Thomas lay down on the bed and turned into goo. Next to him, Elise’s eyes were moving and squinting behind her eyelids as if she was dreaming and Ben had now taken his global form and moved on to the microbiological changes to his anatomy.

“Alright, and finally Darryl.” Volos said. “Let’s see what we’ve got, and remember that it’s okay to stay human if you don’t want to change like your friends. Especially not like…”

Volos glanced over at Thomas’s puddle and shuddered, before returning his attention to Darryl.

“Most people stay as they are, it’s like that every season and this season is much the same.” Volos said. “Human is the theme of this season and supported by Earth culture initiatives, so it’s not a bad or unpopular choice to make. Definitely not something you’ll be punished for like picking a class like assassin that doesn’t excite the main crowd. About 80% of the people remain human, at most changing into a fit or specialised version of themselves by picking one of the human ‘races’ like Sicilian Mobster or Karen Manager.”

“No, I’m okay with changing if it’s a good race.” Darryl said. “It doesn’t matter that much to me.”

“Alright. So, let’s see what your recommendations are.” Volos said.

Several large menus popped up and a figure appeared before Darryl.

Crash-test Dummy

To unlock this species, you require a minimum of 15 Constitution, the I’m a Survivor, I’m gonna make it! Achievement and to have fought in at least one Boss battle without dealing any damage.

The universe is a dangerous place, and filled with stupid and straight-up suicidal species. Earth is not one of those places. The humans have hunted most dangers into extinction and gotten rid of every booboo to such an extent that they even created safe spaces for their feelings. Yes, we too were surprised when some of them managed to make it past the first floor.

But there are some boons to this overly cautious race, especially for our content creators! Earth is overflowing with strange ideas, including the Crash-Test dummy. This low-tech android is made to be as fragile as the average human, have all the same weak spots as the average human and break as easily as the average human. They are forced to intentionally crash vehicles, get whiplashed or are thrown down heights, just to see if they die! If they do, the humans know that it can kill them too and chalk one up for safety. If they don’t, the humans make them do another suicidal stunt! Rinse and repeat until they die, and then the humans make a new Crash-test Dummy. Truly, the story of the Crash-test Dummy is a sad and brutal one.

Some Dummies survived their trials and got tougher. It’s like body cultivation, where you have to endure levels of pain that would kill most people. Fortunately for you, you get to skip that part and just hijack a body with the hard-earned boons already gained! Don’t mind what happened to the body’s original owner, he won’t be silently screaming in the back of your head! Not at all. Just focus on the part where you can survive a lot of what the dungeon will dish out.

This race is a hardy one, designed to survive situations especially when they should kill you. If you ever find yourself way over your head, know that with this race you’ll probably survive even if you don’t actually ‘win’. And usually, surviving is the true victory to be had in here.

You will gain +8 Con, +2 Str, +5 levels in Going Limp and extending this skill’s limit to lvl20, +1 in Pushed Around and Fumble, you gain immunity to all non-acidic poisons and venoms, resistance to cold and falling damage and lesser resistance to fire and lightning damage. You’ll no longer need to breathe or eat. All damage-weathering and -reduction skills train 5% faster.

All your damage output is reduced by 25%. Selecting this species requires your base Constitution to be above 20, and caps your Intelligence and Charisma at 25.

This is an Earth species, you will gain a Silver Earth Box for selecting this option.

Darryl looked at the typical Crash-test Dummy in front of him, and the expression-less mask with the yellow and black quartered circle on its forehead tilted its head to the side mimicking Darryl’s movements. Darryl shuddered and selected the next option.

Darryl’s mirror image changed into a bloated version of himself with his face painted white with a big red nose. He already didn’t like clowns, so this creature with the make-up being part of his real face and his nose bloated with small veins bulging under the surface was going to haunt his nightmares for the next few nights to come.

Suffie the Jolly Clown

To unlock this race, you have to have at least 15 Constitution, been chased around a Boss Battle in an ineffectual but entertaining manner and gained any Clown Achievement (Rodeo Clown!)

Do you know those clowns that throw cakes with fire ants in another clown’s face? Or stuff another clown into a cannon and then ‘accidentally’ swivel it to shoot them into a brick wall rather than through the hoop into the fall-breaking cushions? Or grab a big wacky hammer and hit another clown on the head from behind for shits and giggles? You’re that other clown!

