“Wait, where am I?” Pondered Sean Wu. He had respawned in a desolate location, devoid of any life. The land was scarred and barren. There were no trees, much less grass. It would not be incorrect to consider this place a desert of sorts. The dirt around seemed to expand and sink whenever an object stood still for too long. Before Sean realized, he was knee deep and sinking into the ground. “Fuck me, it’s some wuxia-genre quick sand!”

Sean struggled to free himself from the floor’s grasps to no avail. In a state of panic, he began shoveling dirt away from himself, causing the ground to sink even faster.

“Junior, is there a reason you are bathing so rigorously in the bed of Fǎ Shù’s garden?” Bellowed a voice from behind Sean Wu.

[Does it look like I am bathing in dirt? Fuck all, I’m about to drown in quicksand!]

“Well, the bath does seem tempting. Perhaps I will take a dip as well.” A large, hairy man walked forward and stripped down until all he had on was a loincloth. The man then jumped up like a frog and dove straight into the dirt like a synchronized swimmer. “Indeed it is, Indeed it does. This bath hits the spot!”

Sean Wu watched in apathetic disbelief, mouth slightly agape, as the large man began to perform a backstroke through the dirt.

[Is this fucker swimming through the dirt as I’m sinking to my death?]

Just as Sean thought so, the large man swam over to the youth and asked, “Aya, forgive this senior’s rudeness! He* is quick to forget basic formalities. To which affiliation do you belong, junior?”

“Before that, could you get me out of here? I don’t have the strength to get out.” Replied Sean, neck deep in the sinking ground.

“Of course, of course. Aha, you must have used up all your internal energy hiding from Fǎ Shù! That elder is quick to beat any and all who would dare to trespass into his garden.” The large man dug his arm into the ground and with a heave-ho, threw Sean out from the ground. Sean shot straight out of the sinkhole and fell on top of a nearby rock. Ignoring the pain, the youth quickly perched on the rock in fear that the ground may take him again.

“Wait, you said this was a garden. What kind of plant is this Fo Sho raising?

“Aha, junior! Your sect brothers must either take you a fearless tyrant or a foolish chimp! To not know of Fǎ Shù, but still dare to intrude upon his garden!”

The large man laughed and hopped out of the ground. He walked over to gather his clothes while continuing, “Fǎ Shù is the second elder of the Saint Devil Walks a Thousand Paths Sect! You may have noticed while you were in that bath soaking up essence from the salt veins below, but this land is the remnants of what used to be a prime spiritual foundation. The garden is now a withered husk because ten thousand years ago, Fǎ Shù decided to use these grounds to plant a seed he retrieved from an immortal’s tomb long ago. The seed has since grown into a force that has sucked this place dry; of course, that doesn’t stop us cultivators from trying to scavenge what we can, eh?” The large man smiled and nudged at Sean.

The man’s explanation had Sean shook. An entire desert used to nourish one plant? No, this used to be a prime foundation or whatever. That would imply such a land once teemed with scenery and wildlife. What kind of monstrous existence could drain a land to such an extent? Sean’s thoughts were interrupted because right then and there, a great shadow cast over the land, and both men turned to look up at the sky above.

A large palm the size of a fucking I don’t know man-. It was really big. The large hand loomed over the horizon and with a grand force, it slammed down from above the heavens. Now Sean would have died, had it not been for the large man beside him. The large man was huffing, with both hands over his shoulders, struggling to hold up the enormous palm that would have crushed them both.

“Pàng Zi! You dare to intrude upon my domain?!” Bellowed a voice from above. “Just because you are the prime disciple of the One Finger to Rue the Heavens Sect, do not think I will not end your meager existence!”

“That is where you are wrong elder Fǎ Shù. Who’s to say I was not invited?” Mused the Pàng Zi. Jovial as his words may have seemed, his appearance did not match his tone. He was struggling to hold off the palm, as blood spilled from his nostrils.

It was then that a notification appeared before Sean.

QUEST: Beseech the elder to lay down his temper

Second Elder of the Saint Devil runs a Thousand Marathons sect is fuming with anger.

Find a way to quell his rage!

[Reward: +3 Reputation, 50 EXP]

[Wait, why isn’t this a critical quest?! I’m pretty sure getting out of a situation where the alternative is getting slapped into a meat paste by the elder of some fucking devil sect would be worth more than just fifty experience!]

Sean was speechless. What kind of bullshit was this quest system? Nevertheless, he had to find a way out of this situation. He was honestly sick and tired of dying all the time. Wait, isn’t this was a world based on cultivation and understanding the dao? Of course! Sean nodded to himself. When in Rome, do as the Romans do!

“Elder Foh Sho!” Shouted Sean. “It is true we have trespassed along your garden, however, it is not our intention to wrong you.”

“If it is not your intention to wrong, then why have you come to these lands which I have layered with evil sword intent?! Surely anyone with a brain must come to realize the sword dao I scattered about this front?” Thundered the voice.

Sean knew it was do or die in this moment, and he had to come up with something. Fortunately, while Sean may have been an idiot, he was also a moron. No, wait- Because Sean was an idiot, there was no one who could have fulfilled this task better than him, “Elder, I have longed to find a master with whom I could discuss the art of dao with. While I may seem to be a fool and a weakling in your eyes, do not cut me from the same cloth as other cultivators. I am but a scholar seeking the truth.”

This seemed to have made the voice in the sky even angrier, “You dare to assume a mere mortal is fit to be my equal in discussing universal dao?! Very well, let us discourse. If your enlightenment matches your boasts, I will take you as my prime disciple, otherwise, I will give you a fate worse than death!”

Beads of sweat rolled down Sean Wu’s forehead. It was now or never. He had played his hand, and to be frank, his hand was trash. He had nothing. There was no possible way he could compare against a great elder nearly unmatched beneath the heavens in grand dao. That is, it would have been impossible for Sean Wu had not been for his trump card..