‘Aight, which one a’ you jokers replaced our missiles with confetti cannons?’ asked Barry as he paced up and down the length of the escape pod. ‘Come on. Fess up.’

Damo tentatively raised his hand. ‘It was supposed to be for April Fools…’

Barry chuckled. ‘Ahh… That’s a classic Damo move right there.’

Still chuckling, Barry drew his pistol and shot Damo in the head. ‘IT’S BLOODY AUGUST, MATE!’ he screamed at the body.

Barry looked each of the surviving crew members in the eyes, one by one. ‘Anyone else got any hilarious pranks they wanna spring on us? Maybe get this escape pod blown up too, yeah?’

‘If you had let me take this collar off like you promised, we wouldn’t be in this mess,’ Neckbrace said.

Barry shot her a couple of times. He knew it wouldn’t kill her, but it definitely made his point clear. ‘I’m a pretty easy-going bloke,’ he said. ‘I let you buggers get away with a lot. You got free access to the ship’s Wi-Fi, you got weekly sausage sizzles for a gold coin donation, you got complimentary neck messages, you got to appear in the credits of the Bodacious Barry movie adaptation, you got a lot, aight? All I wanted from you drongos was two things: turn the washing machine off when I’m havin’ a shower, and don’t blow me ship up. You did pretty good on that first one, not gonna lie, but the second?’ Barry sucked in air through his yellow teeth. ‘Yeah, nah. Poor effort.’

‘Sorry, Bazza,’ the crew droned in unison.

Barry closed his eyes and nodded. ‘I’m not mad, aight? Just a bit disappointed.’

‘What do we do now?’ squelched Kim in her disturbing alien language.

Barry stopped in front of Ryan, the maps bloke. ‘Maps bloke,’ said Barry. ‘Where’s the nearest spaceport?’

‘Uhhhhhh…’ Ryan said as he unfolded a large paper map. ‘…Venus? I think?’

‘Then Venus is where we’ll rebuild the Ice Bag Gang!’ Barry exclaimed, thrusting a finger upwards, or downwards depending on which way they were orientated compared to the plane of the ecliptic. Barry leaned close to Ryan and whispered, ‘Hey, which one’s Venus again?’

‘Uhhhhh…’ Ryan said as he flipped through a Solar System guidebook. ‘The… hot… one?’

‘Ah crap,’ Barry said. ‘Shoulda brought me togs.’

In an annoying, roundabout way, Neckbrace was finally returning to Venus. Despite his promise earlier to remove it if she helped him rob the Rainbow, Barry had still refused to take Neckbrace’s collar off. On top of that, Barry had chosen the worst possible place to land on Venus. The elven city of Elvenstead, population: elves. Still, Venus was Venus, and as far as Neckbrace was concerned it was the only place in the Solar System where she could get some peace and quiet.

As The BB Gun’s escape pod burrowed its way into Venus’ atmosphere, Barry laid out the plan, thus ensuring that it will not work.

‘So we’re pretending to be the last remains of a crew whose ship was stolen by Mercurian pirates, aight? We’ll ask to be taken to the hospital cause we got someone who needs medical attention. That’s where our good mate Jim comes in. Jim’s gonna pretend to have hemorrhoids, so he’ll be our ticket into the hospital. Once we got some cream for Jim—‘

Jim cut in. ‘I don’t actually have—‘'

'ONCE WE GET SOME CREAM FOR JIM,’ Barry continued. ‘We’ll have earned their complete trust. Then we recruit ‘em onto the Ice Bag Gang, get a new ship, blow up that Bonus bloke, and get a washing machine that doesn’t mess with the shower when it’s on.'

The pod jolted, and an electronic voice informed them that they had landed.

‘Everyone got the plan?’ Barry asked. The crew nodded and murmured their affirmative.

With a wide grin on his face, Barry punched the button to open the pod’s main door, and everyone except Neckbrace and Kim instantly melted into a bubbling pile of goo under the immense heat and pressure of Venus' atmosphere. Neckbrace chortled in amusement.

‘Excuse me, are your companions alright?’ someone asked from outside. Neckbrace turned to see an elf, tall and pretty and radiating smugness, peering into the pod. As much as Neckbrace wanted to let them sizzle for a while longer, she would have a better chance of getting back to Vampire country if she had some backup, or at least some backup that wasn’t Kim. Neckbrace snapped her fingers and raised Barry and co as immortal thralls. At least she still had that power. Barry sat up and rubbed his eyes. ‘Ah, cheers Necko,’ he said.

‘Don’t mention it,’ Neckbrace replied. ‘Actually, do mention it. Mention it by taking this collar off.’

Barry shook his head. ‘Yeah, nah, no can do. Oh wait, I’m doing it.’

Now that he was her thrall, Barry was compelled to follow Neckbrace’s every wish. Finally, a more reasonable arrangement! The collar dropped off and Neckbrace felt her power surge back to glorious heights. Then it was repressed once more as the elf outside stepped in and fastened a different collar around Neckbrace’s neck.

‘I’m afraid all vampiric people must have a collar and handler at all times when within city limits,’ the elf said. His smugness made Neckbrace gag, or maybe it was just the nauseating effect of the collar.

‘I hate all the things that make up you,’ Neckbrace rasped.

If the elf was offended, he gave no indication of it. ‘It is simply a policy to maintain safety and security amongst our citizens.’

‘Barry, spit on the elf nerd,’ Neckbrace said.

Barry spat on the elf nerd. Again, the elf did not react except to clean the saliva off of himself with a quick detergent spell.

‘Your handler shall be Lorelei Aramenor, first daughter of the High Stakesman,’ the elf said, gesturing to a young elf girl beside him. Lorelei raised two fingers and said, ‘Yo.’

‘I’m with the cranium tribe,’ Neckbrace told the man elf. ‘When I get out of here, they’ll—‘

‘Yes, yes. We are quite aware of your little vampire groups,’ the elf replied. ‘Lorelei will now take you on a scenic tower of our beautiful city.’

Lorelei thumbed behind her. ‘Let’s hit the road, jerks.’

‘HELP!’ Barry suddenly cried. ‘IT’S JIM, HE’S—‘

‘Can the plan,’ Neckbrace said. ‘We’re following the kid until we can get out of this hole.’

‘Ah,’ said Barry, turning to the two elves. ‘Don’t worry, Jim doesn’t have hemorrhoids. No hospital needed.’

The elves gave him a quizzical look, then moved on.

‘I will be leaving now,’ said the man elf. ‘I trust you are able to handle this, Lorelei?’

Lorelei waved him off. ‘Sure, whatever. I’ll be fine, just go.’

The man elf grimaced, then shuffled off the intricately decorated landing platform, his gold robes trailing behind him.

‘Hey,’ said Lorelei once he was gone. ‘You guys wanna have some real fun?’