《Woke Up a Tree.》Chapter 22
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“Hey, Treebo. What are you doing?” Kendra asked as she walked into the Grand Cavern.
“You know, Tree shit.” I replied. “Also, I like it. Treebo. Sounds cuddly.”
“I’m always looking out for you.” Kendra replied. “So what are you doing down here?”
“I discovered something wonderful.” I explained. “I can use my Treepods, patent pending, for more than just respawning you meatbags after you die. I can use them to make new creations. Wanna see?”
Kendra facepalmed. “Are you perverting the natural order of things down here?”
“No. Maybe. Come on, it’ll be cool.” I replied. “Don’t make it sound weird.”
Kendra said nothing and just waited for Treebo to continue. “I’m going to have everyone call you Treebo.”
“Well, I’ll just have everyone call you the lorax.” I replied. “Because you speak for the Tree.”
“I’m pretty sure the lorax was of the dude persuasion.” Kendra replied.
“What about, The Lorelai.” I said. “Yeah, Whenceforth you are The Lorelai. You speak for the Tree.”
“What about Queen Bitey?” Kendra asked. “Doesn’t she speak for you?”
“Queen Bitey is more of the ruler of the underworld. She is the keeper of my roots.” I explained. “She is the rock upon which I grow. It is a very prestigious title.”
“Are you going to show me what you have been working on?” Kendra asked again.
“Yes. This way please.” I directed Kendra to a side cavern to the grand cavern. “Welcome to the room of experimentation.” I grandly stated. “Check this one out. It’s a mix of those stupid coyotes running around and some sort of mushroom I found growing. I call it a Spryote. Three syllables. Spa-ro-te. Say it.”
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“No.” Kendra flatly replied. “I am not encouraging you.”
“Fine be that way.” I sulked. “It has a couple of special attacks. It has a vine whip thingamabob, a spore cloud attack and the devour skill.”
“This is an abomination of the natural order of things Treebo.”
“Check this one out.” I continued on. “This one is made of cats and bees. It’s the cat's bees. I call it a Meowbee.”
“This is a terrible idea, Tree.”
“It gets better.” I assured Kendra. “It has a stinger in its tail for its tail sting attack. And it can combine its buzzing with its purr for its Double Buzz Purr.”
A heavy droning sound filled the cavern as the Meowbee demonstrated its hypnotic buzz purr. Kendra fell silent as she was hypnotised by the melodic sound. Tree finally had to shoo the Meowbee away.
“So what does the buzz purr do?” Kendra asked when the effect wore off.
“Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.” I wisely decided to lie.
“You’ll like this next one.” I quickly continued as he tried to change the subject. “It’s a mix of a bumblebee and a dog. I call it a bumblewoof. It mostly just collects things. I haven’t figured out how to make it do anything. So it is mostly just a cute little bumble woof. Who’s a good little bumblewoof, yes you are.” Tree said as he made awful baby noises at the bumblewoof.”
“How does it fly?” Kendra asked.
“I have no idea.” I replied. “I assume magic of some sort. The details are all very technical and not for the likes of you to know.”
“Fuck you Tree.” Kendra said testily.
The cavern suddenly rocked from a distant explosion. Little streamers of dust fluttered down from the ceiling.
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“What was that?” Kendra asked me. She had never seen anything able to affect the tree down below.
“Hold one.” My voice trailed off as my attention extended to the edges of my domain. “Oh, those dirty bastards. They’re training mobs on us.”
“Who is?” Kendra asked.
“Those army bastards that have been trying to sneak in here for forever.” I said. “Kendra get up there and rally the defense. Be my Lorelai. I’ll be sending reinforcements up shortly.”
Kendra turned and ran for the exit.
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