That next day, we are forming up for a large-scale dungeon practice. We are still not going to push into the so-called dangerous floors, but we are assembling as to get a feel for chain of command and operating not only with our units, but also across units. It seems they have taken personal relations somewhat into account, as we are eventually divided into five groups of six. Each group then has a head, which reports directly to the Ahorn, who has a few units of his own, who stay behind. I am placed in a group together with Derby, under Yorgar.

It seems that all that are melee, three pairs of spear and sword, and each head has some way of ranged attacking, judging by how Nimor and Yorgar are both heads. We head to the dungeon’s tenth floor to train.

It is incredibly weird to not follow your own judgment, and I constantly break rank, even though I am not supposed to, because I see an opening to kill a monster. I am repeatedly scolded for my transgression, but then I feel like I overcompensate and barely do anything, when not instructed to. It feels stinted and boring, when you merely focus on keeping the defense up, and making room for the spear user behind you to attack.

Fighting can actually be pretty fun, when you get to engage with the monsters in a dynamic way. Parrying, jumping in, exposing yourself for a slash, using your judgment on when to move can all be pretty engaging activities, almost like a game to play. I wonder if I only feel that now, since I am being told not to, that I have lost my motivation for creating sports and I can enjoy myself in the present or if it has something to do with no danger really being posed to me.

That last part is a bit of a lie. There is a danger being posed to me. First the reveal of my immortality, but I don’t really think about that. What I think about far more is the spear user behind me failing and it exposing the group to danger. I get that these people here are all supposed to be somewhat high level and thus there are no real danger here on the tenth floor. But what when we descend? Would I risk losing the brother I miraculously reunited with? Or Derby, the nice old man? I think maybe, it is more troublesome to be partnered with those you know because such emotions can cause anxiety.

The practice itself goes so-so. After I have resigned myself to boring defense-duty, it becomes easier to follow the order, when they are given out. Short calls for turning and facing, joining shields with adjacent groups, moving into different formations, switching to our new shields on sticks, which look kind of flimsy and so on. It feels very tedious.

Once the day is over, Yorgar picks up talk with me on the way back. “Hey, I had a talk with Vasha late yesterday, after you left…” I grimace in anticipation. It didn’t go well yesterday.

“Don’t you think you are a little… Aggressive, when it comes to Amina?”

“I mean, I am just frustrated. I have been banging my head on this wall for two years… And sometimes I feel progress, but it just never stays and it feels like it vanishes into nothing.” I defend my actions.

“You mean to say you understand she isn’t interested and you keep pushing for it?”

I guess I do. I nod to confirm.

“Love can poison the mind, you better be careful. What is it about her that has ensnared you so much?”

Huh? What do I like about Amina? I think over our relation. I started out thinking she was a pain, but then I just naturally ended up with her. And… Grew conscious of her body, wanting to embrace it when I felt lonely… Is that what she is to me? A glorified body pillow to soothe me?

“I- I don’t know” I answer honestly. For some reason, I am really scared to part with Amina. But I don’t think I really have a reason to be so scared. What is she to me? She is really just a timid girl, who seems to live in the way that’s the easiest in the moment. She only bet on me because she was subject to abuse. What am I to her? Merely a convenient way to get by in this world?

The thought jump over to how women get by in this world. Be it before or now, the only women I have encountered in society, that didn’t seem to get by on getting married were few and far between. I have only seen women with powerful gifts be hunters. I have seen a few receptionists for the guild here and there, but that is it. Every craft, every daily activity that could provide for people, seem to be overly saturated by men. The merchants are only men, the blacksmiths are only men, the cobblers and leatherworkers and so on are only men. And of course the hunters… Maybe she just wants to get by without being married but why?

“Seems you have a lot on your mind…” Yorgar snaps me out of my train of thought after a little while.

“Actually, I have an idea. I think it will be good for you! Keep your schedule open for tonight!” He picks up his usual energetic demeanor, and leaves me to talk with Nimor and Arin, who are further up. Arin turns, looks at me and smiles.

Just what are they planning?