《August》Chapter 05

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On a particularly emotionally torturous silent night, I thought a lot about my life and the relationships I had built along the way, and how those relationships have affected my existence. Because life is so finite and at the end of human existence, what will really define the quality of this experience is the way we impact the lives of the people around us.

And in that same night I realized that I did not want to have a bad experience and realized at the end of my life that I had not positively impacted the people around me.

That was a really curious thought because no matter what you do, at some point in your existence, you will negatively impact your own life and the people around you. Because sometimes people do bad things and make bad choices — this is life, and no one can do anything about it.

And because of all these epiphanies I had in the middle of that night when I could not sleep, I remember what Audrey told me. For this reason, I thought about my surreal fear of losing Jason and in my fear of my own emotions. And above all, I thought about my mediocre attempt to avoid my reality. And with these foolish acts I risked my friendship with Jason and with the people around me

When I really started to think about my actions and emotions, I realized that the main action I had been avoiding for centuries was the decision I needed to make regarding my feelings towards Jason.

I did not want to ruin our friendship and I did not want to say how I felt about him.

But I think that deep in my heart I wished he would choose me. Just choose me. Because even though at that moment I only had pieces of broken glass in my body, I did not want to put him on the wall and make him pick between having a romantic relationship with me or breaking what was once my heart.

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Those were the tangles of words that stayed in my head until dawn.

And when the first rays of sunlight broke through the curtain of my darkened room, I realized that I should let him go. Because at the end of the road, all that swirl of emotions inside me was not good for my mental health. That was not good for me. And all these feelings that stayed in my head like a stone wall would only bring me pain and regret.

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