Now that the blue-screen hell is over and done with, we can get back to examining things properly. Like how to get the fuck out of this cesspit of a city and maybe, just maybe, see something other than stinky undead ass before kicking the bucket. Like that dragon I’m unsuccessfully hunting. Damn my shitty luck.

“Look at those tabs… Bubba Jean! This is going to take me awhile to figure out, man. Go find your pants and shoes while I slog through this horrible mess.” Tabs appear, each holding a touch of hope that I may be able to progress now.

Quests, map, notes, skills, status, equipment, inventory, options, and system messages are listed. Well, I’m glad I can go back and look at all those blue-screen messages that popped up. A lot of those were really sarcastic and demeaning, it might be worth looking back on them later for a laugh.

Quests tab brings up what I was afraid of. I have to find my guide that was supposed to be provided to me upon arrival. Worse yet, it is listed as ‘part one of ??’. “Find any survivors, find out what happened to the world, escape desolate planet, kill X amount of zombies. Wait, that one should be done and over with as many as I’ve killed.” I sigh as I see a bunch of smaller fetch quests. At least it shows that I completed the find shelter and food stuffs to survive quests. Thankfully, no time limits are given.

“What’s this? An epic level quest? ‘Exterminate the undead from the planet or find and destroy the cause for the zombie horde’? That could be fun. Not sure I have enough chemical though.” I suppose I could head back and grab the massive stockpile I’ve accrued. Don’t think it’ll be enough though. Why these quests don’t list the rewards or experience gained upon completion kinda sucks though. Can’t have it all I suppose.

“Ya know Bubba Jean, other than being one of the more popular zombies I’ve talked to, I just realized one thing I’ve missed - noise. There is none. Especially now that the world is all still and such. You’d think there’d be a music selector button or background theme music if this is modeled after a game.” I take a glance back at my myriad of tabs and see… yup, options! Maybe, just maybe this will work.

Options tab opens, and sure enough, there is the music-on tab. Slide that on! Serene background music starts to play, giving the world an ambiance it never had before now. Low volume, soft music like you would hear in all the towns across all the games ever made could be heard. “My sanity, you have been saved!”

I make sure to take a close look at my few options in this tab. Log out is grayed out, so that is a no go. Not sure where I’d log out too, but there it is. Auto-loot is a thing! Hot damn, no wonder I never saw any items after the undead buggers faded away. Hide level, hide HP bar, Hide name, and Hide damage counter were all on. How does that work? I could sorta see those things before, granted I had to look really hard to catch even a glimpse of them. Ah well, tab slide to off for all!

Looking at Bubba Jean, I see Zombie (Bubba Jean) level 75 and a red bar that’s full. Huh. Looking at the zombies around him, they are only listed as - you guessed it!, Zombie and their level. “Bubba Jean, I made you a named mob! Oh, congrats to you, you rotting sack of human flesh, you.”

Adding two more bullets to the queue that will hopefully destroy his cranium, I turn from the soon-to-be-dead-again zombie and mosey off while pulling up the map tab.

The map tab listed what I was afraid to see - a massive, almost worldwide, metropolis of grey buildings all over it. The devs did a poor job of this one. The other possibility is that this is a real world and they over domesticated the hell out of it. The regulators on my world would have had a shit fit at this level of civilization with nothing other than concrete jungle.

Located in the center of the map, there was an icon of myself. I’m going to guess that is where I am. Follow back South and yes, there are the red dots that I was supposed to be dealing with while I was in the area. I hover my finger over one of the red blinking dots and a title pops up. This title corresponds with a quest, so that’ll work out fine. Zooming in works too, get to see all the bland and boring detail of the grid like pattern for the city.

Zooming back out, I get an idea of scale and distance. I… ran a pretty far distance. Seeing as I had no actual way to determine the exact amount of time I spent traveling as far as I did, I’m so not looking forward to having to trek all the way back.

“Is fast travel a thing?” I feel a bit foolish asking aloud, but since I get the option to do so I’m ecstatic!

“Do you wish to fast travel to this location?”

“Hell yes I d…” Cut off again, as I suddenly appear at the marker I had chosen. Thankfully, it was right near my tower, which I can see a few blocks away down the road.

“Never thought I’d say I missed that hunk of concrete and steel. I sorely missed you tower!” I wave and yell at the tower. I take a glance at my surroundings and note that all the zombies are still present and still are frozen with bullets poised to enter their frontal lobe and wreck shit.

Glancing at my map again to find out which quest I picked, it was for a fetch quest. Get X amount of X and turn in to X at X. Blah blah, yadda yadda. Poking more blinking red lights, I finally found the one for my guide. Poking my finger through it, I get my bearings as I glance around. Looks like I’ve got a minor HUD effect going. As I turn my head to and fro, I see a red dot at the center of the bottom of my vision that moves like a compass as I shake my head side to side. That’ll make tracking things much easier.

Setting off at a casual stroll, I’m excited and more than a little giddy. I finally have a direction and purpose again! The mini vacation was nice and all but it lacked anything truly meaningful. Always checking to see if more bullets need to be fired and dancing around the mobs, I make my way to grandmoth-, erm, to my destination.

