„Buuuu...”

„I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED. NOW IT HURTS BECAUSE YOU IGNORED MY WARNING.”

„Uuu... you heartless meanie... uuuuu...”

„he's the first follower I had in... eons and now he’s gone. uuuuuuu...”

„all because of you... uuu... I thought we were friends... uuuu....”

„HE IS NOT DEAD. YOU WOULD KNOW AT LEAST THAT MUCH IF YOU EVER CHECKED YOUR STATUS SCREEN.”

“R-really?! Ohh, D! You are the best friend ever!”

“NO. HUGGING.”

Death blocked the overjoyed tentacles with her scythe. Tentacle gunk left terrible stains on her robe.

“ANYWAY, I MUST GO NOW. KING TOULUS THE THIRD IS CELEBRATING HIS SIXTY-FOUR BIRTHDAY AND MY PRESENCE MAY BECOME REQUIRED.”

“REMEMBER, NO MEDDLING.”

“B-but… just a tiny bit?”

“ESPECIALLY NOT A TINY BIT. YOU DO REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?”

“T-that was an accident! I really didn’t mean to do that... H-how was I supposed to know they would turn on the light…”

“WELL, THEY DID, AND THEY SAW YOU. YOU DO REALIZE HOW THAT AFFECTS PEOPLE? I STILL HAVE A BROOM CLOSET FULL OF SOULS THAT KEEP ON SCREAMING.”

“THAT REMINDS ME, PLEASE STOP SNEAKING OUT COOKIES FROM MY OFFICE. I’M GETTING COMPLAINTS FROM THE CLEANUP CREW. THE NEW BRIGHT CORRIDORS ARE ALREADY PRETTY DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN WITHOUT THE NEED TO SCRUB THE TENTACLE GUNK OFF THE WALLS, FLOOR, AND CEILING.”

“B-buut… cookies… uuuuuu…”

“NO MORE. BESIDES, YOU ARE NOW AN OFFICIAL DEITY. ASK FOR OFFERINGS.”

“Oh, I can do that?”

“YES, IN EXCHANGE FOR AN OCCASIONAL BLESSING, YOU CAN DEMAND AN OFFERING. ALTHOUGH IT WOULD REQUIRE AN ALTAR AND A PROPER CEREMONY. POSSIBLY SOME CHALK AND LOTS OF CANDLES. I AM SURE YOUR SAGE CAN THINK OF SOMETHING.”

“Think of what?”

“Joe!”

A sea of tentacles rushed him, engulfing his whole essence. For a second though, Joe thought he saw an enormous solitary eye somewhere, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away into the darkness. An eye with a shiny white band-aid stuck above it in an X shape. A band-aid the size of several continents put together.

“You’re alive!”

“For the time being. Alas, it might change if you won’t stop.”

“WELL, THERE IS THAT POSSIBILITY.”

“Oh…”

The grip lessened considerably.

“WEREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING THAT VILLAGE?”

“Technical difficulties. I left one of my gofers handling the situation and took a nap. ”

Death suddenly looked disappointed.

“OH WELL,”

She made a barrage of swift successive cuts through Joe’s soul, forcing the tentacles wrapping him to disperse with a loud “Eeeek!”.

“YOU OWE ME A WHOLE VILLAGE.”

She pulled him closer with her scythe so that their eyes were leveled.

“THAT DEBT SHALL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.”

“D! Please stop doing that! What if you break him?!”

A troubled tentacle snatched Joe away.

“HE WILL BE FINE. A PLOT SHIELD IS AFFECTING HIM.”

“A plot shield?”

“YES, AN ANCIENT LAW OF STORYTELLING. NO HERO CAN DIE BEFORE THE END OF HIS QUEST. QUITE AN ESSENTIAL THING IF YOU ASK ME. A HERO STORY WOULD GO NOWHERE WITHOUT IT. I AM OBLIGED TO GIVE THEM A LITTLE BIT OF HANDICAP. LIKE IGNORING A STRAY DAGGER THROUGH THE HEART OR A VICIOUS ARROW TO THE KNEE. AT LEAST UNTIL THE BATTLE WITH THE FINAL BOSS.”

Her black ledger buzzed inside her robe.

“I MUST GO NOW. THE KING CANNOT KEEP WAITING FOR ME.”

With that, she vanished.

“Have fun D!”

Darkness waved her countless tentacles, sending off her only friend.

“Ahem,”

She cleared her throat.

