Neckbrace awoke once more, her vision blurry and her head throbbing. She was in some kind of dimly lit room, that much was certain. There were people to either side of her, but she couldn’t muster the strength to turn her head and look at them. A bright light suddenly engulfed Neckbrace’s vision. She groaned in protest.

‘Welcome to the Facility,’ said a familiar voice.

‘600…’ Neckbrace rasped, unfortunate memories flooding back.

The agent chuckled. ‘Not anymore,’ he said. ‘Bringing you in scored me a promotion. I’m Agent 599 now.’

‘Why do I have to wear this junk?’ said a voice to Neckbrace’s left. ‘I came here willingly.’

‘We don’t take chances here at the FBSSOSLT,’ Agent 599 answered. ‘A single vampire of average strength could wipe this place out in an instant. That’s why you’re all wearing collars made from an alloy that won’t be invented until 2322.’

Collective groans from the restrained vampires cut 599 off before he could continue.

‘Is this even legal?’ asked the one to Neckbrace’s right.

‘I dunno,’ 599 said cheerfully. ‘Anyway, why don’t we begin orientation? Let’s go around the circle, everyone say your name and give one fun fact about yourself.’

More groans.

‘Or… we could get up close and personal with a collection of 27th Century can openers,’ 599 suggested, raising his refined eyebrows.

The groans stopped.

After a brief, but viciously awkward, silence, the vampire to Necbkrace’s left spoke up. Her vision had cleared enough now to get a good look at him. He was muscular and tall, with a shaved head and fangs that reached down to his chin.

‘My name is Legcramp and I never agreed to this,’ he said.

Agent 599 coughed. ‘Well, uh… you did sign the contract, so…’

Neckbrace rolled her eyes and went next. ‘My name is Neckbrace and I hate humanity.’

‘Now that’s just negative, isn’t it?’ 599 said. ‘You don’t have any hobbies?’

The vampire to Neckbrace’s right spoke. ‘Are you going to criticise all our introductions?’

‘Hey!’ 599 snapped. ‘No talking before you introduce yourself!’

‘Name’s Armwrestle. I play croquet on weekends.’

Agent 599 grinned. ‘See? That’s the attitude we like to see here at the FBSSOSLTT.’

‘Did you just put an extra T at the end?’ Armwrestle asked.

‘No,’ 599 responded. ‘What about you? What’s your thing?’ he asked the final vampire.

Silence. The vampire was scrawny, and wore nothing but a tribal skirt. His skin was covered in jet black tattoos.

‘Hello? Your thing?’ 599 probed. ‘Even just a name? A grunt of acknowledgement?’

The vampire remained silent. Unnaturally silent, like he was absorbing the soundwaves in the air and leaving only an empty, soundless void in their place.

599 gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘Well, thanks for ruining everyone’s fun, fun ruiner. Come on guys, let’s ditch this loser.’

He gestured for the vampires (except the creepily quiet one) to rise and follow him. They did so reluctantly. 599 strolled over to a panel on the far wall and swiped it with his wrist. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a long, surgically clean hallway beyond, lit by blinding fluorescent lights. The air smelled pleasantly of pine trees, and unpleasantly of rocket fuel. The door slid shut behind them as 599 and the vampires left the holding cell.

‘So this is east-western wing of the ominous Facility where the FBSSOSTL operates,’ 599 explained as they walked.

‘Did you just—‘ Armwrestle began.

‘No,’ 599 said. ‘As I was saying, the first door on the left is where we hold our extradimensional abominations. On the right is where we hold the prisoners we feed to our extradimensional abominations. Next is the time machine room and the room for storing paradoxes that come from the time machine room. The next three doors do not officially exist and should not be acknowledged. Please purge all memory of them from your mind. After that is the break room…’

As 599 talked, various agents who all looked suspiciously identical to him ran from door to door, clutching documents and what appeared to be tiny glowing creatures. 599 ignored them and seemed to expect the vampires to do the same.

After rounding a few corners and witnessing a few indescribable horrors, 599 stopped them in front of an especially large set of sliding doors.

‘Here we are,’ he said. ‘Please be on your best behaviour.’

The room was a large hall, filled with dozens of seated agents (all of whom were indistinguishable from one another). Standing at the far end was an agent whose badge designated him as 12. The room seemed to be in the middle of some kind of vote.

‘All in favour think aye!’ 12 called out.

Three seconds of silence.

‘The vote to declare Greenland as fictional has passed unanimously. Good work, everyone. Next, onto the matter of Iceland…’

599 spoke up. ‘Agent 12, the vampires have been assembled.’

‘Took you long enough, six-hundreder,’ 12 said with a sneer. The agents in the room snickered.

‘I’m in the five hundreds now!’ 599 protested, his face red.

12 rolled his unsettlingly glassy eyes. ‘Yeah, whatever. These the wizards?’

‘Vampires,’ 599 corrected.

‘Vampires? I thought we were getting wizards.’

‘The plan was always vampires, Agent 12.’

‘I wanted wizards.’

‘We can’t always get what we want, Agent 12,’ 599 said, his voice dripping with venom.

12 gave an exaggerated sigh that Neckbrace could have sworn was a pre-recorded audio clip. ‘Fiiiine. Bring the ghouls or whatever to the dome. I’ll be there in five.’

As soon he stepped out of the chamber, 599 furiously whipped out his smartphone of indiscriminate brand and called someone up.

‘Schedule a session in the torture dungeon. I’ve got some things I need to work out.’

He put his phone away and turned to the vampires. Seeing the look in their eyes, he quickly reassured, ‘Oh don’t worry. It’s not what you think. We barely go beyond waterboarding and existential terror down there. Barely.’

Neckbrace would protest, but the metal collar still seared her neck. If she could, she would stamp this whole planet into dust. Well, there would plenty of opportunities for that still. Neckbrace couldn’t wait.