A twenty minute stroll leads me to the same scenery I’ve been bored out of my mind with the entire time I’ve been present. It has me in the middle of a street, the exact middle, with nothing else noticeable present. “Cliche much? Look down and save us all the trouble Gram.”

Suiting words to action, I look down and there it is! The manhole cover I NEVER noticed the entire time I was here. Granted, I wasn’t looking for one either, but that’s besides the point. I reach down and hoist the oversized manhole cover up then move it above the nearest undead’s head. Least that one won’t splatter upwards if the head blows.

I peek my head down through the manhole to get an idea of what I’m dealing with. Dark, damp, completely unmoving. I hop down, waiting to see if time restarts, and brace myself for anything.

Which turns out to be nothing. Moving down the tunnel, I keep an eye on the little red dot that’s leading me to who knows where. I occasionally bounce off the walls, mainly to avoid the poo and other nasties that are stuck in time as I mosey through the tunnel system that is likely the sewer.

“‘A pig is an animal with dirt on his face, his shoes are a terrible disgrace’ and there are no mobs down here that I’ve seen for the past however minutes I’ve been walking. I knew I should have broken out into song the moment I dropped into the sewer!” More bouncing and kicking off walls and definitely singing.

I finally come to an intersection, the little red dot moves left. I move left as well. “Walk this way, but don’t talk this way!” I crab walk for no other reason than I can. “That hatter has nothing on this soldier boy. Tea? I would prefer coffee, thank you very much!”

With time stuck, there is no echo of my voice or steps while traversing the labyrinth. After a brief time, I finally arrive at an interesting location. An underground grotto, with sunlight streaming through the clutter of leafy foliage above. Green grass and flowers litter the intersection with a very attractive tree set smack in the middle. In the center of the tree is an orb that’s glowing a white and pink.

“If that’s what I think it is, I sure as hell do not need a Nav light to accompany me on my journey telling me to listen. I call bullshit.” I pout for a minute while staring and hoping it’s not what I think it is. Sighing, I make my way towards the glorified night light. Still grumbling as I approach the base of the tree, which is taller than I thought it’d be. “I don’t even have blonde hair or pointy ears.”

Aware of what is likely about to occur, I step back and take the time to examine my surroundings. I walk around the tree and the whole perimeter of the grotto to make sure there are no obvious threats that will jump at me the moment I make contact with the little flashlight. Sighing again when nothing is found, I head back to the tree and prepare for the oncoming trouble.

I pause and think a moment. I step back and grin. Opening my map, I see what I was hoping for; a quick travel dot to this location. Grinning wider, I fast travel back to my lonely tower and proceed to grab as many bombs and chemicals to make as many more as I can.

Another indeterminable amount of time passes again and I’m stocked up with my explosives. Why? I’m about to activate a major quest. Game logic dictates that a boss will appear shortly after the pink pixie awakens. While I’m not eager to blow up the only tree I’ve found on this miserable world, I’m also not going to run face first into a boss without some preparation if I can help it. Seriously, time is stuck still. I’ve been abusing that and I plan to continue this trend!

Fast traveling back to the grotto, I start to slowly explore properly. There is the path I came from and another path sequestered behind the tree. Moving through this new tunnel shows nothing at first. Slight bend, turn, straightaway, turn, turn, bend… Massive cave of undead….

Massive slow-motion moving dragon behind said undead…

Stopping to observe in the shadow of the corridor and thankful beyond belief that there is no sound generated from this still-time situation, I watch the dragon move about so slowly it appears I’m watching a frame by frame representation of this scene on a movie screen.

The fact there is any movement at all has me mesmerized. The sheer majesty of this beast, so massively scaled, does inspire awe in me. And tremendous fear.

Frænir - Level ???

Tremble and fear mortal! You have encountered a Legendary beast, capable of destroying civilizations and rending continents apart! Bow before them and beg mercy, for you shall not receive any otherwise...

Fuck. Me.

I swear I pissed myself a little after reading that. Tremble indeed…

Shaking myself and knowing this will be a bad idea, I start to plan my route around the cavern. I have over three hundred explosives in my tiny ass messenger bag. Guess it was a secret bag of holding or some such. I’m not examining this gift bags thread… Sounded so much better in my head.

Not second guessing myself, I start my sprint. Starting on the left hand side, I’ll make clockwise circuits around the room and focus a majority of my homemade explode tubes around the massive scaled lizard with wings.

Completing two outer circuits around the room, I notice Frænir lifting its head up.

A deep rumbling, “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii….”

Ohshitohshitohshit! Running faster, I start to sharply spiral inwards to target a massive amount of the undead as well.

“Sssssmmmmeeeellllllll….”

Down to ninety eight bombs left, I sharply veer to the underside of the dragon and drop all but fifteen bombs. I then high tail it back to the small opening I came in from.

“Yyyyyooooouuuuu….”