Your job, your very existence, is to get injured, kicked to the curb and tossed around for the audience’s entertainment! And now you have a race to support it! These fat clowns will still feel all the pain of their silly stunts, but they can laugh it away thanks to a dozen antidepressant pills per day! Known to be intentionally silly and reality-defying, these clowns aren’t very good in combat but they are certainly capable of surviving by the skin of their teeth, crawling back to the Safe Zone to readjust their make-up and then do it all again tomorrow!

You will gain +20% damage reduction to all damage taken (but no pain reduction), +3 in the Slapstick Survivor skill and this skill’s limit is extended to lvl20, +3 to Lame Joke Taunt, +1 to the Cockroach skill and you gain the spell ‘Conjure Cake Surprise’ at lvl3. All combat skills will be limited to lvl10 and all damage dealt is decreased by 25%.

This is an Earth species, you will gain a Silver Earth Box for selecting this option.

The buttons didn’t work while the AI narrated the description of this horrendous abomination, but Darryl kept spam-clicking the third recommendation. The moment that the description finally finished, the nightmare fuel disappeared and an armadillo with shields on both arms appeared.

Balled-up Buckler Armadildo

To unlock this race, you need to have reached lvl10 in any shield-related skill.

On the desert planets where the biggest, most ferocious and most ecosystem-defying monsters live, there are few soft and cuddly races. While the Armadildo certainly isn’t soft, they are considered cuddly by some. The Armadildo is one of the toughest small creatures roaming the dangerous deserts and savannahs by being able to curl up into his own shell, which is almost impossible to pierce or slash! They are lighter than their shell is tough, meaning that they barely take bludgeoning damage too unless they find themselves between a rock and a hard place! And they can roll really fast and nimble in their ball form!

They make for popular pets despite their… urges, and they make for even more popular balls in various sports. Aside from their sport utility, they are also used to sate the needs of people that are into bestiality. Bestiality I hear you ask? That’s right! If there is one weakness to their survival technique of rolling with it, it’s their powerful reproductive urges! They are so well-endowed that their erection is too big for their ball form and forces them back into their more vulnerable waddling form. This time with a bonus limb for critical damage! And Armadildos get a hard-on that makes them go hard-off for almost any other species, which many predators use to lure them out of their shell to gobble up, and weird fetishists use to satiate their bestial urges.

The genetically modified Balled-up Buckler is no longer a beast, it has been turned into a dim-witted and obedient but still sentient and intelligent-ish being. They never removed the urges though, and that was probably by design! Plenty of solar systems don’t forbid bestiality when it’s with a technically sentient being that can consent, after all! These improved Armadildos specialise in being almost impossible to kill, even more so than the regular variant, by wielding shields. Yes, that’s it. It’s a pretty big deal for these guys.

You will gain Armadildo Curl-up Defences, +3 Rolling with the Blows, +2 in all self-protection and shield skills, +2 Revolutionary Navigation, +6 Con, +3 Dex, -4 Int (minimum of 2, I love how you’re so stupid that I have to specify that your intelligence won’t go negative). You can wield a shield on both arms without penalties, and when curled up your whole shell gains all benefits of both shields and any shield-like protections you’re wielding.

All damage dealt by weapons and spells is reduced by 80%, your Intelligence will be capped at 5 and your Charisma at 10. All Charisma, Charm and Seduction skills are twice as effective on you.

“I think the AI doesn’t like me.” Darryl said.

“I don’t know, these are some really good races, actually. Like, really good for a specific survival build.” Volos said.

“…”

“True, they are not exactly flattering.” Volos hesitantly said.

“They all seem to revolve around me getting beaten up, or being a joke. Or both.” Darryl said.

“While that’s true, that’s not actually a bad thing.” Volos tried to reassure him. “It looks like the AI wants you to take a punching bag role, meaning that you will indeed get thrown into unbeatable and extremely dangerous situations, but you’ll get to survive them and get some great achievements and fast level progression because of it.

“The punching bag is one of those roles that are less random than other crawlers, they’re more guided by Borant and the AI to get into and survive specific situations. It’s almost like getting plot problems and plot armour, to some extent. You won’t be confronted with anything that you cannot survive, usually, unless you resist going with the script.

“But that’s a very good thing. It means more popularity, you’ll get to live, and you get a much better than average chance to make it to a floor where you’ll get a deal to leave this place.”

“Really?” Darryl asked.

“Really.” Volos assured him. “It may be tough and at times humiliating, but it’s not terrible. Well, for this place, at least. Just chin up and survive the monsters they’ll throw at you head-on.”

