It Doesn’t Make Sense

(Wilhelm Dragonsong)

When I first came to this world, it did really take some time for me to recall these memories.

Remembering that strange and somewhat fun time, when I was almost without memories, quite clearly I can tell you that even before I was even able to recall even the fuzziest part of these memories, I still had the desires and dream that came from them, even without them.

That should tell you just how strong that desire was.

Before you ask: if this is so why I didn’t try to accomplish that dream much earlier? The thing is I did, the key word being tried…I tried many times actually but various things would always compel me to stop before I had ever truly begun.

Of course there were some loop holes which is how and why I developed that close combat magic that I so excessively proudly mentioned in the very beginning of this story, but the so called ‘loop holes’ could only be considered alternatives or substitutes and not the real thing.

In fact whenever the loop holes got close to being the real thing, the obstacles would immediately pop up again almost like a warning. Some of these obstacles seem silly and weren’t really that threatening the worst and most often happening would I guess be, the times when my clumsiness would suddenly act up in an extreme manner.

Clumsiness was the most minor and most expected especially since it is a trait of myself, but there were other times, when things that had nothing to do with me would happen, like the earth shaking and disrupting my concentration, or a loud sound that no one else could hear.

The strongest opposition however was not some obvious thing like that, or the worse that shall probably remain unmentioned for now, but rather it was that hidden force I think I have at least mentioned before, though I think I probably referred to it as motivation or force or some word similar.

But in actually I don’t think either is an accurate enough word for that ‘feeling’, for it doesn’t really fit the word ‘force’ for it doesn’t take away my choices, or ‘force’ me to do anything. There has actually been several times where I chose against it and usually my better judgment. However for all of those times I got into situations that I would later if not regret then at least not feel proud about.

On the other hand just about every time I have given into that …’intuition’ everything had usually turned out swimmingly at worst and perfectly at best. And the few times it didn’t, I don’t think the force was wrong even then, I have a hunch that it was just that the many other mitigating factors got in the way preventing full effectiveness.

I am not sure what that feeling is but I am sure that it is more than my own lost memories, because often times it goes completely cross purposes to a decision that I myself would make. I am not sure if I am even related to that feeling at all, it could possibly be that it is an aspect of someone or something else entirely and I am just one of possibly many (?) others influenced, and affected by it.

Though obviously from my point of view it is probably something intrinsically tied to the reason behind my lost memories and possibly my purpose in this world. That is if I am here for a reason and if I actually have a purpose in this world, both of which I am not completely sure, in fact really have no idea about.

All I know, is that it is the main reason that I decided to drop my life as a mage, at least temporarily and try to learn the true way of a warrior was that I suddenly knew that it was ‘time’.

Not that it was a hard thing to do as it was what I have always wanted anyway It had happened suddenly and without warning, not long after that war that made me a ‘hero’ ended, it came and told me (though not really in words more like I just ‘knew’) that now I would be able, to if not completely step on to the path then at least to be able to start building my foundation without the barriers of the past and it was so.

I was suddenly almost like a normal person, and though I still retained much of my clumsiness it was no longer to the point of debilitating or stopping me from practicing exercise.

I also, surprisingly even to me, I even saw some results from said practice and exercise physically, I got a little bit of muscle definition and my clumsiness slightly lessened. Though this is only something vaguely cosmetic it is something that I cannot recall ever happening before.

In the past my condition and body never changed at all no matter what I did or what happened to me. For example I can and have eaten more than the worst gluttonous pig you can imagine, then sit around doing not a lick of movement and I wouldn’t gain an once, and neither would I feel the slightest bit sick or weakened.

Actually as a possibly interesting side note I don’t really feel hunger and thirst in the same way that others seem to…

That is I don’t usually feel them at all unless I ‘want’ to, I suspicion that even if I never ate or drank anything ever again I would probably be perfectly fine, though as the occasional intake of delicious food is one of my rare and few pleasures I haven’t ever instinctively tried to prove this.

When I made and completed the contract with my new apprentice, I influenced by that hidden power had added a few things that I didn’t fully understand but knew to be harmless even if wrong or failed (not real), and ever since I did, despite it being only a short amount of time I have already noticed several new changes in myself.

The most noticeable being that the mysterious restriction preventing me from taking the martial path had been lessened or perhaps even removed even more.

You should have wondered before why a man competent enough to learn things almost purely from self-study and become a teacher is not competent enough to learn martial arts or the ways of warrior hood through that same self-study and observations.

And let’s not even mention my ability and skills in crafting and research.

Personally it still boggles my mind when I think of things from a third person perspective. Why was I able to understand magic so easily and instinctively? I even reverse engineered magic of the people of this world with just a bit of effort!

Then on the other hand, I was always clumsy to the point of ridiculousness, no matter how much effort I put into practicing, not mentioning the mysterious, not even mentioning again the various ‘warnings’ that tried to stop me, when I tried to use my body without the support and auto-correction of my various magics, I would fail period.

You know why this sounds like it doesn’t make sense?

I will be glad to tell you.

It is obviously because: IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!