Ahhh I forgot to unload on the damn thing! Cursing myself, I turn back around and start another circuit around the room as fast as I can while pulling the triggers of my 9mm pistols faster than I’ve ever pulled the triggers before.

“Hhhhuuuuummmmmaaaannn!”

And with that I dead spring back down the tunnel to the luminescent fluff ball by the tree, dropping bombs behind me as I high tail it.

Dashing into the grotto, I stop in front of the fairy and take a minute or two to catch my breath and listen. If nothing else, I will have greatly pissed off this Legendary dragon. At best, I gain a kill for the ages. At worst, I get to see my Claire again. Win-win as far as I’m concerned.

Bracing myself for the expected backlash, I reach up and poke a finger at the glorified strobe light. The moment my finger makes contact, time resumes running again. By the time I finish breathing out, I get several dozen notifications via blue-screen of harassment.

Congratulations! You’ve completed the quest ‘ Kill X amount of zombies’ part 1!

And part 2. And 3. All the way to part 10. Whoo me, zombie killer extraordinaire. Feel the exuberance.

“▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄███████”

For completing the ‘Kill the zombie’ quest, you are awarded a complimentary thank you! You do good work, keep it up! Oh and you also get this shiny ring. Enjoy.

Shiny ring of the Zombie Slayer. Awards wearer +5 to all stats. Increase damage to zombies by 30%. Increase reputation with slayers of the supernatural that see this ring. Put those undead back in their grave!

A reputational ring huh? I have nothing to compare it with so I’ll go with the bet that it is pretty decent, what with all the stat boosts. I mean, for a base state of fives, an all around addition of five more stat points doubles the might of a level one person. Good times. I put it on and glance at the other notifications, of which there is nothing else of note. Just a few thousand end of battle reports and experience gain windows.

“▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄███████”

“Are you seriously ignoring me?! Hey, Listen!” I glance up, blinking, and look at the flying headlight.

“You did not just say that.” I utter flatley with a deadpan look on my face. “Look, I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation. I will say I have been stuck in this world and stuck in time for over three months looking for you. Given all that I’ve seen so far, I honestly don’t give a flying fuck about what this place is or what damsel needs saving. Hell, the world can burn for all I care.”

“I have about two or so months left to live and I genuinely do not want to do that running all over this concrete slab of a planet trying to solve any bullshit quests you, or any other people that may be here, need me to do.” Having said that while looking straight at the flying glow light, I turn around and start to head back the way I came.

“█████████████████████”

“Now before you go all righteous womanly fury on me, My name is Gram and my wife and unborn child were recently killed in an accident. I have a terminal disease that is eating at my body and I will die in about two months. I have no fucks to give right now.” I enter the tunnel to head back to the surface and stop. Tilting my head, I notice nasty smells and echoing noises coming down the tunnel towards me. The dull roar in the background is steadily getting much louder as well.

Continuing my narrative, “Don’t think I’m not grateful though, because I am extremely grateful to be able to just talk to someone again. But I have enough baggage to deal with, I don’t need everyone else’s accumulated baggage piled on top of mine just from talking to them.”

Pointing into the tunnel, I turn and ask, “What is your name and are there any other exits? I have a feeling the welcoming committee is on it’s way and I’ve already killed enough zombies to finish the quest for this world. Add to that, there is a huge ass dragon likely barreling it’s way towards us… If it’s not dead.”

“Wha, what?” The light pink flashlight sputters and flickers. “You’ve done all ten parts of the quest?! DRAGON?!?”

Nodding slowly like I’m dealing with a small child, I reply, “Yeeeeees, I did. Got a name to go with that pink afterglow?”

“████████████████████████████”

“Mab.”

“Pffft. Hahaha!” I sputter and laugh a minute. “Like Queen Mab, of the faeries? Shakespeare?”

“I’m not sure how you knew I was a queen, but I do not know of this… Shakespeare.” Mab fluttered around my head a few times. “Now that we are introduced, we can bond and then we can leave this sewer. That rumbling is making me… anxious.”

I stare incredulously at Mab for a moment. “Bond? Listen, while I’m not completely sure what that means to you, I’m a widow and I’m still mourning my lost wife and unborn child. No ‘bonding’ for me, thank you very much!”

Mab flies in front of my face and stops, flaring a darker pink. “Imbecile, it’s to finalize the guide contract we were supposed to initialize after you arrived. But you had to go all barbarian and slaughter thousands of undead and apparently piss off a dragon of all things. Accept the prompt so we can be on our way, moron.”

Mab has initiated The Guide Contract - accept? Y/N

“████████████████████████████”

With all the splashing and rumbling heading our way and not even the slightest bit eager to tangle with the denizens of the undead again or Frænir, I sigh and accept.

Cue pretty and dazzling light show. A noticeable aura of power surrounds both of us for a moment, then flickers away after an arm sized band appears to join us.

“Thank you, now we can head to the hub for a proper bath and assessment. You stink so bad, I have no way to properly describe it.” Mab utters daintily with a sniff.

Blinking in slight shock with my jaw partially opened and eyes partially crossed. “I better not have married you.” Those were my last words on this planet that day.