The portal is floating there, menacingly, guarding my sacred throne. If portals were sentient, I’m sure this one was gloating over depriving me of my basic human needs. My bowels call out to me in pain, “relieve us,” they moan pitifully.

It has been the bane of my existence for the past few weeks, forcing me to use the toilet at my work or any other place I can find. How I could've even forgotten about its existence, I don't know.

I am tempted to give in and jump into the portal, but the careful person in me worries what hides on the other side. What if it’s some kind of black hole ready to compress me into a pitifully small sphere of organic matter. Maybe it’s a wormhole, but even if it’s safe to travel through –which I have no way of telling at all – it just might transport me into space, which would be an awful way to die.

Then again, it could also lead to a fantastic magical world of swords and heroes, desperate for the help of an outsider. I’ve been reading too many novels lately, that’s for sure. I’m putting myself on a documentary-only diet for the foreseeable future. These fairy tales are affecting my judgment.

My stomach howls once more with vigor, demanding some much-needed respite. I can feel my resolve crumbling, withered away by a long day as I make up my mind. I don’t want to die and get squeezed into a compact Eugene-ball, but when a man has to shit, sacrifices have to be made!

Steeling my nerves, I decide to run into the ominous portal. If I die, at least no one will find me covered in my own excrement. As I cross into the gate, I can feel myself moving even without actually walking further. There is no wind blowing past my sparse hair to indicate that I’m traversing whatever dimension this might be, but intuitively I still sense that I am heading somewhere, or instead that I’m being taken somewhere.

My vision is black despite my eyes being wide open, trying to take in any shape, color, or movement. Everything stays darker than black as if nothing exists where I’m being dragged to. Eventually, I can sense that I’m nearing the end of this interdimensional tunnel. Not because I’m starting to see the world around me again but because I can sense it. Somehow it feels like I am being connected to the world around me through strings.

My thoughts proved to be correct as my vision slowly returns to me and, I find myself in a damp old cave. Not quite the death I was expecting when jumping into the void, but I suppose being alive is a blessing regardless of where I am.

As I realize I’m not in immediate danger, my body decides to remind me of my quest. Your throne awaits you. Sit on it to banish your curse into the depth of the ocean! Luckily for me, this quest will not take years to complete as I spot my treasure on a slab of rock.

I hurry to my toilet as I can barely hold on any longer. Unbuckling my pants with practiced ease, I slid them down and assumed the position as I have many times before. Finally, I know what tranquility feels like. Wait a minute, does plumbing even work here? I’m pretty sure the toilet is standing on nothing but rock. How will I even flush? How will I even bring back the bowl? I don’t want to get teleported to a cave every time I have Mexican food.

I finish up and wipe my ass; luckily, I keep a role on top of the tank out of laziness. As I’m done and reach to pull up my pants, I hear a squeaking grunt, high-pitched but aggressive. Figures there would be animals in this cave—just my luck.

“Choo, choo” I try to scare it away, not wanting to deal with anything else right now. The angry squeaks seem to be getting closer, though. Excellent, now I have to stand up and intimidate it before the rabid cave squirrel decides it wants to snatch and hide away my very own nuts for its winter sleep.

I slide up my underwear just to be safe and stand up, trying to scare away whatever animal it is by talking loudly.

“There’s no food here. Unless you want some chocolate nuggets,” I exclaim, snickering inwardly at the image it conjures in my mind. The high-pitched snarls, however, continue to move closer.

Worry starts to set in my mind. It doesn’t sound menacing, but if it attacks me, I’ll probably get hurt. “Go away!” I yell, but panic is beginning to embrace my voice. The snarls and squeaks continue to get closer as I struggle to stay calm, not pulling up my pants in case I get attacked.

I can make out a vague shadow moving closer. It seems to be vaguely humanoid and walking on its feet only. Did I get transported to some tropical area filled with monkeys? If I did, this cold, damp cave sure doesn’t fit the stereotype.

The ape-like creature approaches, moving closer to the light. Is that thing green? What kind of monkey is green? Did it lose a bet with its monkey-friends? Why is it holding a knife, drooling while looking at me?

Wait a minute, monkeys aren’t green, nor do they use knives. It sure as hell doesn’t look like it’s craving a banana right now, either. The creature keeps approaching me slowly, moving into the light and allowing me to inspect it more closely. It appears to be more humanoid than I first thought, having a wrinkly face resembling an angry old man painted green. It had two large, pointed ears, pierced with multiple gold earrings—a short, scrawny appearance as it stood hunched forward, ready to attack.

It was relatively small compared to me, barely reaching my stomach, but with a wicked-looking dagger as his, I wouldn’t be letting my guard down any time soon. Is this what a goblin looks like?

“I’m, uh, still using it, gimme a second.” I manage to stutter out, hoping that it actually was after the toilet and not my flesh.

“Grrah!” it snarled in a high pitch, sounding more guttural than before. I feel like it’s going to get pounced any second now. Remembering I still have my backpack, I slowly try to take it off, hoping to entice it with some delicious discount chicken-flavored ramen.

“Here, you want some noodles, buddy? I got plenty of food if you want?” I try to sound soothing without letting it realize how scared I am.

It seems disinterested in my offers, though as I can feel its gaze eyeing me hungrily still like, I’m wearing a miniskirt during ladies night at the club.

“Grrah, arkh!” it screams out, looking like it’s about to jump me. Is this how I die? I don’t want to get killed on a toilet.