After somewhere between six minutes and six months of trekking across the Pacific wasteland, Legcramp and Armwrestle finally reached the west coast of what was once America. The only thing distinguishing the land from the seabed was that there were ruined buildings instead of ruined ships. Otherwise, it was all just the same, charcoal-black plains.

‘So you’re sure vampires can’t get cancer?’ Legcramp asked, kicking an ashen skull out of the way.

‘If we could get cancer, we would have already,’ Armwrestle replied. ‘Literally everything else on this planet has cancer, thanks to you. All those mutants have cancer, the clouds have cancer, that rock over there has cancer. If Earth wasn’t cancerous before it sure is now.’

BOOM. The ground shook. A flock of winged tumors flew over ahead.

‘What was that?’ Legcramp said.

Armwrestle stopped in her tracks. ‘Oh no.’

Legcramp stopped too, a quizzical expression on his face. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

Armwrestle grabbed Legcramp’s arm and pulled him behind a large, cancerous boulder. She put a finger to her lips and shushed him.

‘It’s the bees,’ she whispered.

‘What?’ Legcramp whispered back. ‘I thought we killed them. Besides, even if they’re back can’t we just kill them again?’

‘Nonononono! They’ve changed! The bombs did something to them. I had a run in with them before I found you. We can’t win.’

BOOM. The boulder, fearful for its life, spontaneously sprouted legs and ran away, leaving the vampires out in the open. Armwrestle was shaking with fear. Her eyes were wide and her pupils darted around wildly. Protective bone armor was forming over her body. Legcramp had never seen her so afraid.

‘What’s up with these bees?’ Legcramp muttered to himself.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

On the horizon, Legcramp saw it. It was hundreds of meters tall and just barely humanoid in shape. Its body was a sickly, waxy yellow, and honey dripped off its folds like sweat. Giant bees circled around its lumpy head like guards. Every twenty or so seconds, a torrent of honey would erupt from the gaping hole where its face should be, splattering the ground in front of it.

‘We’re dead,’ said Armwrestle as the colossal, walking hive stopped in its tracks and stared at the vampires. The hive let out a wet, foghorn-like moan, then dozens of bees exploded from its face-hole, flying down to surround Legcramp and Armwrestle. They carried spears crafted from bones, and wore helmets made of human skulls. A particularly large and intimidating bee hovered out from amongst the crowd.

‘So, then. You are the sinners who massacred our ancestors,’ he said, his voice deep and buzzing. ‘I have long dreamed of the day I would meet you.’

Legcramp punched the big bee right in his stupid bee face. The shockwave shattered the ground beneath them and dispersed the clouds miles above, but the bees did not even flinch.

‘These bees are really overpowered,’ said Legcramp as he held his throbbing hand.

‘Yeah, I know,’ said Armwrestle.

‘You are now our prisoners,’ said the big bee. ‘Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of bee law.’

‘YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!’ Legcramp roared.

They took him alive. Legcramp and Armwrestle had been separated and placed into hexagonal cells with some kind of hardened pane of honey instead of bars. The floor shook every time the hive took a step, and the sound of the impacts echoed through the inner halls. So far every part of Legcramp’s cell had proven impervious to his attacks. Legcramp could destroy small moons but he couldn’t bust through a few centimeters of sugar? It seemed awfully contrived. At least the bees had left him some coloring books and a copy of the Bee Movie so he wouldn’t get bored.

Legcramp heard Armwrestle’s muffled voice through the wall, ‘Hey, Leg.’

‘Give me a second, I’ve almost finished this page,’ said Legcramp as he grabbed the blue crayon.

‘I’ve got an idea for how we can get out of here,’ Armwrestle said.

Legcramp stopped coloring. ‘What is it?’

‘How well do you know your own brain?’

The bee court of bee law was presided over by the queen bee herself. Her massive, mutant form lay on a pedestal, a constant trickle of honey oozing from her abdomen. Armwrestle and Legcramp stood before her, armed bee guards at their backs and appointed bee lawyers at their sides. The court’s lawyer stood beneath the queen’s podium, looking as imposing as a bee in a suit could look.

‘DEATH!’ cried the queen.

‘We haven’t started yet, Your Majesty,’ said the court’s lawyer.

‘My bad,’ said the queen.

The court’s lawyer cleared his throat. ‘We now begin the trial of the sinners Armcramp and Legwrestle.’

