Just ignored them,” Thalia sighed. “Did you get your wife and kids to safety?”

“Ah, yes, of course! Ah, the reason I was late was because it’s been a while since my wife and I made love passionately so--”

“I really, really don’t need to know.” Thalia interrupted immediately.

“Ah, yes, I can only imagine how rough is it on you.” Gru said, his eyes full of pity.

“Eh?” Thalia looked at him oddly.

“I mean, Boss is so amazing on battlefield, I can only imagine how he is in bed. Ah, how envious my heart beats…”

“…”

“Ah, but don’t worry, I’m sure Boss loves you no matter what!” Go die! Go fucking die!

“What are you two whispering about?” Lynne suddenly escaped monkey’s wrath and joined in-between the two of them. “Are you hitting on my girlfriend again, you damned battle-crazed, muscle-crazed, wife-kids-having pighead?” Oi, that’s too harsh! Thalia thought.

“Ah, I would never, Boss!!!” Gru exclaimed immediately, kneeling down for some reason. “I was merely sympathizing with Boss’ Wife over how struggling it must be to keep up with Boss in bed!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Ah, so you do know your stuff!!” Lynne suddenly exclaimed, laughing joyously as he grabbed Gru by the shoulder and hugged him. “I gotta say, I’m starting to see you in a new light, battle-crazed Guru.”

“It’s Gru, Boss!”

“Battle-crazed Gru.”

“Just Gru, Boss!”

“So, I’m hard to keep up with? Ah, of course I am~~” Lynne said softly, his eyes looking at the sky, seemingly daydreaming. “Let me tell you of my endeavors, battle-crazed Guru--”

“--Gru--”

“My dear grandma once said – by the way, she was an Empyrean Creator who liked burning bad children –“

“Ah, awesome! No wonder you’re so talented!” Oi, idiots! Thalia was at a loss for words as she stared at the two happily chatting.

“Aye, indeed!” Lynne said. “Anyway, she once said that all men underneath the sky should know how to please women! Then she took me in the back shack--”

“Wait, wait, holy shit wait a fuck!!!” Thalia suddenly exclaimed. “Just to clarify, that didn’t actually happen, right?!” Lynne looked at her innocently, seemingly confused.

“Ah, you misunderstand Wife,” Lynne said, shaking his head. “She took me to the back shack, where seventy-two perfect maidens awaited me, and I pleasured them for an entire year without a stop.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“You’re amazing, Boss!!!” Gru exclaimed in admiration, his eyes shining like stars as he looked at Lynne. “No wonder you have so much stamina!”

“Ah, indeed, pig-headed Guru--”

“--wasn’t it battle-crazed Gru?--”

“--you must understand that there are many pathways to woman’s heart. Some like it rough, some like it soft, some like it like thunder, some like it like fire, some like it like water, some like it like~~”

“Hey, are you really in love with him?” the monkey asked Thalia.

“… I believe I am mentally ill.” Thalia said casually.

“Ah, we already knew that beforehand,” the monkey said. “I’m asking if you’re really in love with him.”

“…”

“Ah, so you are,” the monkey said, lamenting. “How sad your fate must be? Ah, I pity you. For better or worse, you could have at least wedded an actual human being, not that pile of… something.”

“~~and so, when courting a vicious beast – like my Wife over there – you have to be even more vicious!” Boss is amazing! “You have to bare your claws and your fangs and pin her to the ground, and have to show her just how mighty you sword is!” Please tell me you mean an actual sword! Thalia cried inwardly.

“Indeed, indeed.” Gru continued fervently nodding in agreement, swallowing every word.

“Ah, you remind me of a friend I once had,” Lynne said, smiling reminiscently, eyes filled with soft sadness. “He had much potential, but cruel fate of deadly virginity had taken him…” Wasn’t it war?!! When was war ever virginity?! Why am I suddenly so jealous of him?!!

“Ah, how cruel a fate it must be to never bed a woman…” Gru said, sighing in despair.

“I can’t even imagine,” Lynne said, sighing similarly. “But!! In the name of all the dead virgins, egg-screwing Guru--”

“--pig-headed Gru!-”

“--we, men alive and endowed, can never falter, and we must carry on their dreams!”

“Ah, Boss speaks wisely! Profoundly! You truly are a marvel of a man!”

“Hey, marvel,” Thalia suddenly dragged him to the side. “Stop brainwashing people into you stupidity.”

