‘Come on,’ Neckbrace said.

‘Nope,’ Agent 600 said.

‘Just for a little while.’

‘Nuh uh.’

‘Come oooon.’

‘No can do.’

‘I’m putting my neck out for you!’

‘Yes, you are. Please put it away.’

‘Come on, if you take the collar off, I can take us to the nearest landmass in a single jump.’

‘Not gonna do it.’

Neckbrace sighed and slumped back in the raft. She was still easily strong enough to threaten 600 with violence, but she felt his self-preservation instincts would be underwhelming, to say the least. The only way she was gonna get the collar off was with persuasion.

‘If you don’t take this freakin’ collar off, we’re both gonna die out here,’ she said.

Agent 600 scoffed. ‘Not me. I exclude myself from that we.’

‘What?’ Neckbrace said. ‘You can’t do that.’

‘I may be 600, but I’m still higher ranked than you. What’s your number? You don’t even one. Your pronouns don’t have the authority to speak for me.’

‘Your rank doesn’t let you control grammar.’

600 laughed, pulling out a small book from his coat. ‘Page 932, section seventeen, All agents ranked higher then 601 is exempt from grammar rules. All grammar them do use are automatically super correct.’

‘Do you always keep that book on you?’ Neckbrace asked.

‘Yes me do. FSsSSsSSSSssSsSSSS regulation.’

Neckbrace narrowed her eyes. ‘Wait, remind me again what that acronym stands for?’

‘Federal Bureau of Secret Stuff and Other Stuff Like That.’

Neckbrace clapped her hands together. ‘You don’t see any discrepancy there?’

600 was picking his nose and looking at the sunset.

Neckbrace decided to drop the question. ‘If you’re not gonna take my collar off, we better get this boat moving. I don’t suppose you have a compass in that coat, too?’

‘Sure I do,’ 600 said, pulling out a compass.

‘Why am I not surprised?’ Neckbrace muttered as she snatched it from his hand.

She looked at the compass, then back up at 600. ‘Why is the needle plastic?’

‘What should it be made of, oh compass goddess?’ 600 said, his tone oozing with sarcasm.

‘Compasses DON’T WORK if the needle is plastic, you inbred.’ Neckbrace threw the compass back at 600.

600 caught it and stuffed back it back into pocket with a huff. ‘I get paid negative three dollars an hour! Sorry if I don’t have the cash to afford your fancy luxury compasses with diamond needles and cursive letters!’

‘DIAMOND NEEDLES DON’T WORK EITH—‘

Something fell from the sky and impacted the raft, punching a hole straight through it and creating an explosion of water. The tattered raft sunk into the sea, leaving 600 and Neckbrace treading water.

‘Serendipity strikes again, it seems,’ 600 said.

‘Do you even know what serendipity is, or are you just being ironic?’ Neckbrace replied.

A dark shape rose up from beneath them, then burst through the surface. It was Armwrestle. She was clad in some kind of tribal getup, and her collar was gone.

‘Ah, talk about serendipity, huh?’ Armwrestle said.

600 wiggled his eyebrows at Neckbrace with pride. Neckbrace ignored him.

‘Hey, hey Armwrestle!’ Neckbrace said, desperately gesturing at her collar.

‘Sorry, I can’t understand you through your Venusian accent,’ Armwrestle replied. ‘Hey, sixie, you got a compass?’

With a smug grin, 600 pulled out his toy compass and handed it to Armwrestle. She looked at it, then back at 600. ‘I can work with this,’ she said.

Neckbrace looked at the vampire incredulously. Suddenly, she realise something.

‘Hold the phone,’ Neckbrace said, turning to 600, ‘How are you even alive?’

‘Agent 177 gave me a lift,’ 600 said. ‘We go way back.’

An unearthly, booming voice from the deep echoed out. ‘No problem, dude.’

‘If you two morons are done chatting, I’d like to get moving,’ Armwrestle said.

Neckbrace crossed her arms. ‘Fine by—‘

Before she could finish her sentence, Armwrestle had grabbed the two by their collars and was zipping through the water faster than a speedboat. Neckbrace’s body flailed behind like a ragdoll. She could feel her bones trying to tear themselves apart. Her skin was ripping like paper in the spray. Neckbrace was sceptical that this would be survivable for a human like 600. There was also the question of where Armwrestle was taking them. Not to the SSSSSSSSF’s central hub in all likelihood. Neckbrace had a lot of worries right now. Her tribe back on Venus had always talked about how Earth was so simple and easy-going. The atmosphere was thin and cool, there were no demons or otherworldly monstrosities, no acid rain or killer plants. Only normal fleshy people doing normal fleshy things. Neckbrace was beginning to think that maybe none of her tribe had ever actually gone to Earth to verify that for themselves.

Armwrestle came to a sudden and complete stop on a beach, sending sand flying and causing Neckbrace’s entire skeleton to be pulverised to dust. That would probably leave a nasty bruise. Once her eyeballs had healed from their viscous liquid state, Neckbrace looked over to see a very, very dead Agent 600 lying on the sand beside her. She climbed to her feet, her bones angrily reforming against the strain of the collar. Armwrestle was already storming off the beach and into the jungle beyond. Neckbrace, tripping over herself as her muscles learned how to walk again, stumbled after her. She was getting really sick of the collar.

A few hours of hiking later, and the two vampires came to the site of some ancient, abandoned city. It seemed to be just about every cliché regarding tribes and ancient civilizations rolled into one. As Neckbrace followed Armwrestle into the city’s grounds, she realised it wasn’t that ancient at all. In fact, it looked like people had been living here recently. In one tent was a pot still boiling on a campfire. In another was a half-finished game of Magic: The Gathering.

‘They’re gone already…’ Armwrestle grumbled. She turned to Neckbrace, as if finally acknowledging her presence.

‘You were born on Venus?’

Neckbrace nodded.

‘I’ve heard Venusian Vampires are the strongest there is.’ Armwrestle grabbed Neckbrace’s collar and tore it off. ‘Show me.’

Neckbrace instantly felt ten thousand times better. Her bones hardened, her muscles expanded. Her previously sickly grey skin became flush with a healthier shade of grey. With a cry of glee, Neckbrace socked Armwrestle in the stomach, sending her flying off into the sunset.

‘Whoops,’ said Neckbrace.