Legcramp raised a hand. ‘Hey, you got our—‘

‘DEATH!’ cried the queen.

‘It is not yet time to make judgment, Your Majesty,’ said the court’s lawyer.

‘My bad,’ said the queen.

‘Would the sinners’ lawyers like to begin?’ asked the court’s lawyer.

As Legcramp’s lawyer launched into some speech about how his client is obviously guilty but a death sentence would be stooping to his level, Armwrestle gave the signal. Legcramp squelched to her in affirmation, then dropped off the back of his own ankle and flopped onto the ground. Back in their cells, Legcramp and Armwrestle had surrounded their brains with excess muscle, exited their own skulls, then given their bodies exact copies of their brains made from reused flesh. The Legcramp and Armwrestle attending the trial would be mere fakes, whilst the disembodied brains of the real pair would be skidding to freedom! It was a flawless plan by every stretch of the imagination.

Once the two brains had scooted out of the court, Armwrestle turned to Legcramp and squelched Do you think they noticed? Legcramp squelched back No chance.

Hey, I just thought of something, squelched Armwrestle.

What is it? squelched Legcramp.

What are we gonna do when we get out of here? squelched Armwrestle.

What do you mean? squelched Legcramp.

I mean, we don’t have bodies anymore. You don’t see that as an issue? squelched Armwrestle.

I see your point. How about when they decide to kill us, we find our dead bodies and get back into them? squelched Legcramp.

I think I might have a better idea, squelched Armwrestle.

The walking hive’s brain was a giant mass of hyper-intelligent honey, swarming with larvae that fed off its raw, sugary energy. The vampires had managed to get up to the brain undetected by squeezing through the hive’s delicious veins. Now the ultimate test awaited. Legcramp was reluctant to connect his brain to that of the hive’s. What if he couldn’t control it? What if it took over his mind? Legcramp wasn’t used to feeling so powerless. Armwrestle had assured him it would be fine. Even if its body was an indestructible fortress, the hive’s brain would be no match for a vampire’s, especially two of them. Against his better judgment, Legcramp snaked his brain stem out and connected it to the hive’s molten mass. Armwrestle did the same. For a split second, the hive’s brain acted as a bridge between Legcramp and Armwrestle’s brains. Legcramp saw his mother’s memories. There were a lot of people and places he didn’t recognize. Before he could try and put a name to any of them, he became fully connected to the hive, and saw through its eyes instead. The hive stopped walking and shuddered for a few seconds. Armwrestle and Legcramp were now controlling it. Before they could turn the hive’s power on itself, they noticed a lone stranger about a kilometer ahead of them. Even with the hive’s powerful eyesight, they couldn’t see the stranger’s face below his hood. He gave a small wave, then he was gone. After a brief moment of confusion, the vampires focused back on destroying their new body. Before they could start, however, something else did it for them. The hive’s chest exploded open, showering honey and beeswax across the wasteland. The floor of the hive’s brain chamber broke apart, and the vampire brains fell into the chaos below. Giant bees died left and right from the unseen attacker. The head of the queen flew past the falling brains. Then Legcramp spotted them: their bodies, cowering on a still-standing section of the hive’s splintering body. Legcramp extended a coil of muscle and grabbed Armwrestle’s brain. Stretching his brain stem as far as it would go, he managed to hook onto the platform their bodies stood upon. Legcramp and Armwrestle frantically climbed onto the platform, up their bodies, and squeezed into their ears till they were back in their skull cavities safe and sound. The pair had barely enough time to vomit up their clone brains before the entire hive collapsed, sending them tumbling to the ground.

Legcramp and Armwrestle landed in a huge glob of honey. They forced their way out, coughing and spluttering, to see a field of destruction surrounding them. For hundreds of meters in every direction lay dead bees and the ruins of the hive. Occasionally something would twitch or crumble, but whatever had done this had been undoubtedly thorough.

‘Well, that was something,’ said Armwrestle.

‘Indeed it was,’ said a raspy, unfamiliar voice.

The pair spun around to see the figure from earlier. He wore an immaculate, entirely black suit, with polished shoes and white gloves. Around his shoulders was a hooded silk cloak that obscured his face. The stranger stepped forward and lowered his hood. His skin was a pale grey. His pupils were blood red. He had prominent fangs protruding from his mouth.

‘Perhaps I should introduce myself,’ said the vampire. ‘My name is Agent 1.’