“I lost the big game.”Asisi admitted. Audible gasps shot throughout the crowd of four. Zune simply nodded as he channeled Guy Blanco’s power to take control of the interview.

“ It was against the Bawstawn Axes. The score was one to one. I had just won rookie of the year. It was extra time, and I had a straight shot for the goal. If I missed, we would lose the league title on goal tiebreakers.”

“Oh wow, so low pressure, no big deal.” Zune jested. The audience chuckled. Zune was pleased to see that even Asisi had a smirk on his face. The interview was so close to the pinnacle of late night television sincerity that Zune could taste it.

********

Asisi was shocked. The memory, somehow, was no longer painful. It was humbling, yes, but something about the format of this Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em format differed from his prior interviews. In fact, it differed in one very important way. In Tavornac, everyone who interviewed Asisi had wanted to fail. Nay, they encouraged him to fail. Failure, disappointment, and drama were the lifeblood of the Tavornacian reporters. They thrived on it. The more and more pressure they placed on the “unbeatable rookie,” the more catastrophic his failure would be. They had wanted his career to collapse.

Zune was different. The small kobold wanted Asisi to win. No. He needed Asisi to win. And the only way Asisi could win would be to tell the truth. The full truth. And with that truth Asisi could finally claim the ultimate victory over those malicious reporters: he would control his own life again. This victory, however, wouldn’t just be for him. It would be for the fans at home that wondered where he had gone. It would be for the audience, who finally got to know him after twenty years. And it would be for the kobold, who was working towards complete mastery of his craft. Asisi then uttered the truth, and nothing but the truth, as if compelled by a force stronger and more powerful than the gods.

“And with my straight away shot, with all of this pressure on me, I hit the crossbar, and time ended. I failed. I failed all of my fans. I was so ashamed I quit it entirely.” Asisi admitted.

“And then what happened?” Zune asked.

“And then I found the worst place on the planet to own a soccer ball and moved there so I would never have to see one again!” Asisi joked.

Asisi shocked himself. He couldn’t believe he had made a joke (even if it was not very good) about the most traumatic moment of his life. The audience was laughing with him. He felt good. Very good.

******

Zune had done it! The kobold did a little dance in his chair as he laughed to Asisi’s joke. And then he felt something stir inside him. The power of the variety portion of the third episode of The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em beckoned him. Zune knew how this episode was going to end.

On instinct, Zune motioned backstage for someone (or something) to throw him a soccer ball. The smooth ball landed in his claw-like hands, no doubt a gift of the gracious Guy Blanco. Zune pointed to a window in the back of the saloon. The power of Guy Blanco coursed through the venue, and a spotlight appeared to highlight the window, which (by pure narratively convenient coincidence) was the same dimensions as a regulation soccer net.

“How would you like one more chance at that goal, Asisi?”

Asisi nodded. The crowd cheered him on. Zune set the ball down on the stage, and looked at Asisi for confirmation that the ex-soccer star was ready.

“A-si-si! A-si-si!” The crowd and Zune chanted in unison.

Asisi ran for the ball, and for a moment his vision blurred and he was back at the big game twenty years ago. It was a straight shot. He wouldn’t miss this time. Not again. He was healed. And so with all his might, Asisi Vermouth, number twelve, shot the ball like a bullet through the net. The crowd cheered his name. Asisi took a bow, and he was back in the saloon.

The window had been destroyed. The ball shot straight through the metal crossbars at such a speed that some of the glass hung molten in the window frame. Asisi’s clothes had changed. He was back in his number twelve uniform. It was brand new. Huh.

The four audience members stood up in a standing ovation. Zune was bowing alongside Asisi.

“Ladies and Gentleman, that was the Slighty-Late Show With Zune Tee-em. That was our special guest, soccer star Asisi Vermouth. I’m your host Zune Tee-em. Good night folks! Thank you for watching!” The kobold took a deep bow as the crowd cheered even louder. The player piano struck to life playing an odd tune that was unlike anything anyone (except Zune) had ever heard.

The spotlight and the piano cut out. The show was over. The building began to rumble, and everyone in the saloon realized what had just happened: the window crossbar, which had been the only bit of support holding up the stolen East of Eden: Combination Saloon and Daycare for the past twenty years had finally failed. And then the whole saloon came down with it.

And thus, Zune Tee-em, on the third episode of The Slightly-Late Show with Zune Tee-em, metaphorically and literally brought the house down.