“Hey, I’m not brainwashing no one!” Lynne protested – albeit weakly, as his arm was bound tightly between Thalia’s chest. “I am merely spreading wisdom to the less wise!”

“And what do you mean vicious beast?” she glared at him angrily.

“Ah~” Lynne cried softly, nervous. “I-I meant it –I meant it as a metaphor! Yes, a metaphor! Vicious beasts are always so firm, determined, straightforward, they never falter, always breaking barriers, right?! That’s—that’s so much like you!”

“…” glare persisted.

“…” Lynne’s heart throbbed lightly. “… I love you?”

“Ugh.”

“As expected of Boss’ Wife,” Gru nodded understandingly. “What a vicious woman.”

“Hey, vicious your mother!!”

The group continued to merrily chat as they made their way to the border. After about an hour, they had finally climbed the high grounds and found themselves back in the encampment. Without hesitation, they moved towards the unofficial headquarters, where they found Fen’er, Parsia and the Commander sitting around in silence, all seemingly angry.

“Okay, who farted so bad you all look like you aged ten years?” Lynne asked casually as he joined them; he was quickly startled by their glares, forced to take a few steps back. “Uh… w-what happened guys?”

“This idiot happened!!” the Commander roared as he pointed a finger at Fen’er. “She went around seducing my men, and now over two hundred decided to go back home and find a wife!!”

“How is that my fault?! And what do you mean seduce?!” Fen’er exploded back. “I merely dressed casually for a few days!”

“Why are you angry, Parsia?” Thalia asked, as he was usually the only normal person in the group.

“Ah, how could I not be?” Parsia said. “She forced me to enhance her weapon…” his eyes suddenly widened, expression of horror on his face. “Over and over and over and over and over and over~~”

“Ah, he broke,” Thalia said casually. “Anyway, we’re here to report that the fort was invaded by Beastkin, but we managed to fight them off for the time being. Ah, this is pig-headed Guru,” she pointed at Gru standing next to Lynne.

“Boss’ Wife, please!” the man cried.

“He’s a deserter from the other side,” Thalia continued. “A man without honor, pride, dignity, any worth, really, who decided to abandon his brothers and sisters and come over to our side to slaughter people he considered friends just a day ago.”

“… Boss,” Gru was already crying like a little child. “You truly are amazing. To subdue such a vicious beast… I can only imagine how hard it must have been.”

“Indeed,” Lynne nodded fervently, feeling bad for the guy. “If I was given choice again, I’d choose to never meet her instead.”

“This absolute failure of a human being,” Thalia continue, rising her voice slightly. “Informed us that they’re probably preparing for the mass invasion quite soon. As dishonorable as he is, and as much of a pig-headed rat and traitorous fuck he is, it’s a valuable information, and we should probably begin preparing.”

“… why does she hate me so much?” Gru asked silently.

“Don’t worry, brothel-loving Gude--”

“--hey!--”

“--brother-boss-nay, god Lynne over here will protect you from her vicious, beastly nature.”

“I’ll go set up my men,” the Commander said, still viciously glaring at Fen’er. “You do whatever, just stay out of my way. And don’t strip around horny men, for crying out loud!!!”

“I wore my undergarments!!”

“Tsk.”

“~~over and over and over and over~~” Parsia continued, shaking.

“Lynne, go find Leana and inform her,” Thalia said. “Watch for her reaction.”

“Eeeh? Why me?” Lynne protested.

“Because if a vicious beast goes she just might eat her alive for eyeing beast’s man.” Thalia said hoarsely, glaring daggers at Lynne who felt cold sweat break out from his back. Oi, oi, I really made her mad this time around!

“O-of course, of course, my loving beas---I mean angel,” Lynne said as he slowly began walking backwards, dragging poor Gru with him. “Y-you just wa-wait for me, ‘kay?”

“…”

“What did you do to the poor thing?” Fen’er asked her as she watched terrified Lynne run out of the building as if chased by the devil.

“Hm?” Thalia’s angry expression quickly disappeared and was replaced by mischievous smile. “I merely tugged a few strings.”

“… at least he’s open about his shamelessness.” Fen’er said, snorting.

“~~over and over and over and over~~”

The preparations for the upcoming battle had begun, just as a group of sixty people, all clad in fur and leather clothes, broke through the forest and saw the encampment in the short distance. Chief Trios nearly fell onto his knees and cried as he saw it, a saddened expression on his face.

“Finally… we’ve arrived…” he muttered, glancing back at his remaining members of the Tribe, feeling guilt beyond the scope of reason.