I found Jason sitting alone on my backyard swing.

He did not see me right away.

And I almost said his name out loud.

Almost.

But I did not want him to see me. I wanted to see him.

For a brief moment.

Alone.

He swayed slowly on the swing

His hair was messy, and the sun made it shiny.

He was wearing a light blue t-shirt.

And I could see the olive wood resin pendant that we bought when we were small kids around his neck.

He was beautiful.

And I wanted to look at him for all eternity

But I could not do that.

Because the world is unfair in a cruel and miserable way.

I take a step forward.

And another.

“Hey Jason,” I said as I walked over to sit on the swing next to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, slowly, “I mean, I'm not fine at all. But I think I'll be okay. In the end.”

I nodded.

I wanted to say something.

Anything.

But my voice was locked inside my body. And the only thing I could do was drown myself along with my words. The only thing I could do was drown in the words I never dared say out aloud.

We swing.

Slowly.

“You did not go to school today,” I said, stating the obvious.

“Yes,” he said, “I wanted some time alone in the morning. I just wanted to think about everything that happened yesterday.”

“This seems reasonable,” I said gently.

He shook his head with a smile on his face.

But that smile did not reach his eyes. And it was not kind. Or beautiful.

I wanted to take my words back.

“I think it would be reasonable if in the end I didn't use this time to go to Behati's house,” he said like it was a bad joke.

“What?” I whispered.

“I went to her house, so I could talk to her when she got home from school. I went to her house like a big idiot,” he said as his fingers turned white from squeezing the swing chain.

I looked at him without understanding anything.

“We fought. We fought like two children,” he said as if he could not understand something simple, as if he could not understand something as simple as gravity.

“I couldn't control myself. I couldn't control myself,” his voice sounded like dust in a hurricane. Insignificant and tiny in the vastness of the unknown. “The words came out of me, but I couldn't control them. And I just stood there watching those horrible words hurt her, and I couldn't do anything.”

I was paralyzed. And my mind was hammering with the pain I heard in his voice.

“I saw her eyes when those words hit her,” he said, “I saw her eyes and I saw how much I hurt her. And for a moment I was happy with her pain, because for a second I felt like it was some kind of revenge,” he said, sounding like he was choking on those words. “I was so happy about it. I was so happy because I wanted to take that pain out of my chest and I wanted her to feel some of that pain too. I wanted her to feel the betrayal I felt yesterday.”

I wanted to get up and run away. I wanted to go and lie under a million blankets, and I wanted to stay there forever.

I wanted to escape Jason's suffering. I wanted to escape his sick thoughts. I did not want to hear his pain and witness his sadness. And I did not want to hear his words about revenge. And I did not want to feel my heart falling apart.

I wanted to run away to find a world where people did not grieve for the people they loved.

I took a deep breath and looked into those eyes that for so long have meant the world to me.

He looked at me. But he did not see me.

“And the only thing I wanted to do after I realized what I had done, what I was feeling, was taking those words back and throwing them into the ocean to keep them from hurting her. But I couldn't do it. It was too late,” he said. “All that was left inside me was regret and the feeling of being out of control.” He brought both hands to his hair and ran it through the strands, “all that was left inside me was shame because I can't control myself with the sweetest person I've ever met.”

I stopped breathing, and my lungs filled with stones and my chest hurt.

The familiar feeling of inferiority resurfaced from the depths of my heart like poison.

I closed my eyes and controlled my breathing.

I opened it and looked at him.

And I saw pain and confusion and shame, and I saw the unmistakable feeling of being lost.

I had no words to offer him.

I had nothing because I was as lost as he was.

And at that moment I felt empty.

I wanted to get out of there.

I took his hand and held it like a buoy in the middle of the storm. I held my breath and said, “I am sorry, Jason.”

I did not hear the sound of breaking glass, but I felt it in my bones, and I felt time stop for mere seconds before the world went back to spinning like it used to before everything came crashing down.

The first indication that something precious had been lost was the tears that sprang to his eyes.

The second was the way he held my hand tightly.

And the third was the way he could not control his breathing anymore.

He was falling apart in front of me.

I started to cry too.

And for a moment it felt like we were children again and the world had started to lose the glow of innocence and the only thing we could do was cry in the dark of Jason's room.

I saw the tears fall down Jason's cheek and I heard him take a deep breath

“We break up,” he said in a broken voice, “she left.”

He got up and started walking in front of the swings.

“And the only thing I could do was stand in the middle of that road while she drove away.” he stopped walking and looked at me with red eyes, “I felt useless, like a toy that is no longer fun” he whispered.

I got up quickly and hugged him with all my strength. And I felt him wrap his arms around me, and I felt in heaven for a moment. I felt his scent surround me as he rested his chin on my head, and I felt my heart expand as he kissed my forehead, just like when we were small kids.

“It scared me,” he said carefully, “this feeling of not having power over my own emotions,” he said against my hair.

My heart turned to sand, and it was carried away by the sea.

“You will be fine, Jason,” I whispered to him. “I know that everything seems to be falling apart, but you need to remember that you are in control. You. Not your emotions. Not your fear, or anger, or the terrifying feeling of being lost. You are in control of your life,” I said as I hugged him.

I closed my eyes, and I broke away from his embrace, and took a step back. And after a moment of hesitation I finally took his face in my hands, and said what was in my heart for a long time, “if at any time you feel like you are sinking inside your own mind, you just need to take a deep breath and remember that I am here with you. I am here for you. And we can always be lost together, Jason.”

“Are you sure?” he said in a soft and low voice.

“Yes, I am,” I said.