“That armadillo does sound incredibly good, yes.” Darryl said. “It sounds weird and I don’t like the whole giant penis joke that I’ll turn into, but those boons are amazingly potent.”

“Indeed. It’s a very powerful species.” Volos said. “Those cufflinks you wear would extend to your entire body when balled up, making you literally as hard as steel on top of everything else. Your shielding skill’s elementary resistance would make you almost invulnerable to the elements. Fire can still overheat you for example, but barely deals damage just for touching you.”

“But?” Darryl asked.

“But it’s a solo build, or a group’s scout at best.” Volos said. “You’ll be between 30-40cm tall and your form is meant to be tossed around even if you won’t feel the damage yourself. Meaning that you cannot be the shield between your friends and the monsters any more, aside from a few ways like bouncing in front of enemies or using your missile attraction to draw fire away from the group. But you’d work best alone or with other Armadildos.

“And it comes with one very obvious weakness. You won’t get a choice to get aroused, it will be like puberty all over again but several times worse. Unless you castrate yourself, which is a good way to piss off the AI, you will find yourself in a dire situation every time someone casts a charm spell on you. Almost all your defences will be stripped away and your speed is reduced to the equivalent of walking with your pants around your ankles. And not mentioned here, the blood flow change will make you actively more stupid. It won’t be a death warrant, but only if you’re popular or can avoid all seductive mobs.”

“I see. What about these skills, is Revolutionary Navigation a good pathfinding skill?” Darryl asked.

“Not at all, as it has nothing to do with pathfinding.” Volos said. “That skill means you can handle spinning around like you’re in a dryer and still know which way to go. A necessity for a race that prefers moving around curled-up in a ball, instead of walking on two feet. Rolling with the Blows is a defence skill that only works if you don’t stand still and resist the blow, and those improvements on all skills of a certain kind will only apply on skills you already have. You won’t be unlocking new skills with it, but if you gain a new defensive skill it will automatically jump up two levels.

“About the other two: The AI actually gave you some good role spread recommendations. The dummy is the balance between solo and group, and the clown is a good group tank.

“The Dummy is good in that it’s not limiting you any, and still allows you to fill the role you’ve taken thus far. If you’re stronger than the enemy, you can be a simple shield bearer. Stand there and tank, and while the damage reduction is penalising you’re still able to get a secondary damage build going. You can still get your combat skills past lvl10, and that’s a lot more important.

“Going Limp is similar to Rolling with the Blows, better in damage reduction but worse for anything but surviving. You go limp and the blows toss your body around like a ragdoll, while you barely take the damage that you would’ve taken when standing your ground. Someone once managed to get it up to level 18, and they survived the full wrath of a god for sixteen attacks. Even around the twelfth floor almost no one can survive even one, so that was a huge deal at the time. Sure, the god got a seventeenth attack in before their summoning time ended so the crawler died anyway, but still.

“The issue lies in that you can do nothing while using it, you literally have to go limp and that can take some getting used to. A lot of people died because they flinched or tried to block once something really deadly that was about to hit them, killing them when they would’ve lived if they stayed limp.”

“I see.” Darryl said. “But we can probably find a better race for a non-gimmick tank, right?”

“We could. And while gimmicky, the clown is actu-”

“No.” Darryl said.

“They’re actually really good.” Volos said.

“…” Darryl glared.

“I get it; I don’t like clowns either. Especially not that monstrosity.” Volos said. “But they’re a Fortunate Fool build, and those can be very potent especially if they are popular. The Slapstick Survivor is a very potent meta-skill, which allows you to reduce damage or even outright ignore it if you can play it off as a joke. Literal cartoon physics: As long as you throw a panicked look at the camera before it blows instead of running away, you can survive a bomb exploding in your face taking only a fraction of the damage. Once you manage to get it past lvl15, you’ll be almost impossible to kill for as long as you’re dedicated to the bit.

“Combine it with Lame Joke Taunt, which allows you to draw enemy aggro by being silly and annoying, and you could be the target of an entire crowd of enemies that won’t be able to actually put you down. Your DPS is severely limited, but you’ll be spoonfed thematic attacks like that cake spell, and more importantly you’ll have friends to deal the damage for you.”

Darryl sighed. “I’ll… I’ll keep it in mind. Let’s just see what my class options are, maybe I get something like Thomas that makes my choice a lot easier.”