“What brings you here my faithful servant?”

“J-Joe?”

His soul hung limply in her grasp, no different from a wet noodle, foaming from his mouth. Death might have spared him but cuts from her blade never went unnoticed.

“Oh dear…”

***

*DING*

You are feeling slimy.

*DING*

Skill favor of darkness reached maximum level. Mouth to mouth rescue or, should I say, mouth to tentacle…

*DING*

My condolences.

Joe woke up with a headache and a disjointed feeling as if not all parts of his soul returned to their rightful place.

“Ummm, are you alright?”

The familiar voice sent shivers through his whole being.

“Never been better. Death used me for target practice and you, you…”

“There, there.”

A tentacle pat his head.

“Bu-Bu went away, you’re fine now. And safe. And, a bit slimy. I’m sorry about the last one. It just happens.”

Joe had a theory about that though, he kept it to himself. That and several other issues. Best not to anger a big, dark… something with a large eye and countless tentacles. And a rank of deity. Oh, that’s right. His deity.

“Say, weren’t you supposed to grant me some skills since I became your sage?”

All he got so far was a not exactly practical, passive potato mastery.

“Ahahaha… Um, the skills.”

“Yes, the skills.”

The tentacles began twitching.

“So?”

“Well, yees the awesome skills… haha… haaa…”

“There are no more skills are there?”

“No! There are! I made you a whole bunch of bling-bling skills! But…”

“But?”

“But they don’t work.”

“Aha.”

Such a surprise. Bullied by Death. Manhandled by a tentacle. Cursed by… *that bitch*.

“Oh, I know! Maybe you’ll figure it out!”

“Figure out what?”

Instead of an answer, a tentacle run him through.

*DING*

Connection established.

Access granted.

Downloading…

Download complete. Unpacking…

The familiar editor came up and covered his whole view.

“You see, I’ve been trying to do this for a while now but,”

Another tentacle squeezed past him and clicked through the menu.

“Every time I push on this doodad, it goes *BE-BOOONG* and nothing happens.”

Darkness pushed on the compile button and just like she said the error chime horned all around them and the window shook as if shaking its head.

“See! It went *BE-BOOONG*! *BE-BOOONG!*”

“Let me take a look.”

Joe pushed away the wiggling unmentionable and did what almost no one confronted with such an error does.

He read the error message.

“Warning, copyright protection violation detected. Skill name *Heal* is already registered under a different deity. To register a new skill, please enter a unique name.”

What the… Cure? Poison resistance? Calm mind? Even the buffs? What on earth?!

“How come you have blueprints for *her* skills?”

“I-I d-don’t know w-what you’re talking about. This and that happened… but… These are all my skills! I made them myself! See, see?”

A tentacle prod at something on the screen.

“Happy bubbles. Makes bubbles. Consumes 200 MP per bubble.”

What the hell with this trash!?

“Or this one! See this one!”

“Pain, pain, go away! Reduces the pain. Especially effective on small children. Requires 1 Candy per use. Consumes 1000 MP…”

“What I am to you? Some creep from a van? Fuck no. That goes to trash right away.”

He dragged the skill icon to the trashcan and made sure there were no backups left.

“Nooo! Buhuhuu… I spend a whole week making that one! Buuuu…”

“Listen, what I’m gonna say may sound harsh but, those skills are trash. All of them.”

He kept on scrolling through the list. As with most of the games Joe played, even in this world, the sage skill list looked useless. Two or three skills caught his eye but that was it. Out of more than five hundred skills, only those few had any potential. Even the blessings were nothing compared to what he suffered during that last fight.

“Buuu…”

Cargo sized teardrops begun splashing all around.

“Which is an enormous opportunity for us!”

Joe quickly added, trying to avoid sudden death by drowning.

“Huh?”

“Think about it, if *that bitch* is using all those crappy skills, we can do better! We will kick her out of the faith market by lower price and superior quality. New believers will be storming your temples in no time!”

“To sacrifice cookies for my glory!”

“Exactly!”

“Wait, what?”

“I want cookies. The fluffy ones. No cinnamon. With chocolate. Like the ones D keeps in a jar in her desk drawer.”

Something large, dark and undeniably something that should not be seen, drooled behind him at the memory. Joe swallowed and made a mental note. Never. Look. Back.

“I’ll bake you some…”

“Really?!”

“Yes, but first, let me delete all this crap. Done. Now, show me how you make a skill.”